Living on Borrowed Time
I own nothing
Author's Notes: And on I drag.
Chapter 30- Epilogue Pt.2
"Thanks for coming to see me Colonel. You were my prime choice and I wanted to grab you before any of the other Generals got the same idea." General Grumman said as he shook Roy's hand and they took their seats. Roy was feeling still a little drowsy. It was 8:00 and he hadn't slept that well. Edward wouldn't leave him alone.
"No problem sir, but what exactly did you want to talk to me about? I understand it has something to do with Parliament, but Riza didn't really tell me anything else."
"Well," the general began, "There are 4 positions left in Parliament that haven't been filled by the already instated Generals. These last four positions will be overseers of specific regions of the country. We've decided that each General will sponsor one candidate. Then each candidate will go up for a vote by the people of the region that the candidate is supposed to oversee. This way, the people will be putting their choice into power."
"And you want to sponsor me?" Roy asked, catching on.
"Exactly my boy! You'll do wonderful. You're a natural born leader." Grumman said smiling wide.
"What'll happen to me if I decide to decline? Will I be disbanded from the military?" Roy asked carefully.
Confusion glanced over Grumman's face. "Of course not. Not unless you're planning on leaving of your own accord. You're still the Flame Alchemist, and while you'd have to fill out some paperwork on what your rank would officially be, you'd probably end up being a Colonel once more."
Roy thought about this for a moment. He hadn't thought about his Flame Alchemist rank since that night at the Fuhrer's house…just the thought of using alchemy again gave him goosebumps.
"Take the job Flame Alchemist. You'll be head of the country just like you always wanted." Ed urged from his place standing behind the General. "Go on and take the job—this is the end you wanted. This was why you murdered all those people." Roy's throat tightened. "What? Can't speak? Don't you feel worthy of your new title? You'd be a General, you'd govern over an entire region. This is what you wanted, what you scraped and killed your way through the ranks for." Ed laughed at the Colonel. "You're weak. You got this far and you can't even say 'yes' to a simple proposal."
Roy sighed heavily and tried to refocus his attention to the General. "Would it be all right if I thought about this?"
"What's there to think about?" the General asked
"It's just a lot to take in a short amount of time. I just want to weigh all my options before I make a definite decision." Roy explained.
"I suppose that's fine, but I'd like an answer by day after tomorrow." The General said standing up and shaking Roy's hand once more.
"Thank you sir. I'll consider it." Roy replied turning to leave.
"Oh and Roy, give my granddaughter a kiss for me."
--
Roy tossed and turned in his bed that night. Images of Edward's face racing through his mind. "You used us!" he screamed at Roy. "You're a murderer!" Every little word Roy had ever said to him resounded in Roy's brain; all the teasing and abuse.
It was almost 1 AM and Riza was awake. Listening to Roy dream from her spot on the couch. She could easily hear his cries coming from his room. "Please! I'm not—I didn't want it this way—I'm not a murderer"
With every word he mumbled her heart broke a little more. She hated to know that his guilt weighed so heavily on him. Resolutely she got up and marched into his room. Grasping him gently by the shoulders she said, "Wake up Roy." He was still trying to fight his way out of his nightmare so she shook him a little harder, "It's just a dream. Wake up."
Roy sat straight up, a cold sweat running down his face. "Are you okay?" Riza asked sitting down on the edge of his bed. Roy didn't say anything, but simply continued to pant in terror. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked when he began to calm down and his breathing returned to normal.
"Not really." He replied. He didn't want to bother her with his guilt. He'd done these things and he'd have to come to terms with them on his own.
"D-do you want me to stay with you for a bit?" she asked, her heart daring him to say yes.
"Would you?" He asked. She smiled slightly at him and nodded. He laid back on the bed and she lightly brushed his bangs away from his face. The gesture reminded him of the day she'd died on the front steps. That had been his fault too…
Riza sat up with him for a few more hours. Roy wasn't sleepy in the least…especially considering his yellow-haired guilt trip was pacing the room reminding him of how much he didn't deserve her love. After a while Riza could feel herself nodding off. Every few minutes she could feel her head start to fall forward and she'd wake up again. Roy noticed easily. "Come on, lay down." He said pulling the covers back just a bit.
"No, I shouldn't" she said, shaking her head a little to wake herself up.
"Why? Because it would be improper? If you haven't noticed, you've been living here for the past month…I'm pretty sure we're way past 'improper'."
She smiled at him sleepily. He was right…and the bed looked so soft, and she was so tired. While she was thinking Roy assumed she was still hesitant, "Just lay down, its not like you haven't slept beside me before." He reminded her.
