CHAPTER 15 (cont'd)
Although Jobal greatly disapproved of Anakin's attempt at returning her daughter, Ruwee allowed it. Proponing Padme's funeral was a decision only Anakin had the power to do. Ruwee, despite his uncertainty, sympathized with Anakin and agreed to keep Jobal calm and talk her out of going the queen. As along as Anakin promised a proper funeral only fitting of a beloved former queen and senator, Ruwee would go along with Anakin's plan. However it seemed that after three weeks of constant trial and error, Anakin was becoming less and less furious and more depressed.
Anakin rarely made an appearance outside of the bedroom where Padme laid. He barely ate or slept. Nandi often prayed for Anakin, as she suspected that Anakin had succumbed to his grief. The truth was Anakin often utilized all his knowledge to attain full exposure to the force. He fasted for two weeks to focus his concentration. Nothing was good enough; Anakin was always willing to try something else.
He stood out on the balcony listening to the waterfall in the distance and watched the sunset. He could hear the cooing of his infants and the Nubian lullaby Teckla was singing them. Anakin looked over his shoulder back into the room to where Padme still laid. His eyes blurred when he realized that it should be Padme's voice singing the lullaby. He realized how hard he had tried. He had done everything exactly as Qui-gon instructed. He than embraced the living force, and he loved her more than life itself. The only conclusion was that Padme's return was not the will of the force and Anakin had not expected that. It's not fair! Something must not have been done right. No, I did everything just as Master Qui gon had told me.
As anger and frustration turned his depression into a turbulent storm, questions began swimming around. Why could I not find her? She was—is—a good person. She deserves to be with her family. We deserve to be together! We loved each other! His hands shook violently as he felt himself losing control. He felt the agonizing tears trail down his cheeks, but suddenly a soothing calm passed over him. A voice, unbidden, sounded in his ears, as clearly as if the owner stood beside him. And then a memory played along with it.
A vision of his mother's face before he left Tattooine came to him. He remembered he moment when he his strength to leave her failed. He couldn't do it, especially if he didn't know if he'd ever see her again.
"I don't want things to change." On the verge of tears, Anakin saw himself struggling with conflicting desires.
With a smooth and comforting voice, Shmi replied,"But you can't stop the change, no more than you can stop the suns from setting." Although she struggled with conflicting emotions herself, her decision to let him go was resolute. She knew it was the best thing for him, even if it meant that she'd never hold him again. Despite the torture this brought her, she wished the same strength for him and said, "Now be brave and don't look back. Don't look back."
Anakin came out the vision, blinking his eyes and checking his reality. His chin trembled as he finally understood. He understood that whatever fate was meant for Padme, he would trust in the will of the force. And it would be the best thing for her. He shuddered.
Padme was more than a woman. She was a pillar of strength, integrity, love and compassion. She was everything Anakin wanted in a wife and more. He would take pleasure in knowing that she would become one with the force and therefore where ever he'd go, she'd be with him.
He squeezed the railing of the balcony tightly as he bowed his head and sobbed bitterly. Anakin could not be angry or frustrated anymore. There was nothing he could do. He understood now that he had to let go of her and be a father to his children. That is what Padme would have wanted. He stopped crying and wiped away the tears from his cheeks and sighed. As he straightened, a small knock was heard on the door.
Anakin, knowing who it was said, "Come in."
Ruwee came in slowly and reverently walked toward his lifeless daughter's body. It seemed that since the news of her death, he had aged five years. The bed, on which Padme was lying, had four posts that supported a canopy and had sheer curtains cascading around it. Ruwee dared not move the curtains or come close enough to see that she is not actually sleeping. He stretched out his hand and let it pass lightly against the curtain. Without looking at Anakin, he spoke softly, "From here, it looks as if she were only asleep."
"How I wish that were true." Anakin said somberly.
There was a moment of silence before Ruwee spoke again, "How are you holding up, son?"
"I'll be alright." Anakin still could not face him. His guilt was becoming more overwhelming than he expected. He had assured this man success. He assured him that his daughter would return. Anakin had never felt shame like this since his mother's death. He bit his bottom lip, regretting he ever brought Ruwee hopes up. But although Ruwee held the Jedis' ability with the force, he knew the impossible could not be done. The Jedi were capable of many things, but raising the dead was not one of them.
"Anakin, you are going to make yourself sick holding in your grief!" Ruwee looked in Anakin direction. "The servants tell me you barely eat, that you do not sleep. You've hardly spent time with your children." He paused allowing himself to calm. "You loved my daughter. I know that. No one who loves like that can keep grief like this at bay without going crazy."
"Your wife already thinks so." Anakin raised is eyebrows slightly.
