Living on Borrowed Time

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Author's note: Okay, I'm sure to some of you you're all wondering what Roy gave up. Unfortunately I can't tell you that yet, you'll have to wait 'til the end, but if you squint excruciatingly hard and pay attention to upcoming clues you might figure it out before I tell you. I'm sure some of you that have seen a good bit of the series probably have some questions involving homunculi and transmutation, questions that will be addressed when I reveal what Roy's equivalent exchange was. In exchange for making you wait, you'll finally get to find out what Riza whispered to Roy in chapter 1! (I make a reference or two to the first paragraph in chapter 7 if anyone is interested in re-reading that paragraph)

Chapter 19 – Things I Never Should Have Said

Roy leaned against the closed door and slowly slid down to sit on the floor. Swallowing her fear of a situation that was going to be more than a little uncomfortable, Riza cracked open the closet door. Her commanding officer wore a defeat expression as he stared blankly in her direction. As his eyes began to really focus in on her face, his whole attitude changed, as if what had really been said had finally sunk in.

Fury rushed across his handsome features as he stood to look her square in the face. "So he was the reason you shouldn't have said that to me on the front steps!"

"No, its not—" she started to protest, knowing he was getting it all wrong.

"He was the reason you shouldn't have ever told me you loved me." He said the sentence quietly, his voice nearly shaking from the anger. Roy couldn't help but relieve those last few moments on the steps:

-

"You can't leave me…" he said, pleading with her, rocking her frail body in his arms.

"I'll never leave you…" she said, a fit of coughing followed leaving her weak. With what strength was left in her body she gripped the front of his uniform, pulling his face closer. Through the falling sheets of rain, she smiled at him quietly, "I could never tell you before, but I always loved you, Roy." Roy stopped breathing as he watched his lieutenant's grip slowly relax on his jacket and go limp.

-

The very idea that she loved him had been ludicrous at the time. For almost ten years he'd always seen her as loyal, not in love. He'd never even had a chance to put the idea of loving her into a thought…until she said the same phrase he so often dreaded from the other women in his life: "I love you, Roy." When he'd finally seen her soul that night…when she had been hovering over him this past week, he'd almost gotten used to the idea, he almost started to believe it was true. And how did he feel? To bare the truth to himself, he really didn't know. How can you know if you love someone or not, if you've never really been in love? Well that didn't matter now, she'd lied.

"It's not like that. It's complicated." She said, attempting to explain.

"What's so complicated about being engaged!" he shouted at her. A sudden realization hit him; the letter that Havoc had found, it suddenly made sense. His eyes widen with the realization. "You were resigning because of Reigns!"

"Damn it! Would you shut up for one second and let me explain!" Riza shouted to him. "Please Roy!"

His name from her betraying lips seemed to hit him harder than he realized. Through his clenched teeth he replied, "You will address me by either my surname, or my rank, Lieutenant." He knew that the comment would hurt her, but somehow he just wanted to say something that would hurt her as much as she hurt him.

"I'm not your Lieutenant anymore." She replied, drawing herself up to her full height and refusing to back down. "I died, in case you forgot. I died protecting you, the least you could do is sit down and listen to me!"

The comment didn't just make Roy sit down, it practically shoved him into a chair. He was so stunned by the statement, all he could think to do was sit down. He sat back in his chair in the kitchen; the tea in front of him had already lost its heat. Much calmer now, Hawkeye also took her chair, "Thank you." She studied his face for a moment. He seemed much older than she remembered. Small crow's feet had formed around the corners of his eyes and he looked tired. Slightly hesitant, a little afraid that he wasn't through, she started her story, "I met Eli about three years ago, just a couple of months after we were assigned to Eastern Headquarters. You were out on a lunch date and I was sitting alone…"

-Flash back-

Riza inhaled her lemon tea and frowned a bit. It wasn't that she minded eating alone, it was just it was more enjoyable to eat with someone…well it was more enjoyable to eat with Mustang. An officer stood at the other side of the table and cleared his throat nervously. Riza looked up, "Can I help you?" she asked sincerely. The man glanced around nervously, "Would you mind terribly if I sat here? I promise I won't bother you—I—it's just that there isn't anywhere else to sit." Riza surveyed the room, and the man was correct, she was occupying the only mostly empty table. "Of course" she replied with a smile, "I'd welcome the company."

The man sat down and began eating his food as if it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen in his life. Hawkeye could see that he was a little nervous to be eating with someone he didn't know, so she did her best to break the ice. "I'm Lieutenant Hawkeye. What's your name?" It was just an ice breaker, she could easily see his name on his badge, but she was trying her best to be polite.

"I'm Eli—Eli Reigns." He said, gulping his food painfully. She gave him a reassuring smile.

"You're new aren't you?" she asked, he nodded in answer. "It's not a bad place. It's not the most peaceful place to be stationed with the resistance in Lior coming to a head, but it's not bad."

He smiled widely at her, "How long have you been stationed here?"

She shrugged, "A couple of months, but you'll get used to it quickly."

