At the event there were male and female Andalites alike strolling around looking their best. It was your typical upper class gathering – War – Princes and their wives, rising Princes like Hanike schmoozing with said War- Princes, and younger Warriors following those Princes around.
Hanike and I entered the gala passing by some very old Veterans who were swapping war stories. They smiled at me with their eyestalks and I smiled back, nervous.
(Don't worry my dear.) One told me. (You look lovely.)
I laughed, wishing that was really what my nervousness was about.
We entered the dome and I saw some of my old friends from back when I was still at school and a few from University.
I saw my friend Tameera from my days back in school.
(Hello L'Aini!) She looked genuinely happy to see me.
Suddenly I didn't feel so out of place after all.
(Hello Tameera! How have you been?)
(Well, very well! And you?)
(Well.)
I looked at her sideways. I had heard about her husband's death in the war. Othis had been friends with Kascherm.
(I heard of your loss?) Those eyes haunted me. They were very large and grey. Her fur was a very pale orchid, and even then, those eyes stood out.
(Yes.) She forced a smile. (It's hard isn't it?)
I found myself apologizing. (I'm sorry, I should have…I would have been there, at the funeral, only I was…)
(Yes, you were distraught. Don't worry dear, I know. I was the same way.) She chuckled sadly. (I was so out of it as well, I don't think I even noticed who was there at all, so don't feel bad, dear.)She looked distracted. I smiled and placed my hand on her shoulder. (Well, if you ever need me.)
She smiled. (Yes. I will remember you.) Her hand touched my shoulder as well and I wanted to cry. She was so thin and delicate.
She noticed Hanike then. (Oh my. Isn't he handsome?) She smiled at me. (That's him, right?)
(Yes.) I felt a bit proud.
(Well, you must be thrilled! When is the wedding?)
(Ooh, very soon!) I smiled. (He needs to get back on duty soon, so…) I smiled at her. (I'll invite you!)
(Oh!) She laughed. (I'd like that very much!) She looked at him again, curiously.
(Strange, I feel I've known him before. Hanike is his name isn't it?)
(Yes.)
(Oh. Yes.) She smiled, recognizing him now. (I remember! He and I were children in school together! He was behind me in class! He used to pull on my eyestalks to get my attention. He was so mean!) She chuckled. (But I think he was a bit soft on me.)
I laughed. (Isn't that adorable?) She cried, (That I remember that? Oh it's sad, so much has changed since then, so many people have died and…) She smiled, abashed suddenly.
(Oh, but I don't know why I'm telling you this. You don't want to know about all the lucky little females your husband flirted with in school.)
I laughed. (No, it's alright. I love it.)
I smiled. (Maybe you should come over before the wedding and we could swap old stories. My fernla plant is blooming – we could have some of that.)
She blushed. (Oh no! You're busy!)
(No, really, please.) I smiled. (Oh, please?)
She laughed and gave in. (Yes. I would love to. If it's that important to you that I bother you before your wedding, then yes, I will.)
(Thank you.) I smiled. (I'll be expecting you sometime then!) I called out to her, heading towards Hanike.
(Oh I can't just drop in!)
(Yes you can!) I called. (And you will!) I added on, firmly.
(Alright!) She laughed.
Everyone was pregnant and married it seemed except for my friend Druella who had persistently stayed single.
(I hate marriage.) She told me. (I tried being engaged once and that ended…well…He was such a dramatist!) She waved the imaginary he away with a hand. (Such a big baby! And so…pushy!) She stuck her nose in the air. (No. I'm better off alone.) She peered over at Hanike. (Are you sure you're not making the mistake of your life, my dear? Being a widow, I'm told, is actually quite nice. You may not have properly mourned. And he looks a bit unstable to me, you know I can sense that in males and…) She rambled on.
(Thanks.) I said wryly and walked back to Hanike taking my very bored place at his side. He wrapped his arm around me.
(What's wrong?) He asked softly.
I smiled. (Nothing, nothing at all.)
He could tell otherwise. (Please?)
I stumbled verbally. (I…I just…I don't know about…this.) I waved my arm around.
The males he had been conversing with went off, distracted, still talking amongst themselves.
(This?) He looked around, confused. (Then he laughed.)
(Oh, well, yes. I mean, it is terrible how fake they can be isn't it? But don't worry, love. We won't have to stay here much longer if you don't want to. I just need to speak with Captain Enilon and I'll walk you home if you like.)
He looked so sweet and pleading, so kind and earnest that I wanted to throw up – I felt so sickened by myself.
