Yay, my first fic under this screen name! I wanted it to be a Fruits Basket fic since that's what my name is and all, but oh well!
Kudos to Melissa Norvell for the idea (and the permission)! Read the story that inspired me, Mission: Freak Out Kakashi, located in my favorite stories list.
Rating this was also kind of hard. Some mental images may be a little disturbing, haha. It's not like I described anything in detail, but just imagining some of the things in here makes me want to puke. It's all up to you: do you want to risk it? If you do, congratulations and read on!
Disclaimer: Naruto is to me as gigantic house and five gazillion dollars are to me. (In other words, I don't own it.)
Some New Lessons in Ninjutsu
Kakashi, as usual, was sitting in a tree, book in hand, while his students were training below him. He was always reading while his team trained. I mean, he didn't have anything against his pupils—they were coming along quite nicely, in his opinion—but they were so… boring!
Sure, the drama itself was very real. There was Sakura's gigantic crush on Sasuke, for one thing, and that had been going on for a little while. Then Naruto liked Sakura for who knows how long, so there was always some kind of competition for her attention, even though Sasuke didn't give a damn one way or another. That was okay once in awhile, but that didn't cut it for Kakashi. Sakura never did a thing about her crush, and neither did Naruto. And sticking up for the crush in battle or blushing whenever said-person spoke to you didn't count! It wasn't any fun watching them train if they weren't going to do anything. Love triangles weren't interesting for Kakashi unless they involved whipped cream and sprinkles, at the very least. Which is why he brought his personal favorite, Icha Icha Paradise, to read that day—lots and lots of yummy toppings!
The teacher had just finished his second chapter when he heard a loud, "Kakashi-sensei!"
He looked down at the pink-haired girl who had called his name. "Yes, Sakura-chan?" he asked playfully, giving her a smile.
"It's getting late! Should we head home now?"
Kakashi looked towards the sun, which was already dipping below the horizon. Judging by its speed and trajectory, he had a good forty-five minutes more of reading time. That would give him just enough light to finish the best part, allotting a few minutes for some ogling. Damn, no matter what some people may say, trigonometry really comes in handy!
"How about forty-five minutes of… chakra practice?" he suggested slowly. As he spoke, the two male members of Team Seven joined Sakura at the foot of the tree. "As soon as you all make it to the top of the tree, we can go home. You can only use your chakra, mkay?"
"Okay, Kakashi-sensei!" the blonde shouted, causing the other three to cringe. "I'll be up there in two seconds! Believe it!" Even from his high position in the tree, Kakashi could see Sakura and Sasuke rolling their eyes. That was about as much action as he could expect from the entire team today. Sighing, he returned to his (much more entertaining) novel.
He was at the best part of the book when he heard hesitant footsteps behind him. Without looking up, he said, "Hello, Sakura. I suspected you'd be the first up here." He heard her giggle, but instead of sitting down, she leaned over his shoulder.
"Whatcha readin', Kakashi-sen…sei…?" He could feel her body stiffen and he mentally smacked himself in the head. She had just seen the main part of the ice-cream social.
Minus the ice cream.
Quickly, the jonin tried to cover his ass. "I, uh…hey! Who used substitution to change my book!" But what was even more surprising is when Sakura leaned over further.
"How are they doing that?" she asked in awe, pointing at a random picture on the page.
Kakashi cleared his throat carefully, trying to think of an answer that wouldn't involve the word 'flexibility'. Or 'goat'. Lucky for him, his mask covered most of the redness.
"I'm not exactly—"
"Is this some kind of secret ninjutsu or something?"
His eyes widened. "The answer is definitely—"
"Don't you lie to me, sensei!" she scolded, leaning over for a closer look at the book. "That looks like a hand signal to me!"
"Um, Sakura, I really don't think you understand…."
"Of course I do. This is it, right?" she prompted, shifting her body so that she was mimicking the woman's part…in her sensei's lap. Kakashi gulped, but Sakura was adamant. "C'mon, sensei, teach me! This could help me out in emergencies."
Just thinking about the emergencies she would use that position in caused Kakashi to shudder. He turned when he heard another person approaching. "Uh, hello, Sasuke…," he said, attempting to sound casual while Sakura changed positions in his lap to imitate the next picture. The young boy watched in silence for a moment, and Kakashi had an inkling he was going to die a sudden, horrible death. But he was wrong. Oh, how wrong he was.
