Scully grabbed her keys, the decision firmly planted in her mind. She had finally gained control of the images flooding her conscious mind. There was one memory, one of very few, that she felt she could control. Most of the circumstances surrounding her rape were beyond her control. She chose to eliminate the opportunity for those images to take over her conscious mind. She wanted to feel strong and in control of her life again. She wanted to forget the person she had now become: the weak, vulnerable woman who was afraid of a man's touch. She no longer wanted to be herself.
Standing in the bathroom with her purchase from the drugstore, she set to work. Scissors held deftly in her hand, she held up the first chunk of hair. No one will ever drag me around by this again. The blades closed, severing the length near to her scalp. She continued determinably, pausing only once to find a mirror. After she finished with the hairs at the back of her head, she stopped to inspect her work.
The red hairs were little more than a couple of inches long and those were the longest pieces. There was a haphazard suggestion to the style that she had tried to control, but having no experience, failed. She had managed to keep it shorter at the sides and back than on the top, but other than that fact, there was no general trend to the style. 'It's kind of crazy, but I think I like it.'
Scully stared at her reflection a little longer before proceeding with her transformation. She pulled the bottle of dye out of the box. "Platinum Blonde" was the description of the shade on the box. She liberally dribbled the contents over her now-shortened hair.
After half an hour and a hot shower, Scully emerged from the bathroom. She removed the towel from her hair and looked at the stranger in the reflection from the bedroom mirror. She knew that were she ever faced with her attackers again, they wouldn't be able to identify her. She felt safer and smiled back at her reflection. Quickly, she tousled the locks with her fingers and laughed aloud. The messiness of the style meant that she didn't have to work hard to style it. Less than a minute and she was finished. 'I'll get to sleep in later now.'
She changed quickly into an old pair of scrubs and a v-neck t-shirt. She was headed for the kitchen when a knock came at the door. Looking out the peephole she found her partner, laden with bags, on the other side. 'That's right,' shethought,'I told him to come by with dinner.'
She opened the door to let him in, only to be faced with an odd expression from him.
"Aren't you going to come in?"
"Uh, yeah, sure." Recovering his composure, Mulder walked into Scully's apartment, heading for the kitchen.
"It's kind of early for dinner, isn't it?"
"Yeah, well, I thought I'd cook for you for a change." Mulder put the last of the bags on the kitchen counter. "Scully, what happened?" Mulder blurted the question out, unable to avoid it any longer.
"What do you mean, Mulder?"
"Your hair, Scully! What happened to your hair?"
"Oh, you noticed." Scully waved, nonchalantly. "I needed a little change."
"A little change," Mulder choked. "I'd say you got more than just a little change."
"Well...do you like it?"
Mulder looked at the woman that bore almost no resemblance to the woman he worked closely with for the last five years. Her casual attire was in stark contrast to the usual pantsuits she wore, her hair was almost as short as his, and it was blonde. He had fallen in love with the old Scully. He still loved the woman before him.
"It's different," he hesitated, while looking at the sides and back of her head. "If I ever get used to it, I think I'll like it."
"You don't like it!"
"Well, it's not that Scully. It's just that I didn't expect it. I mean, it's short. And it's blonde. And it doesn't look anything like you, or like you used to because it is still you. Give me a chance Scully. I'm trying to be honest here."
Exasperated, he turned back to the bags on the counter. The psychologist's part of Mulder's mind recognized that Scully's transformation was a direct result of her assault. The path Scully was following was a dangerous one often traveled by victims of violent crimes. She was creating a new persona, walking away from the old, weaker one. She was constructing a second personality to prevent having to deal with the horrors that had happened to the first one. He recognized that she needed to talk to someone, anyone soon, before she was too far down the path to head back.
Scully quietly stood next to Mulder, helping unload the groceries, impressed by the myriad of fresh vegetables he had collected. "Mulder, I didn't think you could name this many vegetables, let alone cook something with them all together." She hoped her teasing manner would lighten the mood. She didn't want to be serious. She didn't want to talk about serious things. She wanted to forget for tonight.
Mulder only grunted a response, his mind still turning over thoughts of Scully's recent actions.
"Sooo, what are we having for dinner?"
"Thai chicken stir fry," Mulder stated blankly. Regretting the tone of his voice, he cheerfully added: "And you thought all I was good for was coffee."
"Sounds good, but didn't we have Chinese last night?"
"Scully, this isn't the same thing. Besides, this is one of the few 'homemade' things I can cook."
"Can I help you cut up the vegetables or something?"
"No," he declined, adding: "You are supposed to be resting that shoulder of yours. Where's the sling anyway?"
Scully made a face and headed to the bedroom. "Give me a break. I just got out of the shower. I didn't get a chance to put it on."
While Mulder busied himself preparing the meal, Scully watched admiringly. She helped as much as she could, or as he would let her and the two conversed amicably. Scully set the table as Mulder put the finishing touches on dinner. As they seated themselves at the small table, Scully couldn't stop herself from smiling.
"What are you smiling at?" Mulder asked, suspiciously.
"Nothing, it's just, this seems so normal, so unlike what we would usually do, so unlike us. It's nice for a change."
"I guess it is a change, isn't it?"
After clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, Mulder headed to the door.
