Chapter 25 - Dumb Banner

After they had finished eating, Steve had dashed off without saying anything. Sif suspected he may have gone back to his own suite to engage in rigorous flossing. She ran her tongue over her own teeth; while she didn't mind the flavor of insect-based cuisine, tiny appendages did tend to stick in one's teeth.

The children had settled in front of the magic picture screen, as per usual after the evening meal. Once again, the little red-haired witch sat within arm's length of it, her eyes glazed over in the way that had at first caused Sif to wonder if she were under an enchantment. Her brother sprawled next to her on the floor, barely awake. Loki sat cross-legged on the sofa behind them; her attention divided between it and the smaller screen of the communication device she carried at all times and seemed to use more for entertainment than for communication.

In Sif's opinion, the children spent too much of their time staring at various screens, but she supposed it wasn't her business. After all, Thor's message to her had made it clear she was there only in the capacity of Loki's guard. She needn't concern herself with disciplining him, which was something of a relief, especially given what had happened on the elevator. Her efforts to discourage Loki's sudden affectionfor her by allowing Steve to woo her had clearly gotten her nowhere.

Sif rummaged through the cabinets in the kitchen until she produced the largest of the stemmed glasses. In the cold food storage, she found two-thirds of a bottle of what she supposed must be wine, though its color was not red or white but the pinkish hue of a Midgardian sunset.

When she turned around, Sif nearly dropped the bottle. She hadn't sensed Loki as he came up behind her. Loki had always been one of the few people who could sneak up on her, which she suspected had something to do with her magic.

Loki nodded towards the wine bottle. "May I have some of that?"

"Absolutely not," Sif told her, without having to think twice. Loki had always been both a lightweight and an irritating drunk, and she wasn't in the mood for that. Besides which, she didn't feel like sharing, as she suspected that three-fourths of a bottle of pink Midgardian wine wouldn't be near enough to get her as drunk as she would have liked.

"You can't tell me I'm not to drink," Loki taunted. "Thor said—"

"Thor also told you to behaveyourself, which you must know isn't your strong suit when you're inebriated."

Loki glared at her. He then stepped around her and fished a carton containing half a dozen bottles of amber colored liquid from the back of the refrigerator. Sif knew she only meant to taunt her; her princess had never even enjoyed the taste of ale. But this time, it wasn't Sif's responsibility to care what Loki did; if the little fool wanted to drink, she could drink herself sick if she wanted to.

Sif poured herself a glass of wine and lifted it to her lips. She nearly choked on it when she felt an arm wrap around her shoulders. This time, she had allowed Fandral to approach her unannounced. Perhaps she had been neglecting her own training lately.

"It's been a long time since we've all drank together," said Fandral. "Is one of those for me, Loki?"

Loki smiled at him in that way of hers that always made Sif feel uneasy.

!"(*∀)ノ[|_| |_|]ヽ(≖‿≖) (︶-︶)Y

After Steve stopped by his suite long enough to brush his teeth twice, he headed up to the helipad. He knew he was supposed to be supervising the kids, but he told himself that with five other adults around, they would be fine without him.

The helipad was one of the places he liked to go whenever he felt sorry for himself, which he knew was much too often. After all, what reason did he have to feel sorry for himself? He had a great life, and no reason to feel anything but grateful for it. He had been given the opportunity not only to protect and serve his country, but the entire Earth. Working and living with the other Avengers, he was constantly surrounded by close friends.

Still, he felt alone most of the time. After all, Tony had Pepper, Bruce had Leonard, and even though he knew their relationship was platonic, Natasha and Clint had each another. He was the only one who didn't have anyone special, and he was starting to feel like a seventh wheel.

For a few days, he had lived in the illusion that he had found someone, but it turned out that Sif hadn't felt the same way at all. She had made that very clear to him after he had tried to kiss her. He had felt like an idiot, but that was nothing new. Some people might think that being a super soldier would improve his chances with women, but so far that hadn't been his experience. But then, the kind of strong, intelligent women he went for were never the kind to be impressed by muscles.

