Author's Note: High B flat.

Author's Real Note: I have an editor! Uber-props to babies-stole-my-dingo, who has agreed to format my stories. Thanks, Julie! This fic is sort of a combination of the Angst, Waff, and High school AU genres all wrapped up in your basic Buffy/Spike package. I wanted to do a chapter on each, but didn't have enough material, so I just combined them into one big ship fic. So rejoice, all you Spuffy fans (and Kay who requested it), because this fic's for you.

Buffy the Cliche Slayer

Chapter 8: I Was born to Wuv U

Steve-0, Angel, Indiana Jones, and Lindsey were all inside the Magic Box watching the time go by.

THIS FIC IS TAKING FOREVER TO FINISH.

"I know--it's like on of those Saturday Night Live sketches. It's like it just goes on and on. The same joke over and over again," Angel said.

OKAY, I GOT IT.

There was an awkward silence.

"You know the last chapter wasn't as good as the one before it," Angel noted.

I NOTICED THAT. IT'S SORT OF LIKE YOU KNOW HOW SEASON THREE WAS AWESOME, BUT THEN SEASON FOUR KIND OF SUCKED, BUT IT HAD ITS GOOD POINTS TOO. YEAH, WELL...I THINK CHAPTER SEVEN WAS MY SEASON FOUR.

"Oh. Hey, wait a minute--Season Four didn't have any good points!" Angel said after a brief pause of recognition.

"Neither did chapter seven," Lindsey quipped.

I'M STILL IN THE ROOM, YOU KNOW!

"Let's just hope you don't write a chapter that's like Season Six. Because the last time I checked you still had readers," Angel said.

OH! HEY, LOOK, SPIKE'S IN THE CRYSTAL BALL.

"Lawn ornament," Angel corrected.

WHATEVER.

The sky opened up inside of Spike's crypt. Spike fell out of it and landed on a hard, stone slab.

"Ouch! Bloody hell! Haven't you ever heard of a pillow factory? You copyright-infringin' wanker!" Spike cursed up at the sky. His rant was interrupted by the sound of a soft sobbing originating from behind him. Spike turned to see an alternative version of himself lying in the fetal position, and cradling a cell phone.

"Why? Why hasn't she called?" He whined and sniffled.

He looked exactly like Spike, but he was much younger, and he wore a prep school uniform. Spike walked over to his younger alternative self, and placed his hand on his shoulder. "Why hasn't who called?" he asked, morbidly curious.

"Buffy!" he wailed. "I gave her my number! She knows I'm here! Why hasn't she called? I bet you she's with that Angel git. He's the captain of the football team, and I'm just the sensitive, loner-type poet."

"Dear God, I've wandered into a John Hughes movie," Spike muttered to himself. "Okay, Nancy-boy, up you go. Now you want to tell me why you're lying on the floor here like some sniveling puppy?" Spike asked as he helped Wuss Spike up off the floor.

Wuss Spike sniffed a few times then wiped his nose with his sleeve. "Okay, so there's this really cute head cheerleader named Buffy that I like, see? And I think she likes me too, but her friends and parents don't like me, because I'm from the wrong side of the tracks. Right?"

"Sounds vaguely familiar; go on," Spike said, as he arched a brow.

"Well, then there's Angel, her football player ex-boyfriend, who is always picking on me because I'm not popular. He wants to win Buffy back, but Buffy is unsure of her feelings, and--"

"All right, stop!" Spike interrupted. "Do you want to know how this plays out? Buffy chooses neither of you. She doesn't choose Angel, because she's smart enough to spot a relationship that goes nowhere when she sees one; and, let's face it, she's been playing us...err...I mean you like a fiddle from the get-go," Spike said, disgusted by the fact that he could actually see himself in this pathetic wanker.

"S-She doesn't return my love in the end?" Wuss Spike whimpered.

"No! You dumb sod! She didn't return your love from the beginning! What makes you think she'll return it in the end? You could literally lay down your life for the woman, and she still wouldn't care! Sure she'll say she loves you, but that's just so you'll put on a pretty trinket and blow yourself up to avoid Hell on Earth! Now where's Drusilla? I was told this was a waif fic! So where are all the pale sickly women at?" Spike shouted.