She blushed a little remembering that day she woke up in his arms and all those times that her soul had hovered next to him. "All right." She said, "Just for tonight."
He smiled and scooted over. She timidly got into bed beside him and stayed close to the edge. Roy shook his head. "Get over here." He said encircling her waist with his muscular arms. He gave her chills. It was just like six months ago. His arms were so warm and the wonderful smoky scent overtook her. She turned to face him and gently slipped her arms around his neck. Her fingers intertwined in his hair and he sighed softly at the feel of them on his scalp. All the guilt, the pain, the stress and pressure were suddenly gone. All he could feel was her. All he could see was her, and life was finally perfect. He breathed her in…she smelled gently of lilies. Soon the two fell asleep, for the first time in their lives they were perfectly happy.
--
"You said you owed me one." Edward said glaring at Mustang from across the room. Mustang had awoken once more. Edward was even more terrifying in his nightmares…at least while he was awake he could try to ignore his guilt. He sat up in bed to stare at the image across the room.
"I did owe you one. I would have never been able to bring her back without your help." Mustang replied
"And how did you repay me? I gave you the one thing you wanted more than anything else. I gave you the means to revive Hawkeye…and you got me killed." Edward raged. "You knew that I wouldn't come out alive. You really expected me to take on the homunculi and survive!"
"No…I guess I was just so focused on avenging Maes that I didn't think—"
"That's right, you didn't think. You never think of anyone but yourself. You're a selfish bastard with a God complex and you'll never be good enough for her."
'You can't blame yourself' is what she'd said. But no matter how badly Roy wanted to believe that, he knew it wasn't true. It was his fault that the Ed had gotten into this entire mess. Roy had gone to their house, he knew those boys were vulnerable after what'd happened, he knew that if he tossed them a bone…a hope as to how to get their bodies back that they'd make a running start. Ed was a powerful addition to his team, even if he was only there for his own ends. It was his fault that Ed was gone…it was his fault that Al didn't have any memories and that he was all alone. He didn't deserve happiness after all the pain he'd caused.
Roy took his eyes from the apparition's figure and looked at Riza's sleeping form beside him. The gentle rise and fall of her chest made his heart ache with longing. He didn't deserve her, he knew that. He couldn't stay though, Ed's memory was too strong here and no matter how he tried to pretend he couldn't ignore it. Not when she was there as a constant reminder of how he would never be able to erase his sins.
He leaned close to her face, feeling her warm breath on his cheek. Quietly, so not to wake her, he whispered in her ear, "I have to go. There's something I have to work through…I wish I could take you with me, but this is something I have to do on my own." His heart skipped a beat and his throat tightened at the thought of leaving her. "I'll always love you." He whispered so quietly it was almost silent.
In the silence of the night he quickly got dressed, grabbed a change of clothes and left his house.
--
"I'm here to see General Grumman" Roy told the General's butler, Casper.
"Sir, it's 3 in the morning—" Casper started.
"It can't wait." Roy urged. "I have to see him now. It's military business."
Casper opened his mouth to protest, but was interrupted by a hand on his shoulder. "It's all right Casper. Apparently this is important." The General said.
"What's so important?" The General asked, "You didn't resurrect another person did you?"
Roy ignored the comment and jumped right into his plea, "Transfer me out of Central."
"Well if you decide to work in Parliament then you'll have to stay in Central, I can't really control—"
"Then I'll decline my seat in the Parliament, but I can't stay in Central anymore." Roy said rushed. All he wanted to do was be on the next train away from here. He didn't care where it was going as long as it was away. He'd made his decision and part of him was terrified that if he looked back, for even an instant he wouldn't be able to go through with it.
"Well I suppose we could put you somewhere else. Eastern headquarters would be the most obvious choice, after you left they lost the only state alchemist they had." The General explained, "But why do you want to leave?"
Roy ignored his question, "I don't think the East is the best idea."
"Why?" the General asked, genuinely puzzled.
Roy gave a quick glance to his visible guilt trip and said, "Because I don't think I deserve to be a state alchemist anymore."
"What are you talking about?" The general asked, "You're acting really strange."
"I just don't think I can do alchemy anymore. It's just—I can't." Roy tried to explain.
The General sensed how upsetting the thought of doing alchemy seemed to Roy and didn't push the issue of why. "The problem with renouncing your state alchemist title is that your rank goes with it. You'd be demoted back down to a corporal. You'd be doing simple police officer work."
