Parental advisory: Due to the graphic nature of the story you are about to read, the site has ordered me to put up a few warnings to make sure no one under 17 reads it. And for protection and just because I thought it would make the story funnier, I decided to bleep out most of the four letter words. Anyway to make this short: THIS STORY IS NOT MEANT TO BE READ BY ANYONE UNDER AGE 17! Cool, now that that's outta the way enjoy the story.
Disclaimer: Ah dammit! Okay, here's another thing. I do not own Invader ZIM or any of its characters although there will be a few original characters that I do own. Okay, now that this bull$#&t is outta the way enjoy the show.
Fanfiction presents...
A James Barker Story
From the mind of James Barker
DIB'S BAD BIRTHDAY
Chapter 1: Drunken Gits
Okay okay! So some of you may be asking what I would have to do with this really nasty story full of alcohol, sexual references, and toilet humor. For those of you who don't know me I'm Dib. Y'know, paranormal investigator trying to save the human race from an evil alien race. Yeah, the...crazy as hell Dib that everyone keeps ripping on. Well, let's just say it all happened at my 13th birthday when my dad told me to invite some friends from my school to attend to crappy party I didn't even want.
Needless to say this is gonna be a long story so you might as well grab a snack or something to entertain yourself while I tell you exactly what happened. Boy, that was one f#&ked up day.
YESTERDAY-THE SKOOL
It all started when my dad told me to pass out invitations to the other students to celebrate my birthday. "But, dad..."
"Now, son, this is a special time of the year when you become a man...and it's also the time when you go through some...changes if you know what I mean."
"Dammit, dad, I told you not to talk about any of that! And besides everyone at my school hates me."
"Now now, son. I'm sure everyone would be glad to go to your party. I have a feeling that everything's gonna go well." Yeah right. Anyway, I was in the cafeteria at lunch and was passing out invitations (that were mostly crumpled up and thrown away by the kids who got them...except Keef but he's f#&ing crazy) when I decided to try and give one to Torque and hope not to get shot down too harshly. You have no idea what it's like to be me.
I took a deep breath, relaxed myself, and walked up to the table where Torque and his asshole friends were chatting away. "What the hell do you want $#&head?" God, I hate these guys.
I decided to ask as nicely as friggin' possible and try not to go crazy. "Hey, Torque..." I said between grinding teeth. "Umm...I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party and uhhh..."
Torque grabbed the invitation, looked it over, crumpled it up and threw it at my head. "Piss off, dumb$#&t! Like I'd ever wanna go to your crappy party. Stupid bastard."
"Yeah! Yeah! Piss off, dumb$#&t! Ha ha ha!" One of his cronies chimed in. Dammit, where's my sister when I need her. I decided to avoid further insults and went to the last table in the room.
"Hello...ZIM." The green alien's antennae perked up at hearing someone talking to him. He then glared up at me and looked like he was about to be sick. Same here. "I know we're enemies and wanna kill each other but I was wondering if you'd like to come to my birthday party. So would you...stupid twat?"
The Irken leaped onto the table and pointed a gloved finger at me. "You think I ZIM would attend a worthless celebration for you! And what is this twat you speak of! Now go rue in your pathetic attempt to bring the might ZIM with you! Rue now! Ha Ha Ha Ha!"
Now I'm not really the one to snap under situations as $#&tty as this but let's just say I went a little crazy. "Okay fine! F#&kit! None of you wanna come fine! I don't even want a f#$&ingparty! You stupid dumbassed assholes can kiss my paranormal seeking ass! I'm f#&kingout of here!" Okay, I went plenty crazy but I bet you would too if every kid in your school hated your guts.
Needless to say, I stormed outta the room really pissed off. What happened next would put the events of my personal hell into effect (actually I had a lot of fun with it but I thought "personal hell" would make it sound more dramatic). Torque went over to one of the party invitations that was scattered all over the ground. "Hey...I have an idea. We're going big-head's party. And I have just the idea of what kinda fun we'll have. Heh heh heh." All the kids gathered around Torque to hear his plan...even ZIM.
THE NEXT DAY-MY BAD BIRTHDAY
I woke up the next day still pissed off about how the other day at school went. "Stupid Torque and his band of merry ass licking lackeys. One day I'll show them who's...why the f#$&am I talking to myself?" As I tried to get over the issue of trying to determine whether I was sane or not, TAK called from downstairs to get the door. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that TAK was living with us after she crashed into out front yard in what was left of her voot cruiser. She didn't really need to wear any disguise due to the facts that me and Gaz already knew what she was and that my dad was never around the house at all.
