Author's Ransom Note: We have kidnapped Steve-0. If you ever want to see another update and maybe Steve-0 alive again, send $0.37 for postage of this ransom note to pier 12 at midnight.

Author's Real Note: Eesch! Sorry for not updating in a while. I sort of cough erased my

Word processor and lost the CD to reinstall it so I'm gong to try to valiantly do these next couple chapters on Notepad in Windows accessories. Also I just want to note that the chapter titles are named after parodized Buffy Episodes and may or may not have anything to do with the actual chapter or story. So without further disgrace...

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 4

"The Zippo."

The sky split opened above a toy-filled room in what appeared to be a daycare center, and out fell Xander. Thud

"Ugh. Where am I?" Xander dusted himself off and looked for clue on his location. It seemed like he was in your basic run-of-the-mill daycare center. He made his way over to the desk, where he noticed two things. One, a memo with a letter head that read: Xander and Dawn's Sunnydale Sitters, and two, a day calendar with that showed that today was January 4, 2021.

Before Xander could wrap his brain around his predicament the doors to the daycare burst open and three small children scrambled in and tackled the confused geek.

"Uncle Xander!" They shouted.

"Hey you kids, what did I say about tackling people." A voice called out.

"Only if they're Vampire, Demon, or Norwegian." The children said in a monotonous tone.

"That's right." The voice began to take shape as an older, pregnant blonde woman entered the room.

"Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Hey Xander, thanks for taking them off my hands. I'd love to stay and chat but I'm going to be late for my second ultrasound for little Biles Giles, here." She said as she patted her protruding belly.

"Um...eww." Xander stated, as he watched Buffy leave. Then he turned his attention towards the kids.

"So are you all Buffy and Giles' kids?" Xander asked.

"Heck, no! My name is Bradley Finn. I'm the son of Riley Finn and Buffy Summers." Piped the boy wearing camo and a crew cut.

"I'm Spuffy. I'm the bloody daughter of Buffy and Spike." The bleached blonde little girl as she pulled a cigarette out of her tiny, black duster.

"Spuffy? That sounds more like a dog's name than a kid's." Xander noted.

"Hey sod off, you bloody git!"

Xander shrugged, and turned his attention to the fat kid who was inhaling a candy bar he recently fished from his black duster.

"And whose kid are you?"

"I'm Bangle. Buffy and Angel's son."

"Boy, Vampires can't name their kids for crap."

"It's not that. Our names have to consist of so many of the same letters as our parents' name, so the author doesn't get confused."

"Yeah, plus as second generation kids we're not allowed to have our own personalities. We have to either have to be the exact same character as our parents or a twisted amalgamation of them both." Bradley chimed in.

Just then a young woman in her mid to late twenties came in from the back.

"Hey, I could use a hand back here with the other kids." She said.

"Dawn? What are you doing here?" Xander asked.

"Oh usually in these 2nd Gen stories, the younger characters in the original series become the older, wiser, mentor-like characters in the fic. I'm also embezzling the profits from your daycare center." Dawn said matter-of-factly.

"Oh." Xander said.

"Did you hit your head or something you seem to be kind of out of the loop?" Dawn asked concerned.

"Um, yeah I guess I'm having a bit of amnesia." Xander lied,

"Well we'll take care of that. Now if you follow me I'll re-introduce you to the rest of the kids." Dawn said.

Dawn led Xander and the three Buffy spawnlings out into the backyard where he was greeted by the sight of multiple mini-versions of his friends playing on the swing set, and chasing each other with bats. Unfortunately as soon as Bangle and Spuffy stepped out onto the back porch they disintegrated. (Them being half-vampire, and allergic to the sun, and all.)

"Uh, Dawn." Xander tugged on the sleeve of Dawn's peasant shirt. Dawn turned around noticed the two dusters nestled in a pile of dust.

"Damn, I knew I should have read that sheet with everyone's list of allergies. This one's gonna be a tough one to explain when sis gets back." Dawn said with a shrug.

"Ok now I'll introduce you to the kids. First there's Tarot." Dawn said motioning to the young girl wearing a mullet and an Indigo Girls T, who was sitting Indian-style in the sandbox raising tiny satanic temples out of the sand.

