Author's Note to Self: This joke is getting old.
Author's Real Note: Well we're just about to hit the halfway mark, and I want to tank all my loyal readers and reviewers. I never would have made it this far without you. I'd also like to thank my producer, Buddy Epstein, my agent Carla Greenspan, the cast, the crew, J.C. the penny, not the Messiah, and my lovely wife Florence who without whom I'd be lost. I love you honey. Just kidding I'm not married. Anyway, like I said I think we've hit the half way mark but I'm really not sure, because to be honest I'm making this all up as I go. I do know that there are a lot of writing styles I still want to poke fun of, and I'm trying to get out of writing a sequel. Not because I don't think people will read it, but because I am laaaaaaaaaazy. Once again God Bless the IMDB! Also I proofread chapters 0-5 and fixed the missing words, double words, and missing lines, you know like a real writer. So now it's easier to read. Sorry it took so long :(
Disclaimer: You know what. I don't own any of these characters and I'm not going to spend the hours it would take to look up who they belong to so just go ahead and sue me. You can have my broken TV, my used computer, my comic book collection and the $3.95 in my checking account.
Previously on Buffy the Cliché Slayer.
"Xander, I think I'm pregnant." Anya said. "And it's not yours. It's Andrew's."
"No." Xander chews on his fist.
BUM BUM BUM!
"Doctor is there anything you can do?" Buffy asked.
"I'm sorry, Ms. Summers, unless Angel gets a second stomach, his regular stomach will explode and he'll die."
"Give him mine!" Buffy cried.
"I'm sorry, Angel has a rare blood type, only a family member can donate their stomach."
"Then give him mine!"
"Spike?"
"I am his father after all."
BUM BUM BUM!
"I want to be in this fic." Lindsey stated holding a switch that is connected to the dynamite strapped to his chest.
BUT YOU'RE AN ANGEL CHARACTER. THIS IS A BUFFY FIC,
"So, you're doing a crossover chapter."
YEAH, BUT AN ANGEL/BUFFY X-OVER? THAT'S KIND OF CLICHE, DON'T YOU THINK?
"Cliché this." Lindsey said as he switched the switch. The Magic Box blows up.
BUM BUM BUM!
And now...
Buffy the Cliché Slayer
Chapter 6
"The Dork Age"
The sky opened inside the living room of Giles's apartment, and Giles fell out of the portal and onto his old couch. He looked around, and smiled.
"I'm home, well not home, home, since I'm still in Sunnydale, which is supposed to be a hole in the ground, but home none the less. This dimension doesn't seem all that bad actually." The British man said aloud and reclined on his sofa. Just then there was a knock at the door.
"I wonder who that could be." Giles said.
He got up from his comfortable spot, and answered the door, a mousy, but very attractive, young woman stood there in a sweater and a skirt,
"Hi, is Willow here? Angel lost his soul again, and we need her to get it back." She said.
"No, I'm sorry, who are you?"
The girl looked embarrassed.
"I'm sorry I'm Fred, I work for Angel Investigations. I was hoping to get in contact with Willow in order to get Angel's soul back, and then she can bring Buffy, and the rest of her gang to L.A. to fight some big bad that nobody's ever heard of, but incidentally is stronger than any big bag they've fought on both shows." Fred said.
"Um, Willow isn't here, but you can come in and peruse my library for a cure, if you'd like." Giles offered.
He escorted the girl inside, and closed the door behind him.
"That works too I guess." The young girl said.
"Can I get you some tea?" Just then another there was another knock at the door.
"Another visitor?" Giles thought.
He opened the door to see a small young boy with glasses and a wand standing at his door.
"'Ello, my name is 'arry Po'er. I'm a wizard from 'ogwartz. I was wonderin' if Dawn was 'ere. It appears that she's a wizard too, and she's been livin' 'ere amongst the Muggles. I came to take 'ere back to 'ogwartz so we could play Quidditch." The young boy said with a thick cockney accent, and a crackling voice that had not quite reached puberty.
"I had no idea what you just said." Giles confessed. "And I'm from the same country."
Just then, Fred who was looking around the house noticed a gold ring on Giles's coffee table.
"Ooo this is pretty, where did you get it?" She asked.
"Oh that, I bought it at a Flea Market a couple years ago. Usually I don't like jewelry, but I thought why not? It's just one ring." Giles said.
"One ring to destroy them all!" A voice boomed dramatically. Suddenly there was a huge gust of wind and an old wizard in grey robes appeared.
"I'm Gandalf. Previously Gandalf the Grey, Then I was Gandalf the White. Before both of those I was Gandalf the Shakespearean Actor Who has been Reduced to Playing in Sci-Fi/Fantasy Movies, I tampered with G-Diddy for a while, and after that I toyed with $, or the wizard formally known as Gandalf. I came here to charge you with a quest, and cab fare for the ride home. You must gather seven warriors to take the ring and throw it into the fires of the Hell mouth."
"I really don't have time for that." Giles protested.
"You're a wizard? What school are you from?" Harry asked.
Before the confused wizard could answer, a set of claws sliced a man-size hole in Giles right wall.
"What in the bloody hell!"
A man with a ridiculous haircut and claws stepped through the hole and into Giles's living room.
"I'm lookin' for Buffy Summers, bub. Cerebro picked up her mutant signature, so Prof. X sent me here to come and take her to his school for gifted youngsters. Apparently her slayer strength is a mutant power, also as a side not, vampires are really mutants, but that has nothing to do with anything. "Said the Canadian-Australian mutant,
(Geeky Foot Note: Wolverine is from Canada, Hugh Jackman is from Australia.)
