To the reader who have supported me thus far:
Thank you all so very much for your kind replies and encouragement. You guys have kept me going. Well, we only have chapter 15 and the epilogue to go.
By the way -- chapter 14: Torn in two is extremely long. Longer than the other chapters have been. So I hope you guys can handle it. Take your time and read it.
Chapter 14 - Torn in two
Anakin's starfighter tore through space as he attempted to close the gap between his ship and the Nubian cruiser. He has vanquished the Sith and fulfilled the prophesy that constantly hung around his neck as a great weight. Anakin so loathed being called the chosen one because he was reminded of his inability to save his loved ones. And here he was being faced with the same dilemma. Padme's salvation died with Patruus on Mustafar. Anakin bit his lower lip and prayed desperately that Obi wan use of the force would be enough to keep the poison from being triggered. As anxious as he was to know Padme's condition, he was just as hesitant to speak with Obi wan for fear of hearing that she had taken a turn for the worse. Anakin quickly stifled the anxiety rising within him as he pushed the buttons to open a channel to the Nubian cruiser.
"Anakin," Obi wan felt a swell of relief that his former padawan had finally contacted him. "I take it that the Sith have been destroyed."
"We won't be hearing from them ever again." Anakin said realizing that Patruus final vicious stroke of evil may yet come into fruition. "Patruus is dead."
Anakin blinked and swallowed as he asked, "How's Padme?" He held his breath anticipating Obi wan's answer.
"She seems alright. It seems that she is further along in her labor that expected. " Obi wan reported warily. "I just hope we will make it to the medical facility before she's ready to deliver."
"How far along is she?"
"Her contractions are ten minutes apart. She'll be delivering very soon. We are less than 2 parsecs away from Polis Massa, and we just cleared the asteroid field. I contacted the medical team. They are ready and prepared to receive her. Don't worry Anakin."
Anakin smiled slightly to himself, appreciative of Obi wan's comfort.
"There is one more thing." Obi wan said slowly.
Anakin braced himself.
"Padme's carrying twins."
"Twins?" Anakin's blinked several times trying to register the information. The force blessed him twice and here he was standing on the edge of ruin. The good news just added to his torture.
"Yes."
There was a moment of silence. In it Obi wan sensed that there was more than just happiness but also an increased sense of dread flowing around his friend and brother.
"What's wrong Anakin?"
"Patruus poisoned her --- with Hothian Drax." Anakin spoke with deep resentment and a thought that was most troubling to him and most painful to speak to another.
"Oh force." Obi wan said in horror under his breath. Taking a second fully understand the severity of her labor, he spoke again. "Anakin, Hothian Drax is practically untraceable. The antidote and the poison are both hard to come by."
Anakin exhaled a shaky breath as his fears seemed to increase to an unbelievable measure.
"I'll inform the medical team of what's happened to her. There were sedatives aboard the ship, so I induced her slumber. She has been asleep ever since. When we arrive I am certain they will sedate her and remove the children. Hurry Anakin.
"Master take care of her, please." Anakin neglected the desperation in his voice.
"Don't worry Anakin. I will look after her." Obi wan assured him.
His clammy hand gripped the helm of the ship as he pushed it to incredible speeds. He knew better than to allow the negative thoughts of what could be assail him. He realized he needed to calm down and push all thoughts from his mind. He decided now would be perfect time to practice several calming exercises.
The remote planetoid on the Outer Rim was surrounded by a treacherous asteroid field. Polis Massa was the last known outpost other than Tandoria loyal to the old republic and the Jedi Order. On the rocky and barren surface were several circle-shaped metallic flat coverings that opened and revealed subterranean docking bays. Obi wan quickly landed the cruiser in one designated for his arrival. When the landing ramp was released, he descended carrying a rousing Padme in his arms whispering words of comfort and encouragement in her ear. The medical teams was composed of droids and one human, and were at the base of the ramp waiting and prepared as Obi wan quickly and carefully placed her on the medical capsule.
He looked nervously at the black haired man already concerning himself with his new patient, "She has been poisoned with Hothian Drax. You must sedate her. Her contractions are already ten minutes apart."
The doctor leaned over Padme and placed a hand on her belly. He held her wrist and placed a thumb over her neck. He furled his brow and waited for something Obi wan couldn't decipher. The doctor removed his hand from her neck and turned her head and saw the entry wound from the dart. His mouth gaped. "Oh Gods!" He looked at Obi wan.
