Living on Borrowed Time

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Author's note: I hate this chapter. With a passion. I do have a fan art pic of this chap. about midway through. I think the link is on my profile page...if not I'll try adding it :)

Chapter 31: Epilogue pt. 3

-- Almost 2 Years Later--

"Another end to another long day." Havoc said as he stood up from his desk and stretched. He glanced over at the blonde woman sitting at the desk nearby. She was reading a casualty report…again. Hawkeye did it every Friday nowadays. He never asked her why, because he already knew. She was looking for a name…well maybe 'looking' isn't the right word, more like 'trying not to find a name' was more like it. He could see it in her eyes. She was always a little afraid that this week would be the week she'd read through the list and find: Mustang, Roy, on it. Mentally he hoped that the name would be missing this week as well.

Hawkeye didn't look up as he got up from his desk; she rarely took much notice of anything these days. She did her work, she went home, she got up and went to work again. It seemed that she'd always done that, but for some reason it wasn't the same. Maybe because every once in a while he'd catch her looking out the window, as if she was hoping to see something. He couldn't blame her, almost two years had passed and he missed him too. Things just weren't the same without the Colonel.

"Lieutenant!" Called a breathless Fuery as he dashed in the room, Falman followed quickly behind. Havoc smiled, they were right on time. "There's an urgent message from Parliament!"

It was strange for Fuery and Falman to be there since their transfer and their presence caught Hawkeye completely off guard. Something must be terribly wrong if they sent someone. She prayed that her Grandfather was all right. "What's the message?" she asked.

Fuery handed her a large folded paper. She immediately jerked the paper open to reveal "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" scrawled on it in big bright letters. Falman, Havoc, Breda and Fuery shouted out "Happy Birthday!" in unison as she smiled slightly at the card.

"Thank you, this was very sweet." She replied, a little taken back from the attention.

"That's not all Lieutenant." Falman said as he pulled a gift out from behind his back. "This is from Fuery and me. Go on, open it."

Hawkeye set the small gift down on her desk and pulled the bright blue paper off gently. She opened the box to reveal a beautiful silver necklace with a gentle stylized bird as its charm. She picked it up out of the box and smiled as the bird glistened in the dying sunlight. "It's beautiful. Thank you." Fuery blushed slightly, "I'm glad you like it. Scheska helped us pick it out."

It was apparently Breda's turn. It was a simple card. A fuzzy bear sat on the front cover eating a honey comb, and on the inside it read, "Hope you have a Honey of a Bearthday!" Within the card was a gift certificate for a very beautiful clothing store in the center of the city. "Sorry if it seems a little impersonal Lieutenant…me and Havoc had planned to get you something else, but it didn't quite pan out. Heh, I hope you like it anyway."

"It was very thoughtful," she replied.

"I had a back up present just in case what we had planned didn't work out." Havoc said giving her a very messily wrapped gift. It was fairly heavy and Hawkeye eyed it with bewilderment. As she started to pull at the paper, Havoc stopped her. "Uh…you might want to open it later." He said smiling. She gave him a puzzled look but simply put the package on her desk. "Thank you all." She said standing up, "It was really sweet of you to remember—"

"Oh! Lieutenant," Fuery said running out into the hall and coming back with another gift. "Your Grandfather sent me down with this. He told me to tell you happy birthday."

Hawkeye unwrapped the square package slowly, she already knew what it was. Her grandfather always got her the same gift every year. She opened the box to reveal a beautiful ornate snow globe. Inside the snow globe was a lovely woman sitting on a bench in a gorgeous evening gown. On the top part of the globe there was a little star sitting on a cloud. She smiled sadly at the trinket. The woman made her feel even more alone than she'd felt in a long time. The woman seemed to be sitting there waiting for someone…much like she was waiting for him.

"I have to go Lieutenant, there are a few more errands to run before I get off duty." Fuery said backing out of the room. Falman also indicated that he had to leave. Breda and Havoc said their good-byes and left just a few minutes later.

Night had fallen and Hawkeye couldn't bring herself to go home. Black Hayate sat next to her desk, deep in slumber. He was the only reason for her to go home. She had to feed him…but that was all. Work was empty; it was just meaningless busy work nowadays. She tried her best to stay positive but part of her just wanted to stop coming all together. She knew she couldn't…that she had to continue to support herself, but the joy she'd had was gone.

Riza looked out at the moon and her heart ached. Was he thinking of her? Did he miss her? Was he even alive? Her thoughts were interrupted by Havoc coming back into the office.

"You're still here?" he asked. "I thought you'd left. I just came back to get my house keys."

