Chapter 17 - The Yule Goat
"How does this woman not realize the man she works with is perfect for her?" asked Wanda.
Pietro asked what to Tony, seemed the more obvious question: "How does this woman not realize man she is dating is store mannequin?"
"What I'm wondering is how these women don't have anything better to do at work than talk about men, and how this woman has time to go to a Christmas party and on a bunch of dates, when this movie started off with her boss telling her that her career was riding on her ability to put together a pitch for an ad campaign in a few days—Tony, put that down. You promised you wouldn't."
Tony froze, and for not the first time, he wondered if the woman he intended to marry actually had eyes in the back of her head. Then he put down the spiced rum that he had been about to spike his eggnog with; after all, he had promised her that he wouldn't start drinking in case Thor and Loki got back and he had to go pick them up from that Walgreens in New Jersey. Happy had the night off; he wasn't Ebenezer Scrooge, after all.
Tony took a sip of his virgin eggnog, wishing it was something stiffer. "Pep, what if they're gone for months? Point Break was gone for six months one time, and when he came back, he told us that only a week had passed on Asgard. No one's ever explained how the whole super weird, inconsistent Asgard to Midgard time difference thing works."
That pulled Pietro's attention away from the television. "Kiki might not be back for months? But if there is anything I have learned from binge-watching made for TV holiday movies, it is that holidays are the most romantic time of year, and only losers are not in love at Christmas. That is why I am going to take Loki to the top of the Empire State Building on Christmas Eve."
"Yeah, that's not happening for so many reasons. First of all, even if they do get back before Christmas, both Rudolph and Blitzen are going to be grounded until next Christmas for slipping out without saying goodbye. Second, you're fourteen. You're not old enough to date anyone unless it's some awkward high school dance situation. Third, if you haven't noticed, Loki doesn't seem to be that into you, which might be because you call them Kiki, or it might be because you're fourteen, which automatically makes you lame to any girl and-or androsexual person older than thirteen."
"That is not true. Wanda, you are a girl older than thirteen—"
"He's right, I think you are lame."
"There you go," said Tony.
"She is my sister. She does not count."
"Sir,"interrupted JARVIS. "I thought you might want to know that there have been numerous reports on social media of a strange flash of rainbow-colored lights thought to have emanated from the Central Park area."
"Seriously?" The whole reason Thor had taken Loki with him was so that he could sneak them back out of Asgard using the "back ways" again. Which was why hours after they'd left, Tony had gone back to that Walgreens in Hoboken, snuck into their stockroom, and hidden sensors in there.
Pepper shook her head. "You know, eventually people are going to figure out what that light is."
"Those of a scientific mind believe that what has been termed the 'Central Park aurora' to be a natural phenomenon caused by a combination of air pollution and lighting conditions," JARVIS told her. "However, some conspiracy theorists believe that it is caused by the opening of a wormhole to another world, possibly Asgard."
"Is it a conspiracy theory if they're right?"
"I believe a conspiracy theory would be any theory pertaining to a conspiracy, whether or not said conspiracy is real."
"Wait, how does the public not know what it is anyway?" asked Tony. "I mean, it's a good thing they don't, or Thor would get mobbed every time he traveled between Ass-guard and New York, but Nat dumped all of SHIELD's files onto the Internet."
"It seems that the only members of the general public who have meticulously combed through those terabytes upon terabytes of SHIELD data were those who had already been dubbed conspiracy theorists, Sir."
"Alright, whatever. Just start up the heater and warm the seats in Pep's station wagon, J, because I'm going to pick them up."
Pepper arched an eyebrow at him, which he was pretty sure was in response to the station wagon comment. "If they're just coming from Central Park, they're probably half way here already."
"Yeah, but it's freezing out there. Lokes is mortal, and we don't know if they dressed for the weather. I'll just drive along the most obvious route they would take and see if I run into them."
"Can I go with you?" asked Pietro.
"There's no reason for you to go, kid. Just stay here and keep rotting your brain on corny Christmas movies."
"You never let Wanda or I go anywhere."
He really didn't have time for this kind of argument. "Fine; if you can be in the car by the time I—"
Tony was nearly knocked off his feet when Pietro sped by him in a blur on his way to the elevator. "Hey, what have I said about running in the house? And you can come right back here and get your coat. As far as I know, your superpowers do not include insusceptibility to hypothermia—hey, what are you laughing at?"
Pepper hadn't laughed out loud, but she was hiding her face behind her wine glass, which really didn't cover up the grin she was wearing. "You sound like my mom."
Tony pointed at her as he backed into the elevator. "You take that back. I do not, nor will I ever sound like anyone's parent. Even if we end up with ten more kids, never will I ever sound like anyone but Tony Stark, billionaire playboy, philanthropist, and superhero. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go pick up Thor and Loki so I can give Loki a big hug and then ground both of them until they're three thousand years old."
·͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙
Pietro blew his breath onto the window of the car, and then traced a heart into the resulting condensation. Then he drew inside the heart, in English letters: P + L. A second later, his face was hit by a rush of cold air as Tony used the button on his side of the car to roll the window down.
A moment later, the window rolled back up, clean of his doodle. "Stop vandalizing the windows and keep a lookout for Thor and Loki," said Tony.
Pietro rested his forehead on the cold glass. He watched the store windows as they drove past them, all decorated for the holidays with sparkling electric lights and fake snow. Everything was so clean and brightly colored, just like on American TV. New York City was just as he had imagined it to be when he was younger, if only a little more life-sized. Not that it was by any means small, but the TV always made things look bigger than they were somehow.
Tony Stark also seemed smallerthan Pietro had once imagined him to be. After the deaths of their parents, he and Wanda had built up the man to be a monster, but he was just a man, who had done nothing but treat them well, even after they had stolen his plane and threatened him. They'd been treated better than the had been treated at the orphanage, and certainly better than they'd been treated by those Hydra scientists. Also, there was always plenty to eat, which had been a challenge ever since he'd gotten his powers. The Avenger's refrigerator was always full; they had groceries brought in daily, and on one floor of the tower, they even grew their own vegetables. He had been banned from that floor after his first visit, however, because according to Ms. Potts letting him loose on it had been like inviting a plague of locusts.
Pietro liked Ms. Potts. She was always asking them if they had everything they needed, even though she knew they did. He also liked Steve, who took him out running every morning. He could do fifty laps around the tower to every one of Steve's, but Steve had at least as much stamina as he did. Afterwards he'd cook breakfast, and they had a bit of a rivalry going on as to who could eat the most eggs. (Ms. Potts had said something about getting chickens, but then she had figured out that it would take an entire floor of the tower to keep a flock large enough to keep up with the Avengers' egg consumption. Stark had bought a chicken farm in upstate New York instead.)