"She thinks keeping Padme's body here for so long is sacrfilege. And she's still very angry about that." Ruwee turned toward Anakin.
"I am well aware of her demeanor." Anakin turned to face Ruwee, "And I am well aware of what she thinks of my actions."
"You must understand," Ruwee raised his hands, "Jobal didn't mean those things she said. She has great respect for the Jedi and the force."
"Her pain overshadows her reason." Anakin nodded.
"As does yours?" Ruwee raised an eyebrow.
Anakin turned to face him, "Perhaps. I just wanted her back so badly. I wanted my children to have their mother."
"It's a horrible thing to be blessed and cursed at the same time." Ruwee glanced at the floor, "I can imagine how you must feel right now."
He looked up at Ruwee and took a few steps towards him, "No…you can't. Your wife still lives. For three weeks, I have attempted and consistently failed to bring her back. I have the power to do. Yet, I am unable to execute it. I have gone over every detail meticulously. I drain my strength and energy with every attempt. You can't possible understand what it's like."
Ruwee nodded in admission. He sighed and said, "What happens now?"
Anakin sighed and looked away. He muttered, "Begin making funeral arrangements."
Ruwee blinked, "What made you decide this?"
Anakin turned his shoulder towards Ruwee "It's just something I remembered my mother say."
Ruwee allowed a moment of silence hoping that Anakin would elaborate. But Anakin remained silent.
Ruwee not wanting to press, he slowly said, "Her ---death—has not been made known. The people of Naboo loved her as Queen and as Senator. They will want to pay their respects and say goodbye."
"I-I can't make any decisions right now. Um—" Anakin's voice cracked, "Would it be alright if –"
"Of course. Jobal and I will handle the arrangements. Let us know if there is anything you'd like." Ruwee nodded. "We'll tell the Queen and then the public in two days. There is much to do."
Anakin looked at Padme's body. "Please don't consider what I have done a perversion of nature. I can only do what the will of the force will allow. I guess this is one thing that was not permissible."
"While you are an exceptional Jedi, you are even more so as a man. You are only human." Ruwee stepped closer to Anakin and placed a hand on his shoulder, "You are still a part of this family, Anakin and we are here for you anytime you need us."
Sadly, Anakin nodded. Ruwee did not need to tell Anakin that he loved him like a son. Anakin already knew it.
Anakin walked into the nursery and stood over his sleeping children. Luke and Leia slept quietly and peacefully. They were happily enjoying the things their dreams were made of. They dreamed of their father and of sound of their mother's voice. Quick smile quickly spread across their cheeks and disappeared. Anakin leaned over Luke's bassinet and stroked his cheek. Anakin couldn't help the smile from coming across his face. Luke was his pride. He heard small whimpers from Leia that called his attention. Leia was stirring from her sleep. Anakin picked her up and cradled her in his arms. He sat in a rocking chair positioned between the two cribs and tried rocking Leia back to sleep.
Anakin gazed up at the moonlight and said to Leia, "You look so much like your mother. I loved your mother very much. I loved her more than life itself. But somehow my love for her has driven me to extremes that blind me." He looked down at the infant child. "and then it drives me to discover things about myself that I have forgotten. I know you miss mommy. I miss her too. But we must trust that where she is right now is the best place for her to be her happiest. She has become one with the force and her presence will be with us no matter where we are. Thanks to your grandmother, she helped me realize it. Your mother told me once, that our love was so powerful not even death could stop it. What do you think?" Anakin smiled at his daughter as she yawned. "One day when you fall in love you'll understand. Until then, it's just the three of us. I am sorry I haven't been around to see you guys. I promise I will be the father you both need. I will love you as much as my mother loved me." Anakin looked back up at the moon, "And, I will make sure you two always know how much your mother loved us too."
Anakin looked down at Leia and found fast asleep nestled in the crook of his arm. He shifted and kissed Leia on the forehead. He placed her back in her crib and said, "Sweet dreams, princess."
Anakin walked towards the doors to the balcony and stared out at the meadow where they shared their first picnic so many years ago. Ghostly imagines of them laughing and rolling around came into view. Anakin smiled halfheartedly and left the room.
Anakin walked back into his room and shut the door. He walked over to her body and sat down a big easy chair beside the bed. He gazed at her silhouette as thoughts of trying again and calling off the funeral plans plagued him, but he shook them away. The tears involuntary poured down his cheeks as the pain threatened to never leave him.
Anakin spoke softly to her and said, "For awhile, I couldn't understand why my heart kept beating now that you are gone. But I understand now. I'll always love you, Angel."
It was time to let go. And so Anakin did. Be brave and don't look back…don't look back. He put his feet up and leaned his head back and cried himself to sleep.
AN EPILOGUE WILL FOLLOW.