"If everyone is as nice as you I'm sure I will." He replied. Hawkeye blushed a little, she was sure it was her imagination, but it felt a little like he was coming onto her. It wasn't terribly obvious, but she couldn't help but feel as if there was something between them.

"So what department are you working with?" she asked to keep the conversation going.

"I work with external investigations…mostly police sort of business. Murders and the like." He answered. He seemed to become more open and relaxed as they talked. They talked for over a half hour, and after a bit Hawkeye's hair began to annoy her. A long strain dripped in front of her face and she batted it away with the back of her hand. Eli noticed the gesture, he seemed to notice everything about her. Those steel blue eyes didn't miss a detail.

"You have beautiful hair. You should grow it out." He stated.

She smiled and averted her eyes. Beautiful wasn't a word that she heard directed at her often. "I actually have started to grow it out. It was much shorter than this." She said, making a gesture near her scalp as to how short it used to be. It was now just below her ears, but she hadn't quite gotten it long enough to pull back and it was getting in her way more and more. "I'd like to grow it out a little past my shoulders so then I can pull it back. The way it falls in my face is rather irritating. I'm always flipping it out of my way when I'm at the shooting range."

"You shoot?" he asked interested.

"I was trained as a sniper. It's actually one of the reasons I entered the military."

"That's interesting." He replied. "Most women are rather gun shy."

"In my family it wasn't much of an option. My father made and sold guns to the military." The conversation continued on much like that. They discussed her family and why both had entered the military. Before they knew it they'd talked for almost an hour. Hawkeye had to run to make it back to her desk by the end of her lunch hour. It was only the first of many lunches with Eli.

Hawkeye remembered seeing Eli on her way back to her apartment the next day. "Hello, Reigns." She said with a polite smile. "I didn't see you in the cafeteria today."

He smiled back at her, but after she mentioned lunch his expression dropped, "Well, I didn't want to interrupt your date with your boyfriend…"

Hawkeye eyes widened, "Boyfriend? Mustang?"

"The man you ate with today, tall, dark and handsome? He's not your boyfriend?" Reigns asked, hopefulness slipping slightly into his voice.

"Mustang, my boyfriend?" She repeated still trying to wrap her mind around such an idea. "Mustang definitely doesn't qualify as boyfriend material."

"That's interesting…you seemed very interested talking to him at lunch…"

"I can assure you that we're not dating. He's my superior officer—and I'm certainly not his type. To be dating Roy Mustang I'd have to be wearing a mini skirt and have the vocabulary of a seven year old." She explained.

"So…if he's not your boyfriend what does your real boyfriend feel about you eating lunch with your commanding officer?" Reigns asked, his point coming across obviously.

"Reigns, if you want to know if I'm seeing anyone, just ask. Beating around the bush is a really annoying habit." She told him squarely.

He smiled widely, "Are you seeing anyone?"

"No, I'm not." She replied, thankful he finally stopped playing around. She hated it when people wouldn't get straight to the point. It was such a waste of time.

His smile grew, "So…since you're not seeing anyone, I'm assuming your Friday night is probably free?"

She let out a small sigh, "I thought we already discussed how I didn't like it when people beat around the bush."

He blushed slightly, "Sorry. What I guess I'm trying to say—to ask you, is if you'd like to go to that new picture show on Main Street. The one with Elle Renald in it. I think it was called something like—"

"—Gone Before You Got Here." She finished.

"Yeah! That one." He said, his smile growing wider by the moment. At least she was interested.

Hawkeye considered it for a moment. Reigns was a good guy, he was interesting, good looking and he seemed like he had a genuine interest in her. What was the harm of going to go see one little movie with him? Besides, she'd been wanting to see that movie for three weeks, if she went, she got to see the movie, he got to go on a date with her; everyone wins. Why not? "I'd love to, Reigns." She replied.

"Call me Eli."

They went to the movie that Friday and had an enjoyable time. A few times the next week he ate lunch with her, but only on the days that Mustang had an "appointment." Hawkeye had once asked him why he never sat with her and Mustang and his only response was that Mustang was a rather intimidating sort of man and he didn't want to eat his lunch feeling tense. The subject seemed to be raw with him, so she never pushed it much farther than that. It eventually became almost a tradition with them, when Mustang was elsewhere, Eli would eat with her. He was a good friend and a good person and the more time she spent with him the more she realized that he was attracted to her. She wanted more than anything to feel the same way.

One night five or six months after their first meeting Eli walked her home. They'd had a nice dinner at the L'Amour, a local bistro, and afterward had sat in the park and talked. Anytime they spent together, outside of lunch, was done in secret. It wasn't necessarily that they were hiding, in truth they had nothing to hide. They weren't dating, not really anyway. They were just two friends having fun. But both of them had their own reasons for not wanting to be seen with the other. Eli was terrified that someone would get the wrong idea about them and they'd be court martial for fraternizing within the military. Hawkeye often told him that she felt the same way, but in truth she didn't really want her co-workers to know. It wasn't that she was ashamed of Eli, he was her friend and she cared about him…it just was that she didn't want them to draw the wrong conclusions…what was she thinking? She didn't want Mustang to draw the wrong conclusions. Despite his obvious advances toward other woman and his complete ignorance of her feelings (or even the fact she was female) she still had feelings for him, and she didn't want him to think that she was involved when she wasn't.