He found himself longing for Peggy. When Loki's time traveling other-self had shown up over the summer, Steve had thought about asking if there was a way he could go back and meet Peggy for that dance. But he knew that even if he could go back in time, it wouldn't be right. Peggy had married and had a family. Things had turned out the way they were meant to for her, and he couldn't just go back and erase that. Maybe he should have asked to go back to the day Bucky fell from the train instead, but then, who knew what kind of consequences that could have? As much as he missed his old life, he knew it would be better not to mess with time travel. He didn't want to end up living in a world where HYDRA didn't just live in the shadows but had completely taken over.

"Are you not cold out here? You do not seem to be dressed for this weather." Steve didn't have to turn around to know who had followed him outside. Zora's accent had given her away.

"I don't feel it," he explained. "I mean, I do, but it isn't uncomfortable. It's one of the effects of the serum."

Zora closed her eyes and took a deep breath of cold air. "I also enjoy the cold. It reminds me of my homeland." Her eyes fluttered open, and she ran her fingers through her long, dark hair. "Do you mind if I stay up here with you for a bit?"

Steve felt his heart beat a fraction of a second faster. "No, I don't mind, although I should go back down soon. I'm supposed to be babysitting, not that I'm very good at it."

For the first time since he had met her, Zora's lips quirked upward, transforming her dour expression. "You are not too good with children, are you?"

"Nope, guess not." Steve felt like an idiot again. Had he been expecting her to disagree with him? But somehow, Steve couldn't help smiling back at her.

❅˳˚◌˳(๑´‿`) (˘‿˘ )˳̊ ◌❅

When Bruce opened his eyes, he found himself feeling much better than he had felt in a long time. Before, he must have been badly in need of sleep. For a while, he just laid there, staring up at the unfamiliar metal ceiling.

It took a while before it occurred to him to be curious about his surroundings. He sat up and looked around himself. The room was shaped like—he wanted to call it a capsule? It was just large enough that he would be able to get out of bed and move around a bit, but only because the bed he had been sleeping on was the only furniture. He also didn't see any windows, which meant there was no way of knowing where the capsule was located.

Maybe Ross had literally buried him alive. He knew he probably shouldn't find that thought comforting, but at least then, the other guy would never hurt anyone again.

He couldn't remember much about the night before, which made him wonder if he had been drugged before being transported to his current location, or if he had just been that exhausted. All he remembered was that he had confessed everything to General Ross; how he didn't feel in control, how he might have already murdered someone, and how "Bruce" might not even be a real person, but an alternate personality that had essentially murdered its original host. Ross had seemed uncharacteristically understanding and had promised to take him somewhere safe.

A voice in the back of his mind growled at him. Dumb Banner.

This is for the best, he told it. This way, no one else will get hurt.

Dumb Banner, the voice insisted. Weak Banner. Stupid jerk-face Banner.

There's no point in throwing a tantrum, thought Bruce. You brought this on yourself when you decided to hurt Sif.

Sif hurt puny god.

She didn't mean to hurt him. She was just worried about him.

No excuse for hitting.

There's no excuse for you smashing her into the floor, Bruce pointed out, or for breaking Nat's arm.

Didn't break Tasha, the voice insisted.

You threw her, and when she landed on her arm it broke. It's the same thing.

Hulk didn't say anything this time; he just snorted derisively.

Even if breaking her arm was an accident, throwing her wasn't, Bruce told him. Why did you do that, anyway?

Mean to puny god.

Even if that's true, it isn't a good reason to do something that might hurt someone.

It took a while for Hulk to respond this time. Hulk sorry.

Bruce felt a wave of anger and tried to tamp it down like he always did. Really? You're sorry? You think that fixes anything?

Now Banner mean. Sound like bad man.

Like who? Then Bruce felt sick to his stomach, because he had a feeling he knew.

Bad man says sorry doesn't fix.

Bruce was hit by the vivid memory of his mother being pushed down the steps behind the house he had grown up in. He didn't think he had been blocking that out, but he might have been blocking out the memory of the argument his parents been having before that. He wasn't sure what his father had accused his mother of doing, but whatever it was, she had been trying to apologize for it. You don't have to worry about him anymore, or about her. They're both gone.

Know that. Not stupid, like Stupid Banner, turn self in to Stupid General! Banner forget what General want?

What General Ross wanted? He wanted the same thing Bruce wanted; to make sure Hulk wouldn't hurt anyone else like he had hurt Betty that time. But now that he thought of it, that hadn't been all he wanted. Damn it—Hulk might actually be smarter than he was, or at the very least, he might have more common sense.