"Who would do this to a pregnant woman?"
"The Sith! Can you sedate her?" Obi wan was almost shouting.
The doctor raised his hands in protest and shook his head, "Her condition is extremely delicate. It is not possible to prevent one process without preventing the other. If delivery is prevented, she and the children could die. At this point Master Jedi, medication of any kind mild or moderate, would be out of the question."
"But she'll die!"
"And if we provide any medication at this point, the children will be affected and perhaps die."
Obi wan sighed in his frustration. He ran a hand through his red hair and said, "What do you suggest should be done?"
"We sedate her until we can locate the antidote after the children are delivered."
"Perhaps the use of anesthesia?"
"I am afraid. It's too late for that. She already has one toxin in her blood. Too many chemicals can put strain on her heart and also in danger the children."
"Obi wan", Padme said looking up at him. She wearily shook her head and spoke between breaths, "No – sed—ation. Please."
Obi wan rubbed his beard and said a quick prayer for his friends. He couldn't imagine Anakin's reaction if something should happen to either Padme or the babies. He held Padme's hand and walked beside the capsule as it carried her toward the delivery room.
With Obi wan at her side, Padme moaned and groaned as the pain gradually increased to an unbearable level. The medial droids circled around the room, making preparations for the new arrivals. Obi wan held her hand and attempted to send her soothing waves through the force to ease her pain. She quieted down some but was still growing weaker and weaker with every contraction she felt.
Obi wan turned to Padme and said softly, "All right Padme. You must relax. Breathe slowly and save your energy."
"Where's Anakin?" Padme said as she moaned.
"He's coming. He wouldn't want to miss this." Obi wan passed a hand over her head smoothing her wet hair back. "Don't worry Padme."
"I -- can't --- do this --- with -- out -- him." Padme said as tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Breathe Padme. Just breathe. It'll be alright."
The contractions were coming faster and with a greater intensity. Padme's moans became yelps and cries of anguish. Obi wan doubled his efforts as he again tried hard to relieve her of the pain. But nothing he did worked. Padme felt fear nestled in the pit of her stomach. She remembered the poison and realized nothing could be done to stop the inevitable. She was doomed.
"Obi wan---something-- is ----is w-wrong." Padme spoke between contractions, heavily panting. "Patruus poisoned --- me. You can't do--- any more to help me." The tears continued to flow down her cheeks. "I ----- I am ------ dying." The thoughts of never being able to rock her children to sleep or sing them a lullaby assaulted her. Padme shut her eyes as another powerful contraction shook through her. She cried out in agony for what she would lose and she cried out as well for her pain.
Anakin traversed through the asteroid field with tremendous speed and skill. His ship screamed through space toward his beloved wife. In his calm, he heard the cries of his wife echo through the force. His lips parted and let her name sailed out. "Padme." Anakin activated the autopilot and put himself in a meditative state. He closed his eyes and took several calming deep breaths to make contact with her. The connection they created through their endless love for each other proved useful for them both as it afforded Anakin with the chance to assist his wife.
Padme cried out again in terror. "Help me Anakin! Please!"
I am here, Angel. Everything will be alright. I am on my way to you now. I'll be there in a few minutes.
She opened her eyes in surprise and sobbing happily. "Ani!" Anakin's presence with her was like having a strong arm to help bare the burden. She discovered a new found strength now that she could feel him. Anakin tried to ease her pain through the force as each contraction occurred.
The medical droid positioned itself just behind Padme's legs and spoke with a pleasant and soothing tone, "On the next contraction, you may push."
I am with you. You can do it, Padme. Take deep breaths. Go slow. Do not exert too much energy.
Obi wan held on to her hand as she braced her chin into her chest. Anakin concentrate with all his might as Padme prepared to bring their baby into the world. He lent her his strength and together they pushed out their first child. She grunted and moaned, as the baby emerged. Padme exhaled heavily and a strange peace seemed to cover her as the baby's cries were first heard.
"Obi wan," Padme closed her eyes and spoke between breaths, "Anakin-- is with me."
