Chapter 21

If someone were to ask what hurt the most, Rose could not possibly answer the questions. At times her emotional pain took over the agony of her physical state until it was the other way around. There was no notion of time, not notion of location. Everything in her world was dark and cold. Rose often wondered if she had died, now forever resting in a place of nothingness. But it were the sounds from outside, voices, footsteps, nature that made her realise that the hell she thought to have entered was in fact real life.

Then there was Mildred, visiting every once in a while with a tray of food. The opening and closing of the door allowed the only streak of light to touch her face. It hurt and Rose would turn her body away like a scared animal. She was scared, beyond frightened even; believing there was no way out anymore and for what?

After the encounter with Mr. Dubois, the hits and her going out on the oak wooden floor, he had locked her up inside of her bedroom and time had stopped existing all together.

"Can you sit up straight, please?" She heard Mildred's voice closely behind her. Rose was laying on her side, her back facing the other woman. She kept her eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, but as Mildred touched her shoulder and tried to turn her around she cried out in pain. "Please sit up straight so I can give you your medicine, Rose."

"I can't swallow anything. It hurts too much."

"And it will only hurt more if you don't take it." She then touched her trembling body again and pulled her up until she was sitting.

"Help me, Mildred, please." Rose whispered desperately. She put her hands onto hers and, in the blackness of the room, tried to look for her eyes. Wanting to see and feel a glimpse of sorrow, she kept staring but there was nothing, "I can leave now and leave you all at peace if that is what you are worried about."

"Mr. Dubois doesn't want you to hurt anyone else. You've been possessed Rose and you need to be saved from the Devil."

"By locking me up like a prisoner? Mildred, please use your senses! There is no such thing as the Devil. The only one close to that thing is Mr. Dubois himself!"

"Stop it! Of course he exists. I have seen him with my own eyes." She stood up from the bed and marched back towards the room. Rose's words stopped her in her tracks.

"Was it you that informed him? Was it you that told him I took the children into town?"

"If you want to take the children away from here, Rose, the pub isn't the best place to go. Their clothes smelled like nothing but smoke and alcohol."

"I know the children are yours." Rose then said. Mildred was beyond shocked by her sudden statement and froze into place, "I know all of it. I have seen you two together, yet I don't understand why you keep going on with this? You must see it is not right, mustn't you?!"

"They provide for me. I have a life here, Rose."

"They use you as breeding stock."

"So what? Not all of us were born behind golden walls and have everything handed to them on a silver platter. I come from nothing, Rose! Nothing! If carrying his children is what gives me security in my life, then so be it."

Rose shut her eyes, hoping she'd disappear when she suddenly felt Mildred's presence next to her again. The maid put a glass of water into her hands and Rose saw her medicine dissolve into the liquid. It was a strong one, whatever it was called. The bitter taste of it made her skin crawl, but if it helped with her excruciating pain she simply had to go through with it. Feeling as if she was being hit by a brick, her consciousness slowly started to leave her body. She felt weak, as if she was floating on a big cloud, moving to a place she could not fully reach. It was both beautiful and sad because he was there. He was everywhere the minute she closed her eyes only to disappear when she came too close. Rose would call out his name only to be left alone without any form of response.

Jack

As if he was being grabbed by his throat and pinned down against a hard surface, he shook awake from his sleep and gasped for air. His shirt was soaking wet, his head throbbing in extreme discomfort. A knock was heard on his door and he threw his legs over edge of his bed almost stumbling over his own feet as he stood up.

"I am sorry to wake you, Mr. Dawson, but we are docking in two hours." A young steward informed him.

"All right," Jack croaked, his voice still filled with sleep, "What time is it?"

"Eight O'clock, sir. Would you like to have your breakfast served in your room?"

He shook his head. "No, thank you. I'll have it in the dining room." With a nod the steward headed on towards the next room.

He could only bear a small piece of toasted bread together with a fair amount of coffee to keep himself focused. The whole journey across the sea, his stomach was filled with nerves. Despite the words that she had written on paper he wondered if she really meant them. People had called him crazy, irrelevant, childish and a lot more for traveling halfway across the the world. He imagined looking into her eyes again after months. Her green portals to heaven he desperately wanted to sink in. Longing for the softness of her voice he could now only hear in his dreams. Barely a soul understood him.

"Well well well, look who we have here." Jack got distracted by a slightly familiar voice and looked up from his plate. The face of a distant acquaintance greeted him in the early hours of the day. Andrew Harrison was one of his brother's distant friends whom he hadn't seen in years. He was a proud man, having found himself a place into French nobility by marrying a long lost duchess. His jet black hair was neatly combed back and he twisted the edge of his moustache before sitting down at Jack's table.

"Morning Andrew." Jack straightened his back. The man's judgemental gaze made the poor boy feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Have you been on this ship all week? I haven't seen you around at all."