"She's not here! Couldn't you have used the door? My God, man! It's wide open." Giles yelled.
"Name's Wolverine, I make my own doors. Bub." The gruff mutant said.
"I didn't ask for your name. Who do you think you are breaking into people's houses?"
"I'm the best at what I do."
"That doesn't even make any sense."
"I know, but I've been saying it for years." Wolverine said sadly.
"Is this one of the warriors for your quest, Giles?" Gandalf asked.
"Magneto!" Wolverine snarled, and lunged at the wizard. The two began to tear up Giles's living room in a destructive fight sequence so violent that if this were a serious fic I would describe it wholly in graphic detail, but since this is a humor fic you'll have to take my word that it was really cool. Just then a bright light entered the room as Marilyn Manson's wife, Sam from Who's the Boss, and the lesbian daughter from Picket Fences "orbed" into the room.
"Now what?" Giles groaned.
"Hi, were looking for Willow." Phoebe said.
"And you are of course?"
"The Charmed Ones." The girls said in unison.
"Of course you are."
"We want Willow to be the fourth charmed one to replace Brenda...I...ah mean Pru." Piper explained.
"Of course, that is only if she changes her name to something that starts with a P. I was thinking she could call herself Pillow." Paige said.
"Right, I'll be sure to give her that message when she returns."
Bring, Bring the phone began to ring.
"Oh Bloody Hell" Giles cursed exasperatiously, (also not a real word.) and picked up the receiver.
"Hello, Rupert Giles speaking."
"Giles, this is Morpheus. I'm called to tell you about the Matrix."
"No thank-you, I've already got a long distance carrier, please take me off your call list." Giles said and hung up the phone.
Suddenly the guy from Edward Scissorhands crashed through Giles's window with an eye patch and a dagger in his mouth.
"Avast, it is I. Captain Jack Sparrow. Steve-0 hasn't seen this movie yet, but he wants too! Arg."
"You just broke my window! And you can't park a pirate ship in my yard!"
"Why not?"
"Well, one, it's not physically possible."
"Arg anything's possible for a Pirate of the Caribbean. Like I said Steve-0 hasn't seen the movie yet."
Giles slumped down into the couch and buried his head in his hands.
"This is ten times worse than any nightmare I could ever dream of."
He then felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to see a serious-looking man and woman staring blankly at him.
"Rupert Giles, I'm Agent Mulder, this is my partner Scully. We'd like to investigate a rash of supernatural happenings here in Sunnydale, before those bastards from Poltergeist: The Legacy and Psi-Factor beat us to it." Said the tall thin guy from the Red Shoe Diaries. (Not that I watch that show or anything.) Before Mulder could start his line of questioning, his head was sliced off from behind with a quick flick of a sword. Mulder fell to the ground revealing an Italian Scotsman standing over his corpse.
"W-Who are you? W-What do you want?" Giles asked nervously
"I am Duncan MacLeod, born of the Highland MacLeods. I am an immortal. There can be only one."
Just then Duncan felt the click click of a pair of handcuffs on his hands.
"Duncan MacLeod, I'm Agent Finn from Crime Scene Investigation: Miami, you're under arrest for mass murder and multiple beheadings."
"There can be only one! There can be only one!"
"Yeah, tell it to the judge, you sick &#."
Just then Spiderman swung in through the hole that Jack Sparrow made in the window.
"Greetings citizen, I'm your friendly, neighborhood Spiderman."
"I wasn't aware my neighborhood had a Spiderman." Giles answered.
"Actually you don't. I'm from NY, but I was wondering if Buffy wanted to join my superhero team."
"Who's on it?"
"Let's see, there's me, Batman, Daredevil, the three Supermen."
"Three Supermen?"
"Comic book, Movie, and Tom Welling"
"That's quite a group you have."
"Yeah, except for the fact that all Tom Welling is good for is running over bad guys with Movie Superman's wheelchair."
Just then to escape the hellfire I'm feeling for that last joke. The roof of Giles's house was lifted off by a huge pair of robotic hands.
"Oh God, it's the Sentinels!" Wolverine screamed and hid behind Spiderman.
"What are you worried about? You're the most over-hyped mutant in history."
"That doesn't change the fact that my only mutant power is growing my fingernails really long, and taking my shirt off to heal myself."
Once the roof was pulled all the way off it did not reveal a Sentinel, but another giant robot known as...
"Optimus Prime!" Everyone, but Giles shouted in disbelief.
"That's right. My buddies, Godzilla, and the Power Rangers Mega-zord wanted to give you this book, Giles, for being such a gracious host."
The robot said handing down a tiny book in between his two fingers. It was regular-sized to Giles.
"Thank-you. Or I guess as they would say in your language Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto." Giles said graciously as he accepted the book.
"No problem. Auto-bots roll out!" The robot said and transformed into a Mack truck.
"Oh God I'm starting to sound like Xander. I need to get out of here. Oh this book's titled Songfic."
Giles noted. "I guess we're overdue for another musical." He shrugged, opened the book, and was sucked inside.
The x-over characters, who had multiplied in the past 30 seconds, stared at the book in confusion.
"Well what do we do now?" asked Spiderman.
"We could start a wrestling federation." Suggested the Rock, who was also here for what he thought might have been a Mummy crossover.
"No!" Everyone shouted in unison.
"Um guys, I think I just sat on a Smurf." Fred said.
"...Kill...me..." Eked out Papa Smurf who was now a blue and red smear on Fred's skirt.
TO BE CONTINUED
NEXT WEEK: Buffy explores AUs, while Spike gets in touch with his sensitive side. And Xander and Anya notices everyone's acting a little out of character.