Clint and Natasha were okay. They spent most of their time training or out of the tower, so they mostly saw them at meals. (Both had gone somewhere else for Christmas, just like they had at Thanksgiving.) Doctor Banner kept to himself. Thor spent most of his time moping about some woman who had dumped him, which was a little pathetic.
The only person who lived in the tower who he didn't like was Doctor Samson, mostly because he kept making him and Wanda come to his office, where he'd ask them about things they didn't want to talk about. He would tell them they didn't have to tell him anything they didn't want to, but then he'd ask them the same questions in different ways. He also made them draw pictures, which Pietro didn't like because he wasn't good at drawing, and because he wasn't a little kid. Wanda had said she didn't mind it, because at least then Doctor Samson didn't talk to them. (Also she liked playing head games with the doctor; whatever she drew, she told him that it was another picture of her dancing on Stark's grave.) The last time they'd been in Samson's office, he had tried to get them to play with puppets, which definitely sounded like an activity for little children. He and Wanda had refused to play along.
Wanda still claimed to hate everyone, Tony most of all, but he knew that was a lie. She had been shy around most of them and had spent most of her time watching television, but she didn't seem to mind it when Ms. Potts or one of the others sat down to watch the television with her. She also seemed to have given up on her plans for revenge on Tony after the man had made palacinky for her. He couldn't criticize her for that; Pietro had given up on revenge after the man had bought them hamburgers.
Still, Wanda had been quiet. The only one she spoke more than a few words to at a time, other than Pietro, was JARVIS. At times, Pietro found the bond Wanda had formed with JARVIS odd, considering that he wasn't really a person, but an artificial intelligence created by a man she still claimed to hate.
As lost in his thoughts as he had become, Pietro almost failed to spot his Kiki. Though she would truly have been difficult to miss entirely, considering that she was dressed in what he could only guess was the costume of her homeland. A costume he strongly approved of considering that the lower half seemed to consist of—what would one call those? For some reason, the words "battle panties" came to mind.
"Stark!" Pietro called. "Look! It is Kiki!"
"You don't have to shout. I'm sitting next to you. Now, where do you see her?"
"Up ahead of us. She is wearing some sort of battle-panties, and there is someone with her, but it isn't her brother."
P + L
The traffic had scrawled to a standstill. Tony peered into the crowd of last-minute shoppers ahead of them, and picked out Loki, who was indeed wearing what might be described as "battle panties." Ever since Frigga had threatened her with them, he'd been wondering what battle panties were. It seemed they were some sort of bloomers that were worn with thigh high boots, an armored corset, and a short cape that couldn't be blocking out much of the cold.
The woman with her wore leggings under a miniskirt made from strips of leather. He felt like he'd seen her somewhere, even though she was obviously Asgardian. Maybe she'd been to Earth before, and he'd seen a photo of her in a SHIELD archive?
Tony rolled down Pietro's window and leaned across him to shout at Loki. "Rudolph! Get your ass over here!" Someone wearing a reindeer costume—one of those actors who wandered around Time Square to take pictures with tourists, probably—stopped and turned to look. Tony waved them off. "Not you."
Loki saw them and tapped the shoulder of the woman walking with her. She pointed to Tony, and they both hurried towards the car, which luckily was still stuck in a traffic jam.
The passenger-side back door opened, and they both slid in.
"Who's your friend?" asked Tony.
"This is Sif," Loki told him.
"The same Sif that punched your baby teeth out, and who was going to marry your brother's dad?"
"Yes. Thor has sent her with me as my—"
"Babysitter," the woman said, her voice sour.
"I was going to say my bodyguard, but essentially, yes. Neither of us is happy about it, but All-Father Thor has spoken."
"Wait. All-Father Thor? Holy shit. You guys didn't off your dad, did you?"
"No, that didn't prove necessary. Odin is still alive, but an emergency council of Odin's advisors and several prominent nobles decreed him unfit to rule, after it became apparent that he had finally 'lost his marbles,' as the Midgardian saying goes."
"What did he do?"
"The wedding turned out to be a bit of a bait-and-switch. Once we were there, he tried to force Thor and I to marry one another. It was then revealed that nearly all of Odin's advisors had suspected something to be off about him for a while but had been too afraid to speak up."
"He's not mad," said Sif. "He's just entered his dotage."
"What Sif means is that by all appearances, he seems to be suffering from what your people would term dementia. Thor told us that when he was alone with him after the ill-fated ceremony, he spoke to him as if it were several centuries ago, and he was unaware that Mother had left him."
"Ah, Jeez. I'm sorry, Loki. That has to be rough—but at least it might shed some light on the past few years."
"No, I don't think it does. He has made some questionable judgments, which in my opinion begin with the idea that Thor had been ready to take the throne. But there's no reason to believe that he started experiencing a true decline in his faculties until recently."
"I'm still sorry."
"Save your sympathy for Thor. Odin isn't my father."
"He's still the guy who screwed you up, and isn't that the same thing?" Loki didn't say anything to that. "Anyway, care to explain why you're wearing battle panties in twenty-seven-degree weather?"
"Nanny burned my Midgardian clothing, so I had to borrow one of Sif's old outfits. Obviously, I couldn't wear my own clothes, because they all look like what I wore during the invasion."
"Are you saying that the only color you ever wore was green and all of your hats have cow horns?"
"In Asgard, when you find a look, you stick with it."
"Wait, go back. Who did you say burned your clothes?"
"Her nanny," Sif answered for him.
"You're over a thousand years old and you've still got a nanny in Asgard? Hey, that means my record has been broken. I only had one until I was Pietro's age."
Tony looked at Loki in the rear-view mirror. The lighting in the car was too dim to see it, but he was pretty sure she was blushing. "She hasn't truly been my nursemaid since I was seven centuries old."
"But you did let her give you a bath and put you down for a nap," Sif said, and Tony could hear the smirk in her voice, even if he couldn't see it.
"She was helping me prepare for my wedding."
"Sygn told everyone that you let her send you to the naughty corner, as well."
Clearly, Loki didn't think that was nearly as funny as Sif did. "I've had just about enough of Sigyn's gossiping. If I ever see her again, I'm going to put a hex on her that will make her tongue fall out."
Sif's tone changed. She wasn't teasing anymore. "No you won't, Loki. I know Sigyn's a mean-spirited little witch, but you're not to do anything in retaliation. Am I clear, or am I going to have to make you stand in the corner myself once we arrive at our destination?"
"You can't put me in time out, Sif. You're not my mother, nor are you my sister."
"Thor instructed me to watch over you, and I plan to take my duty seriously."
"Hold on," Tony said. "Are you going to be staying with us from now on?"
"I am sorry for the imposition. Our princess was quite insistent on returning to Midgard, but understandably her brother the king would not allow her to return without a guardian."