Roy thought for a moment. He'd worked so hard to get where he was…could he really give all that up and start over? One look at his guilt driven Edward glaring at him from across the room made his decision easy. "Then I'll be demoted to a corporal. Just please, transfer me somewhere else, anywhere else."
"Well, our forces in the North are spread really thin…I suppose I could transfer you there."
"Thank you sir." Roy said, a slight weight lifting in his chest.
"You'll have to fill out the paperwork." The General replied a little sadly as he got up and began looking for the papers. "When are you and Riza planning on leaving?"
The weight in Roy's chest suddenly tried to suffocate him. With trouble he replied, "Riza's not coming with me."
General Grumman turned around in shock. "What do you mean? Did you two have a fight? Is that what this is about?"
"No Sir. Riza and I have gotten along fine. I just can't stay here anymore." Roy replied, staring at his shoes in shame.
"You're going to have to give me a better reason than that if you expect me to let you break my granddaughter's heart." The General replied sternly.
"I don't deserve your granddaughter…" Roy said quietly, avoiding the General's gaze. "My hands are filthy with blood."
"Whose aren't?" The General replied with seriousness that Roy had never knew the man had. "We're not saints Roy. We're not perfect, and we've all done things that we've regretted. That's no reason to run away."
"I can't face her. I can't look at her without seeing all those people that died because of me. I just want to get out of here and try to make up for some of those sins." Roy explained.
The General could see it in Mustang's eyes…no matter what he said, his mind was made up and he was going to go. The General could tell him a million truths of war, regret, and redemption, but some truths you just have to experience for yourself. "She'll follow you. Riza's got a strong will and nothing is going to keep her from you."
Roy swallowed hard, "I know. That's why I don't want you to tell her where I've gone."
The statement felt like a punch in the stomach for the old man. The man his granddaughter loved, not only was leaving her, but he wasn't even going to tell her where he was going. "She loves you—and I know you love her, if you didn't you wouldn't have brought her back."
"You're right," he replied, "but this is something I've got to work through by myself. It's like you said, if she knows where I am she'll come after me."
There was no dissuading him. His mind was made up. All the General could do was simply nod and give Roy the papers.
After everything was said, done and signed the old man watched his visitor leave for the last time. And all he could think was 'None of us are saints Roy…not even her.'
--
Riza awoke groggily in an empty bed, "Roy?" she sleepily questioned the empty room. Realizing he wasn't there he reluctantly left the warmth of the bed and went to search for him. Chills crawled up her legs as her bare feet touched the cold hardwood floor. She made her way in the kitchen trying not to wake all the way up…she wanted so much to just find him and coax him back to bed. The thought made a little smile walk its way across her face and an elated feeling arose in her chest. The feeling began to diminish as she walked through each room of the apartment. There was no one there…in any of the rooms. Where could he be? He really wasn't well enough to just leave…especially without telling her.
She woke herself up the rest of the way and jumped into some civilian clothes. She picked up the phone and quickly dialed Havoc's number. Perhaps Roy just wanted to visit a friend…at least that's what she'd hoped. "Hello, Havoc? It's Hawkeye. Have you seen Roy by any chance? I woke up this morning and he was gone…I'm staying at his apartment until he recovers fully…are you sure you haven't seen or heard from him? No, you don't need to come over…I'm sure he's probably out just getting something to eat," she replied, lying to him.
She knew that Roy wouldn't have just walked out to get something to eat…especially when they had food in the apartment. There wouldn't be a point. 'Wait!' she thought to herself. Roy had told her yesterday that he was supposed to give her grandfather his decision about Parliament within the next couple of days…Roy had to be there. Riza grabbed her jacket and rushed out to the car.
"Hello Casper, is Grandfather home?" Riza asked the butler politely. The servant nodded and stepped aside motioning for her to come in.
"He's in the Riza Room." He answered. Riza couldn't help but cringe a little at the pet name for her Grandfather's study…it was so stupid.
"Grandfather?" Riza said bursting into the study. To her surprise, he was alone, sitting at his desk. "Do you know where Roy is? He's gone."
General Grumman clenched his jaw in attempts to maintain his control. It was bad enough he granddaughter's heart was going to be broken, but the worst part was that he was going to have to be the one to do it.
"Did he drop by here? Have you seen him? He really shouldn't be up and around without someone with him." She continued, completely blind to her grandfather's silence.
"He was here." Her grandfather replied.
"Was? Where is he now?" she asked.
Her Grandfather couldn't bear to look at her, "I can't tell you."
