Living on Borrowed Time

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Chapter 20 – All I Ever Wanted

Riza sat in her apartment her decision sitting heavily on her chest. Eli was perfect. He loved her, he cared about her, he wanted her. In her mind she could see a nice life with him. The typical perfection: white picket fence, children playing in the yard…its just too bad that the perfection was always interrupted by distant bombings and the slow echo of dying rebel screams. She couldn't help but wonder how the military would fair without her. It wasn't that she thought she was exceptionally important…it was that Mustang was exceptionally important. Who would be there the next time he needed bailing out? Who would be there the next time to hit the back of his head and tell him that he was being stupid? Havoc? What a joke! Havoc was a good man, but he abided by the rules. The very idea that he'd stand up to Mustang was laughable.

Even with the idea of leaving the military staring her in the face, she couldn't help but daydream back to that perfect little life…she might not be in love with Eli…but with him she could have everything she ever wanted. If she stayed with Mustang all she would have at the end of her life was a job well done that no one ever noticed or ever cared about. Riza couldn't help but wonder if a job well done would be enough for her twenty years down the line. Taking a deep breath she found a pen and paper and began to write…

Three hours of labor over a letter that was barely eight lines long. She sighed and read over her resignation again. The letter made things perfectly clear to her…now all she had to do was tell Eli.

-

"Eli?" she started, trying to resist the urge to throw up. "I've finally decided." They were sitting in the park again and the breeze picked up making the hairs on her arms stand up.

"And…?" he asked nervously. He had more than due cause.

"I've decided to stay with the military." She replied. His face fell immediately. "You're a wonderful man, but I can't abandon them."

"Don't you mean you can't abandon him?" he asked. Eli didn't need to say Mustang's name, they both knew who he was referring to.

"Yes, I suppose he's one of the main reasons."

"How can you choose him over me?" Eli asked. It wasn't rage…he could never be mad at her. It was more of a pitiful plead.

"I'm sorry Eli, in my life, he'll always come first."

"He's your employer." Eli retorted.

"He's my friend." She replied. That seemed that. Eli nodded slowly, taking it all in. Finally, he turned to her a forced smile on his face.

"Well, you've made your decision and I support you."

His statement surprised her. She'd completely rejected him for a man that didn't notice her and he'd simply said that it was okay. His voice had been tight and she knew this was hard for him. "Thank you for understanding, Eli." She replied, looking down at her hands. She remembered that she was still wearing his ring, "You can have your ring back if you want." She said, starting to take it off.

He put his hand over hers to stop her. "You keep it. It'll be a little reminder of what could have been…and what could still be, if you ever reconsider. I would do anything for you Riza."

"You'll always have a special place in my heart Eli, but I have to continue on this path. It's what I've chosen and I won't turn back…"

"I'll never stop loving you Riza." He replied, kissing her forehead.

"I know." She said with a sad smile. "I know."

Things continued as if the proposal never happened. They were still close, often enjoyed each other's company, but he never again tried to get her to reconsider…well not openly anyway. She could see it in his eyes every time he looked at her, and every time she wished she could have told him yes. After all, it was everything she ever wanted…just not with him.

After about a week Eli mentioned the Red scout tailing Mustang and just a few days later she found herself lying in Mustang's arms dying. It's strange how just a few days can change your whole life.

-

Roy sat speechless throughout her narrative. She gave up the chance to marry Eli, so she could do her job. So she could be with him. But there was something he still didn't understand. If she wasn't going to marry Eli…then why shouldn't she have told him she loved him?

"Hawkeye, I still don't understand why you shouldn't have-"

"Told you I loved you?" she said, forcing the words out. He nodded. "Roy, I care about you more than I can say—" she started, this was a lot harder to voice than she realized, "I would never want to jeopardize our relationship for the world, you mean too much to me. Plain and simple, there wasn't a good reason to tell you. The best case scenario was that you felt the same way, but even if that were true we could never be together. We have jobs to do, and that's what comes first. The worst case scenario is that you didn't feel that way al all and afterward you felt awkward around me. I would never want to subject to you that, not if it wasn't necessary. So, I decided long ago to keep things completely business with you. I thought it was best for the both of us. It's just…when I was dying, I thought that I could finally tell you how I felt without the worry of consequences…silly me."

"You couldn't have known that this was going to happen."

"I'm sorry for the damage I've done to our relationship." She said, staring at her hands lying in her lap.

"What damage?" he asked with that handsome smirk of his. "All in all I'd say that it was nice to clear the air around us. For some time I've felt that there was something—there was a wall between us. I don't know when I felt like it started to build, but it wasn't until you died, until you were really honest with me that I felt that it was gone." She looked up at him, gratitude for the understanding radiating from her eyes. "Do you regret telling me?" he asked tentatively.

"No. Actually, it's the opposite. I feel almost relieved. I had all those feelings bottled up and shoved so deep down inside of me I felt I was going to burst one day…it was a relief to finally let them out." She replied. A silence fell between them. They both knew what she wanted to ask. 'Did he feel the same way?' She dared not ask, the day had barely begun, and it'd been stressful for the both of them. He sighed heavily and his eyelids drooped. He suddenly seemed so tired…so old. "Are you okay?" she asked.

He shook his head slightly, "I think I need to lie down. The transmutation and lack of sleep are starting to get to me I think."

Quietly she helped him get up from the table and escorted him to his room. She helped him lie down and she gently tucked him in. He blinked a silent thank you to her and fell into a deep sleep. Riza watched him sleep, he was so beautiful, and she couldn't love him more. He did the unthinkable for her a small part of herself unwillingly willed him to feel the same for her and as much as she hated herself for it, she wondered if he did. Hawkeye knew that simply wondering was setting herself up for heartache, no matter his answer, but her heart just couldn't help itself. It seemed that she'd opened a door to it when she revealed how she felt and now it just refused to close again.

Soon we get to watch them go after the Red yay! Oh come on, you didn't think Roy would just let someone kill his Lt. w/o getting revenge now did you ;)