"Princess—so Loki got reinstated, huh?"
"Tony and the others at the tower are my guardians,"said Loki, ignoring his question. "Your presence here isn't needed."
"Don't be absurd, Loki. A princess of Asgard is not going to be allowed to reside on another realm without so much as an Asgardian governess."
"Now you're my governess?Sif, we need to get something straight. At most, you are here as my bodyguard. I do not require another nanny."
"I don't know," said Tony. "I'm starting to think my parents had the right idea. You having a nanny to keep you from sneaking off when the rest of us aren't looking might not be the worst idea. You're grounded until New Years, by the way. I was going to tell Thor that he was grounded, too, but obviously he isn't here."
"What does this mean, she is 'grounded?'" Sif asked.
"Not translating, huh? It means she's not allowed to leave the tower, at least not for anything fun or without an escort."
"You have been allowing her to leave your abode on her own?"
Honestly, Tony had been reluctant to let Loki loose on her own at first, but the others had convinced him that Loki needed to have at least a little independence. "She has to tell us where she's going—which has to be within like, a one-mile radius of the tower. Her phone has to be on, and she has to be home before dinner. We don't let her walk around the city by herself at night." Also, Tony had hidden GPS tracking chips inside her cell phone, in the lining of her coat, and in all her shoes, but Loki didn't know that. She also didn't know about the tiny drone he had programmed to follow her and send footage back to JARVIS.
"Insanity! Do you not realize that the princess may still be in danger from the ones that coerced her into attacking your realm?" Tony guessed that now that Thor was king, one of his first acts would have been to set everyone straight on the whole 'Loki's Humiliation in Midgard' story, so he wasn't too surprised that Sif knew about Thanos and his gang. "From now on, I will have the final say on whether Princess Loki is allowed to travel outside your abode, and she will not be leaving it without me."
"That is going to put a hamper on our love life," complained Pietro, who had been listening quietly up until then. Everyone ignored him.
"Tony," whined Loki.
"Look, we'll all sit down and talk about this later, but if this is what Thor, King of Ass-guard wants, I'm not sure I have a right to say no." Also, the woman had been brandishing a sword in the open while walking down Park Avenue. He wasn't sure it would be good for his health to try to keep her from her "duty."
"But Mother left me with you, not with Thor."
"Yeah, and then you decided to take an unauthorized field trip which ended in Thor getting sworn in as king and you reinstated as Princess. You really don't have anyone to blame but yourself for that—and Thor, actually. If he was here, he'd be grounded too. King or not, the next time I see him, he's getting a piece of my mind."
"You won't make me go back to Asgard, will you?"
And there were Loki's insecurities, rearing their ugly head. "Why would I do that?"
"Because I can go back now. Thor would have let me stay if I'd wanted to. He wanted me to stay, but I begged him to let me go back—"
"It is only until you all die," said Sif.
"Just shut up, Sif."
"What? It is the truth, Loki. This man sitting in front of us is going to be dead in what, a decade or so?"
"Personally, I'd like to think I've got more time than that left," said Tony. "But the way I live, you could be right."
Loki made a whining noise that he was pretty sure was the precursor to a crying fit.
"Oh, shit. Loki, I was joking, okay? I'm probably going to live, like, another half century at least."
Loki started bawling hard. Of course, half a century was no time at all to someone who'd already been alive for that and a thousand years.
"Real smooth." Pietro dropped his voice half an octave. "Like butter—"
"Hey, you almost used that phrase right! Good job, buddy. But don't add 'like butter,' and especially not in that tone of voice. Has Pepper been letting you watch soft porn?"
"Stop this crying at once," snapped Sif, but there was something that sounded distinctly like terror in her voice—the terror of someone who, despite having practically declared herself Loki's adult now, probably had less clues than Tony when it came to dealing with kids.
Of course, Loki only cried louder. People on the street were probably hearing her now, taking down their license plate number and calling the police. At least he was in Pepper's car, so as long as they made it home without being pulled over by the cops, she would be the one getting a visit from Child Protective Services. "Hey, Sif? Just don't. Leave her alone, because you obviously don't know how to handle this situation."
"And you think you can make her stop?"
"Ah—" Now that was going to be a little difficult. The traffic had just started moving again.
"Imperious princess of the night," Pietro declared suddenly. "But no, I do not like those lines. Can I say what I always say? I love you, I love you, I love you."
Loki stopped crying, and there was about three full seconds of silence before Sif said, "Is there something wrong with that child, or is my AllSpeak scrambled?"
"There's something wrong with him," Loki and Tony both said together. "Jinx," said Loki, before he could. "Tony, can we watch Singin' In the Rain when we get back the tower?"
Now he was glad he'd brought Pietro along for comic relief. "Not really a Christmas movie, but if you can convince Wanda and Pepper to take a break from their holiday garbage marathon, sure."
He had a feeling that he was going to eventually have to have a talk with Loki about the whole "mortal lives only last so long" business. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe they could never bring it up again, at least until someone was dead or dying. Yeah, that sounded good. Obviously, Loki knew they were all going to die long before her own lifespan was up. If she didn't dwell on it too much, she would be fine, right?
༝﹡˖˟ ⸜₍⁽ˊ꒳ˋ⁾₎⸝ ༝﹡˖˟
Pepper met them downstairs in the lobby, and before Loki could get five feet inside, she had her in her arms, and seemed to be attempting to squeeze her to death. "Don't you ever disappear like that again. Where's your brother? I swear, I could just kill him."
Tony wasn't sure if it was in response to Pepper's death threat to Asgard's king, or if she just objected to Pep's apparent assault on the princess she was sworn to protect, but in a single movement, she had unsheathed her sword.
Tony threw himself between Pepper and Sif. "Whoa there, Xena. You can put that thing away, okay? Pep doesn't mean any harm."
Sif bared her teeth and snarled. "She needs to step away from the Princess."
"A little possessive, are we? Down, girl." Tony had gotten used to Asgardians snarling at each other, or at him for that matter. It was just how they showed dominance. But he wasn't going to roll over and show her his belly, even though she did have a pointy sharp thing, and looked like she was just waiting for an excuse to stick it through his chest.
The arc reactor had stopped Loki from using the glow stick of destiny on him, but he wasn't sure how well it would hold up to whatever material Asgardian swords were made out of. Come to think of it, how had he never asked what material Asgardians usually used for weaponry? He knew that Thor's hammer was made of something called "uru," an extremely rare metal forged from the heart of a dying star or something like that. He doubted Sif's sword was made entirely of the same thing, but the fine piece of workmanship in front of him was perfectly smooth, and probably a hell of a lot sharper than a Ginzu knife. "Hey, what's that made of anyway? Think it could cut through an aluminum can?"
