Author's Note: Went out to lunch will be back at Noon

Author's Real Note: Ok fangirls, please don't come after me with your pitchforks and torches, but it's time for the slash parody.

Also today's chapter title comes from the episode title of the season finale of season 6 entitled "Grave"

Thank-you Buffy Episode Guide!

Buffy the Cliché Slayer

Chapter 5

"Gravy"

The sky opened up outside of the Bronz, and Willow fell out of the portal. She landed face first in a puddle.

"Ick. I'm all wet and muddy now." She complained. "Hey it's the Bronz. Maybe I can clean myself up in their bathroom." The young witch made her way to the club, and noticed the bouncer was slightly different then she was use to.

"Principal Wood?" Willow rubbed her eyes in disbelief

The vampire hunter's bald head shimmered with glitter, and he wore a bright shade of violet lipstick.

A hot pink feather boa was wrapped around his neck, and perfectly accessorized his form-fitting blue latex cat suit.

"Oh please, Principal Wood's my straight name, honey, by night folks just call me Woody. Do you have an ID? "

He said with a lisp.

"Oh yes," Willow said as she fished out her license.

"Child, please! I don't want to see your nasty-ass driver's license picture. I meant your gay ID."

"Gay ID?"

Woody rolled his eyes and huffed.

"Cher ticket stubs for boys, Lilith Fair for girls, honestly."

"I don't have any ticket stubs." Willow said helplessly. "Oh! But I have some Wicca jewelry does that help prove my sexuality?" She said showing off her silver pentagram jewelry. Woody huffed again.

"Close enough, I guess." He said and opened the door.

"Honey, welcome to the fabulous world of Slash fanfiction!"

Willow senses were overloaded with homo-eroticism. To her left, she saw Giles and Wesley grinding against each other as Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You out of My Head" played in the background. To her right she saw Spike and Angel necking. (Get it? Vampires? Necking?)

Above her she could see Xander giving Oz a heavy petting. Beside them Faith was straddling Buffy, and just in front of her on the stage was Tara ushering Dawn into womanhood.

Willow covered her eyes.

"You know I'd like to think of myself as a pretty open-minded person. When they told me that the ratings were slipping during the 4th season, and they wanted to make me a lesbian, because it worked on Ellen, Ally McBeal, and Rosanne, I said ok. But this, this, what I'm seeing here, this is just wrong." Willow stammered.

"Oh please, girlfriend, you ain't seen nothing yet. Bring out the NC-17 rating!" Woody shouted.

Suddenly the room was illuminated with red light and cheesy sax music mixed with generic funk played

in the background.

DUE TO THE GRAPHIC CONTENT OF THE NEXT FEW PARAGRAPHS, AND TO

PROTECT THE PG-13 RATING OF THIS FIC. THE FOLLOWING SECTION OF THIS

FIC HAS BEEN CENSORED, AND REPLACED WITH MORE FAMILY-FRIENDLY

CONTENT.

The couples looked lustfully into each others eye. Some of them licked their lips, while others just shook with longing anticipation. Then once they were all undressed they began to SHAKE HANDS.

YES EVERYBODY STARTED SHAKING EACH OTHERS HANDS OFF.

"Oh my God, Spike, Nobody can SHAKE HANDS like you!" Angel moaned.

"That's right, Buff, SHAKE MY HAND! SHAKE MY HAND all night long!" Faith screamed her hand full of the slayer's blonde hair.

"Oh my God, I haven't felt this dirty since I saw Christina Aguilera's last video." Willow groaned choking back her need to vomit.

"I know, pretty hot, huh." Woody smiled watching voyeuristically. (Probably not a real word.)

"Look, Principal-- I mean Woody, you haven't seen a magic book around here, and I think I've seen enough of this type of fanfic." Willow stated.

"Oh you mean like that one floating there across the room? It materialized this morning."

Sure enough, amidst the orgy...I mean HAND SHAKING-A-THON, floated another one of the magic fanfic books which had been a fantastic plot device thus far. Willow ran towards the book, but slipped on some lubricant I MEAN HAND LOTION. (WELL I GUESS THAT DOESN'T QUITE HELP MUCH EITHER.) And slid all slip n' slide like to the other side of the room. Where she quickly jumped to her feet, and grabbed the book.

"Songfic? Ok, I like musicals. Musicals usually don't have hot sweaty bodies SHAKING HANDS all around me." Willow said frantically as she read the title.

She opened the book and was sucked inside.

"Well, you don't see that everyday." Woody said. Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder. Behind him stood Riley, Ben, and Andrew all clad in leather bondage-gear.

"Hi, we're here for the HAND SHAKING." Ben said.

"Sorry, honey, there are something's that are just too gay for even slash fic." Woody said and snapped his fingers three times in a "Z" formation.

TO BE CONTINUED

Coming Soon: Giles meets some new friends from other series, books, and anime. Buffy goes to

Bizarro Sunnydale where she learns what life would be like if Joss Whedon hadn't written the show, and Spike learns who wrote the book of loooove.