Hey, everyone. I have to say, this chapter was hard to write. I had to pause multiple times because I partly speak from experience but it was also weirdly therapeutic. But this is your heads up that this chapter deals with emotional abuse, and while I know that not everyone's experience is the same, it might be a good idea to give this one a skip if this kind of stuff triggers you or makes you uncomfortable. Stay safe!

Also, I highly recommend listening to 'my tears ricochet (long pond studio sessions)' by Taylor Swift for this one, I basically wrote the entire chapter with that song on repeat :D

It was just after four in the afternoon when Hiccup walked into the fire station and fell into his chair, decompressing into the leather as he reclined and sighed.

He spun around to Snotlout as his cousin quietly walked into the control room, shooting him a soft smile. His eyes were red and Hiccup knew he'd been crying again. He nodded and stayed quiet as Snotlout sat down opposite him.

Hiccup knew Scott would never admit it, but his father's words still hurt. He'd looked distraught in a way that Hiccup had never seen him before that night. The way his voice sounded when he'd asked, 'I'm not a piece of shit, am I?' was still settled deep in his bones and almost made him feel sick. So far no one had seen Snotlout's father, but he assumed he'd either holed up in his flat or fled to the mainland. Hiccup's jaw tightened as he thought about the things he might say if he ever saw him again.

Snotlout's and his father's relationship had always been … complicated, to say the least. Hiccup grimly remembered the time they'd sat in Snotlout's bedroom, shortly after rescuing Hookfang. Snotlout had been staring at his hands, the frayed blanket on his bedsheet, anything but Hiccup's face.

His father had yelled at him again. For what, Hiccup didn't remember. It was always something stupid, trivial, but Spitelout had never struggled to find a reason to criticise his son like no one else. Stupid and useless were part of his day-to-day vocabulary, even when his nephew was there to hear.

'Hey, don't you … don't you think it's …" Hiccup had said and then trailed off, not quite finding the words. "It's not normal, you know. The way he talks to you."

Snotlout hadn't replied, just kept staring down on his patterned duvet.

"I mean …" Hiccup had sighed, afraid to say the word. If he didn't say it, who would?

"Have you ever thought that maybe what he's doing is called abuse, technically?"

"He doesn't hit me, though," Snotlout had said, finally breaking his silence. He's paused. "Well, I mean … only once but that was my fault."

Hiccup's heart had stung at that statement, vaguely remembering how he'd used to think along the same lines as a kid, back when his own father's language around him had been a little less than kind.

"You know," he'd said then, softly, his hand gently touching his cousin's arm. "Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can also be emotional. I don't know. I used to read a little bit about it, back in the day. And, I mean, I could talk to Dad about it. He never threatened me at all, he just had issues with the way he was talking to me but when I told him, he really worked on himself, you know? And now he's got way better at it and I feel okay. I just … it's not right, Snot. Your Dad shouldn't talk to you like that. No one should say that kind of stuff to you, ever. You're not stupid, you know."

Snotlout had shrugged then, and Hiccup had known that he didn't believe him.

"How's the training been going, by the way?" Snotlout asked Hiccup suddenly, shaking him out of his bitter nostalgia. "What's his name again, Bill?"

"Jim," Hiccup corrected his cousin. "It's been alright. I don't think Gobber wants me involved too much, so it's been really chill. He's a good guy. I think he said he was a firefighter and EMT in his hometown, so all Gobber's doing is just getting him up to speed on our system and stuff. I met his wife the other day, Melinda – she owns that antique shop that opened up just down the road of the Dragon's Den. They seem nice."

"Oh, yeah. Nice. It's gonna be weird having another person around, don't you think?" Snotlout asked, and leant back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. "Not gonna be just the three of us anymore."

"Well, I mean, Gobber's not gonna be around forever. He's gotta retire at some point – someday he must get tired of our shit."

Snotlout laughed. "I think we're well past that."

Hiccup chuckled. "Yeah, I think you're right."

They sat in silence for a few moments, and then Hiccup spoke softly.

"Hey, you doing okay?"

