Cosmopolitan Bloodloss
The great Maximus Rahl was walking down a Tokyo street. Since she had captured Asia a month ago, she had a new mission. It was to meet the man behind the song. Mr. Roboto.
She took out her cell phone and text her comrades Link and Zelda to find their positions. Within seconds she had their locations and began to walk down an alley.
She made a sharp turn and found her comrades and the one she had been looking for.
"Well, well Mr. Roboto. I see you've met my friends." The great Maximus Rahl said slowly.
"I won't reveal my secrets! You can do what you want to me but I wont help you."
"But aren't you the modern man …who hides behind a man… with parts made here in Japan?" she questioned. " Look, I just need the… 411 on the streets. You see… a cracker of mine was kidnapped a while ago. His name's Tyson. You know anything 'bout what happened to him?"
Mr. Roboto hesitated and looked at Link and Zelda. Their faces showed disbelief and nothing else. He finally turned to Maximus and said, "He was taken by the YIP! bunnies."
"yes. I've encountered them… before. But why would they betray their master?" she replied.
"What are YIP! Bunnies?" Zelda asked.
"They are a race of bunnies that have been created for the sole purposes of attacking and annoying other creatures… While being freakishly cute."
"What does YIP! mean." Link asked.
"It's their battle call. They yell YIP! when they attack you… with a pen laser."
"a pen laser." Zelda said.
"that's right."
"who's their master?" Link inquired.
"Me. But they're not supposed to attack civilians… unless they have it coming… but they should have left Tyson alone. I told them he was mine to attack." Maximus told them. "Mr. Roboto, …your coming with us…," after a few seconds she said, "my god I feel so… sexy." then she took out a mirror and began to look at herself. She text once more and put away her mirror.
"He should be at their headquarters," Mr. Roboto said.
"yes, we shall leave at once." Maximus said.
"Let's get this over with. I've been freaked out in the last month more than any normal person should be." Link said.
They followed Maximus to what was the old emperors palace. They walked passed the guards and went to a private room which again need a password. This time Maximus said," The package has been stolen."
A girl with golden hair and blue eyes opened the door. She was taller than Zelda but not taller than Link. When she saw Maximus she was instantly pissed.
"Damn you! Your damn bunnies got out again! And if you put anymore of those fucking bunnies in my stuff, I'll strangle you!"
"I love you too, baby." Maximus smiled because she was being sarcastic. "and the only REASON why you have so many BUNNIES in your crap is because it's their birthing place. You see, they love you so much that they want you to see all of their little bunnies."
"It's been a long time since I've been in here." Mr. Roboto said.
The girl turned to Link and Zelda. "Hello, I'm Smoke."
They both said hello and shook hands with her.
"Is Smoke a nickname?" Zelda asked her.
"Yeah. Since we were little kids."
"Where are my manners? I, the GREAT Maximus Rahl, would like to introduce you to my BEST friend, Smoke."
"You have a friend? That's not one of us? And a best friend?" Zelda said.
"Yes… And she's not a hostage. She thinks I'm cool. How do you think I put up with Tyson's bitch ass for so long? When we were kids, we'd piss his gay ass off." Maximus told her.
"I'm sick and tired of those damn bunnies! They kidnapped some kid too. Let's get that bitch Tyson out so we can hang out." Smoke told them.
"I see you've been killing them." Maximus looked down to see 10 bunny heads. "well then! That's just 10,000 more bunnies… in your stuff,… I advised you to stop. Then your moms gonna get… suspicious… again."
"She's always … suspicious." Smoke said with a smile. Smoke threw Maximus into a wall. They both went through and were followed by Link, Zelda, and Mr. Roboto.
They were in a cave. The walls were covered with a slimy liquid and the ceiling was low. There were prisoners in a cell. One was a little boy another one was about 15 with blue hair. The rest were old guys. None of them looked like Tyson.
"This is Kagan's work." Mr. Roboto said.
"Who is Kagan?" Link asked.
"He's a vampire who's trying to take over the world." Maximus told him.
Link ran up to the cell and tried to break it down with his Master Sword but the bars were too thick. Zelda tried to use magic on it but it wouldn't work. The prisoners started to talk to them.
The older boy said," Kagan used the blood of vampires to make some sort of shield around the cell. He said the he was waiting for someone named Maximus," he looked at Link. "are you Maximus?"
Link shook his head and pointed to Maximus. He told the boy that she was who Kagan was looking for. The Great Maximus Rahl was looking at the boy who was talking to Link. She looked hypnotized by him. She came up to the cell.
" I think that your beautiful. Would you like to become my prince? We can skip all that getting to know you crap… I …THE GREAT Maximus Rahl, WANT YOU."
"Do I even know you?"
"You will…soon enough, baby!" Maximus told him. "Well I guess I'll get these bars off of you. The EMPRESS of the universe… will not be spending her… nights in a cave…with her prince." Maximus turned in a yokai. She had the shape of a human but her hair was spiked and dark. Her eyes were black and her muscles were tensed. Yokai were demons that looked like humans. They terrorized the people of Japan in the 1500s but were now nearly extinct.
Maximus swung a fist at the bars. They broke with a crashing thud. YIP! Bunnies flooded the room. Almost everyone was blinded by the pen lasers they carried. Maximus, however, was immune to them and easily disabled them.
