Chapter 20

I hope you are still enjoying my story as much as I enjoy writing it! The chapter might be a bit heavy with some harsh content, just so you know...

France

"Amen." All children spoke out loud. Rose nodded her head again as she waited impatiently until she could start. She felt more aggravating than before she arrived. And as the days faded away slower than expected, she started to miss her delicate life and the busy streets of Philadelphia. The sound of her heels clicking onto the cobblestones filled her dreams and desires. There she felt deserted in the comfort of a place she had known all her life, here it she was all alone in an alien environment.

Again, her lessons ended with another biblical verse and she watched how the two boys lead their younger sister down the stairs. She sighed, closed her books and placed them onto the edge of her desk before descending down to the kitchen herself. Summer had started to come to an end and the cold chills of autumn had begun to fill the house. Rose felt a shiver run down her spine and put another block of wood onto the fireplace. Her hands felt cold and numb as like the rest of her body. Staring lifelessly at the flames, the hopes that in a way the fire would take her over and free her. Rose's thoughts were unhealthy as she realised herself, but she could not stop them from taking over. Like a dark and cloudy shadow, they had manoeuvred their ways into her head.

"Mildred, I can't do this anymore." Rose whispered softly whilst looking outside of the window later that night.

"It will all get better in time, Rose. You just have to get used to the way things are going here." Her answer was not what she had expected to hear.

"No! It's been ten weeks already and I feel nothing but miserable. I was asked to educate the children, not to sit and pray all day. I cannot not even get any contact with them at least not unless it is about God or anything that has to do with the church." Mildred simply shrug her shoulders and continued with the dishes. There was not another word spoken between them.

Their connection had faded to dust in the course of a few weeks. In a way, Mildred had turned distant and somewhat emotionless; there was barely any possibility to reach her. Like a silent mystery the maid roamed around the house not only during the day, but only at night. Then there was that look in her eyes as if she had drifted off into a far away place. Rose knew close to nothing about her past, apart from where she came from and the darkness of it. Mildred carried it with her still. A shadow hovering over her soul.

Again, Rose rested her head onto her pillow, waiting until she would be granted with sleep and it never came. Her brain was playing tricks with her, bringing up memories she wished would burn in hell. It now only burned inside of her.

"You have to promise me, Mr. Dawson. Promise me that you'll not hurt her feelings. Please promise me that if you decide to marry my sister, it is only out of pure admiration…"

Her words from that one night slipped into her mind like an illness. It hurt, but she couldn't stop thinking about their interactions. The last one, the desperation in both their eyes. How badly she wished she had made different choices. Now, there was no turning back anymore. Violet now carried the name of the man that would for always held a piece of her heart. She was what she had always longed to be; a wife. Security and prosperity would bring her nothing but happiness. Knowing they had never responded to her letter, Rose would soon only be a faded memory in the DeWitt Bukater household. Her pictures disappearing, her room being emptied out. She was nothing to them anymore.

"Only," She spoke softly to her ceiling as if it was listening at her patiently, "am I still on your mind like you are on mine? Will you sometimes see a small glance of my face like I see of yours?" Her breathing had become a hard tremble and it was difficult to inhale air. Rose shot up and felt the tingling sensation of a salt tears rolling down her neck. "Oh Jack what have I done?"

Taking a seat behind her desk she grabbed an empty sheet of paper and dipped her pen into ink. The words almost appeared themselves:

Dear Wendy,

I feel like I have totally lost my mind. You might call me crazy, but the outcome of my decisions have drifted me further from myself than I already was. Perhaps there was once a spark of hope; now it is all gone.

That kiss. That kiss you told me to forget as you saw it lingering in my eyes. (I know you saw it, Wendy) It lingers not only in my eyes, but my mind, my lips. I crave it. I am cursed. Therefore I ask you, no beg you, to write me back and tell me how happy they are. I need to be able to feel their happiness to be able to move on.

Help me to move on…

Yours always,

Rose

Her hands now hurt from the writing, yet it was the only way to free herself from her inner torment. Folding the paper tightly, she kissed it and held it against her chest for a solid minute. Freedom was waiting around the corner.

A loud bang brought Rose back to her senses and she suddenly saw a streak of light peaking from underneath her door. Then there was the shadow of footsteps passing by in a hastened pace. Rose tried to listen to the murmur of voices that came from upstairs. It was him. The growling tone of his vocals rung through the thin and delicate walls. He sounded like a phantom. Mr. Dubois his words soon turned into silence followed by soft but clear whispers of his spouse. Without a second thought, Rose opened the door and almost bumped into the young wife. Mrs. Dubois froze into place looked her dead in the eyes and ran away.

"Mrs. Dubois, attendez!" Rose followed the distressed woman. As she saw her flee into a room on the end of the corridor there was a final glimpse of Jesus' burning glance before the door shot in from of her. Leaning against the wooden frame, Rose called out for her.

"Go to bed, mademoiselle Rose." Mrs. Dubois whispered from the other side, "I need to pray."

Rolling her eyes, Rose felt a rush of anger taking over her body. She slapped her hand against the wall, knocked onto the door and called out her name repeatedly. "Can someone tell me what on earth is going on here?"