Obi wan smiled slightly and nodded. "I know. I told you he wouldn't miss this." His smile quickly faded as he noticed a change in her demeanor. He couldn't decipher whether or not this change was from the poison or the fatigue of giving birth. The medical droid handed Obi wan the infant swaddled in a blanket. He leaned over and showed it to Padme. "It's a boy."
"Oh, Luke. You are so precious to me." She said smiling through her sweat and tears. The baby looked at his mother, revealing a familiar set of blue eyes. "I have seen those eyes before." Padme looked at her newborn son. Feelings of awe, joy, relief and immense love suddenly took over her. She was a mother now and she'd love her children forever. She leaned over and kissed his forehead.
Back on his ship, Anakin felt the first tendrils of life in the force and smiled to himself, realizing his first-born had arrived. His anxiety was overshadowed by the sudden joy and terror of becoming a father. His excitement to see his wife and child was spurred on even more. The thought of her poison still coursing threw her veins was not far from his mind. So far so good, he thought to himself. He prayed that the poison had not been triggered by the labor and delivery. He felt no change in Padme or the baby's life signatures in the force. His scanners beeped signaling his proximity to Polis Massa. Anakin disengaged the autopilot and quickly broke through the planet's atmosphere. He took a deep breath, its not over yet.
An unexpected contraction slammed into her, ripping her out of her moment of peace. She yelled out. Obi wan cradled Luke in his arms and held Padme's hand. "One more to go, Padme. Just one more time."
"No!" She shook her head vehemently. "I - I can't do -- this." She sobbed. "I --- I ---- am --- not sssstroooonngg enou--" She wailed as another contraction hit her. Her voice was growing hoarse. "I --- am too --- tired." Her hair was disheveled and wet. Her face glistened with proof of her hard work.
Obi wan was visibly worried. Not just for Padme but for the children and especially for Anakin. He prayed to the force that the poison would not be triggered or that they could sedate her as soon as the last child was delivered. He looked around the room nervously.
His face relaxed slightly as he sensed someone approaching in the force.
"Just breathe Padme. It's going to be alright. Anakin will be here shortly." Obi wan encouraged her.
Padme wearily nodded her head with her eyes were closed. She felt herself being drained as each minute passed. She felt herself weakening and suddenly feeling dizzy as the room started the spin. Delivering the second child would prove to be hardest. She could not think about the poison nor could she dwell on anything outside of giving birth to her child; except for Anakin, of course. Her thoughts remained on Anakin. She desperately needed him. She needed his strength to help her with this one as well. Despite the vertigo, Padme's eyes were fixated on the delivery room windows, wishing his shadow to pass by. She willed him to enter the room.
She called out for him in her mind, hoping that he would pick it up. And he did.
Hold on, Angel. I'm coming.
Anakin came running along the hallway, passed the windows and entered the room. Her eyes widened in disbelief. She cried out, "Ani!" She extended her hand to reach out to him.
Anakin hurried to her side and held her hand. He kissed her on the forehead and said, "I am here at last, my love."
Anakin glanced up at Obi wan, "How is she?"
"She is growing weaker. They cannot sedate her until after delivery."
Anakin looked back at Obi wan, "What!" He turned his ice blue eyes toward the physician. "Sedate her now!" He commanded.
The physician shuddered and said almost pleadingly, "It would endanger the babies. We must wait until she's delivered!"
"By then it won't matter!"
"It will if she is still in any pain!"
"If something happens to my wife, you will answer to me!"
Obi wan raised his eyebrows sympathetically and said, "Please Anakin. Remain calm." He glanced, at Padme, "For them."
Anakin simmered and turned back to his wife. "It will be alright my love. We can do this together." He ran a hand through her hair and kissed her cheek.
Padme wailed as an intense contraction summoned more tears from her brown eyes. Her shallow breaths made it even harder for her to speak. "Ani----I --- have ---no-nothing --- l-left. I --" She stopped as she gasped for breath. "I ---- can't- -- d-do --- this ---any - any more." She cried and shut her eyes against the intermittent vertigo and the painful pounding of her heart in her chest.
"Yes, you can Angel. You are stronger than you realize. Please try for me." Anakin felt his heart sink. He could sense that something was really wrong with her. He was on pins and needles. He turned to the nearest medical droid, "Is there nothing that can be done to help her?" He felt his fears beginning to get the best of him.