"Kakashi-sensei," the young boy said finally, "you're not allowed to favor certain students over others. I have the right to learn those moves, too, and I fully intend to do so." The usually anti-social boy shoved Sakura off the sensei's lap and sat down. "Besides, Sakura was doing it wrong. It's like this." And, of course, he perfectly performed the move using his Sharingan eye.
Kakashi was dumbstruck…and a little turned-on, much to his chagrin. Interestingly enough, even the experienced teacher had never thought of using Sharingan to copy sexual moves. If the young boy was able to think like this now, what would he be like later…? He immediately suppressed the perverted thoughts swarming into his head.
"Stop acting foolish, Sasuke." The teacher shoved his student off his lap and shakily rose to his feet. "You shouldn't copy those moves."
Sasuke's eyes returned to their former state and the boy bowed his head. But, unfortunately, he wasn't doing it in apology. "You're right, Kakashi-sensei. I can't copy the moves." When the boy picked up his head, his eyes were once again red from the Sharingan. "The people in that book weren't wearing clothes. I must take off my own clothes to do this properly!"
He immediately began to throw off his clothing and Sakura soon followed suit. In the mean time, Kakashi backed slowly away, attempting to gather himself by thinking unsexy thoughts.
"Cold showers, dead puppies, Gai's eyebrows…."
It wasn't really working.
Suddenly, Sakura snatched the book out of his hand and began to eagerly flip through the pages. "Aha!" she said joyously, prodding an image in the book. "Look at this one! Three people! This move has to be incredibly strong!" She began to bounce around excitedly while Sasuke tried to catch her to see the picture. Even though Kakashi knew he should have turned away, he was frozen by some kind of sick fascination. Since when were twelve-year-olds this well endowed?
Sasuke finally managed to lean over her shoulder and see the picture. Immediately after, he began directing the group. "Okay, Sakura, you're supposed to be balancing on your head like this…." As he spoke, he mimicked the characters in the novel while Kakashi watched from the side, cowering by a tree limb. What happened to the boy that was hell-bent on exacting revenge? Was he going to exotically rape Itachi or something? Because ew. "Kakashi-sensei! Hurry, you're supposed to hold us up!"
He reacted on instinct, but when he realized what he was doing, Kakashi's eyes widened. Just by holding them up, he felt he could be tried in court for statutory rape or, at the very least, child molestation. It didn't help when Naruto clambered onto the tree limb with a big smile on his face.
"Hiya, guys! What—" He froze and stared, his eyes taking in the most awkward thing he had probably seen in his young life. The teacher could only groan and roll his eyes, begging God mentally for leniency. Instead of helping, it just made Kakashi look even guiltier, if that was possible. The young boy across from them hid his eyes from the semi-disturbing—wait, who am I kidding?—life-scarring sight and began to tremble. "Why…why…."
"Naruto," Kakashi started, "it's not what you—"
"Why didn't you call me sooner?" the boy exploded.
"Huh?"
"If you're teaching Sasuke some special ninjutsu, I want to learn it, too! I can do it better than he ever could!" Ignoring his sensei's pleas of morality and decency, Naruto dexterously signaled with his hands and shouted, "My special technique…harem no-jutsu!"
There was a puff of khaki smoke, and suddenly the tree limb was laden with half-naked female versions of Naruto, giggling and huddling close to the three posing ninjas. Kakashi, scared out of his wits, let go of Sakura and Sasuke, and they fell into a suggestive heap on the ground.
"Kakashi-sensei, don't you want me to get better?" the female-Narutos purred. "Show me the move again so I can try!"
"Naruto, stop acting like a—hey! Watch where you're putting that hand! Turn back to normal and get some clothes on!" The jonin slowly backed away from the scene, dodging the grabs made for his vest and…other places. "We can go home now, since you all reached the top." It was a sad attempt at disbanding the orgy, and he knew it. In a final desperate attempt for freedom, he tried to make a run for it, but he bumped into something behind him. When Kakashi saw what it was, he almost screamed.
"Hey, no one can learn secret techniques without the handsome devil of Leaf Village!" Rock Lee shouted, tears streaming down his face. He started to unzip his pants and slowly pull them down….
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Kakashi shrieked as he sat up with a start. Breathing heavily, he searched the vicinity, looking for any signs of naked twelve-year-olds or a stray harem no-jutsu member. But there was nothing. He was in his room alone, in his own bed, with a book nestled in his lap.
The teacher sighed, massaging his forehead in a vain attempt to rid himself of the disquieting mental images.
"Damn, I knew I shouldn't have read Icha Icha Paradise before I went to sleep…."
So, since this was my first mature fic and probably as close as I'm going to get to a lemon, please tell me what you think!