"Save yourself, madame." Scared by her words, Rose backed up and almost tripped over her own feet. Everything felt like a fever dream, or even a nightmare she seemed not to be able to wake up from. There was still noise coming from above. That man was not alone. Another groan, louder and more importunate, echoed through the ceiling. Rose felt scared; frightened, almost in a state of panic. Why did she need to save herself? What did she need to save herself from? The coldness of the floor numbed her feet to the point it started to hurt, yet she moved. Slowly but surely, Rose strutted towards the stairs that lead her towards the attic. There was a mystery waiting to be discovered, her question was ready to be answered.

One step at a time, one breath after the other. The anxiety within her felt like it was about to explode. He was up there, Rose knew it for sure. But, what she saw then was an image that would forever be burned on her retina. Mr. Dubois' hands moved through her platinum blonde curls and she smiled at the feeling of his touch on her bare skin. She was wearing nothing but her chemise and stockings. She let him touch her wherever he desired. Mildred obeyed to his every move like a puppet; an object, she was his possession. As Mr. Dubois removed the rest of her clothing, a giggle filled the room and she laid herself down onto the bed. Rose gasped for air as she felt nothing but sickness, confusion and disgust. Slowly moving away from the situation, she covered her ears with her hands. Within seconds she was back at the door. It was still closed.

"I don't know if you are still inside, madame, but you need to save yourself." There came no response, only a movement. Rose was being pulled inside and she almost collapsed onto the floor. Mrs. Dubois kneeled down, rested her finger onto her lips and kept the burning candle close to her face. She looked paler than she already was with dark circles underneath her eyes.

"Please tell me what is happening!"

"I reckon you saw what is going on up there? I heard your footsteps."

Rose nodded her head and allowed herself to sit down onto the floor. Pulling her knees against her chest she tried to calm down by rocking her body like a baby.

"My husband wants another child. That is what is happening."

"What on earth do you mean by that?"

"Our children aren't mine, mademoiselle. I can't have them. I have been cursed by the devil for something and I do not know what it is. I am nothing but an impure woman."

Covering her face to hide her reaction it started to make sense. Of course they were not her for there was not a single form of resemblance to be found in their faces. Rose thought about Mildred's odd behaviour towards them. Her secret glances and strange remarks. One second she despised them, the other she beheld an enormous admiration. Believing she had completely sunken into her own sadness and pain, there was no possibility to process the secret touches and conversation the maid often had with the master of the household. Her disappearances and continues silence. Yes, Rose was indeed living inside of a horrible dream.

"They are Mildred's aren't they?"

A silent tear rolled down Mrs. Dubois' cheek as she whispered a soft yes. "I married my husband seven years ago. He was an old friend of my father and after he passed away my husband promised me a life. What was I to think other than to believe him, mademoiselle? I was only sixteen."

"Oh madame." Rose sighed and reached out for her hand.

"I could not give him what a wife is supposed to give. Slowly but surely his affection turned into pure hate. Then there came both something fortunate and unfortunate: Mildred. I don't know what happened between the two of them, but within two months she was carrying his child."

Rose tried to push herself up and moved away from the distressed woman. The pain in her eyes made her stomach drop. Jesus was still there. His large body nailed onto the cross that hung in the middle of the wall. Even with only the dim light of that one candle the messiah also had a tear painted onto his face. It was mixed in with blood, the perfect representation of despair.

"Maurice." Rose whispered and touched the crafted face of Jesus.

"The three of us made an agreement. Both of us women were allowed stay as long as Mildred would give him children. And so she did." It was enough for the governess to handle, it felt impossible to endure another word of the whole story. Leaving Mrs. Dubois on her own, Rose brought herself into safety. It was her usual walk through nature to make sure she was completely alone with only her thoughts. Her body leaned against the oak tree as she felt the need to empty her stomach. There was nothing left. There was nothing left of her.

In the morning, the soft grass which tickled against her cheeks brought her back to consciousness. She was still there; in the shadow, underneath the branches and leaves of nature. A chilling breeze awakened her body completely. Rose groaned in pain as she sat back up. Staring over the grassland the house looked like a monster. It called to her, but she did not want to listen. She wished it would burn right in front of her and take all that was left of this part of her life with it to the ground. A desire for a clean slate. A new foundation to build on. Looking down at her nightdress it was all covered in mud and green stains. Perhaps the cotton had even changed colours due to the salt of her tears. And as she noticed that there was no smoke coming from the chimney, Rose dared to move forward.

The silence that welcomed her when she entered the kitchen calmed her nerves a bit and she dared to head up to her room. One by one she unbuttoned her dress and let it fall onto the floor. Within a few minutes Rose had managed to make herself look somewhat descent and made her way towards the library. Three heads with luscious curls turned around to greet her.

"Good morning, mademoiselle Rose." They all said at the same time.

Acknowledging their presence she nodded and sat down onto her chair. "Good morning children. Where is everyone?"

"Mother and father have an appointment in Paris and mademoiselle Mildred is accompanying them."

Relieved by their words, Rose let out a deep sigh. "When will they be back?"