She nodded at him and turned to face the window once more staring out at the moon. Havoc soon joined her. "Did you open the gift from me?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No, you told me to wait."

"I just told you to wait because I didn't think you'd want to open it in front of the guys. You can open it now though."

She eyed him nervously. What would be so bad that she couldn't open it in front of the others? She mentally prayed it wasn't a mini skirt. Gently she ripped off the paper and smiled brightly at the gift. "Thank you Havoc." It was a romance novel. He was one of the few people that knew she had a secret passion for them. She read the title mentally 'Living On Borrowed Time.' Hawkeye flipped the book over and quickly read the back. 'Sergeant Marie Calvert and General Kyle Johnson are two star-crossed soldiers that care for each other deeply. Pride and rank form an enormous barrier between the two preventing them from revealing their true feelings. When Kyle is ordered into the battlefield only to be severely injured Marie must find the courage to leave pride and rank behind to reveal her true feelings before it's too late.' For the first time in over a year Hawkeye smiled…really smiled.

"I think that's the first time I've seen you really smile in a while." Havoc said. "Nowadays it's always that painted on smile that says that you're only smiling so that the people won't be concerned about you."

Riza felt her eyes being drawn back to the window and the moon. "Smiling isn't as easy as it used to be." She said.

"Well if I remember correctly you didn't smile that often to begin with…but at least when you did you meant it." Havoc said staring out the window with her.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked

She thought for a moment and looked at him in surprise, "I guess for not smiling right."

He smiled back at her pitifully, "Its okay to be sad…it's okay to miss him. We all do."

"I guess…Its just that a part of me wonders if he misses us." She replied, "It's been almost two years and he hasn't sent any sort of word. What if he's dead?"

"It would have been in the casualty reports if he was." Havoc said reasoning with her.

"For all I know he's not in the military anymore." She said. "All I want to know is that he's all right."

"I'm sure he's fine. This is the Colonel we're talking about. He got shot in the face and he was okay." Riza nodded, but a little part of her couldn't believe Havoc. It wouldn't be until she could see him again that she'd be really sure. "You know," Havoc continued, "if he still is in the military you could probably track him down. There has to be a paper trail somewhere. It probably wouldn't take that long."

"To tell you the truth, I've thought about it more than once." Riza replied guiltily. "But I never could go through with it. He left because he needed to get a change of scenery. He left to-to get away from me—"

"That's not true." Havoc interrupted.

"Don't lie to me Jean." She said. He noticed she used his first name…a true rarity for Hawkeye. They'd become good friends since Mustang's disappearance and every once in a while she would use his first name, but it was usually when she felt she needed to press a point on him. He knew she meant business when she called him Jean. "He left because he couldn't do whatever it was with me here." She continued. "I've come to terms with that…I think its one of the reasons I never looked him up. He didn't want me to know where he was and I respect his decision. I'd never want him to lose his trust in me just because I couldn't be patient. If he wants me to know where he is, he'll tell me. Until then I'll wait for him."

Havoc's heart broke for his friend. Day in and day out he watched as a little bit more of her faded away into this machine-like existence. He couldn't just sit around anymore and watch her be in so much pain. He'd find Mustang if it was the last thing he ever did.

Hawkeye walked slowly home, Black Hayate trotting by her side. The air was warm and the deep buzz of summer was in the air. She could feel something was coming…she just couldn't help but wonder what it was.

She got to her home before she wanted to and sighed at her doorway. She didn't want to go in and see that empty room staring back at her. Silently she willed Roy to be standing just behind the door with that charming smirk on his face. He'd tell her that the past 2 years had just been a bad dream and that he loved her. She sighed sadly. Why did she get her hopes up like that when she knew that he wasn't going to be there? 'It's because you're a hopeless romantic.' She answered herself, 'You think up scenarios like this because you read too many romance novels.' She knew it was silly to hope, but she just couldn't help herself. Hawkeye put her keys in the door and walked into her apartment. Naturally, it was empty.

She sighed getting more depressed by the moment. 'It's my birthday…and the one thing I want, is the one thing I can't get.' She hung her head only to notice a small carefully wrapped box at her feet. "What's this?" she asked Black Hayate who was sniffing it and barking happily. Riza looked around the box for a card or something, but there was nothing. Cautiously she opened the package. Within was a pair of beautiful silver stud earrings much like the ones she always wore. She'd had her usual pair for over five years and they were getting very dull. Her heart leapt into her chest as she read the little note inside the box. "I love you."