Anakin bit his lip and his mind raced in all directions to find a way to help her. He kissed her hand and looked at her. He discovered he would have to choose between his unborn child and his wife. Anger quickly rose in him but he had to use all his strength to stamp it out. Deciding that Anakin could take it from there, Obi wan turned to take Luke into the nursery next door. "If you need me, let me know."
"You know I will."
The medical droid once again position itself behind Padme's legs and said, "On the next contraction you may begin to push."
Anakin spoke desperately trying to restrain his panic, "You'll be alright. I'm with you. Take deep breaths." He closed his eyes and concentrated as much as he could to ease her pain and help her push out the baby.
Padme bore down once again and pushed out her last bundle of joy. She squeezed Anakin's hand as she pushed, combining his strength with her own to deliver their baby. Together they pushed and breathed and push until finally, angry, angry infant cries filled the air as the baby emerged from Padme. The medical droid cleaned the baby and placed her in Anakin's arms.
Anakin raised his eyebrows as terror and happiness washed over him. He cradled his baby girl in his arms and placed a delicate kiss on her cheek. He leaned over for Padme to see her. The little girl opened her eyes and rested them on her father as if she was speaking unspoken words.
"She's beautiful." Padme said softly as she smiled.
"She is." Anakin said mesmerized by his baby girl's brown eyes. "What should we call her?"
Padme smiled sadly and exhaled, "Leia." She weakly reached up and touched the baby's tender hand, allowing her to wrap her tiny fingers around her finger.
"She is strong."
"Of course she is. She got it from her mother as well as her beauty." Anakin said as he kissed Padme on the lips. "Good work, Angel."
Anakin stroked his daughter's cheek with his finger, unable to take his eyes off of her. Little Leia naturally turned her mouth towards his finger and began sucking on it. Anakin couldn't keep his heart from turning to butter.
"I can see she has an appetite like her father." Padme chuckled weakly. "Take her into the nursery and feed her. While you are there, you can meet your son." Padme's voice was filled with melancholy and fatigue. She was slowly slipping into oblivion.
"I can just have the droid feed her. I don't want to leave you."
"No Anakin. I am fine, really. Go see your son." Padme put on her best face to convince him. Anakin looked at her warily. He saw through her attempt. He could sense her weakness and her fatigue. He cocked an eyebrow at her and nodded. "I won't be long."
Padme gave another weak smile.
He walked toward the droid stationed near the door. "Monitor her closely. Check to see if the poison has been triggered."
Anakin carried his infant daughter into the nursery and saw Obi wan stood over Luke's crib like a doting uncle.
"What a sight." Anakin said with smile spread half way across his face.
Obi wan straightened and walked around the crib toward him, "How is Padme?"
"I sensed that she's more tired than weak. She's fine, I think. She just has to remain calm."
Obi wan locked eyes with the brown eyed beauty in Anakin's arms. "And who is this precious little one?"
"Leia."
"She looks like her mother." Obi wan said observantly. His voice sudden shifted a couple octaves higher than normal, "Hello Leia." Obi wan's knees almost turned to jelly when he realized she was sucking on Anakin's finger. "She must be hungry."
"Good you can feed her while I take a good look at Luke." He carefully handed Leia over to Obi wan and moved closer to Luke's crib. Obi wan reached out for a bottle and began feeding her.
Anakin looked on his sleeping son and felt the overwhelming sense of awe, love and unparalleled joy at the though of being a father to these two children that he already adored so much. He was now responsible for these two precious lives. He was both frightened and proud. He smiled to himself. Their force signatures were strong for such young children. Obi wan looked at his padawan, "So much like their parents."
Anakin grinned as he glanced quickly at Obi wan. "They are both so ---" Anakin's smile quickly faded into a frown. He looked up suddenly with panic and fear etched throughout his face. He turned to look over his shoulder at Padme.
Her still form lay on the bed in the delivery room. Her breaths were growing deeper and deeper with each passing moment. She couldn't fight the images entering her mind that stirred up her sorrow. She'd never see her children grow up. She would never hold them or laugh with them. She would never find security in Anakin's arms or feel his kiss ever again. All these things brought fresh and raw pain to her heart. Her time had come. The monitors around the room began to beep rapidly.