Turning himself over to Ross really hadn't been the smartest move. He had thought that Ross would contain him, and that he might even find a way to kill him, but the other guy was right, that had never been what General Ross had wanted—well, he might have wanted those things, but after he had found a way to kill him, there was more than a good chance he would dissect him and attempt to use that knowledge to create more monsters.

Bruce heard a hinge squeak open and looked towards the sound, which came from the end of his cell. While he couldn't see anything that looked like a door, he could now see a small panel near the floor that could be opened from the outside. A pair of dark eyes looked in at him, making him realize that his cell must be sitting off the ground somehow. "Bruce," a voice hissed, and he recognized it immediately.

Bruce got down on the ground and crawled to the opening, then laid on his stomach in front of it. "Betty?"

"Bruce, it is you! Yes, it's me. But keep your voice down, we don't know who's listening."

Bruce couldn't believe his luck. The General must have brought him to whatever underground bunker Tony had had JARVIS looking for months. Though when he thought about it, "luck" might not have been the right word.

Dumb Banner, the other guy repeated.

"Yeah, Dumb Banner," Bruce agreed.

Betty cocked her head to the side. "Dumb Banner?"

"Sorry, I was just talking to the other guy."

"You guys talk now? That's great, Bruce."

"Yeah, great." Because now, he could now add "talks to voices in his head" to his ever-growing list of psychological issues.

Betty thinks Hulk great.

Not what she said, he told the other guy.

"How did you end up here, anyway?" asked Betty.

"I turned myself in to your father." Involuntarily, Bruce's face scrunched in on itself.

"Oh. The other guy's right then, that was dumb. Why would you do that? Unless—please tell me it was part of your plan to get me out of here?"

"Sorry, Betty. We have been looking for you ever since we found out your father might be holding you somewhere against your will, but no. I really was being stupid."

"Who's we?"

"Me and, uh, Leonard—"

"Leonard Samson? You two have been working together to find me? How did that happen?"

"It's kind of a long story." And this is not the right time to tell it.

Betty slid her fingers through the panel. "Bruce, I missed you."

Bruce leaned down and kissed them, then covered them with his hand. Which didn't mean anything, he told himself. Betty just needed a little comfort, and so did he. "Hey Betty, how come you broke up with Leonard?"

"You're really asking me that right now?"

"I mean, he's a great guy."

"Really? I mean, don't you think he's kind of, you know—"

"What?"

"I don't know. I always felt like he was a little high-strung, and a little full of himself."

"I'm a little high-strung too," Bruce pointed out.

"You're right. Maybe I have a type. But then, I've always been a little high-strung myself."

"Huh—maybe I have a type too, then."

Betty arched an eyebrow at him questioningly.

(*⌒⌒*) ‖░‖ (*￣ ￣;;)

Tony half carried, half dragged a half-conscious Leonard off the elevator. He had intended to dump him on one of the sofas in the common room, but to his dismay, all the couches were occupied. Sif had passed out on one of them, her arm drooping over the side of it and an empty wine bottle on the floor a couple of inches from her fingers. The other sofas were taken up by three men who were dressed like they had just come back from a renaissance fair. Empty beer and liquor bottles littered the floor.

Wanda and Pietro had fallen asleep in front of the television, but that was nothing new; it was where they always ended up unless someone reminded them to go to bed. "Where the heck is Steve?" Tony wondered aloud, as he dumped Doc into one of the armchairs. The guy was so out of it that he probably wouldn't have any trouble sleeping sitting up.

"Tony?" Tony turned around and saw Loki staring at him as if he'd been gone for half a year. The kid ran to him and glomped on for dear life. "I'm so glad you're home," she said into his chest, her face lit by the soft glow of the arc reactor under his t-shirt. I missed you so much."

"Kid, I've been gone for less than ten hours. What the heck happened? Why does it look like the aftermath of an viking frat party in here?"

"Steve does not make a fun babysitter. And Thor sent me a message saying that if I purposefully endangered myself again, he would force me to return to Asgard. Tony, you won't let him, will you?"

None of that answered his question, but the kid seemed distressed, so he decided to circle back to it. "I'm not sure how much I could do if Thor was determined to take you back. Maybe you just shouldn't put yourself in danger again?" It was probably hoping for too much.