"It is an alloy of uru, silver, and some other metal the dwarf who made it refused to identify. I've never tried it, but I'm fairly certain it could cut through the very fabric of the universe."
"If the secret ingredient is an element found on Earth, I could probably figure it out for you." And if it wasn't, he'd have discovered another element, which could possibly be synthesized and used in his suits. He'd also love to get a better look at anything that contained even trace amounts of the same metal as Thor's hammer, because Thor had refused—repeatedly—to let him take a sample from Mjolnir.
"Get your hands away from my sword, mortal, before I use it to chop them off."
"Sif, do you need to be put in the naughty corner?" asked Loki, her head still resting on Pepper's shoulder.
Sif winced, and then lowered her sword. "I apologize. Loki is right, I should not scold her for making threats and then make them myself when there is truly no call for it." She snorted. "Obviously, as a mortal, you present no threat to me."
"I thought I just heard you say 'Loki is right.' Could you repeat yourself a little more loudly?"
"You heard what I said, Loki. Like they say, even a blind bilgesnipe finds a squirrel once in a while."
Pepper scowled at her. "I'm sorry, who are you? Tony, where's Thor?"
"Apparently, he's been recast," Tony told her.
o( ͡ ° ~ ͡ °)o(== ( 0෴0)
Mortals were strange creatures. Instead of sitting around a fire and telling stories of the great battles they had fought with one another on a feast day's eve, they sat around together, watching recordings of plays with such insipid plots that Loki could have written them. "I suppose it's interesting, how they record them in different locations, instead of having the players stand on a stage."
"Is this the first time you've seen television?" The little red-haired girl named Wanda sat on the floor, her nose inches from the screen, and didn't take her eyes off it even as she asked her question. Sif was reminded of Thor and Loki as children, whenever their father told them tales of the battles he had fought.
"I have only been to your realm once in the last century, and I was a little too busy then, hunting down Thor and fighting an epic battle."
An Asgardian child would have begged to hear more of the battle, but Wanda still seemed to be enthralled by the screen. Sif wondered if she had even heard her answer her question.
"Can I put on Singin' in the Rain now?" Loki asked when the show they had been watching was over. Sif's princess had turned back into a prince and had changed into one of the oddest garments she had ever seen. It was a sort of green jumpsuit with a hood that looked like an alligator's head, which when pulled over the top of Loki's head, made it look like an alligator had swallowed her, or like she was wearing an alligator's skin. At first, she had been worried that Loki meant to put on a pantomime for them, but it seemed that this was meant to be sleepwear, not a costume.
"Howard the Duck's 'Very Ducky' Christmas Special is coming on," said Wanda.
"Wanda, why don't you let Loki put the movie on, and we can record Howard?" Stark's lady suggested.
To Sif's surprise, Wanda nodded meekly in agreement, then got up and disappeared into the kitchen. When Sif had been a child, if ever there had been a dispute about what story to hear next, there would have been a brawl over it. She would have won, of course, and then listened to whatever story she wanted to hear while stringing the baby teeth of her opponents onto a friendship bracelet.
Wanda came back with a bowl of red and green pellets, which she offered to Loki. Loki took a handful. Then, Wanda held the bowl out to Sif. Her confusion must have shown in her expression. "M&M's," Wanda explained. "Chocolates with a candy coating."
None of the words Wanda had just said made sense to her, but Sif took a handful anyway. She took one of the little pellets and held it to her lips tentatively. Then she realized that the entire room was staring at her. Sif wondered if this 'chocolate' was something of an acquired taste, and if they were waiting for her to gag on it. If that was the case, she might as well get it over with.
She popped a pellet in her mouth. It was sweet, and the tiniest bit bitter. "This is the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted." She hadn't meant to speak aloud, but she couldn't help herself—it was that good.
"Wait until you taste the good chocolate," Loki said, his mouth still full of what Sif supposed must be the "bad" chocolate.
"How can anything be better than this?"
"Oh, trust me, it can be much better," said Lady Pepper. "Somewhere around here, we've got some dark chocolate truffles—"
"Pietro ate the rest of them." Wanda glared at her brother, the boy who had called Loki his "imperious princess."
"We'll have to ask Steve to make hot chocolate," said Loki.
"That's a good idea," Lady Pepper agreed. "JARVIS, can you see if the others want to come watch the movie with us?"
✶✧╟╢öωαЯD ε(⊙ )✧✶
"Singin' in the Rain isn't a Christmas movie, is it?" asked Leonard.
"Master Loki requested it," JARVIS told him.
"I'm going to stay here, but you go down if you want," said Bruce, from the same spot on their couch that he had occupied since that morning. "I know I'm not much fun to be around right now."
"If you really don't feel up to it, I'll stay up here with you," Leonard told him. "I'm not going to leave you alone when you're like this. Did you take your medication today?"
Bruce nodded. "I don't think it really does anything. At first, I thought it might be working, but it was probably just the placebo effect. If anything, I feel worse now. I mean, before I wasn't—"
"Clinically depressed? That could be a side effect of the medication. You have another appointment scheduled with Doctor Sofen for next week, right? Maybe you should call and see if you can move the appointment up."
"I tried to call this morning, but her office is closed for the holidays."
"She gave you her cell number for emergencies, right?"
"Yes, but this isn't an emergency. I'll just stop the medication and call her after the holidays are over."
"If you stop taking it altogether, it could make things worse. I'm not familiar with the experimental drug you're taking, so you need to call her and ask her if it's okay to stop taking it or lower the dosage."
"Maybe it's just seasonal affective disorder."
"Have you ever had seasonal affective disorder before?"
Bruce shrugged.
"If you don't feel up to making the call, I'll do it."
"I don't need you to call for me. I just don't think we should bother her on Christmas Eve, when she's probably with her own family. If you're worried about it, I can just keep taking the medication for another week."
"Fine, as long as you promise to make an appointment with her as soon as she's back. Bruce, why don't we go downstairs and watch the movie with everyone else? Just getting out of this room might make you feel better."
"I don't want the others to know there's something wrong, and I don't know if I can pretend right now."
"They're going to know something is wrong if you don't go downstairs," Leonard pointed out. "It isn't necessary for you to pretend everything's okay, anyway."
"I just don't want to ruin Christmas for everyone."
"Everyone here thinks of you as family. They love you, and they're going to understand if you're not feeling well. If you had the flu, would you try to hide it?"
"Maybe not, but I also wouldn't go downstairs and give it to everyone else."
"Your condition isn't contagious. Besides, I can't tell you more than this for patient-confidentiality reasons, but I guarantee you that you're not the only one around here that's feeling down right now. But that might be the reason we have holidays in the winter that are all about gathering with friends and family, eating comfort food, and filling our homes with extra light. We're all just trying to get through the coldest, darkest days of the year, though sometimes it ends up backfiring when we put too many expectations on it—"
"Okay, I get it. I don't need you to go into a monologue about the magic of Christmas."