Anakin rushed to her side and held her petite hands in his large ones. "Padme?" He sat beside her on the bed,
"Anakin, I'm so --- sorry." Padme slowly shook her head with tears streaming down her cheeks.
The medical droids worked feverishly around room operating and communicating with the controls for her care.
"Don't apologize. Just stay calm. Try to relax please." Anakin felt himself quiver with fear.
"I have nothing left." She said softly as she grew pale.
"Don't say that." In his denial Anakin stroked her cheek with is thumb. He looked away at physician fumbling with blood pressure controls. "Sedate her now!"
"Knight Skywalker." He turned around appearing jittery and nervous. "I am truly sorry but it seems the poison has been triggered."
"What!" Anakin glared at the doctor, "She was fine a minute ago." Anakin turned back to his ailing wife.
"It appears to have been triggered during the labor." The doctor wrung his hands and blinked rapidly. " I am sorry sir. There is nothing more I can do."
Padme grimaced and moaned. Anakin's breath quickened as he panicked. He sensed her force signature was fading quickly. He was powerless to help her.
Anakin's face was stern and he commanded in a firm voice, "Don't you leave me."
Anakin leaned over her cradling her face in his hands. "Just breathe slowly and clear your mind of all thoughts."
"I – I can't." Padme shook her head slowly. "Anakin please----listen to me."
He spoke softly voice, "Don't do this Padme." He paused feeling the fresh warm tears well up in his eyes, "I-I need you." An attempt at a smile was short lived when his fears got the better of him. "Everything's gonna–" Anakin stopped himself as he pushed a lock her hair away from her face, as he blinked to stop the oncoming tears. He knew nothing would be alright ever again.
Padme looked toward the nursery where her babies were still sleeping, and with tears in her eyes she said, "Take care of them, Ani. You – you will be a wonderful father. Tell them how much I love them. I wish --- I could hold them."
He lifted her back off the bed and held her in his arms. "No. Padme, stay with me. Please!" Anakin's voice shook as he finally lost the fight with his tears. "I can't" he paused, "do this without you. I won't survive." His voice cracked.
"Oh Anakin." She said barely above a whisper. "Anakin." She slowly blinked and softly stroked his cheek. "Can't imagine – a b-better place --- to die – than in --- your arms.
"I love you Padme. Don't –don't leave me." He recalled their last moments together on Coruscant before the Jedi purge, "We can never be parted, remember?"
Padme nodded slowly and said despondently, "Our love is too powerful to be checked by life or death."
"No. Please don't do this. I won't make it. Stay with me."
She smiled sadly and said, "I…l-love…you…Anakin------always." She tensed momentarily, closed her eyes and exhaled.
The heart monitor sounded off, emitting a high pitch beep, heralding her death, while Anakin's heart skipped a beat as she lay limp in his arms. He remained frozen in his shock with widened eyes. A long moment of silence passed until finally… Anakin reacted.
"No Padme! No! Stay with me!" Rivers of sorrow and agony flowed freely from his eyes. He shook her as if trying to wake her from slumber. He wailed, and sobbed as he held her close and buried his face in her shoulder. "Please come back me! I'll do anything. Please! …Come back, my love…….I –I need you!" Anakin cried slowly rocking back and forth in agonizing sobs ripped from his throat.
He was being ripped apart. Obi wan watched the scene from the nursery window. Seeing Padme die and Anakin plummet into his sorrow was torture for him. He rubbed his beard and turned his gaze toward the children still sleeping soundly in their cribs. Obi wan understood the depths of Anakin's love for Padme. He sensed through the force the magnitude of raw pain Anakin was suffering under. He couldn't go into the delivery room. He struggled against his own emotions in order to keep them in check. It was not appropriate for a Jedi to show such emotion, at least not for Obi wan. He remained in the room for as long as he could as he watched Anakin cradle his dead wife in his arms.
For what seemed like hours Anakin was motionless. He stroked her cheek and lightly kissed her lips. He carefully watched her face, willing her to open her eyes, willing her to call out his name just one more time. Thoughts of all he had gone through, everything he had done to prevent this. He would never again hear her sweet voice or feel her loving touch again. The thoughts were sobering as he allowed rage to well up inside him. He felt a disturbance deep within his soul ripping its way out. For the first time he did not fight his instinctual feelings. He smelled her hair one last time and closed his eyes in an attempt to burn it in his memory. He carefully laid Padme back down on the bed, and slowly stood up. Anakin gazed down upon her still form. He wanted so much to believe that she was just asleep.