'Could it be from him?' she almost dared to hope. But just then her rational side kicked in, 'Stop doing this to yourself Riza. It must be from Grandfather. Roy is gone, and he's not coming back anytime soon.' Still…even with that logic it was hard not to hope and wish that they really were from Roy. She tried to push the idea out of her head so to take her mind off the sender she took her old earrings out and put in the new ones. Staring at her reflection in the mirror she tilted her head from side to side watching as the light glinted off the jewelry. Whoever they were from, they had good taste.

--

It took two months to track the Colonel down. Havoc and Breda had actually tried to look him up before Lt. Hawkeye's birthday, but they didn't have the time. Havoc wasn't willing to give up, not now…not after that night in the office. He was her friend and as her friend it was his responsibility to do what he could to help her.

Colonel Mustang was positioned out in the outer regions of the Northern Border. Snow roared from the sky blinding the two lone soldiers. "Colonel! Where are you Colonel!" Havoc and Breda called in the desolate landscape. There was a quiet sound from behind them and Havoc was surprised to see what he'd thought was a mound of snow slowly turn into his former commanding officer. Mustang saluted the two men, "Lt. Havoc, Lt. Breda, thank you for coming all the way here." The Colonel didn't seem disturbed or surprised in the least to see them there, he just seemed tired. Mustang had been expecting them for a while…he knew when he left it would only be a matter of time before one of them decided to come looking for him. Admittedly, he hadn't thought it would be Havoc and Breda.

The three men made their way inside and Mustang stoked the fire. "I'm glad to see you doing well." He said. Havoc and Breda made a move to salute, but he stopped them with a raise of his hand, "Please don't be so formal, I'm just a police officer"

Havoc's eyebrows jumped in surprise. He smiled teasingly "Oh really? Well then Corporal Mustang…" he started, but was quickly shut up by a jab in the gut by Breda. Breda threw him a look that easily read 'shut your pie hole, you're being disrespectful'. Even though Havoc hadn't really meant anything by it, he felt a little guilty. Thankfully Breda changed the subject.

"It's like you Colonel to choose such a rural area." He commented.

Roy stoked the fire some more, "I'm doing what I can for my country in my own way." Silence enveloped the room. Things were so unbearably awkward. Havoc started to wonder why he was even here.

"You're officers are loyal Colonel Jerk." Hallucination Edward commented. Roy ignored the spirit. He'd been putting up with his condescending remarks for the better part of 2 years and while he knew they weren't coming from the real thing, it was hard not to take them to heart. "You don't deserve such loyal officers. Its good that you're not commanding anymore, they'd surely be dead by now if you were."

Finally Havoc's anxiety got the best of him and he pulled out his cigarettes. Before he could reach for his lighter Mustang pulled a box of matches from his pocket and began attempting to strike one. The gesture seemed to show just how far the Colonel had fallen. "Colonel…" Havoc started to protest.

Mustang gave up on trying to light the match, "I haven't used alchemy once since that day."

"The Flame Alchemist?" Breda asked, a little afraid to finish his sentence.

"When I try to, I see those that have passed away due to my foolishness" Roy said. He placed his hand on his eye patch in remembrance "this eye…doesn't equal the price of the lives of those that are gone."

"Colonel come back with us." Havoc said simply blurting it out.

"No."

"But why not?" Breda asked. The Colonel was being silly. You can't change the past.

"I don't deserve to come back."

"You're being unreasonable." Havoc said, gulping slightly. He wouldn't usually dare talk back to the Colonel like this, but just the image of Hawkeye's face and her fake smile urged him to keep trying.

"This is my penitence; it's what I deserve, and I'll do the best I can with it." He replied.

"Does Hawkeye deserve to serve this penitence with you?" Havoc asked. Breda looked from his comrade to his former commander in shock. Havoc wasn't usually one to speak out so diligently, but over the past two years he'd become more of his own man. It was strange…Breda wondered why he'd never noticed it before.

Havoc's comment caught Roy off guard. His heart seemed to rip its way out of his chest. In two years he'd managed to avoid the topic of Hawkeye. While she'd never been far from his thoughts he'd hadn't actually had to talk about her. His voice wavered slightly, "How is she? Is she all right?"

"It depends on your definition of all right." Havoc remarked. "If you mean 'does she do her job?' then yes, she's perfectly fine. But if you mean 'does she live her life…does she enjoy every day…or is she the same person she always was?' then no, she's not all right."

Roy almost couldn't bear it. He'd hoped that she'd moved on after he'd left. All those years she'd served with him, waiting for him to finally say 'I love you,' putting her entire life on hold because she was waiting on him…he'd hoped all that would fall behind her if he wasn't around. He'd only wanted her to be happy…and it seemed that his plan had backfired more than he'd ever thought possible. She didn't deserve to live her life alone just because he had personal demons to deal with…but he also didn't deserve to be rewarded with her love after all the damage he'd done to others. It was paradox at work. No answer was the right one.