"Now,… that I… have freed you my prince… we'll kill Kagan and get hitched." Maximus said.
"Thank you for getting me out but, I'm not interested in marriage. By the way my name is Phillip. I was put in here because Kagan thought I was someone else."
The other prisoners stepped out. An old guy said," you have to kill Kagan. He's in South America because everybody knows that vampires can't go in the sun. he's trying to trick you."
Maximus said, "Tyson's probably with him…I've got a surprise for him … also,"
Smoke looked at her and said, " I know that look. What are you gonna do?"
"We're goin' to the United States."
They were escorted out of the dungeon and to the airport. When they got to the united states, Maximus went to the white house. She jumped the fence and ran passed the machine guns. Secret service was cut down by her sword. A S.W.A.T. team was sent but they posed no threat to her. When she got to the oval office, she found the president under the table with a Gameboy.
She kicked him in the balls and said, " Silly president, the world is for Maximus."
At about this time, the army was pissed so they started to shoot at the white house. Everyone Maximus was with ran into the room. Maximus was tired of hearing the tanks shoot at the building so she went outside and chirped them to death.
She sent a text. It said :
I'm takn ovr da world so I'm jakn da wyte hows 2 git da u s
den il kil Kagan and latr im gona kil al dem penguins
Maximus wasn't seen again until the next day, but she was on the news. It went like this:
Today the world got a new ruler. She goes by the name The Great Maximus Rahl. She claims to be from a place called D'Hara. So far she has told us that she's fourteen and is a vampire. As you may have known, she has taken over Europe, Asia and Africa. This afternoon she added south America, Australia, north America, and Antarctica to her list of credentials.
Maximus appeared on the screen along with some YIP! Bunnies, and Tyson. She was holding a head and talking like a hillbilly. She said:
"Oh yeah that's right… this is how I …the Great Maximus Rahl took over the world. First I found the infamous Mr. Roboto,… who gave me the …411 on the streets. Then I found Kagan's hideout and I went to the U.S. . I jacked the White House from that cracker Bush and got North America. Then I gathered my Yip! Bunny troops and killed all of his vampires with my …pen lasers of death… I cut off Kagans head and took over South America. And found this cracker."
When everybody saw this they were astonished and scared. They didn't know if she staged the whole thing or she was telling the truth. The interview continued with the newscaster asking her about capturing Australia. Maximus told her:
"I hate Australia! Those fucking kangaroos kept fighting me! Every time I turned around I had to box one of 'em. And the gay ass army tried to go against me! Freakin' Australians think they can fight me…. They too, fell at the tips of my pen lasers."
There were videos of Australian troops being annoyed to death by the Yip! Bunnies. Some were annoyed so much that they begged Maximus to kill them. Link, Zelda, and Phillip now believed the Maximus had taken over the world. Smoke had never doubted that she did.
The newscaster was still asking Maximus questions even though she seemed to be freaked out as well. She asked Maximus about Antarctica. Maximus replied:
"In Antarctica I decided to finish off an old ally of my Yip! Bunnies enemy. The penguins sided with the toucans and duckies in the great war. The Yip! Bunnies were alone and outnumbered but we still won… and are now the most annoying."
They turned the TV off and Maximus and Tyson stepped in. she had changed clothes and was wearing a t-shirt and tripp pants. Two national guards escorted them in.
" Hello, children. How have you been since I was gone? Have you seen the news?" Maximus asked them.
Link and Zelda were nearly speechless. They had been with her in all of her adventures and listened to her rants about ruling the universe and now she was on step closer to her goal.
"I'm proud of you. I guess." Zelda said.
"dido." Link said.
"Are you some kind of demon?" Phillip asked.
"Kinda… but I The Great Maximus Rahl… prefer the name… Yokai." she said.
"Maximus you know that with the world comes great responsibility, correct?" Mr. Roboto was talking. "these people will need to be cared for and protected and being an empress is not an easy job."
"Yeah, I know. I got all that covered. I ended world hunger and brought peace to the … middle east." Maximus answered.
Smoked asked, "how did you do that?"
"It took Twinkies! Twinkies along with peanut butter and jelly and plenty of time." Maximus told her.
Maximus and Mr. Roboto went to one side of the oval office and began to catch up on current events. Tyson and Philip talked to each other. Link and Zelda asked Smoke about Maximus.
"How long have you known her?" Zelda asked
"Like a long time. Since we were like two or three years old." Smoke told her.
"Has she always been this weird?" Link asked.
Smoke replied, "She's weird? I've always considered her to be kind of funny."
It was getting late so everyone decided to go to sleep. Before they left for their rooms, Maximus said, " Tomorrow, we start taking over planets but…" she hesitated.
"But what?" Smoke asked.
"But… I'VE LOST MY MOJO!" Maximus yelled.
"That's it!" Zelda said.
"Fuck staying here," Link said "were leaving."
Everybody bounced after that especially Phillip, because Maximus was looking at him inappropriately. When they were gone Maximus sighed and pulled out a sheet of paper. She scratched off a few things and said, "Mars or Venus? … Mars. … yes… yes.
You have now entered the techno realm. All of your thoughts belong to me. Komputer Kontroller iz on the beat. Robot Rockerz can you feel the heat?