Obi wan slowly approached Anakin from behind and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I am truly sorry Anakin. I wish there was something more we have done to save her."
When there was no response from Anakin, Obi wan nodded his head slowly understanding his former padawan was no position to consider anything that was said to him. He turned slightly toward the nursery and said, "If there is anything you need, let me know. I'll remain with the children until…" Obi wan drifted off unable to finish his sentence and left the room He understood Anakin would want to be alone.
Something Obi wan said triggered a thought. A flashback to Patruus removing the flask of antidote from this belt and tossing it into the river of lava replayed in his mind. He was reminded of his failure to save his mother and his failure now to save Padme. He realized all of these things were his fault. He blamed himself for her death. He blamed himself for failing to kill in the emperor that night in his office before all these events. He blamed himself for the deception that caused Padme to leave the farm. He felt a hot venom rise from deep within his belly. A fierce rage boiling inside him like his has never felt before. A fresh self disgust and self loathing swam though his mind. He stepped back from Padme's bedside and looked at his hands as his chin trembled ushering in fresh tears. It was culmination of Anakin Skywalker, as he knew it.
He fell to his knees and let out a deep guttural cry as all agony, pain, fear, anger, and hatred washed over him in a concentrated down pour. A strange heat seemed to emanate from him; a heat more intense than the suns of Tattooine and the fire of Mustafar combined. The loss of his wife was tearing him in two. He could not see anything else but Padme's death, another reminder that he failed yet again. His hands shook. .
Just then the entire facility shook. Like the ripples in a pool of water, tremors of dark energy radiated from Anakin composed of all the negative elements used in the darkside of the force. It came unseen and nothing could withstand it. The droids in the room were crushed and completely flattened. The windows shattered. The machines were destroyed. Anakin left the room and walked down the halls of the facility, destroying every droid that crossed his path. All the machines he encountered were flattened with just a blast of his nostrils. Anakin's anger and grief were unforgivable.
Anakin could no longer stay on this accursed planet. He wanted to get as far away as possible. He needed to run from his pain and seek out a new way to deal with this. He found himself standing on the edge of insanity. He could not stay here. Not with her gone. Anakin quickly left the room, and heading straight for the docking bay door.
Just before he got there, Obi wan appeared from a nearby door and stood in his path.
Obi wan hoped that he could find some words to calm his friend, but it would be too late; for Anakin was too far gone for a mere Jedi's words.
"Get out of my way, Obi wan." Anakin's voice was eerily calm. His warm blue eyes became wells of ice.
"Anakin, wait. I know your grief is unbearable." Obi wan tried to make Anakin see beyond his sorrow, "Please do not give in to your hate and your anger. Padme's death was great and terrible, of course but you must understand that this is the will of the ---"
"Don't you dare say that to me!" Anakin pointed a gloved finger, "My wife is dead! My children have no mother! I have fulfilled this stupid prophesy and sealed her fate. I've kept my promise to her and now she is gone! Her fate walked hand in hand with the prophesy. My life, my sanity walks hand in hand with her fate." Sudden his voice changed. It was sorrowful, vulnerable and full of despair. He looked away from Obi wan placed his gaze upon the delivery room doors, "I-I could have saved her. I failed." He looked away in disgust, "How can I go on without her?" He spoke just above a whisper.
"But your children, Anakin!" Obi wan pleaded.
"How can I imagine a life without her!" Anakin's grief ran with his fury. To Obi wan Anakin appeared to not be making any sense. His words were tainted with unbridled agony. "No, Obi wan. I can't do it." Anakin spoke with finality. "Go to Naboo and let Padme's family know what happened ----t-is to her." Anakin couldn't bring himself to use her name anymore, which deeply disturbed him. "The children will stay with them.They will be better off without me."
"Anakin please!"
"Get out of my way!"
"No Anakin!"
Anakin's eyes flashed yellow and he force pushed the Jedi Master through a wall. Obi wan was so taken by surprised by this assault that he was knocked unconscious. Anakin continued on toward his ship.
