AN: An article that is placed before a noun beginning with a vowel.

Author's Note: This was originally supposed to be chapter 10, but the writer's block I'm experiencing on how to write chapter 9, combined with the hectic schedule I'm keeping, forced me to switch them around in order to keep the updates flowing faster. Don't worry--Chapters 3-11 follow a distinct pattern so that it doesn't matter what order you read them in.

Disclaimer: I disclaim that I have ever written a songfic even in parody. If you confront me on it I will deny, and then accuse you of writing it yourself and using it to frame me. Oh and "Baby One More Time" probably belongs to whoever owns Britney Spears' label. And that's probably Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness.

Buffy the Cliche Slayer
Chapter 9
"Bad Candy"

The sky opened up over the stage of the Bronze, and Willow and Giles fell out. A set of three chords sounded in the background.

Ba bum bum.

"Willow?" Giles adjusted his glasses to make sure he was seeing clearly.

"Giles?" She squinted in disbelief.

OH BABY BABY

It was a re-verbed ominous voice that wasn't mine even though it is in capital letters and that's usually how I indicate that I'm speaking, but this is a parody of a songfic and most songfic lyrics are expressed in caps, so don't get confused because I'm not in this chapter, and hey while we're at it do you think this constitutes a run-on sentence?

"What was that?" Willow's voice held a hint of fear.

"It sounded like singing," Giles said as he began to walk over to comfort the young witch. Unfortunately, after he took a few steps he was struck immobile.

Ba bum bum.

OH BABY BABY

"What is it, Giles?" Willow asked.

"I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen to the spot." Giles said, as he started towards Willow again. And then he was halted--again.

OH BABY, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

"God, what is that hideous sound? It sounds like a cat retching up a hairball," Giles said with disdain.

"I think they call it Bubblegum Pop."

"Well, it's already been chewed."

SOMETHING WASN'T RIGHT HERE

"They can say that again," Willow snarked.

OH PRETTY BABY I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU GO

"Hey, I can move again!" Giles said, rushing to Willow's side.

AND NOW YOU'RE OUT OF SIGHT HERE

"I think we can only move and speak after the lyric."

SHOW ME

"Which is--"

HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE

"A pretty powerful--"

TELL ME BABY

"Spell."

CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW NOW

OH BECAUSE

...Willow stated. Giles nodded in agreement and tried to find where the song resonated from.

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

"And I..." Willow sang back up. Giles stared incredulously at her.

"Sorry, I couldn't control it," she said, defensive.

I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE

"Still believe..." Giles belted out, and slapped his hands over his mouth.

WHEN YOU'RE NOT WITH ME I LOSE MY MIND

"Give me a siiiiiiiign..." they sang together.

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

Willow slapped Giles.

OH BABY BABY THE REASON I BREATHE IS YOU

"What the bloody--" Giles sputtered, reeling back from the blow.

"Sorry! I didn't have control of my body there for a second," Willow cried. "It must be the song."

BOY YOU GOT ME BLINDED

"Oh, bullocks, I'm blind!" Giles said as his pupils disappeared.

"Again?"

OH PRETTY BABY THERE'S NOTHING THAT I WOULDN'T DO.

"Yes, I think we're being forced to do things so that the lyrics have a relation with our actions," Giles deducted.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY I PLANNED IT.

"That's stupid." Willow said.

"Yes, well, I didn't invent this genre."

SHOW ME

"Oh I can see again," Giles said with relief.

HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE

"Is there any sign of the next book?" Willow asked.

TELL ME BABY

"I think I see it there on that table in the back, but it will take us forever to reach it, considering that we have to stop at the end of each lyric."

CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW

"Whoa because!" Willow sang loudly in Giles ear.

MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME

Willow opened her mouth to sing backup again, but Giles quickly slapped his hand over it.

"Honestly, I don't know who sounds worse, you or her," he said.

I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE

"Sorry, Simon, I can't help it. This fanfic has a sort of karaoke effect."

"Who?" Giles asked.

WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU I LOSE MY MIND

"Simon. He's the mean judge on 'American Idol,'" Willow explained.

GIVE ME A SIGN

"I'm not trying to be mean. It's just that there was a reason why you only sang two lines during the musical episode."

HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

Willow punched Giles in the face with all her might, knocking him to the floor. "Will you stop that!" he shouted, more perturbed than ever.

"Sorry again." Willow shrugged.

A short musical interlude began to play.

"Shoot. Now we're stuck here." Willow sighed.

"Okay, as soon as she starts singing again we make a mad dash to the book," Giles instructed.

OH BABY BABY HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

"Ready."

OH PRETTY BABY I SHOULDN'T HAVE LET YOU GO

"Go!"

I MUST CONFESS

Giles and Willow ran as hard and as fast as they could toward the book that was located at the end of the room.

THAT MY LONELINESS

Willow swerved and dived off the stage.

IS KILLING ME NOW

Giles dodged around a table.

DON'T YOU KNOW I STILL BELIEVE

Willow jumped over a chair.

THAT YOU WILL BE HERE

Giles zig-zagged his way to the bar. He was halfway to the book.

AND GIVE ME A SIGN

He started to jump over the one chair that was standing between him and his chance for freedom from his musical hell...

TRIP ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

And his foot caught the chair back and he fell flat on his face.

"That's not even the right lyric!" he shouted at the sky.

SO NOW IT'S A PARODY

"Well, I guess that explains it," Willow said as she helped Giles up.

IT'S OF THE SONGFIC VARIETY

"Just hurry and open the book."

SAME BASIC THING 'CEPT YOU CHANGE THE WORDS

Willow opened the book, and they were sucked inside.

AS LONG AS THEY RHYME

All that remained was the empty Bronze, and a book entitled Nexus."

GUESS I'LL SEE YOU ALL NEXT TIME

Next time: I'll write some words on the screen, and send them to my editor. She'll send them back to me after she's made them bloody with red editing ink. Then I'll submit it to Then you may choose whether or not to read and/or review it. Then I'll write some more. Exciting, huh? Yeah, I can't wait till next time either!