(He loves you.) I thought. (He really does love you.)
Then I heard a thoughtspeak voice whispering. (Hey! L'Aini! HEY!) My eyes snapped around looking.
There, by a potted plant – no behind the potted plant, hiding! Tobias! In Andalite form!
He would be noticed soon! I looked over to see some security warriors looking suspiciously at him already. Oh no!
(Will you STOP BEING SO SUSPICIOUS ALREADY?) Ah the wonder of thoughtspeak – I could privately scream at him. Perfect for couples.
Couples? Is that how I was thinking already?
Maybe –
(Darling, what is it? What's wrong?) Hanike fussed over me.
(N-nothing!) I said, far too loud.
(What should I do?) Tobias said.
(Get up you idiot!) I hissed. (Just walk normally!)
(But they'll see me!)
(EXACTLY! They aren't taking roll of who's here but you look like some kind of psychotic hiding behind a furgla plant!)
(Oh! Is that was this is?) He sniffed at it.
I tried not to laugh with incredulity.
(Get up, Tobias, please.)
He smiled. (I'm just kidding, babe.) He was getting up just as the warriors strolled over to him!
They said something to him. He smiled and nodded –an obvious human trait! – saying something back to them and rose slowly. They all seemed to laugh and they, oh thank the STARS, waved him off and he trotted, smiling over to me.
(Darling, there's Captain Enilon now! I have to go for a minute! Will you please excuse me?)
(Huh? Oh poor thing. I was completely ignoring him again… I was getting good at this… I'm sorry! Oh, yes sure!)
He smiled and touched my cheek. (You are so patient, darling.)He hurried off then.
Tobias came up to me.
(What did I tell you?) I hissed.
(Please, just listen.) He pleaded. I sighed.
(Alright.)
(I know you've probably made your choice by now, but I just wanted to know if I could try anyway.)
(Try what?)
(To change your mind.)
I looked at Hanike with an eyestalk. (Keep talking.) I said, giving in.
(The truth is, I love you. I know you think we could never work, that I could never provide for you and I guess maybe you're right – I'm not practical, I've always been a dreamer and I can't guarantee that you'll be well of with me, that you'll have a dream home waiting for you somewhere, that you'll still fit in with your people when you're with me. Or even that you will always be at peace. But I can guarantee two things.)
(What?) I said, curious to hear what he could give me.
(I will always love you and respect you. And you will never be bored with me.)
Is that all?
He looked sad. (Yes. His answer was firm.)
I thought about it.
(Please?) He said. (I know, I know I'm not a great Warrior -)
(You are.)
(But I'm not an Andalite.)
(You can be.) I motioned to his body.
(But I don't know if I'll be willing to stay one. That's another thing you'd have to understand if we were to be together.)
I could tell the conversation Hanike was having with Captain Enilon was nearing its end.
I didn't want him to find me here with Tobias; I'd have no alibi and no defense.
(I don't think I could ever stay as an Andalite.) Tobias's words forced me to decide.
(Okay.)
He looked stunned, his eyes wide open – a funny thing to see in an Andalite. I tried not to smile.
(What! Really? Are you…are you serious?)
(No.) I said, practicing human sarcasm. I was going to need it.
(Really?) He slumped.
(I'm kidding, stupid.) I smiled at him.
He grinned and threw his arms up in the air. (Hurray!)
I laughed.
(But first, )I said, breaking through his happiness.
(What?) He looked worried now – like a warrior unsure of his victory.
(I need to ask my mother first.) I smiled. Kascherm's mother. It was only right.
He nodded. (Okay.)
Hanike was saying goodbye to Captain Enilon. Poor Hanike. Soon I would have to be saying goodbye to him. For regardless of whether or not my mother gave me permission to marry Tobias, I would not marry Hanike – I didn't love him. And it would hurt him too much somewhere along the line when he realized that. That I could only ever love him as a friend. It would destroy him.
And I'm through with destruction. I thought, letting go of Kascherm.
(I love you.) Tobias said, as he trotted, no, more like leapt from joy away into the starry night.
(I know.) I replied. Oh that sounded stupid. (I mean, I love you too.)
He laughed. (It's okay. You don't even have to say it!) He called back and ran away.
That was true. Kascherm used to say something like that; actions speak louder than words, I guess.
Hanike returned to my side.
(Umm…can we leave?) I asked.
(What? Oh yes, of course!) He smiled and placed his arm around me. I reached and took his hand instead. He looked surprised, but merely smiled.
(What is it my love?)