"But you promised that no matter what I did, you wouldn't send me away."

"I wouldn't. But if your brother shows up with half the Asgardian army, I'm not going to win that fight. Look, please don't put yourself in danger again anyway. You get that I'm an old man with a heart condition, right?"

"Don't even joke about that."

"I'm not joking. Kid, you scared the bejeezus out of me."

Loki squeezed him harder. It was getting a little difficult to breathe. "I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't want to scare you. I just wanted to make sure you wouldn't send me back now that you could."

"It's great that you're becoming self-aware and all, but could you maybe use that self-awareness to talk yourself down from doing stupid things? Or to talk to someone else and let them talk you down—you know you can talk to me, or to Doc or Pep anytime you want."

"Or to Bruce? You brought him back, didn't you?"

Tony didn't want to tell Loki that they had no clue where Bruce was now, but there was no way he could hide the fact that he had failed to bring him back. "Not yet. Sorry kiddo, he was gone by the time we got there."

"This is all my fault," Loki said, biting her lip.

"No, it is absolutely not." Just how messed up did Loki have to try to take the blame for something like this?

"But if I hadn't run off, Sif wouldn't have gotten angry with me, and Bruce—"

"It isn't your fault that Sif is a loose cannon, or that Bruce can be, for that matter. And you can talk Bruce's ear off as soon as we do get him back, because I swear to you, we are going to get him back." Maybe he shouldn't have sworn, but he couldn't help it; he wanted to believe it himself. "Kid, I wish you could just take me at my word when I tell you the way things are going to be. Have I lied to you at any point since you've been here?"

"I told my other self—the one we met during the summer—that you hadn't. He said that you must be lying to me about something, because everyone lies to us."

"Your other self was more messed up than you are," Tony pointed out. "I swear I've been completely honest with you, and I'm going to continue being honest with you. I know you've gotten burned in the past." Again, he probably shouldn't have sworn, but words just kept coming out of his mouth.

Loki pulled back, frowning at him. "You keep telling me I'm not overweight."

Not this again, thought Tony. "You're perfect the way you are, and you would still be perfect even if you weighed three hundred pounds."

Her eyebrows scrunched together. "I weigh more than that, Tony."

"You're pulling my leg, right? I would have estimated one-sixty, tops."

"Perhaps that's how I look to you, but you must have noticed when you picked me up earlier—"

"I can't tell how much anything weighs when I'm in the suit." As an experiment, he tightened his grip on her and attempted to hoist her upwards. It was like trying to lift a refrigerator. "Hey JARVIS, how much does Thor weigh?"

"The last time Mister Odinson stepped onto the elevator, I noted that he weighed six-hundred and forty pounds," JARVIS told him.

Tony let Loki go. He dug his wallet out of his pocket, opened it, and took out five one-hundred-dollar bills. With Loki trailing him, he walked to the counter that separated the common room from the kitchen and held them out over the swear jar. He held the bills out over it, then opened his hand and watched them flutter downward. "Holy, freaking, crap. Kid, which one of your friends over there do you like the least? Because I'm thinking we need to dissect one of them to find out what space Vikings are actually made of."

"You can have Fandral," Loki answered a little too quickly. "And remember, you don't lie to me, so you definitely have to dissect him now."

Tony shook his head. "Tell me you appreciate the difference between a lie and a joke."

"I know you're joking; I'm not Thor. I was joking too—mostly, anyway."

"Good."

"See, this is why I don't like it when Steve's the only one here. He's like Sif. He takes everything I say too seriously."

"Yeah, I know the feeling. He's a good guy, though. He cares about you, too."

"I know. But seriously, can you make them leave?" Loki pointed in the direction of the sleeping Asgardians. "I'm certain Thor meant for them to deliver his messages and return to Asgard. But for some reason, they decided to stay and drink all your liquor."

"All of it?" From the way Loki had said it, Tony got the feeling that wasn't hyperbole.

"All of it," she confirmed. "After they cleaned out the refrigerator, they found the full-service bar downstairs, and the bar cart in the penthouse."

"JARVIS, what the hell—why did you let these people upstairs?"

"You gave Loki access to the penthouse," said JARVIS. "She was the one who let them up."