Standing up on her front step telling Eli that she was thankful for dinner and the nice evening, she was suddenly stopped in mid-sentence by his lips on hers. Her heart raced within her chest and she gave into his advances. She'd been alone for so long…she couldn't help herself. She kissed him back. He pulled her body closer, until they were pressed together. Gently he broke the kiss and she almost couldn't bear it. She wanted more. It had been so long since anyone had treated her like a woman, so long since anyone noticed her, she wanted him.

"You're beautiful." He breathed in her ear. "Never let anyone tell you anything different." With that he left. She stood motionless on her front steps, not quite able to figure out what had happened. It wasn't until the next morning that she was really beating herself up. 'How could I do that?' she thought to herself. 'I shouldn't have kissed him back. I'm leading him on…'

The other half of her mind finally chimed in, 'No you're not! You like him, he's nice, interesting and he's the sexiest thing on two legs that's looked at you since the war in Ishbal.'

Her rationale popped back into the picture, 'I don't like him…not like that. I can't allow myself to indulge in this, not just so I won't be lonely anymore.'

'There's nothing wrong with it.' The other half rationalized, 'He likes you, you want him around…it's a perfectly symbiotic set up. Everyone wins.' As much as she should have rejected the thoughts, she couldn't.

-

The months eventually turned to years. While neither had openly mentioned how they felt (or didn't feel as was the case for Riza) they had an almost subconscious understanding. They were, for lack of better terms dating, though Riza often tried to convince herself that they were just friends. Eventually, there came a time when she finally couldn't deny the truth anymore.

Two weeks before she received Eli's letter about the whereabouts of the Red, he took her out to dinner. Once again, she found herself sharing a nice dinner at L'amour, like so many evenings before. Once again, at the end of the night they stood on her door step and just as she was about to thank him for another wonderful time, she was interrupted.

"Riza, I have to ask you something." Eli said, sweat beads appearing on his forehead.

'This is it!' Riza couldn't help but think, 'He's finally going to ask me how I feel about him! What am I going to say?' Hawkeye gulped nervously, "Yes?"

In one fluid motion Eli fell to one knee, pulled a satin box from his pocket, opened it and blurted out, "Will you marry me?"

Hawkeye almost screamed in surprise…lucky for her, it got caught in her throat. 'What do I say! I can't tell him yes…can I? No, no I can't…I think.' Hawkeye opened her mouth to respond, but the words kept getting caught in her throat. "Can-can I think about it?" was all that finally came out. She could easily see the disappointment in Eli's face. It was definitely not the answer he was hoping for, but it wasn't the worst answer she could give him either…

Eli nodded, getting up and gently handing her the box, "Sure, you think about it. It's a big decision to just decide in a moment. I'll see you soon." Gently he kissed her forehead and disappeared into the darkness. Leaving her alone with her thoughts and an unwanted engagement ring. Hawkeye slumped onto her couch, 'What am I going to do?'

A few days later, she finally came to a decision. Eli had agreed to meet her just after work in Ziemlich Park. Just after 5, she found him sitting on their favorite bench. "Eli?" she said, hoping to get his attention. His expression was one mixed with hope, and fear. It was apparent why she'd asked him here, all that was left was to give him an answer. She smiled slightly, "I thought about it, and my answer is yes."

Eli jumped up from the bench and took her into a tight embrace. Pulling back he smiled at her. "Really? You mean it?" he asked, joy pouring from his every pore.

She held up her left hand, displaying his ring on her finger, "Yes." Overcome by happiness he gently leaned in and pulled her into a deep, passionate kiss that Riza had only until then read about. The kiss took her breath away, and when he broke away her head was still whirling. "So," he started, "have you told Mustang that you'll be resigning soon?"

His words cut through the haziness like a knife. "Told Mustang I'll be what?" she said, fearing that she'd heard correctly.

"Have you told Mustang that you're going to resign?" Eli asked, slowly realizing that they were about to hit their first speed bump as a couple.

"Why do you think I'm going to resign?" she asked appalled at the idea.

"One of us will have to resign. The rule on no fraternization is very strict, you know that. Besides, I thought that you'd like to stay at home for a while…you know, take care of the children."

Riza was almost speechless, she knew that the rule would apply, but the thought of leaving her career, leaving Mustang was devastating. "Eli, I-I'm not sure about this. Getting married is one thing, but you're asking me to quit my career."

"What are you saying? That you don't want to marry me?" Eli asked, fearing the worst.

"I'm saying that I'm going to need a little more time to think about this."

Sorry the flashback seems so long :P I can't help it. I'm trying to cram 3 years and a life changing decision into one chapter. It was getting waaaayyy too long and I was losing the drive of the chapter which is why its ended here. The next chapter will continue with the flashback and hopefully jump back to the present where Roy and Riza will have a very uncomfortable discussion...maybe. :P Sorry if there's inconsistancys or something, this chapter was hell to write.