"I've been tormented by a horrible headache which kept me in the sole company of my cabin." Jack lied and took a sip of his coffee.

"Explains a lot. It's nothing for you to miss any social gathering. On your way to Paris?"

Jack nodded his head and responded with another falsehood. "Business and such."

Andrew Harrison placed his hand on his shoulder. "You've grown into a real responsible man, Jack. If you must know, Geoffrey and I were often worried about your reputation. Your bohemian way of life and such. But you've changed for the better," He grabbed a pen out of his jacket and wrote something down onto a clean napkin, "I don't know how long you'll be staying here for, but if you have any time you should come have dinner with us. Now I must go back before my wife starts to go crazy." Pushing paper towards him he was now gone like a dust of wind. For a moment, Jack kept staring at his handwriting before crumbling it up and throwing it onto his plate.

With only one suitcase in his hands he stepped off the the ship like he did when he did the last time he was in Europe. Only that time he didn't have a purpose. Like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind, he relied in God's good humour. He wasn't nerves back then; It was only calmness he felt.

Four hours of a silent train ride towards the city of love, he kept her letter fumbled between his fingers. Jack had lost count of how many times he had read over her words. That kiss. That kiss you told me to forget as you saw it lingering in my eyes. (I know you saw it, Wendy) It lingers not only in my eyes, but my mind, my lips. I crave it. I am cursed. Therefore I ask you, no beg you, to write me back and tell me how happy they are. I need to be able to feel their happiness to be able to move on.

Rose was unaware of the truth. In her reality he was now living a new life with her sister. The life that, out of three, only Violet longed for.

"Bonjour, Monsieur Dawson. Would you like me to bring you straight to the hotel?"

He shook his head. "No thank you. I would actually like to go to this address. He handed him the envelope.

Looking confused the chauffeur almost stumbled over his words. "This is more than an hour drive, monsieur."

"I know. But I really need to go there today. I'll pay you double as well as your fuel for the car."

"Step in, monsieur." He opened the door and closed it again before driving away from the business of the city. Within minutes Jack's eyes were focused on the greenery they were now surrounded by. He felt so far from reality, yet nothing felt more like home than the singing of the birds and the swaying of branches on trees. It made him stay awake, ignoring the extreme exhaustion that was lingering within him. Jack knew he had to stay focused on what was ahead of him. More than twenty possible conversations had crossed his mind. Rose had hugged him, kissed him as well as pushed him away and yelled that he needed to leave her alone. Everything was possible.

"Monsieur, we have arrived." They had stopped in front of a wooden fence and through the trees and bushes they could see what looked like a pile of bricks, "You really sure this is the place?"

"If it is what it says on the envelope then yes. Can you drive through that path?"

"Monsieur, this will be the death of my car."

"And I will give you a new car if it is necessary. Now please, I am beginning you."

Mumbling some words in inaudible French he proceeded further. As soon as they stopped in front of an old manor Jack jumped out of the vehicle and ran towards the front door. His heart felt like it was about to explode. For a second, his imagination took the better of him; she would be standing in front of him with her hair loose and falling gently over her shoulders. Then she would smile, her eyes turning smaller as they did when she was happy. It took a moment for the door to open and Jack held his breath only to look into the dark eyes of an older man. He stepped back and scratched the back of his neck.

"Oui?" He simply said.

"Bonjour, my name is Jack Dawson. I am looking for a girl…woman. Rose DeWitt Bukater. She works here as you governess am I right?"

"I have never heard of her, monsieur. Now if you will excuse me, we are eating."

"What do you mean you have never heard of her? I have a letter from her," he grabbed the envelope out of his pocket, "it has your address on it. You are Mr. Dubois right?"

"Good day to you." With a loud bang the door was being shut in his face. Confused and annoyed by the strange man's behaviour, Jack kept knocking, but there was no response. He stepped back and looked up at the house. All the curtains and shutters were closed as if it was completely abandoned. It didn't feel right. His gut told him that he was being lied to.

"Rose?!" He called out loud, "Rose, are you there?!"

Silence.

Jack turned away and looked back at his chauffeur who casually shrug his shoulders and then signed for him to step back in.

"Something is terribly wrong here." Jack mumbled beneath his breath whilst looking at the house one last time before driving off.

"You can drop me off right there." Jack sighed and pointed towards the street where there was the only sign of human life. He took his wallet out of his coat handed him his money before thanking him and watching him drive off. Now he was alone with only his suitcase resting in his hands. Strutting down the pavement it looked as if he had traveled back in time. People looked as if they were stuck in the 1800s, their eyes fixated on his fancy suit. Then they shook her heads and continued with their lives.

"Are you sure you are in the right place, monsieur?" The elder woman behind the bar Jack had fled into asked him curiously.

"If you can give me a whiskey on ice then I believe I am." He mumbled and sat down onto the chair. The woman chuckled and pushed the glass towards him. Within seconds it was gone and desperately asked for another one.