(Come on…. )I said, preparing myself. (Walk with me.)
We left, passing by the same old group of warriors.
(See darling?) The same old veteran said to me. (That went fine, didn't it?)
I smiled at him. (Yes, I suppose it did.)
Hanike smiled at the warrior, then turned to me, curious.
(What was that about?)
(Oh…he was just saying hello.)
(Do you know him?)
I smiled. (No. He was just an old veteran talking to a young lady. You know, they love to talk to you.)
(Yes, they do don't they. I suppose they are lonely.)
(Yes, they must be.)
We walked. He turned and smiled, and broke my heart. (I'm glad I will never have to be lonely, for I'll have you always.)
This wasn't going to be easy at all was it? I wanted to scream and run away. But I couldn't. I had to go through with this.
Besides, he would thank me for this some day. I hoped. He deserved someone who would truly love him back with all of her body, heart, and soul.
I pondered for a moment about Tameera.
Maybe…
You've got to get him off of you first. My mind said.
Yes, that's true. I replied.
We arrived at my scoop.
(Darling,) I began. No. That's not right. (Hanike.) I started.
He laughed. (Oh no, here we come!)
(What?) I said, defensively. (I was trying to be serious and here he was joking!)
(Whenever you hear your name, you know you're in trouble.)
(Another one of Kascherm's sayings.) I mused.
(Yes.) Hanike sighed. (I miss him sometimes, my friend.)
(Yes.) I said softly. (You must.)
(But you must miss him more surely.)
(Honestly? Not really.)
(Really?) He looked stunned.
(I found it to be true. Oh I still love him if that's what you mean, but miss him? No. I miss Anukili far more.) And the pain of my child's death hit me again full force. I rocked on my feet.
He gently placed his arms around me again. (L'Aini… He seemed speechless. Good. Once I recovered, it might be easier. I'm sorry.)
(You see, Hanike -) I managed finally, looking up at him. I guess I didn't need to say anything more. My eyes said it all.
(You don't love me, do you L'Aini?) He asked, looking down.
(N-no.) I forced. (At least, not the way you want me to.)
He blinked, understanding. He sighed and slumped.
(Well. )He looked up at me, his eyes full of pain. (I suppose there is nothing left to say, is there?)
(No.) I said, looking down.
(I only regret that you felt pressured to…to play this charade so long.) He sounded angry, and I could tell he was holding it in.
(I'm so sorry Hanike -)
(No. )He said firmly. He looked at me, turned to me and took my hands. (Do not be ashamed. You always have every right to change your mind, to say no. If you do not love me, then I suppose it is better. Just please know, darling, that I am always here if ever you need me.)
I sighed. Oh thank goodness he saw things my way. I felt horrible. What had I thought he would do? I guess I'd had visions of him beating me and going crazy filling my head, or maybe even killing poor Tobias. What was wrong with me? I was so silly!
I found myself laughing, probably from relief.
Hanike grew angry.
(Well! I'm glad you find this so funny!) He huffed and began to stomp away.
(Oh Hanike -)
(If ever you feel repentant, and decide to change your mind, I'll be here!) He said, walking away, his nose in the air.
Feel repentant? How dare he! Well, now I didn't feel any remorse at all! Thank you Hanike!
And perhaps Tameera would be better alone! Maybe Druella was right! Maybe being a widow was better! After all he and Tobias had put me through! Feel repentant!
But I couldn't just let him walk away like that. And help me, I'd have felt so awful if I didn't!
(So I did.) I cried out. (Hanike, wait!) He turned around, looking hopeful. Poor fellow.
(Yes.) He said.
(At the gala tonight…there was a Miss Tameera…)
(Tameera, wife, no sorry, widow of Othis- Ferrennial – Tehrath?)
(Yes.)
(What about her?) He seemed very confused.
(She…she seemed…) I blushed, I felt so silly for doing this but maybe…maybe… (She seemed very, very interested in you.) I finally blurted out.
His eyes widened in a look of oh, alright. I had to force myself not to laugh. He probably thought I was out of my mind!
(Well, very well then.) He smiled a little at me. (Thank you, L'Aini. However, I think, that maybe, for a while…)
I felt horrible, his eyes showed so much pain and yearning.
And then his eyes were hard and cold again. (Well, you know. My offer still stands.)
Ugh! The arrogance in his voice! Why he…
And yet, I knew I had hurt him. Perhaps the arrogance was merely covering up pain? And I knew I should be ashamed.
But I watched him leave. And I felt no shame, only sorrow and pity for him.