Hello!
This is the first part to my one-shot, the next part will be up as soon as you get reviewing! This delves into Cuddy's psyche, and i've not read many fics that do that - so i hope that it's ok!
Spoilers: Forever, and probably for the next House ep, which i think is called Who's your Daddy (?) I haven't seen these eps, but got a synopsis fromfriends - Prof, and Tniit. Cheers gals!
Disclaimer: i own de nada of this genious show that is House MD, but i do claim my own original characters, and the idea behind this fic.
Constructive feedback is welcomed!
What Could Have Been (part 1)
She sat at her desk; the two files lay in front of her – unopened. Two files, one decision. A decision that could change her life forever, make right what was wrong in the past.
The events of the past week were taking its toll on her. She had to make one of the hardest decisions as an Administrator. Save the life of an employee, a colleague – a friend, or prevent the death of thousands of lives. Sure, in retrospect, she had made the right decision. She made the right choice as an Administrator. She did her job, what was asked of her. Then why was it that she kept feeling so guilty? Eric Foreman had made it. House had saved him. She should feel good. They were all safe. Their health, and their jobs, her job was safe. She felt horrible. There was so much more that she could have done. Found a loophole, work around protocol, bend the rules – break the rules. Where she felt there was nothing else she could have done, she felt that she could have done so much more. She was duty-bound by the ties of legalities and responsibilities. Bound by the very profession that she lived for - and for which, in some ways, she had let other facets of her life die.
The past week had dredged up many suppressed memories and feelings. Seeing Foreman and his father together, first unable to deal with the situation and the fearful 'feelings', and then that gruff, yet warming reconciliation. She couldn't help but think 'I could have gone through this'. She smiled a sad smile at the vision of embracing her own child – a phantom child. She felt her eyes well up at the thought, the memory, and the vision of what could have been.
Frustrated, she set aside the files, blinking; she pushed herself out of her chair and out into the hospital, surrounding herself with the things that she had sacrificed so much for to get to where she was today. She walked the halls of the hospital, nodding to her colleagues, sending a distracted smile to the discharged patients. She didn't know where she was going – her thoughts directing her.
As a child she dreamt of being successful, having it all. A lab-coat, Head of Department, a nice car, friends, family – a family of her own and to top it off, a comfortable home with that white picket fence. It was at arms length, and she was going to make it happen. However, when she received the acceptance letter into Medical School, her priorities changed. She wanted to be the best. She wanted to be among the elite in the Medical society. She wanted her career to be recognized. She wanted something other than the label of 'Just another doctor with another specialty'. Focusing all her energy on studying, and perfecting her skills – she had begun to withdraw from the circle of society. Only few close friends stuck close by, and were occasionally able to drag her away from her books into the nightlife, where she would resume the title of 'Party pants'.
She thought that by working herself to the brink of exhaustion would pay off and she would be able to regain some of the sacrifices she had made once she'd graduated. What was usually a joyous and liberating day was one filled with bitterness and confinement. Her spirits were high – thinking that the day had come where she could piece her life back together – right every wrong. However, the percentage difference between second place and first place changed all that. She thought that she finished at the top – she had to have, after all the hours she spent in the labs, in the library, after all the hours she dedicated herself to her study – she had to have finished at the top of the class. She eagerly walked towards the Notice Board where the examination results of the top five graduates were posted, expecting to see her name at the top of the list.
Her father had always told her to 'expect the unexpected – it saves you the disappointment if you don't get what you want. And when you do, the surprise and joy of it will be so much more.' She was so sure of herself that she forgot this bit of advice – she'd mapped out her life, and had stuck to her choices, everything would turn out how she wanted. Exactly how pissed off she was when she saw her name second on the list was indescribable. The feeling of being let down, the feeling of resentment filled her being. She attended the ceremony with a forced smile, to those who knew her – the disappointment on her face was as clear as day.
This fuelled her ambition, her hunger for success. She was going to move ahead, work harder than she ever had before and be the one at the top of the food chain. She used her brains and wit to get where she was today – the second youngest, first female Chief of Medicine. Life be damned, dreams be damned.
The giggles of a little boy broke her out of her reverie. She turned from where she was waiting for the elevator to arrive, and watched as he wriggled in his father's arms, his mother tickling him from behind. Their faces held the expression of happiness, and love. Not a single flicker of loneliness or loss was evident. She prayed that they never had to experience that. There was a pang deep in her stomach. She breathed in a shuddering breath, as she watched other families milling about, waiting for news on their loved ones.
She longed for what she could have had - a family to go home to. A little body to tuck in at night, to wake up to a smiling face peering down at her, to roll over and send that tiny body over to the still sleeping form next to her – launching a playful attack. She wanted to experience the fights over curfews with her own child, to read the school report cards, to be a proud mother at their recitals, then at graduation. She watched another happy family leave the hospital, and couldn't help but think, 'I could have had that.'
She followed her thoughts to the fourth floor – the maternity wing. She stood in front of the glass window that acted as a barrier between the bustling world of hospital politics, and world events. Behind that wall rested several tiny bodies, sleeping peacefully in their own world where everything made sense. A world where they were free from the harrowing decisions that people faced every waking day. Her heart constricted, as she ached for what she had lost.
tbc
hope you enjoyed the first part, and that i didn't kill Cuddy's characterisation.
Please tell me what you think - and the rest will appear STAT!
Prinnie