The question seemed to take Scott off-guard, and his shoulders tensed up ever so slightly. He shifted in his seat, almost nonchalant to the untrained eye.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not sleeping that well, you can hear Gobber's snoring all the way down the hallway."

He held Hiccup's gaze in silence until Hiccup's shoulders slumped and he frowned.

"Come on, man."

Snotlout sighed and hesitated. "Look," he said, and stopped, reaching for the words, wishing Hiccup hadn't asked. "You know I'm just … pushing this down. It's shitty. I still feel like shit, Hiccup. That's it. I mean, it's really nice of Stoick and Gobber to let me crash on their couch, but like … I don't know. I wanted to go on my own terms, you know? I knew I'd eventually go, I've been sick of his bullshit for a while, but that … that was scary. Like, genuinely scary."

He looked up and met Hiccup's gaze again.

"It comes and goes in phases with him, you know? There are the rough patches where every little thing triggers him into just … going ballistic, and you think okay, if I avoid him, I'll be safe, and then he gets angry at that. And then, you know, he calms down. And nothing happens for a while, and he's actually really nice. He'll get you your favourite kind of trail mix and you think everything's alright now, and it almost lulls you into this … false sense of security. And then something happens and it sets the whole cycle off again."

He sighed, deeply, and stared down at his desk.

"All I've ever wanted was to make him proud. I got the grades at school that he wanted me to get, I did the sports he wanted me to do. I started here because he wanted me to do something substantial and worthwhile and be respected by people. Don't get me wrong, I love it. But I would never have dared to do anything else that he hadn't approved of. For years and years and years, I was everything he wanted. He has the perfect son and then," he scoffed. "His posterchild turns out to be gay. And he always knows just what to say, where it hurts the most.

I don't know. It's probably for the best. Part of me thinks I probably would never have come out to him, just because I was so … paralysed by fear of his reaction. It was my worst fear, always. Him leaving or cutting me off. And, well, here we are. No wonder Mum left him."

His voice was bitter, and he was almost surprised there were no tears in his eyes. Perhaps he'd run out of tears to cry for his father who had never loved him quite enough to not ruin him, too.

"I just wish I could have done the same. Left with grace. Instead, he throws me out like I'm some old cardboard. Still though," he added, now sitting up. "He'll never be dead to me. It'd be easy to hate him but it doesn't quite feel right. Sometimes it's harder to love someone but I think that's okay. I'll be okay. In the end, it will have been worth it, I'm just not quite there yet."

The entire time he'd spoken, Hiccup had just sat there and listened, his green eyes never leaving his cousin's face.

And in this quiet moment of understanding, Snotlout had never been so glad for Hiccup's presence and his quiet disposition. It was comforting, it had always been. Because in this moment, he didn't really want anything else from him. No words, no advice, no 'I'm sorry's would ever come close to Hiccup just sitting and listening to every word he had to say.

"Actually, I'm surprised I haven't been back yet," Snotlout continued then, his lips almost curving up to a bitter smile. "Then again, he's probably changed the locks by now. I'm sure he's run off somewhere. He couldn't bear the shame of knowing he's the village gay's father." Cynicism dripped off every syllable. "It's a freeing thought, almost. Knowing I can go anywhere I want, now, without him. It'll be hard for a while, but I think I can do it. I'll stay home as long as I stay on Berk."

Hiccup nodded slightly and thought to himself about how until half a year ago, Berk had never been much of a home for him, despite having spent his entire life on the island. As a teenager, he'd always dreamed of taking the boat to the mainland and never turning back. But perhaps, there was a certain beauty in staying. Perhaps, the bravest thing to do was to stay and to face whatever it was that made you want to leave in the first place.

I know this was a bit of a heavy one, but I thought it was an important chapter to write. I wish someone had told me earlier that what was happening to me wasn't normal at all and that there was a name for it. So please, if this chapter reminded you of someone who might be going through something similar, talk to them. And if you're that person, please stay safe and talk to someone you can trust.A

Also, happy new year! I hope you have a safe, healthy and loved year.