"What should we tell her when we get back?" Havoc asked, just waiting for the Colonel to tell them that he couldn't help but come back now that he knew what was really going on.

"Tell her…" he started, "that I'm sorry. I can't come back with you."

Havoc set his jaw firmly. If Mustang could be stubborn, he could be too. "We'll make sure to relay that to her. Let's go Breda."

The two men got up, gave the Colonel a silent salute and left. Mustang followed them out to resume standing at his post in the snow. As the two companions got to the top of a snow bank they turned around to look at the outpost from a distance. They couldn't see Mustang from where they stood, the falling snow was obscuring everything.

"We should have invited Lt. Hawkeye as well." Breda shouted to Havoc over the blizzard.

"That person wouldn't have come." Havoc replied "She wouldn't want to see the Colonel like that. Plus I feel like the person that the Colonel is waiting for isn't the lieutenant."

"Then who is it?" Breda asked, clearly confused.

The former colonel stood outside at his post staring blankly ahead. The voices of his former men were carried on the wind 'that person wouldn't have come…she wouldn't want to see him like that…' it broke his heart and clawed at his insides. He deserved to stand outside in this freezing weather.

"It makes sense that she didn't come." Edward whispered in his ear. "Why would she want to see a poor broken down man like you?"

"Shut up." Roy replied aloud to his tormentor. "What do you know about love? About wanting to share your life with someone? I'm not perfect and neither were you. You lost your brother's body in a human transmutation because you were obsessed with the past and losing your mother. And because of it, you spent the rest of your life trying to correct your mistakes. Just because you spent your life living in the past doesn't mean I should have to. I've given up everything because you keep making me relive each moment of guilt, but no more! I won't be tortured by a cheap imitation of someone that's not even dead!"

"How do you know I'm not dead?" the spirit Edward asked in a cocky tone.

"Because the real Edward wouldn't be following me around. If he'd really died he sure as hell wouldn't be haunting the one person he hates the most. He hated working under me, he certainly wouldn't stop to spend the rest of eternity with me." Roy reasoned. "Besides, he's too stubborn to die." Within moments the spirit Edward began to slowly dissolve, a disturbing smile locked in his features. Was it over? Was his guilt finally gone? Mustang was a little scared to actually believe it was true. Edward wasn't dead, he was too resilient for death. The former Colonel let a hesitant smile ease its way across his face as he turned and went into the small outpost. Just as he opened the door he heard a crackling sound from the radio.

"Come in Northern Outpost! Come in Northern Outpost! Do you read me!" a voice called.

"Corporal Mustang reporting!" he shouted into the receiver.

"What's your situation! Are there any earthquakes there?"

Mustang was more than a little confused, "Everything is quiet here. What's going on?"

"There were just two simultaneous earthquakes. One in Lior, and one in Central." The man replied.

'Central AND Lior! –Could it be…him?' Mustang pushed the thought from his head and focused on what the man was saying.

"The damage is devastating. It'll take years to rebuild it all."

"Central Headquarters, is it still standing!" Mustang asked, terrified for a brief moment that he'd lost her again.

"Yes, thankfully it's still standing. There's a strange report from Lior though. there are armored people crawling out of the center of the town's square. They seem to be coming out of some sort of gate or transmutation circle." The man mentioned.

"A transmutation circle?"

"Yes—hold on, they're reporting that someone is trying to defend the town. Someone in a red trench coat…"

Roy heart leapt to his throat, 'Fullmetal?'

"I think they said his name was Alphonse Headrick." The man reported on the other end of the line.

Roy's heart fell to the bottom of his stomach, "Do you mean Alphonse Elric?"

"Yeah, that's it. Do you know him?"

"Yeah, a long time ago." Roy said, the entire disappointment of the conversation really falling on his shoulders. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, for now I think. Are you sure there's nothing strange going on up there?" the man asked again.

Roy glanced out the window at the blowing blizzard, "Yeah, I'm sure. Call back if anything else develops." The radio static crackled to a dead silence and Roy sat in the flickering light of the fireplace. After about an hour, the radio crackled once more, "Northern outpost! Northern outpost! Mustang pick up!" the familiar voice screeched.

"I'm here!" he shouted in the receiver. "Is there anything new on the Lior/Central incident?"

"Yeah! The armored people, they started to round them up, but they were all dead. And just as the police in the area were trying to think of something to do with them the armor just levitated right into some sort of gate in the sky!"

The news was shocking. There was only one thing connecting the two places. Roy couldn't help but wonder if it could really be a sign from him.