With his brows furled and his breath shallow, Anakin stood motionless in the docking bay clenching and unclenching his fists. No longer were his eyes deep pools of blue but smoldering red-rimmed yellow eyes searching wildly for a way to process what had just transpired. He stretched out his feelings once more in hopes to find at least a single strand of her living identity in the force, but she was just beyond his reach. He felt himself slowly losing his grip on his own identity. The impact of Padme's death was like a tidal of wave of anguish blinding him to almost all that occurred in his life before this moment. His heart was heavy with insufferable grief and sorrow. He stared at the floor as if searching for answers. What went wrong? How could this be? Why couldn't I see this coming? Unable to wrap his mind around the tragedy, he incredulously looked over his shoulder at the doors leading back to the medical facility. He could not process any thought beyond his pain, beyond his grief, beyond his wife. Not even the precious lives of his newly born children were able to shed light on his darkened and seemingly forsaken heart. Fresh tears stood in his eyes, blurring his vision when he noticed the pounding in his ears growing ever louder. He turned toward his left and saw the Nubian cruiser, perched like a bird obediently waiting for her mistress to return. Her sleek silver body still and ever ready for any journey. The sight was a reminder of the times when he and his wife used to steal days together to go to their favorite places. There were many times during the war when he'd go away on a mission and she'd be home anxiously waiting for his return. Now the roles were bitterly reversed. Death always seemed to snatch away the ones he so loved. Anakin realized then the pounding in his ears was his heart and it wrought more pain with each palpitation. As he stood before Padme's ship staring at it in vain, he couldn't understand how could his heart continue to beat with her gone. His sorrow increased exponentially as he'd come to accept that he was truly alone in the universe. He shut his eyes against the involuntary onset of his tears, wishing so much to be rid of the pain her death has caused. His grief was swallowing him up, severing him from those cared for him, and severing him from reality. Anakin was being torn in two and the pain of it was so great and unbearable, his body trembled unable to contain it. He struggled to get a handle on himself.
He concluded that he'd rather not have any memory of her than to live in perpetual pain without her. It was necessary to put away the things of Anakin Skywalker --- to freeze them in suspended animation and lock them up in a chamber in the deep recesses of his mind. He had to become someone entirely different in order to maintain his sanity.
In agony Anakin silently stood. He was the image of restrained chaos and unmitigated rage as he gazed upon the floor desperately struggling to understand why and to what end. The force dealt me a cruel hand, Anakin thought.
"Do not feel you are being punished, Anakin. Her death was necessary for change to occur. That is the will of the force." A displaced familiar voice echoed throughout the docking bay.
Anakin was startled out of his thoughts. He switched on his lightsaber and prepared to fight. He searched with a ready eye from wall to ship to floor. He slowly walked searching for the owner of the familiar voice. It was comforting and reassuring much like Obi wan's. There was wisdom laced within it. It invoked a memory of long ago, on Tattooine just before the podrace that propelled him towards a life as a Jedi Knight. A memory of when a certain Jedi master whispered words of comfort and advice in his ear.
Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel. Don't think. Trust your instincts.
From the corner of his eye, he saw the shimmering whitish blue likeness of Jedi master Qui gon Jinn slowly manifest before him. Anakin blinked suddenly recognizing his old master. His widened yellow eyes returned to their natural azure. His mouth dropped, "Master Qui gon?"
"The will of the force is both mysterious and powerful. Not even I know the reasons beyond its will." Qui gon looked much like the way Anakin had remembered him. His hair gracefully draped along his shoulders. His face bore wisdom, confidence and assured peace. Qui gon approached Anakin with his hands clasped behind his back.
Anakin sighed and turned off his lightsaber, "I can't believe you're here."
"I have always been with you and Obi wan, Anakin. But your seeing me is a gift that will last only for a short time. It is time for you to complete your next task."
Anakin breathed in, "I am sorry Master. I'm afraid I will not be able to take on any more assignments. I--" He turned his back to hide his tears still in his eyes, "I am not the same man."
Qui gon gave a knowing smirk, "You believe that the loss of your wife, and the fact that your desire to fully embrace the darkside makes you something entirely different?"
"Doesn't it? I was a faithful to the lightside and was forsaken! I am not who I used to be!" Anakin turned to face the force spirit. "I am not who I thought I was."
"No, you are not." Qui gon agreed. "But you can become who you were born to be." Qui gon paused. "The chosen one."