"Let me guess, Will and Tara's kid." Xander asked.

"Well, you're half right. She's actually the spawn of Willow, Tara, and a turkey-baster filled with David Crosby, of Crosby, Stills, and Nash's, semen."

"Can you say 'semen' in a PG-13 rated fanfic?" Xander asked.

"Fine, David Crosby's Guys on a Boat." Dawn corrected herself. "Moving on. The feminine looking boy, combing his hair in the reflection of the sliding board is Wordeliam, son of Wesley and Cordelia. He's a sad one. His father was sent to jail shortly after his birth. So he had no male-role model growing up. "

"Wesley is in prison?"

"Yes, apparently sixteen will get you twenty in the Sunnydale courts. Ok, do you see the girl chasing the little British boy around with a bat?"

"Yeah?"

"The girl is Waif, the daughter of Principal Wood and Faith, and the boy is Gallagher the son of Giles and Miss Calendar. He just got out of time out for smashing a watermelon with a sledgehammer. That should do it except for Sparmony, Sprucilla, Angela, Spanya, and Angina. They're in the sandbox." Dawn added.

"That's odd; the only one I see in the sandbox is Tarot." Xander said holding his hand over his eye to block out the sun.

"Did I say in the sandbox? I meant is the sandbox. I've got to get better at this sun allergy thing. Now am I forgetting anyone else?"

"Bark." A small brown puppy jumped out of the bushes near the swing set and ran into Dawn's arms

"Oh of course. Hello Woz! Who's the pretty werewolf? Yes. Who's the pretty werewolf?" Dawn said in baby talk as she cuddled the pup.

"Now that you've re-familiarized with everybody, you can start doing your job and read to the kids, while I take a smoke break." Dawn said as she put down Woz. "Kids, story time!" She yelled and herded Xander and the kids back inside.

"Wait, I don't know what to read to them." Xander protested. Dawn huffed and grabbed a dusty, old book from a nearby table, and shoved into Xander's hands.

"Here, this book materialized here this morning. You can read them this." She said, and then left the room. Xander took the book and sat down in a large comfy chair in the center of the room. The children gathered around him.

"Ok here goes." Xander said but before he could open the book. A portal opened up above him and Anya and Mary-Sue feel from it. Anya landed on his lap, while Mary-Sue landed headfirst into a pile of toys.

"Xander?"

"Anya? Thank God, you're ok!" Xander explained.

"Oh Xander, I was so worried I'd never see you again." The two begin to kiss passionately.

"Um, I hate to interrupt but I think I may have a mild concussion and a Lincoln Log lodged in a very uncomfortable place." Mary-Sue whined.

"Who's that?" Xander broke off the kiss to ask.

"I'm Mary-Sue. I'm perfect." Mary-Sue said brightly.

"She followed me here. I had to bring her along in exchange for a magic book that transported me here. A book that looks surprisingly a lot like the one I'm sitting on." Anya explained, as she pulled the book from underneath her.

"That must mean that this is one of the fanfic books from the bookshelf. Maybe it's the one that'll take us home!" Xander exclaimed. He took a look at the title.

"OC." He read out loud.

"Isn't that a hit show on FOX?" Anya asked.

"You're right! Home sweet Syndicated home, here we come." Xander said happily, and started to open the book.

"Hey wait, you can't leave. You still have to read to us." Bradley Finn whined.

"Um, Mary-Sue'll read to you." Anya said.

"But what do I read to them you've got the only book?" Mary-Sue asked confused but willing to help.

"Maybe there's a magazine or something in the desk." Xander suggested. Mary-Sue went to the desk and looked in the drawer.

"I found something." She smiled brightly holding up a folded up magazine.

"Ok, bye." Anya said impatiently.

Xander opened up the book, and the couple was sucked inside.

"Have a nice trip!" Mary-Sue called out sweetly. She then took Xander's spot in the chair, opened the magazine and began to read out lout.

"Dear Penthouse,

I never thought it could happen to me..."

To Be Continued...