Riza was bewildered by his answer, "Can't tell me? What are you talking about? What's going on?"
"He had himself transferred out of Central this morning."
"But why? What's going on? Where did he get transferred to?" Riza asked, barely able to contain all her questions.
General Grumman got up from his position at his desk and put his arm around his granddaughter. "There's something that he has to work through on his own. He needed someplace to think, someplace to go."
"Why did he leave me?" she asked too stunned to say anything else.
"It's like I said, he has something to work through—"
"We could have worked through it together! That's what people that love you do, they help you get through things." Riza said, her voice cracking slightly.
"You can't help him with this…he has to come to an answer on his own." The old man said, trying his best to comfort the last of his family.
That same old loyalty and determination rekindled in the young woman's eyes as she stared her grandfather in the face, "Tell me where he is."
The General faltered for a moment, staring down an enemy and refusing to give information was one thing…but this was Riza, "I—I can't."
"Can't or won't?" she asked, her voice steely.
"Won't. He asked me not to." He said breaking their staring game.
Riza's chest seemed to collapse in on itself, "What? Wh-why?"
"Because he knows you'd follow him to hell if you had to. He wants to do this on his own Riza…have faith in him."
Suddenly Riza couldn't help but flashback to those few moments before her transmutation. She'd been so sure that he'd be simply committing suicide. He'd said, 'Since the first time we met, you've always been the one to have faith in me. You believed in me even when I didn't think I could keep going. I thought of quitting after I lost Maes, but you never stopped believing that I'd make it to the top. Please, you had faith in me then, have faith in me now.' Her grandfather wanted her to have faith in him…but sometimes it's so hard to believe in what you can't see.
"Have faith in him, Darling. He'll come back. He just needs to find some of his own answers."
--
Hawkeye was back in the office the next morning. Her reassignment paperwork had been filled over two weeks ago and she knew that her position at Central Headquarters would be the same. The only difference was that she was no longer following commands, she was giving them. With the colonel gone and the military being short staffed on high ranking officers due to the incident in Liore there was no one to replace him. So she was simply put in charge of their former team.
Breda was standing the back corner holding a box of filing while Falman was trying to get a stubborn file cabinet to open. Havoc was standing around being more or less idle while smoking a cigarette. Fuery was also there, rushing to try and find a can of oil he'd supposedly brought with him to fix the cabinet. They were all stunned to see the Lieutenant. No one had thought she'd be back to work so soon…especially without the Colonel.
They all stood to salute; Havoc even put out his cigarette. He tried to do that when she was around…she always told him that she hated it when people smoked—she said it reminded her of someone she used to know.
"At ease." She said, her voice business as usual. "I regret to inform you that the Colonel has been transferred. I will be taking over his duties until Parliament sees fit to bring a higher ranking officer in."
The news shocked the men. Transferred! The Colonel was a hero! How could they transfer him? As they gaped at her in amazement, she continued, "Falman, your reassignment papers have finally went through and you're being transferred to the Parliament building where you'll be head of security protocols involving the heads of state. Breda, you and Havoc will remain under my command."
The shock began to wear off as she spoke and finally Havoc was able to formulate a question. "The Colonel…is he coming back?"
"Someday." She replied, her face set in stone. "You have your orders. Dismissed."
Everyone began moving about, shuffling papers and going on errands. Hawkeye simply drifted toward a window and began to stare out lifelessly. Havoc sensed her pain. While her face was hard and unchanging, her eyes said it all. The call from yesterday morning only added to the mixture. It didn't take a genius to realize that the Colonel had left without telling her.
Quietly he came to stand next to her in the empty room. "Do you know why he left?"
"I was told that he needed to find some answers." She replied, not looking at him. Her gaze through the window remained unwavering, but it was easy to see that even if she was looking outside she wasn't seeing any of it.
"Do you know when he's supposed to be back?" he asked tentatively.
She simply shook her head, still staring blankly into the courtyard. "I trust that the Colonel knows what he's doing." She replied, looking at her friend. Her voice cracked slightly, "I know he'll be back."
Havoc's heart broke for her. He wished he could do anything to make her feel better, but all he could think to do was simply wrap his arms around her small form and give her a firm hug. "Even if you know he's coming back," he whispered in her ear, "it doesn't make the waiting any easier. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here."
She nodded in response to his comfort and bit the inside of her cheek. Living with Roy had made her soft. She'd left her guard down for so long it was hard to put it back up. Determination swept over her and the thick wall was slowly being reconstructed. He was going to be gone for a while, and she knew that she would just have to endure until then.
More stuff to come :)