"Tattle tail," Loki hissed.

Tony narrowed his eyebrows at her, trying to give her his best Bruce-like "I love you but I'm highly disappointed with your behavior" look. He wasn't sure he had pulled it off, though. If he had to guess, it had probably come off more as "I'm exhausted and somewhat less than amused."

In return, Loki gave him an "innocent" look that was less than convincing but still inexplicably adorable. "I didn't want to. They forced me."

"JARVIS?"

"It was Loki's idea to go upstairs after they had cleaned out the contents of the full-service bar," tattled JARVIS.

Loki winced, and Tony leaned in to try to get a whiff of her breath. "Were you drinking with them by any chance?"

When she realized what he was doing, she took a step backward. "I only had one beer. After that, I let them pour me a few more drinks, but I only pretended to drink them and poured them out when they weren't looking. Unlike them, I'm currently mortal. If I had attempted to keep up with them, I would be dead now."

"I thought we agreed that you shouldn't be drinking at all, although I guess I ought to be proud that you didn't drink until you passed out in a closet this time. I don't suppose it was also your idea for them to clean out the full-service bar?"

Loki pursed her lips at him, making it clear that she thought the accusation unfair. "I swear to you, that was Sif's idea. And unlike you, I don't 'swear' casually."

Tony made a mental note to have a serious conversation with Sif at the first possible convenience. "Wait—what do you mean, unlike me?"

Loki gave him the same wide-eyed look from before. "I know there are things you're lying to me about, but it's fine. I understand that you're just trying to protect me, and that you aren't lying when you say you love me."

She wasn't wrong on either count, which made it difficult to know what to say. "You know what? We can revisit this subject in the morning. Let your drinking buddies sleep a couple more hours. I don't want to start a diplomatic incident because I was rude to your brother's representatives on Earth. We'll feed them breakfast, then tell them it's time to go. You need to go to bed now, anyway."

"Are you going to sleep?"

Tony wasn't too upset that Doc had thrown his emergency pharmacy out the window. He really had been meaning to get rid of it himself, but he did wish he'd left him one sleeping pill, especially now that there wasn't any alcohol in the entire tower. "I don' t know if I can, but I guess I should try. Pep should have gotten back hours ago, but I don't want to wake her up. Mind if I sleep in your room?"

"It's your tower," Loki told him. "I suspect you can sleep wherever you wish."

"I'm going to interpret that as, 'No, I don't mind, and after everything that's happened today, I'd sleep better with someone else in the room too.'"

～～(つˆ ³ˆ)つ* ｡* )ﾉ

Leonard awoke to a loud noise that he at first thought to be a passing freight train and assumed that they must still be in Fury's car. After he had rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he realized that he was in the tower's common room, and the sound was the snoring of a large man with an orange beard, who happened to be passed out on the couch across from him. "JARVIS, who is that?"

"That is Volstagg, Doctor Samson. He and the other two men are friends of Thor. They arrived last night in order to convey messages to Sif and Loki."

"Okay, next question—where's Tony?"

"Asleep in Master Loki's room," JARVIS told him.

Leonard nodded and pushed himself to his feet. He still felt groggy from taking Tony's triazolam the night before. He really shouldn't have done that; taking medication that hadn't been prescribed for him by another doctor was something he had always considered taboo. But if he hadn't, he never could have slept, and he had needed the chance to recharge so he could resume the search for Bruce; not that he had any idea how he was going to go about it. Fury couldn't tell them where Bruce had intended to go, only that he believed him to be a danger to himself. Leonard shook his head, as if he could shake out the unwelcome thought. He didn't want to think about what Bruce had asked Fury for. With any luck, Hulk would continue to protect Bruce, even from himself.

Loki's door had been open, but Leonard stood in the entrance and knocked on the frame anyway. He cleared his throat. "Tony."

Tony, who had been sleeping on top of the sheets opposite from Loki, opened his eyes. "Yes, dear?"

"What are we going to do?"

"Eat breakfast, then kick Thor's buddies out of my tower."

"I meant about Bruce."

"I don't know. We'll call a meeting, assemble the Avengers—although really, that's just me and Steve until Clint and Natasha get back."

"I sent messages to alert them of Doctor Banner's disappearance yesterday," JARVIS informed them. "They ought to be back anytime now."