Everything was washing over me. There were wild waves everywhere. I can't see. There is foam in my eyes. I am trying to swim. Suddenly, I am lifted. I am light as air. I am flying over the land. There is gray smoke coming towards me. My eyes widen. The smoke stops. It faces me. I see images of my mum, my brother, my brothers child, me playing guitar and there are more images. I cannot see them. Suddenly, I land…hard… on the beach.
Slowly, Charlie blinks. He coughed hard and winced. However, the pain the druggie had was not as bad. Slowly, he looked around. Shouldn't I be dead, he thought, closing his eyes. His pale face scrunched up in agony. The withdrawals he felt were horrible, besides the pain of his stomach. Sweat dripped down his face and neck and onto his chest.
Claire woke up to the sound of someone coughing. Her thoughts first went out to her son, but then she realized the voice was too deep to be her son's cough. Opening her eyes, she saw Charlie's face, scrunched up in agony. In an instant, she was up and by the young man's side, patting his face. "Charlie. Charlie! Can you hear me? Charlie!"
Charlie scrunched his eyes tightly closed for a moment as someone yelled at him as she patted his cheeks. Slowly, he nodded. "Yes," the man whispered as he licked his lips. He was quite dehydrated from his fever. Slowly, he opened his eyes. For a moment nothing was clear and then his sight gradually improved and everything came into focus. His eyes focused on Claire and his pale cheeks flush crimson. "Claire," Charlie said as his grayish blue eyes shifted so that he was not looking her in the eye.
Claire breathed a sigh of relief when Charlie opened his eyes and was even more relieved when he said her name. What worried her though was when he refused to look her in the eye. "Charlie," she asked again, but softly this time, "what happened?"
Charlie still did not look into her light blue eyes. He could not. Shame filled his heart for what he had done in the past – the drugs, the suicide attempts, the lies. "Locke didn't tell you," he whispered in confusion. He did not know what happened after he had fallen asleep, but Charlie could guess that Jack had healed him – he was their only surgeon and his wound had been bad. "I-I tried to commit suicide, Claire."
Claire felt like her stomach had vanished. Locke had told them this yesterday, but she had not wanted to believe him. Hearing it now from Charlie's mouth, made her accept the truth, whether she liked it or not. She tried to find her voice, but found out she could not. Clearing her throat, she tried it again. "Wh- wha- why?" she half sputtered and gave a nervous laugh.
His twisted face, scrunched up even further as Claire asked the one word. "Why? That's complicated," he whispered. Slowly, Charlie pushed himself into a half sitting position. Slowly, Charlie sighed. His hands shook and he clenched them into fists. "I'm a heroin addict," he whispered, "I was trying to quit. I tried once. I-I did the same thing, except I slit my wrist." Charlie nodded to his right wrist as he paused. "I left so I wouldn't hurt you or the baby. I get violent when I have withdrawals. Well, until I hurt myself. I wasn't going to come back if I couldn't get a hold of myself…" He bowed his head even further down. The man couldn't look at Claire.
Claire's stomach was back, but now it was filled with lead. Everything Locke said was true. Charlie admitted it himself. Claire did not know what to feel. Anger? Pity? Sympathy? Disappointment? She didn't know. "Charlie.. I.." she started, but found that she couldn't finish the sentence. She didn't know what to say. Suddenly, one specific emotion flared up. It was anger. Why didn't Charlie tell her before? Didn't he trust her? "Why haven't you said anything before? Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, voice laced with anger, but it also contained a bit hurt.
"Claire," Charlie began sighing, "I couldn't. You would…you wouldn't have understood. You wouldn't have trust me. No one would have." Charlie closed his eyes. His body jerked involuntarily. Slowly, he began to sing a song by Citizen Cope, "You know it ain't easy/ For these thoughts here to leave me/There's no words to describe it…" Slowly, Charlie began to cry. One tear fell down his cheek and then another. "These feelings won't go away/They've been knockin' me sideways/They've been knockin' me out lately…" The tears were pouring now and he was shaking worse, but his voice was steady as he continued to sing. "I keep thinking in a moment that/Time will take them away/But these feelings won't go away…" His voice cracked as he finished singing the song.
Charlie took his keys out of his pocket and placed the key in the lock. He glanced at his bandaged wrist and gulped. That was utterly stupid of him, but that was in the past. He turned the key and went into his apartment. There was nothing left. He gasped. Even his piano was gone. Liam was there though and shaking. He looked horrible. He looked crazed. In his hands was the biggest bag of heroin Charlie had ever seen. "I'm sorry," Liam whispered as Charlie walked slowly around the room.
"You sold everything," Charlie screamed, "For heroin. It's not worth it." Deep down, Charlie knew it was and he gulped.
"I'm sorry mate. I had to. These craving…the pain. I couldn't stand it," Liam said, "Mum came over. She knows. I told her it was yours."
Charlie's world went suddenly red. "Why didn't you tell her? Why did you lie," Charlie demanded. He could not believe it. Everything he had known and loved was gone. The carpet had been pulled out from under him. His life had turned sideways.
"I couldn't tell her. She is coming back in a few minutes. I-I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Don't feed me that crap," he whispered shaking his head and closing his eyes.
"Charlie," their mother said, coming in then, "Why did you do it?"
"Mum, it's not mine. It's Liam's," Charlie said truthfully.
"I wish I could believe you Charlie. Everything you've said and done, I can't believe any of it."
"Mum, you don't mean that…" Charlie said.
"I do, love. Let us get some help for you - OK? Let's go to Sydney," Mrs. Pace said in a gentle voice.
"I'm not going. Liam's the one who needs the help, not me," Charlie said.
"I wish I could believe that Charlie. You either get help or I will disown you," she said.
"Fine, disown me," Charlie said, leaving and never looking back.
Charlie sat there, sobbing and shaking. Everything shown was just pure and raw. There was nothing left to hide. If Claire could have seen his eyes, that would have been apparent, but they were hidden at the moment.
Claire also had tears in her eyes and her body shook with silent sobs. Hearing Charlie singing and sobbing like this was heart wrenching, but something hurt even more. "I don't understand? How dare you…How dare you presume that I wouldn't understand!" Claire wanted to yell at him, but all that came out were pained whispers. She put her hand in front of her mouth to stop herself from sobbing aloud and stared at the sand. Tears dropped out of her eyes and fell onto the dry sand. "I want to trust you, I really do. But how can I when you give me no reason? Trust is a rare commodity. Once you lose it, it'll be hard to get it back." she quoted some TV-show she'd once seen. Claire stood up and walked to the entrance of the tent. She needed some time to herself. Stopping by the entrance, she slowly turned back to Charlie. "Trust works both ways, Charlie. Think about it." And then she turned to leave.
Charlie slowly lifted his head and looked at her. He watched her go and then he stood. His legs barely held him. "Claire," he said, grabbing her and turning her around, "Have you ever had your mum disown you because she didn't believe you? Have you ever had your brother sell every bloody thing to get a bag of Junk? Everything you loved, everything you trusted, turn upside down?" There were tears rolling down his cheeks, but he ignored then. "How could I tell you?"
As the words sunk into Claire's mind, memories of her own flashed through her mind. She mentally shook them off. Looking Charlie straight in the eye, her blue eyes were ice cold. "Perhaps you should have had more faith in me." she said softly, then pulled her arm out of his grip. "And not just abandon us without a word." With those words, Claire left Charlie alone in his tent, alone with his injuries, alone with his thoughts.