"It isn't magic, it's psychology. Psychology is a science."
Bruce mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'sort of.' Before Leonard could call him on it, he said, "According to Thor and Loki, magic is science."
"You have seven PhDs, Bruce. I doubt I need to explain false equivalence to you. Now what was that you said about—"
"Let's just go downstairs," Bruce interrupted. "Maybe there are still some of those snickerdoodles Steve made. That candle is just making me hungry."
Leonard bent over the coffee table and blew out the pumpkin butter scented candle that he had lit in an attempt to make things feel a little more festive. "With Pietro around, I wouldn't count on it. I'm sure Steve would make more if we asked, though."
(\
..'..
._.
Steve didn't mind being in the kitchen making hot chocolate and snickerdoodles while everyone else watched the movie. It was nice to feel needed, and he loved to share his mother's family recipes with the others.
Although it might be nice if someone else baked or made hot chocolate for him once in a while. Not that the others were unappreciative or anything. "Steve, could you make more snickerdoodles? Thanks." See? They always thanked him. But now that he thought of it, the 'thanks' always immediately followed the request. They never really gave him a chance to accept or refuse anymore.
Steve wondered if he'd become a little bit of a pushover. If Bucky was here, he would probably laugh at him. No, don't start thinking about Bucky, Steve scolded himself, as he bent over to push another tray of cookies into the overn. After all, Doctor Samson had told him that while it was okay to reminise, he should try to focus on being grateful for what he had in the present. The past couldn't come back. But then, Doc didn't know what he knew—
Steve's train of thought derailed when he realized that Sif, the woman who had come back from Asgard with Loki, stood at the edge of the kitchen watching him. "Is there something I can get you?" Steve asked.
"Are you the only member of the kitchen staff, or do the others have this feast day off?"
"Uh, I'm not—" Okay, maybe he had been letting the others treat him like a servant, and maybe he needed to tell them no every so often. "I mean, we don't really have a kitchen staff, unless you count the people who work in the SI employee cafeteria downstairs. Most of the time we do our own cooking or have food delivered from outside. If you're hungry, by the way, there's still some leftovers from Chef Zemo's in the fridge. We've been ordering from there a lot, since the twins started staying with us. According to them, it's authentic Sokovian food."
"Oh, I apologize." said Sif. "You are one of All-Father Thor's Midgardian allies, then?"
"Steve Rogers." He offered her his hand. She just looked at it. Steve realized he had some flour on his hand anyway, and wiped it on his apron. "Never mind. How do people greet each other in Asgard?"
"Usually with just a nod. Though if I'm addressing a superior, I would also cross my fist over my chest, like this." Sif showed him the gesture.
Steve nodded to her. "Well, welcome to Earth—er, Midgard, I guess."
Sif looked into the pot on the stove, where the hot chocolate was gently simmering.
"You want some?" Steve ladled some into a mug for her, then watched as she lifted the mug to her lips and took a tiny sip.
"Oh my. I think I see why Loki wanted to come back here, and perhaps why he looks a healthier weight than he ever has in his life."
"I wouldn't say that to him if I were you. He's a little touchy about it."
"He's always been a little touchy about everything. He can't possibly think he's fat, though, when he still fits in the clothing I wore when I was no more than eight and a half centuries old—not everyone can have as little body fat as Lady Kelda, after all."Sif said the name with the kind of disdain that in Steve's experience, was usually a cover for jealousy. Which was crazy, because as far as he was concerned, Sif had no reason to be jealous of anyone.
Could be, he was just a sucker for brunettes with accents and no-nonsense attitudes.
"Well, I'm not sure who this Lady Kelda is, but you look like you're a healthy weight to me, and Thor definitely isn't my type." What? Why had he just said that? "I mean, you're more my type." Damn it, Steve, what are you saying? "Sorry, I don't know why I said that. I mean, you are more my type than Thor is. For one thing, I only date women. Not that there's anything wrong with men who do date other men, a couple of my best guy friends are dating each other; but even if I did date men, or if Thor was a woman, I prefer a woman who's not so, uh—tall as Thor. I mean, you're tall, but you're not too tall." Oh God, how was it that he was ninety-five years old, and he still couldn't talk to women?
"Thank you for this delicious beverage," said Sif, as if she hadn't noticed the stream of nonsense that had just come out of his mouth. "Is there anything I can help you with, by the way? It hardly seems fair for you to be laboring in the kitchen while everyone else relaxes."
"That's okay. I've got everything in control in here. You should go enjoy the movie."
As soon as Sif left, Steve realized he hadn't set a timer for the cookies, so he opened the oven to look. This time, when he turned around, he realized that he was being watched by Wanda, whose head had just popped up from the other side of the kitchen island. "How long have you been there?"
"Long enough to see your meet-cute with the Asgardian lady."
"My what?"
"Meet-cute. It is when people in movies or on TV who are destined for each other meet, in a way that is cute or funny."
"I'm not sure that's what that was," Steve told her. "She thought I was Tony's servant, and now she probably thinks I'm an idiot who can't string two words together."
"Like I said, a meet-cute."
|_ (ɔˆ ³(ˆᴗˆc)_|
"Alright, time for all good little boys and girls to go to bed, or Santa Claus won't come," Tony told the three children who had curled up on the rug in front of the television together. Adorable as it was, he was looking forward to finally having some adult eggnog and having a little alone time with Pepper before settling in for a long winter's nap.
All three kids just gave him a funny look, before looking at one another as if to ask if any of the others knew what he was talking about.
"You know, Santa Claus? Big guy with a white beard that brings kids presents on Christmas Eve while they're asleep? Knows if you've been naughty or nice, knows when you're sleeping and when you're awake—"
"He sounds like a stalker," said Wanda.
Now that Tony thought about it, he had to agree. Still— "Oh, come on. Loki, you've been here long enough to know about Santa Claus."
Loki arched an eyebrow at him. "I've also been here long enough to know he isn't real."
Tony knew that all three kids were too old to believe in Santa, but for some reason, it was still a little disappointing to hear Loki say it. It was one of those things that made it hit home for him that as much as he considered Loki and the twins his, he'd missed this entire, completely innocent part of their lives when it would have been possible to convince them that reindeer could fly.
"Now the Yule Goat, on the other hand, is real," said Loki, with an air of absolute certainty.
"Is that the same as the Christmas Goat?" asked Pietro.
"I imagine it could be the same creature."
Sif rolled her eyes. "Loki, you are at least two centuries too old to believe in the Yule Goat."
"If the Yule Goat isn't real, who brought me magic books every year?"
"Frigga, I imagine."