"I have hated that title from the beginning." Anakin shook his head, "No. Someone thought to be the chosen one would have been able to prevent this from happening!" He pointed at the doors leading back to the medical facility. "The chosen one would have been able to save her! I am not the chosen one!"
"Drawing upon the dark side of the force and having the ability to return, is a feat the chosen one would be the first to achieve." Qui gon tilted his head forward.
Anakin turned his shoulder toward him and spoke tiredly, "Master, I am not what you think I am."
"The will of the force at times can test our courage, test our loyalty." Her signature still lingers in the force, Anakin."
"What?"
"The love you shared with Padme is part of the living force. Through that bond you have create a symbiont circle. Without her, your heartache and trauma will have drastic effects on you and you would suffer, either mentally or emotionally. Without you, she may never find peace in the afterlife. You can still save her, Anakin. If her spirit is willing, if it is the will of the force, she can return to you, fully restored."
Anakin was speechless. The tears in Anakin's eyes seemed to dry up almost immediately. He blinked. Anakin ran a hand through his hair and exhale a shaky breath. He looked at Qui gon almost suspiciously. "Why didn't you tell me this before all this happened? Why didn't I see that I could save her this way?"
"Again, it is the will of the force that guides me. It is the will of the force that you could not see beyond her death."
Before Anakin could ask why, Qui gon answered, "I do know reasons beyond the force's will."
"Is there a chance this could fail?"
"It is possible however, that she may not return. And in the case of that happening, you must accept the finality of it."
"H-how do I do this?" Anakin was intrigued.
"With meditation. Your faith in the living force, your faith in the will of the force and with unselfish love, you can reach out to her and recall her spirit." Qui gon said, "Against the code of the Jedi, you have already embraced the living force. Now you must learn to accept whatever the will of the force dictates. Follow the flow of it and never try to bend it to your will. You must let go of your own desires and love her selflessly whether she remains with you or not."
Anakin looked at Qui gon ambiguously.
"Does it surprise you that I promote love or the use of the living force?"
"Well, yes. The Jedi did not encourage use of the living force." Anakin turned his eyes toward the floor.
"Yes, an attempt to prevent attachment." Qui gon nodded. "I am sure you are aware the surviving Jedi masters already have begun to understand that emotion walks hand in hand with all life forms." Qui gon raised a finger; "The Jedi knight must learn control in order to be successful."
"Recall Padme's spirit will not be an easy task." Qui gon stepped closer, "Only a Jedi powerful enough to immerse himself in the force, who can keep the balance between the light and the dark, and who's pure of heart can do this. A Sith could never achieve this. What Sidious told you was indeed a lie."
"Keeping the balance between the light and the dark?" Anakin furled his brow, "Master Qui gon, what are you saying?"
"As you already know, we were taught the force is composed of the dark and the light. Together they create a synergy. Embracing one side creates imbalance and disharmony. The Sith were destroyed because of they favored the darkside. The Jedi were practically eradicated because they favored the lightside. The use of one side of the force led to the demise of both factions, a fate that will befall anyone who does not embrace all of the force. To create balance within the force, both sides must be utilized. It is with you this change must and will begin, Anakin."
Anakin looked at Qui gon incredulously "You are saying that I should use both sides of the force. Both the light and the dark?"
Qui gon slowly walked around Anakin as he explained, "The view of the force held by both Sith and Jedi were erroneous and misguided. History proves that all aspects of the force must be in balance with each other. All aspects must be embraced. The physical, the unifying and the living force must all be supported. Accept that there is neither dark nor light. Understand that the force is not binary but a unary energy field."
Anakin considered all the words Qui gon said.
"The actions of the Jedi will remain guided by the will of the Force. That includes taking any action even if it seemed to draw on the darkside." Qui gon looked at Anakin eye to eye. "The masters must be told of all that I have just told you."
Anakin nodded, "Yes of course, Master."
"I think Obi wan should handle this. You will be busy with your wife, I think."
"The other masters may have a hard time believing this."
"Leave that to Obi wan and myself."
Anakin remained silent, quietly studying all that Qui gon had told him.
Placing a hand on his shoulder, he said, "You must understand that Padme's death served as a catalyst, inspiring you, the chosen one, to invoke change in the Jedi code and the Jedi's perception of the force."