"You're leaving already? After cooking a dinner like that, I'll let you stay longer, I promise. It's the least I could do."
"I...I'm not sure if I should stay, if you wanted me to."
Scully had followed Mulder to the door and now she stepped closer to him. "I want you to stay Mulder." Her voice had lowered and her eyes spoke of desire. She stepped closer still. "Please."
They were practically breathing the same air now. Scully desperately wanted him to touch her, to reach out and hold her, kiss her as they had so long ago. She waited, breathing deeply, her eyes lowered, body anticipating his touch.
After a few moments, she reached her hands up to his face, tracing his lips lightly with her fingertips. Turning her face up to his, she pulled his head towards her gently. Closing her eyes, she parted her lips, anticipating their meeting with his.
Suddenly, she felt his head pull away from her hands and his body brushed past hers brutally.
"Jesus, Scully! What the hell are you doing?" Mulder's voice betrayed the anger and confusion felt by his heart.
"What do you mean 'what am I doing'? I was trying to kiss you since you wouldn't do it yourself."
"I won't do it because I can't play these games. I can't keep running hot and cold the way you want me to. One minute you're cowering away from my touch, the next you're seducing me. I can't do it. I don't know when to be your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever you want me to be at that instant in time." Mulder paused, taking a deep breath in an attempt to control the flow of words from his mouth.
His voice was hushed when he spoke again. "I love you Dana. I'll love you from afar if you want me to. I can do that. I've done it before. I can just be your partner, your friend. But, if you want, I can be your lover. I can be the man you come home to every day, fall asleep with every night and wake up with every morning. I'd do just about anything to be that man. But I won't kiss you, only to have you run away from me in terror and huddle on the bathroom floor. I love you more than life itself. But I won't hurt you like that. I can't be responsible for that kind of pain."
Mulder turned away from Scully, her mouth open in shock, and retrieved his jacket. Putting on his shoes, he opened the door.
"Wait." The word was hushed, but still it stopped his retreat. He closed the door before him and turned to face the woman who was increasingly becominga stranger to him.
"Do you think I like this, not being able to control my feelings? Do you think I like feeling strong one minute, only to be stripped of that vitality the next? To be reduced to a helpless, little girl. I hate it Mulder." Her voice raised in intensity until it cracked, yielding to the tears in her eyes. "I hate wanting to touch you and I hate fearing your touch. I hate pulling you close and pushing you away. But I can't help it. And that's what I hate the most. I try to control it, but sometimes I can't stop it. I can't stop my mind from going there. I try to tell myself that it's okay, I'm not in danger, but sometimes, I'm terrified and I can't help it."
"But me, Scully? Why are you afraid of me? Don't you know that I would never hurt you, that I could never hurt you?"
"I know Mulder, but...but..."
"But what Scully? That night, when you woke up after the surgery, you said you thought it was me. Why would you ever think it was me?"
"That night, he touched me..."
Mulder closed his eyes, dreading what was about to come.
"He came up from behind me. I didn't see him. I didn't hear him. Then suddenly I felt you. I felt you put your hand on my back, the way you always do. I was so happy to see you, Mulder. And just as I was about to turn to you, he pushed harder and it wasn't you anymore. Then it's him and the knife and them and..." She choked back the sobs, wrapping her arm around herself, visibly struggling to regain her composure.
"You thought it was me," Mulder whispered as he stepped closer to her.
"I didn't think it was you, well,only for that small moment. The small moment I had to escape, before he showed the knife. I wasted it, but I knew it wasn't you all along. I know you could never hurt me. I know it. I know it in my heart and I know it in my mind - most of the time. But when..."
"When I touch you, you think it's him."
"Not all the time Mulder. This morning, it was when you put your hand on my back."
"So you know why it happened, but you didn't tell me. Scully, you have to talk to me, or if you can't talk to me, then someone else. You can't just change your hair and it will go away."
Scully laughed slightly. "I know Mulder. I'm just trying to get some control back in my life. Those men, they dragged me around by my hair. They called me 'red'. They couldn't do either of those things now. I don't have to be afraid of that anymore."
"And me? How are you controlling me?"
"Well, I wasn't until now. Now, you have a rule. I don't know how long you'll have to follow it. We'll play it by ear. You just keep your hand from that spot on my back. That spot with a permanent imprint of your hand on it." She closed the distance between them and wrapped her arm around him, feeling his arms tighten around her in return.
"We still have a long way to go, don't we?" Mulder tilted her chin up to him as he spoke. She nodded her silent agreement. "Promise me you'll let me know what's going on in your head, okay? It'll make everything a lot easier."
She kissed him softly on the lips. "I promise."
Mulder cupped her face and kissed the tears drying on her cheeks.
"I love you Mulder."
He looked into her eyes, seeing the honesty there, and the trust. Instead of speaking the words, he kissed her passionately, deepening the kiss, leaving them both breathless when they parted.
He looked at the door. "It's been a long day." He looked hesitantly back at Scully. "Can I stay? I, uh, I'm just not ready to let you go yet."
She nodded her agreement, leading him to the bedroom.
'Today, well tonight, was a good night,' she thought to herself. 'Tonight the healing started. Tomorrow it will continue, but at least now, it looks like there might be an end.'
Finis. Reviews are warmly received and replied to. Scarlet