"And who filled my shoes with grapes and nuts?"
"Frigga and Odin, obviously."
"But I've seen him—"
"That was Toothgnasher. Thor used to dress him up for you and tell you he was the Yule Goat. Remember the year we all drank too much wassail, dressed him up like the Yule Goat, and brought him to the Yule Feast for Volstagg's children?"
"But the goat who visited me wasn't Toothgnasher, and I'm going to prove it. I'm going to wait all night on the roof for him to come—"
"Yule has already passed, Loki."
"But Christmas hasn't, and if our Yule Goat is the same as Pietro and Wanda's Christmas Goat—"
"The Christmas Goat isn't real either," said Wanda.
"Then who filled our shoes with chocolate fish every year?" Pietro asked her.
"Our parents, which is why no one has filled our shoes with anything since we were ten."
"Perhaps the Christmas Goat just didn't know where to find us. I am with Loki, I am going to wait all night on the roof and prove to you that the Goat is real."
Part of Tony was delighted that both Pietro and Loki were certain that this Holiday Goat was real. Maybe he hadn't missed their most innocent years after all. On the other hand, he was a little worried that he should be worried about Pietro and Loki developmentally. After all, like Sif had pointed out, Loki especially should have been too old to believe in a goat that left presents in children's shoes—at least the kind of presents that anyone would want to eat. He took a step away and signaled to Leonard that he wanted a word in private.
Leonard followed him out onto the balcony. "Kind of cold out here, Tony."
"Sorry, Doc, but I have to ask. How worried should we be about this Christmas-Yule goat thing?"
"Are you asking if we should be worried about Loki and Pietro because they essentially still believe in their version of Santa Claus?"
"Yeah, that."
Leonard shrugged. "Honestly, I think there's a good chance that Loki's trying to play a trick on us, and that Pietro's just pretending to believe because he has a crush on him."
"But what if it isn't a trick?"
"I'm not really a specialist in child development, but I'm guessing that it's probably harmless. Let them sit on the roof all night, and they'll see that this goat isn't real."
"That seems kind of harsh."
"They'll have to face that reality eventually."
"I know. Maybe next year, though?"
Leonard arched an eyebrow at him. "Tony, what are you thinking?"
"That I'm a billionaire, and there must be some way of renting a goat and having a costume made for it after nine P.M. on Christmas Eve."
"You're really going to rent a goat, dress it up, and tell them it's the Yule Goat?"
"That's what I'm thinking. Unless you think it would be harmful to them—you know, psychologically or whatever."
"I'm not nearly as worried about them as I am about you," said Leonard.
"I just want to make their first Christmas here a good memory, Doc. That's all."
✩*⋆ §・ω・§⋆*✩⋆
"Do you think Loki really believes in this Yule Goat?" Steve asked Sif as she sat at the kitchen table watching him make up a batch of eggnog for the adults. Wanda had already gone to bed, and Loki and Pietro had begun gathering up pillows and blankets and dragging them to the elevator along with the giant beanbag from Loki's room. Tony had given them the go ahead to stake out the Yule Goat on the roof, so long as they wore their coats and promised to come inside to warm up if it got too cold.
"I would like to believe that this is only one of his pranks, but I'm afraid he truly still believes." Sif sighed. "Perhaps it is not my place to say this, but Odin and Frigga have never been the best at imparting disappointing truths to their children. Thor also insisted that the Yule Goat was real until he was nearly as old as Loki is now. It was Fandral and I who had to convince him it was only a story for children, and that was an uphill battle, when Thor was convinced that the All-Mother and the All-Father could not possibly have lied to him."
"Well, maybe he'll stop believing when they've stayed out on the roof all night and the Yule Goat doesn't come." Steve handed Sif a cup of eggnog.
Sif frowned. "It only worries me that the Yule Goat will come, and his belief will be reinforced." She drained her cup in a matter of seconds, and threw the cup on the floor, where it shattered. "ANOTHER!"
"Uh, Sif—that's really not how you ask for a refill here."
"Oh, sorry. Might I have another, please?"
"Sure, just let me get a broom and clean up this broken glass first. Wait—what was that about the Yule Goat coming?"
( ° o °）╯︵｡.ﾟ: ｡ (・_・ヾ
Up on the roof, Pietro and Loki had curled up in Loki's beanbag and buried themselves under several layers of blankets to stay warm. They were both wearing their flannel pajamas and two pairs of socks under their coats, and Pepper had insisted that they put on scarves and mittens as well. Worried that that wouldn't be good enough, she had brought up a portable space heater and two large canteens of hot chocolate. When they were all settled in, she had taken a picture of them with her phone. Loki had given her a dirty look, but their "stakeout" was just too adorable for her to resist.
She returned to the common room to find Tony on his cell phone. "What do you mean, you don't rent the goats? Do you know who I am?"
Pepper took the phone from him. "I'm sorry. Have a wonderful holiday," she said to whoever it was on the other end of the line. She hung up.
"Dang it, Pep. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get someone from the Central Park Zoo on the phone?"
"I feel like we've been over this before, but you can't bully people into doing what you want just because you're Tony Stark."
"I know that, Pep, but everyone has a price, and Tony Stark is able to pay it."
"Tony, you don't need to rent a goat. I'm sure that eventually, Loki and Pietro will fall asleep up there. In the morning we can tell them they missed the Yule Goat. All we need to do is fill their shoes with candy and change some of the tags on the gifts we already got for them."
"But what if they don't fall asleep?"
"Then we'll tell them that the Yule Goat came in through the balcony off the common room, and they missed him or her that way. If you want, we can knock over the satellite dish again to make it more believable."
§・ω・§;; 📡
"It isn't the top of the Empire State Building, but it is still romantic up here with just me and you, don't you think?"
Loki sighed. He really should have expected this. "Pietro, I'm not interested in dating you." He wasn't interested in dating anyone at the moment, even though for the time being, he might be just a little bit in love with Sif. But that was only because he had stupidly let Sigyn convince him to drink a love potion on purpose, after which Sif had been the first person he had seen whom he hadn't grown up believing to be immediate family. So far, he thought he had been doing an excellent job of hiding the fact that all he wanted was to hold Sif's hand and look longingly into her eyes; luckily, after a thousand years, exchanging barbs with the woman had become second nature to him.
"You will change your mind, someday."
There was something so hopeful in Pietro's voice that Loki couldn't bring himself to argue with him further. "I suppose it's possible that someday, I'll go completely out of my mind," he muttered.
The edge of Pietro's mouth quirked upward triumphantly. "Wanda often tells me that I make her go out of her mind. Perhaps I will have the same effect on you."