"Having a rough day, monsieur?"

"You can say that, yes."

"Is that an American accent I hear?"

Jack nodded his head. "I am from Boston."

"We don't often see Americans in our little village. What brings you here?"

"I am looking for someone. I thought she lived around here, but apparently I was wrong."

"A friend?"

Jack fell quiet and looked down at his glass. "Well… she uh… It's a bit more complicated than that."

The woman chuckled and shook her head. "You don't have to explain, monsieur. I can see it in your eyes. Love is always a complicated matter, but isn't that the beauty of it?"

It was hard to see the beauty in anything at this moment. Life was now more a grey cloud than it was a vibrant sky. Again, he took hold of the envelope and laid it down onto the bar. "I am looking for the family Dubois. I thought they lived at this address, but the man who opened the door didn't say a word and sent me away within seconds."

"The family Dubois does live there, yes." She said as she read it carefully, "But they are a strange group of people. Distant from the world around them. They barely come into town." Then her eyes widened and she looked up at him. She put her hands in front of her hands and gasped, "Of course, now I get it!"

"I am sorry, madame. What is it that you get."

"Rose. Are you looking for Rose?"

Jack started to nod his head heavily and shot up, almost flying over the counter. "Yes! Do you know her? Can you tell me where she is?"

"Of course I know her, monsieur. She is their governess and comes here every week. Only, I haven't seen her in a while."

Lowering his voice and taking a deep breath he outed his concern towards the lady. "All their windows are shut. I just know something is not right. I can feel it." He looked how she stepped from behind the bar and walked over towards the only occupied table. The three men stood up with their heads held low and and were escorted out of the door before she closed it behind them. The woman turned back around to look at his confused face. "Can you drive a car, monsieur?"

Perhaps this vehicle was slower than a carriage, yet Jack couldn't express his gratitude. It belonged to her old husband and the woman, who had eventually introduced herself as Anna, was unable to get rid of it.

"It was his pride and joy. Sometimes I even believed he loved this thing more than he loved me." She laughed. Jack tried to smile at her, but it was hard to concentrate at her stories when his mind was completely somewhere else. Despite being unsure if his surrounding, he eventually managed to park the motor in front of that wooden fence. With his feet deep down in the mud he finally reached the front door again where his loud knocks echoed through the whole premises.

"You again?" The man growled as he stood face to face with the intruder.

"I know who you are, monsieur." Jack said firmly as he tried to not show any form of emotion, "I also happen to know that there is a woman in this house who works here as a governess for your children. Now I don't know why you want to hide it from me, but I am kindly asking if I can simply talk to her."

"Get out right now!"

Jack ignored his threatening tone of voice, pushed his body through the door and headed inside. He kept calling out for her, desperately hoping for a sign. A sound caught him by surprise and he walked into a room. "Rose?" Through the dim light he could see that she was no where to be found. There was only another young girl, sitting next tot the fireplace. White like a table cloth, she backed away and he could see that her body was trembling.

"Madame. I am looking for Rose. Rose DeWitt Bukater."

She didn't respond and only kept staring at him.

"You know something don't you?!" Jack cried out in frustration, "You know where she is?" He stepped towards her and almost kneeled down to beg at her feet.

"Get away from my wife!" Mr. Dubois called from behind him. He flew at Jack's face and almost pushed him towards the ground. Jack lifted his arms in the air and grabbed the man by his collar.

"Where is she?" He growled, "Answer me now!"

Miss DeWitt Bukater left, sir!" Out of nowhere, a blonde woman rushed inside of the room and stepped between them, "She used to work here, yes. But she has left. Her and the children didn't get along unfortunately." Her English accent took him by surprise.

Jack tried to catch his breath and raised his eyebrows. "Did she tell you where she went?"

"No." She shook her head, "Alas, she left without a trace. No one knows where she went."

"You are lying."

"I am not! Now we cannot help you, sir. We are sorry. Mr. and Mrs. Dubois are feeling ashamed and betrayed by her, hence their... passionate reaction. Again, we apoplogise, but we cannot off you any more help. "

An awkward silence overtook the situation and Jack stepped away looking everyone in the eyes. Perhaps they were right. He could see her packing up her stuff and moving on towards an unfamiliar place. He was too late and she was lost once again. Without saying anything else, Jack walked out of the house and towards the car where Anna was nervously waiting for him.

"What happened?"

"Apparently she has left. They told me that she didn't get along with the children."

"That is absurd! She didn't get along with anyone but the children that is what she has told me many times, monsieur Dawson."

"They are lying." Jack gritted through his teeth and smashed his hand against the steering wheel. He wanted it to be nothing more than a lie for it would be too devastating if it were true. Losing her was too painful; something het could not go through again. Anna gently laid her hand on his shoulder. "We'll talk about it in the morning. You have to rest now."