Wuss Spike just stared at him. His eyes welled with tears, and his lower lip quivered. Finally, Wuss Spike burst into tears. "If I can't have Buffy then I want to die!" he cried, returning to his fetal position.

"Oh come on, get up. It's not all bad. In the future you might get to boff some geeky scientist from LA," Spike added helpfully.

"I don't care! All I want is Buffy!" he managed to eke out between heavy sobs.

"I'm in hell. I've died and gone to hell," Spike mumbled to himself. He decided that if he was going to get any help at all from this kid, then it was time to change tactics. He walked over to Wuss Spike's side, knelt down next to him, and grabbed the whelp by his throat. "Look, mate, I'd like to stay and help you through this, as much as I'd like to have little metal slugs crawl into my eyes and bore holes in my brain. So if you could please tell me where I can find a magical book, I'd be much obliged," Spike said, changing his tone to a more violent and threatening one.

"I heard one materialized in the library at the high school," the scared teen managed to choke out.

"Good." Spike released him. "Tell me you still have a bike that'll get me there out back."

"Motorcycles are too dangerous, but you can borrow my mom's station wagon. The keys are in the ignition," Wuss Spike said helpfully. Spike gave him a strange look. "I don't really live in this crypt, I just like to cut class, and come here to cry sometimes," he explained.

"Whatever. A word of advice, though: just let her go, man. It'll be a lot easier on us in the long run," Spike said as he started to exit the crypt.

"Thank you, strange man who came out of the sky. I'll be sure to write a poem about our encounter," Wuss Spike called out as he left.

The first thing Spike noticed when he went outside was that it was mid-afternoon. The second was that the sun hadn't turned him to dust.

"What the hell?" Spike said, shielding his eyes from the sun's bright rays.

THAT'LL BE MY DOING, Steve-0 yelled into the crystal ball...er...um...lawn ornament.

"You made me human?" Spike asked in disbelief.

WELL, NO. BUT I DID MAKE IT SO THE SUN DIDN'T TURN YOU TO DUST.

"Thanks mate." Spike smiled. Maybe this fanfic-hopping thing wasn't so bad after all, he thought.

ACTUALLY I DID IT SO IT WILL MAKE SENSE THAT YOU COULD GO TO THE HIGH SCHOOL WHILE IT WAS IN SESSION AND NOT BE A PILE OF DUST.

"You know, I'm not telling you how to do your job or anything, but since you're working this whole lovey-dovey, teenage angst angle, you just might make it the night of the prom," Spike suggested.

OOO. I LIKE THAT BETTER.

In a blink of an eye, Spike was standing in the middle of the paper-streamered Sunnydale High School Gymnasium as "My Heart Will Go On" was playing in the background. He was decked out in a tux and his hair was all slicked back.

"Me and my big, bloody mouth," he muttered.

"Spike!" a voice called out from the crowded sea of formal wear. Spike saw two teens that looked like Xander and Dawn approach him.

"Oh, Spikey-poo, I heard about my mean old sister standing you up for prom. Are you okay?" Dawn cooed.

"What do you care, niblet?" Spike scowled.

"Why, 'cause I'm your best friend, silly." Dawn laughed. "We share a strong emotional bond, even though I hated you through most of Season Seven."

"Spike. You're hurting. Let me comfort you," Xander said, with a silky and sincere voice.

"Are you daft?"

"You're in pain, I know. I feel it. Let me hold you, 'til it melts away."

"No!"

"C'mon, I'm not gay or nothing; I just want to hold you," Xander said, moving in towards Spike with his arms outstretched.

"Sod off!"

Spike blew past the two teens, and out the doors of the gym. He didn't pause to look back as he bee-lined his way to the library. There, glowing and floating in the middle of the room was a book entitled "Silly-Fic."

"Any place is better than this sappy hellhole," Spike said as he practically dove into the book.

Once he was sucked in, the book fell to the floor.

"Spike!" Buffy rushed into the library in a big, pink, ugly prom dress. "Spike, I've had an epiphany! You're my one true love! I want to stay with you forever! Spike? Spike?" Buffy looked around, but all she saw was the book.

TO BE CONTINUED

Next time: Xander and Anya go OC. Willow and Giles sing off key. And Buffy and Spike get Silly.