Loki was certain that Pietro already had that effect on him, but he decided to keep that to himself. Later, when Pietro snuggled closer to him, Loki allowed it—not because he particularly wanted to snuggle with Pietro, but because it was twenty-five degrees outside, and even with all his layers and the space heater nearby, his cheeks were starting to feel numb.
❅ •º •❅ º •º ❅ •º •❅
"Someone should check on the boys before we go to bed."
Tony leaned in and gave Pepper a kiss on the cheek. "Sure, I'll be right back."
When he got up to the roof, he could hear snoring. Pep must have been right, which she usually was. They'd already fallen asleep. He tiptoed closer to take a look and make sure that the space heater was still on and they had enough blankets. When he got close enough, he realized that Loki was still awake.
"Hey Lokes," he said softly, trying not to wake up Pietro. "How's the stakeout going?"
"I don't think he's coming. Usually, he would have come by now."
"Yeah, but that was in Asgard, right? Maybe New York is just farther down in the Yule Goat's list of stops."
"I wish you wouldn't encourage him," said a voice from the shadows, making him jump. Of course, Sif had been up on the roof the entire time. Thor had sent her to be Loki's guard dog, and she wasn't going to let him out of her sight.
Pietro's head was on Loki's shoulder. He still didn't want to wake him up, but Tony scowled at him anyway. He crouched down by Loki. "I'm sure the Yule Goat will come, but maybe he doesn't want to come when you're awake."
"He's never waited for me to be asleep before," Loki argued. "I mean, he didn't come last year or the year before, but I thought that was because—"
"Because?"
Loki locked eyes with the cement of the roof in front of him. "I assumed that he hadn't come the last couple of years because I had been bad. This year, I thought I had behaved myself well enough, but now that I think of it—"
"Wait—you think the Yule Goat didn't come the last two years, and isn't coming this year because you were bad?"
"I mean, I haven't murdered anyone this year, but I do get in trouble a lot."
Tony couldn't really argue with that; Loki did seem to find a new way to get himself grounded at least once a month. He patted Loki on the shoulder. "Hey, you're still a good kid, Lokes. I'm sure the Yule Goat knows that." Damn it, why had he listened to Pepper? If he had kept looking, he was sure he could have found someone to rent a goat from.
Sif cleared her throat, drawing their attention. "And I am sure that the only reason he didn't come the last two years was because he did not know where to find you. Perhaps last year he knew but understood he would not be able to visit you in prison."
Tony wondered why Sif had suddenly changed her tune. He arched an eyebrow at her, but she only shrugged. Tony grabbed Loki's thermos. "Hey Lokes, I'm going to go get you some more hot chocolate, okay? Sif, why don't you come keep me company?"
Sif followed him to the elevator. "What was that about?" he asked her once the doors had closed. "I thought you didn't want me to encourage him."
"I'm not completely heartless, you know. And it struck me that perhaps, Loki knows that the Yule Goat is not real after all."
"Yeah, you're going to have to explain that one."
"I think that perhaps, Loki knows it was always his brother's goat."
"Then why would he be upset that—oh." So that was it. Loki knew that the Yule Goat wasn't real. This was just his holiday tradition with his brother. Thor dressed up his goat, and Loki pretended to believe it was the Yule Goat. Thor had dropped the ball.
"I am certain he's only forgotten, with all of the responsibilities that have been thrust on him. Or perhaps he assumed that Loki had finally outgrown visits from the Yule Goat. I doubt it has anything to do with Loki's behavior." She snorted. "After all, that has never stopped Thor from indulging his every whim in the past."
The door of the elevator opened out onto the common room, which was dark other than a couple of lights in the kitchen. Tony took the milk out of the refrigerator and found a small saucepan to make a single serving of hot chocolate. He had seen Steve make it from scratch often enough, and he wasn't going to give Loki Swiss Miss when he clearly needed the real thing.
ⅽ[ː̠̈ː̠̈ː̠̈] ͌
According to the lock screen of Loki's smart phone, it was nearly four in the morning. He might have given up on the Yule Goat and gone inside, but Pietro had fallen asleep leaning against him, and while normally, he would have pushed him off without a second thought, it was the Yuletide after all. (And maybe, just maybe, he was feeling the tiniest bit sorry for the boy, now that he knew what it was like to have all sorts of squishy feelings for someone who would never return them.) Anyway, it was a beautiful night, or at least what passed for a beautiful night in a city with so much light pollution that you couldn't see a single star. But there was something enchanting about the city lights all on their own, and from the top of Avenger's tower, you could see all of Manhattan and a rather large swath of New Jersey whenever the sky was clear. Loki peered out in the direction of Rockefeller Center—
When what did he spy from the Tower of Stark,
But a prismatic flash o'er the Pond at Central Park.
And hearing a bleat that was so deep of throat,
He knew in a moment it must be the goat!
Loki lifted his binoculars up to his eyes to confirm that he had seen what he thought he had seen. At the same time, the door opened behind him, and he heard Tony's voice. "Loki, look who's here—it's the Yule Goat!"
"Yes, I know," said Loki, without turning around.
"MAAAA," said Tony.
"Oh, that's a good idea. Perhaps if we make goat sounds, she will be sure to find us—MAAA! MAAA!"
"Uh, Lokes—"
"What's going on?" asked Pietro, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"The Yule Goat has made an appearance, and we are making goat noises in order to attract her to the roof."
"Is that why Tony has a goat wearing a Santa Claus hat?"
Loki finally turned around to see Tony, holding a lead with a tawny colored goat attached to it. The goat was indeed wearing a Santa Claus hat as well as what appeared to be the skirt from their Christmas tree and an annoyed expression. "Tony, why do you have a goat?"
"It's the Yule Goat, obviously."
"That isn't the Yule Goat. The Yule Goat is white of fur, with a full beard. Also, she is currently flying over the Diamond District."
Tony handed the goat's lead to Pietro and Loki handed him the binoculars. "Holy shit, there's a goat flying towards us, wearing a much higher quality costume than I was able to come up with at four in the morning on Christmas. I hope you appreciate, by the way, that I had to call every goat farm in a hundred mile radius of the city—and there are more of those than you would think, what with this urban farming trend—before I found someone who didn't immediately hang up on me and was willing to rush order a goat at two-thirty in the morning on Christmas."
"Don't get me wrong, Tony, I am touched. I believe my heart has grown three sizes, just listening to your story."
"You should be touched, damn it. Do you have any idea what Pepper's going to do to me when she finds out I went behind her back and bought a goat? And just to be clear, I did buy this goat, because apparently, goat rental isn't really a thing after midnight on the day you need the goat."
"I'm sorry, Tony, if I sounded insincere. I truly appreciate your efforts." And he truly did; after all, Odin would never have dressed a goat up in a Christmas tree skirt for him.
"See, you still sound a little insincere, though—"
"I can't help it; that's just what I sound like."