"I believe before dinner. Now can I choose a prayer today?"

"No Louis, you can not. I don't want to hear a single prayer today. I don't want to hear the name of our lord and saviour fall from your lips. Am I in anyway unclear?" The shook their heads, "Good. Today, I want you to see the world with your own eyes. To feel things with your own hands, to think about anything with your own minds. Now grab your coats. I'll wait for you outside."

It did take them more than an hour to get themselves ready, yet Rose didn't seem to mind. For the first time in what felt like forever, she finally had the idea that it was she who was in control of something. Inhaling the scent of the new season she waited until they had all gathered and showed them the way into town. Behind the fear and doubt in the children's eyes, Rose could also sense a form of curiosity. They beheld a sparkle of joy. The youngsters were so innocent, had no clue of all the shame and deception that happening around them. As she looked at them closely, Rose could only hope that this was the start of a widened horizon for them.

It took almost an hour to get to the heart of the town. It was a small street with nothing more than a few stores and a cafe, but as the people and carriages moved around carelessly, it was more life than the little ones had ever encountered.

"You see that building over there, children?" Rose asked and they all nodded their heads, "We are going inside and get ourselves a refreshment. Without a second thought they all rushed towards the door and burst their little bodies through it. Content and calm, she followed.

"Bonjour mademoiselle Rose." Anna, a middle-aged woman greeted her as she stepped inside. The lady was tall and slender, with her black and grey hair perfectly pinned up. The bar belonged to her late husband who died a few years ago and it was the only thing that was left of him. She could never give it up. Whenever Rose had some time off she would visit the bar and listen to Anna's great stories or watch how this small town came together in this even smaller placer.

"Bonjour, Anna. I have brought some company today." She directed the children to an empty table in the middle of the room. As well behaved as they were they sat down and remained quiet.

"I see." Anna smiled, "What can I get you all to drink?"

"I think the children are rather cold so maybe some hot milk with anise and for me the usual tea, please."

"Of course."

"Oh and Anna. Would you mind posting this letter for me? I saw the postoffice is closed today." She put the envelope with Wendy's name onto the counter and walked towards the table. Taking off her coat and gloves, she sat down.

"You're trembling, mademoiselle." Maurice noticed as she looked at her hands. "Are you cold?"

"Yes." Rose quickly said although it wasn't true. She was still in shock about the truth of their family. The scene was locked inside her head and played itself over and over again. "Now take out your books, please. I have a lot I want to talk about today."

It didn't take long for the siblings to get used to their new surroundings. They thawed into new personas as if their real personalities came to the service. For the first time in weeks Rose felt as if she was having a real connection with them. They chatted, smiled and actively interacted with their teacher. It finally felt like the sun was shining after a long and dreadful storm. Henriette had crawled onto Rose's lap, put her little hands into hers until her eyes grew heavy.

The bar was starting to fill with local men who came in to have a quick drink before returning back to their wives and Rose believed it was now a good moment to head home.

"Merci mademoiselle Rose." Louis said to her as they walked through the gates of their property, "I really liked it."

"Me too!" Responded Maurice as he made a little jump into the air.

Rose chuckled. "I am glad children and I promise you we will do it again whenever it is possible. Only," she kneeled down to face them and look them into their eyes, "I think it is best not to tell your parents or mademoiselle Mildred even. This is our little secret."

"D'accord."

It did not take long for Mr. and Mrs. Dubois to return from their trip to Paris. Within an hour, the house was filled with a dreadful tension that made you feel sick within an instant. It was now dark as Rose and Mildred finished the dishes in silence.

"What did Mr. Dubois have to do in Paris?" Rose tried to lighten the mood between them.

"I am not quite sure." Mildred responded.

"But you were with him?"

"I was with Madame. He went his own way as soon as we entered the city. Now if you will excuse me, I need to bathe the children."

"All right." Rose simply said, "Do you want me to put out the fire now? I am going to bed early."

"Yes, thank you." Mildred turned around the corner and was out of sight.

Rose hoped that if she were to retire before anyone else she would not have to witness for whatever the night had to bring. Knowing that Mr. Dubois was desperate to have another child, who knew how often he would take action to do so. Rose wanted to drift off into a deep slumber only to awaken in a state of peace.

Still, there was no time to hope for such a desire. A sound like thunder bursted through the walls again and Rose shot up, ready to run off into the night once more. Footsteps, voices, the same pattern as the night before. Only they did not pass her bedroom, yet stopped right in front of it. With a force swung, her door burst open and Mr. Dubois came running in. Before Rose could respond she felt a sharp pain on the left side of her cheek. She put her hand onto her nose and when she removed it, blood was flooding down her arm. The taste of iron rested on her lips and she felt she was going to panic.

"I knew from the moment you entered this house you would be trouble." He spat at her and grabbed her by her arms with such a strength that she almost fainted, "You work for the devil, don't you? He has sent you here, hasn't he?"

"I don't know what you are talking about, monsieur!" Rose cried.

"Liar! How dare you trying to curse my children! You will pay for this."

Before Rose was able to respond to his threatening accusations, another blow hit her body. She grabbed her stomach, fell over and hit her head before the world turned dark.