"MAAA!" agreed Tony's goat.
The goat's cry was answered by a loud bleat that echoed across the rooftop, and a moment later, they were bathed in a rainbow light. Loki looked up, and above them, the Yule Goat hung in the air.
Her eyes—how they twinkled! Her muzzle, how merry!
Horns twisted like seashells, nose pink like a berry!
Her tongue, it lolled out like the tail of a bow,
And the beard on her chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe she held tight in her teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled her head like a wreath—
"That goat doesn't have a pipe," Pietro pointed out. "Also, smoking is very bad for you."
"Sorry, was I talking out loud?" asked Loki.
"Yes," said Pietro and Tony together.
The Yule Goat landed on the roof with another happy bleat, and Loki ran to her to see what she had for him in the pack she carried on her back. He opened it up and pulled out a bag filled with grapes, nuts, and some of the little spice cookies that he and Thor used to sneak from the kitchen every Yule's Eve, unable to wait until the next day for them. He handed the bag to Pietro. "You can have the grapes and nuts, but the cookies are mine. If you eat even one, I'll murder you and no one will ever find your body." He then pulled out three large packages wrapped in gilded paper and handed two of them to Pietro.
"What does that writing say?" asked Pietro, narrowing his eyes at their rune inscribed gift tags.
"To Pietro from the Yule Goat, and to Wanda from the Yule Goat."
"But which is which?"
Loki was too busy ripping into his own present to answer. "Ooh, a copy of the Necronomicon—and look, it's a first edition!"
*⋆*§・ω・§✩.✩§・ω・§⋆*
"Did you have a good Christmas?"
Loki nodded sleepily as he curled against Tony on the couch. Even though he had been up nearly all night waiting for the Yule Goat, all three kids had been up bright and early to open their presents. Which, to be fair, might have been because in his own excitement Tony had woken them all up and attempted to drag them into the common room so that Christmas could get started. Also, Wanda might have used her witch powers to slam the door in his face while cussing him out in Sokovian.
"Did you get everything you wanted?" asked Tony. "You know, other than thirty million dollars a month tax free in a Swiss bank account, encompassing power over every living thing in the universe, and revenge against your enemies?" Of course, Tony had done his best to spoil all three of the kids he was now responsible for with gifts of new clothing and electronic gadgets. Pepper had insisted on both labeling and color coding the kid's gifts: green for Loki, red for Wanda, and blue for Pietro. And while at the time he had felt that to be as unnecessary as the time she had spent an afternoon affixing little labels to clear bins of pasta and cereal, he couldn't deny feeling a sense of satisfaction as he surveyed the green, red, and blue post-Christmas morning devastation that was now the Avenger's common room.
"Almost," said Loki, his eyes closed. "I was kind of hoping that the Yule Goat would bring me the antidote to a Vanir love potion—"
"And why would you need that?" Loki shrugged, and Tony decided that he probably didn't want to know. Taking one more look around the room, he spotted a single present still hiding in plain sight under the tree. It wasn't one he remembered wrapping, but this one was in green paper, so it must have been for Loki. "Hey, it looks like you missed one—"
"WOOF!"
Had it been his imagination, or had that present just barked?
Suddenly, Loki was wide awake. "You got me a puppy?"
"Uh—" Not that he knew of. He looked around at Pepper and the other adults, but they all just shrugged. Of course, no one present would have gotten Loki a dog without discussing it with the others. Which meant it had to have been Clint or Natasha, either or which he could see doing something like that just to screw with him. Whichever one of them it had been, he was going to kill them.
Loki opened the top of the box, and the head of what appeared to be a black pit bull puppy popped out. Tony couldn't get too good of a look though, because Pietro and Wanda had gotten up to crowd around Loki and the mystery gift.
"What's wrong with its eyes?" asked Wanda.
"There's nothing wrong with them," Loki told her. "Having ocular albinism doesn't make one evil, you know. Besides, I've saw your eyes flash the same color this morning, after Tony tried to wake you up."
"Dogs with albinism have blue eyes, not red," said Bruce, though he barely seemed interested. Tony wasn't sure if he hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before or what, but he'd been acting lackadaisical all morning, and "lackadaisical" wasn't a word Tony used lightly (or much at all). "They also don't typically have black fur. If its eyes really are red, someone should take it to the vet, because it might have hyphema."
"What are you going to name him?" asked Pietro.
"I shall call him Thori," said Loki. "What do you think of that, Thori?"
"Not Thori. Death Ripper," said the dog.
Tony stared into his coffee. He didn't remember spiking it, nor did he remember taking any hallucinogenic drugs before breakfast. The dog jumped out of Loki's arms and ran straight for the tree. "Hey, he better not lift his leg in here—"
But instead of lifting his leg to mark the tree, flames shot out of Thori-Death Ripper's mouth.
"Uh—bad dog—" Tony and the kids just stared at the bonfire that had been their tree. Pepper had dropped her coffee cup, and Leonard had leapt up to get out of the way of the splash. Bruce continued to drink his own coffee, still seeming only marginally aware of what was going on. That was probably for the best, since the only thing that could have made things worse was a raging Jolly Green all up in the middle of things. Steve ran for the kitchen, but before he got back with the fire extinguisher, the sprinklers in the ceiling turned on.
"Sir, I have taken the liberty of initiating emergency measures," JARVIS informed him.
"We noticed," said Tony, water dripping from his hair and the end of his nose. "Thanks, J."
When the flames had been doused, the sprinklers shut off. Loki, who like all of them looked like she had gone swimming in her pajamas, crouched down and fished a limp piece of paper from the bottom of the now soggy gift box. "'Dear Father, Happy Yuletide. Hope to see you soon. Hugs and kisses, Hela.'"
Fantastic. Loki's daughter had gifted him with a literal Hel hound, which was probably going to burn down the tower with them in it, and then they would all be seeing the overseers of their respective afterlives. The flame-thrower dog shook the water from its coat, burped a smoke ring, and jumped onto the coffee table. Before Tony could decide whether he should look for a soda can to fill with pennies or call for his suit, Sif, who like Bruce had only been watching quietly until then, stood, drew her sword, and pointed it at the dog.
"Off," Sif commanded, and the dog jumped off the table. "Now sit, or I shall send you back whence you came."
The dog sat, looking up at Sif adoringly. "Will you be my mistress?" it asked, and Tony decided right there and then that for New Years, he was giving up, alcohol, all pharmaceuticals, and just for good measure, caffeine.
❆(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ✩由˚
Author's Note:
The movie that Pepper and the Twins were watching at the beginning of the chapter was a Hallmark movie from 2012 called Holly's Holiday.
Thori is from the comics, and he's probably the most in-character character I've written so far.
Thank you for reading, and Happy Holidays!