"DIB! Get your f#&kingass down here and get the motherf#&king door right now! There's some crowd of dumbass kids here so hurry up!" I also forget to mention that during her stay here, she learned some new vocabulary words and swore like a sailor a lot more now. But when I heard that there was a group of kids out there I dashed to my closet to quickly change into fresh clothes, fixed my hair, and ran downstairs to answer the door.
To my shock, Torque and the rest of the kids from school were outside my door with presents. "Torque? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Well...Dib. I just wanted to apologize for being such a bastard and ridiculing you and $#&t. So we decided to come by and celebrate your birthday. So how about it...buddy?" I couldn't contain my joy so I invited them to the backyard where we set up everything for the party.
Gaz went up to Torque. She knew what kind of person he was and didn't trust him at all. "Okay, Torque. What's this all about? What's your game this time?"
"What? I don't know what you're talking about."
Gaz grabbed him by the neck and shoved him into the wall causing it to crack. "Listen, you'd better not do anything to harm Dib or I swear I'll rip out your goddamn spine and use it to decorate my room. If anyone should torment him it'll be me."
Torque shoved her off and tried to get some fresh air in his lungs. "Relax, dollface. There's nothing going on. We're just here for some nice birthday fun. Honest." He quickly slid be the brooding goth girl and went to the backyard to prepare the plan. He quickly went to his friends who were by the punch bowl with present boxes full of beer. "You guys got the beer ready?" They all nodded. "Excellent. Put it in the punch and I'll offer it to birthday boy. This is gonna be one birthday he'll never forget."
As for me, I was busy chatting with the others and looking over presents. What really caught me by total surprise was seeing ZIM at my party! "ZIM! What're you doing here!"
The short little alien looked up at me with a crocodile smile that sickened me. "Oh, Dib, what's wrong. Can't an old yet mighty friend come to your...'birthing day' like anyone else?" I didn't know what he was planning but I wasn't gonna let him get away with it. Suddenly Toque was calling me over for some punch so I left my nemesis to grab myself a drink. "Yes, my pathetic little human enemy. After today you will never be a thorn in my side ever again. Ha ha ha ha ha!" He stopped laughing after everyone began to look at him.
"Come on, Dib. Drink up. It's your birthday and you should have fun with it." I grabbed the cup and took a sip to find that it tasted a bit...odd. Odd but good. I ignored that and finished up my drink. "There ya go. Come on have another." I decided 'hey what the hell and took another. What harm could one more drink do?
NINE DRINKS LATER
Torque was hanging with his friends as they watched me walk around like an idiot drinking and speaking drunken gibberish. "Ha ha take a look at that boys. What a dumb$#&t. Hey, Mark? Where'd you put the laxatives? I thought by now Dib would be crapping his pants."
"Err sorry about that, boss. I don't get it. I put the laxatives in the sugar cookies and yet he still hasn't $#&thimself."
Torque sighed annoyed at the stupidity of his henchman. "Mark, you idiot. Dib doesn't eat sugar cookies. Everyone knows that, you stupid twat!"
"Well if he didn't eat it how do you explain that all the cookies are missing from their plate?"
Suddenly there was an erupting sound of farts as Keef ran through the party gripping his ass all the while screaming, "Oh $#&t! Oh $#&t!Oh f#&kit is $#&t!Ahhh!" Everyone burst out laughing, even me although I didn't really know what the hell was going on, as the crazy ginger ran out of the yard leaving brown patches on the grass as he went.
"Ha ha ha! Stupid bastard $#&this pants! Ha ha ha ha! Hey look at Dib!" I didn't know what was going on. I couldn't think straight. Suddenly I fell to my feet and without any warning of any kind, threw up all over the lawn. I didn't know what to think as I heard bouts of laughter from everyone at the party. "Ha! Look at the stupid..." he was interrupted when Gaz and an angry TAK grabbed Torque by the neck and proceeded to strangle information out of him.
"You spineless f#&k! What the hell did you do to him!"
Torque was turning purple as he tried to squeeze an answer from his choking throat. "You...bitch..." Gaz gripped his throat harder after that answer causing him to choke a bit more. "You can't...pin this on me...ah $#&t..."
TAK raised a gloved fist ready to deliver brutal punishment on the jock. "You'll be sorry after this you worthless sack of $#&t if anything serious happens to..." TAK looked over to see that I was gone. "What the f#&k?"
Turns out I wandered around a bit after accidentally urinating on Zeta while Gaz and TAK were strangling Torque and I fell down into a ravine after I was taking one last sip of my drink. It was after this all this happened that my twisted adventure truly began.
To be continued...
This was a little side-project I was kicking around a bit while I thought of a new chapter for Titan Hunt and MediEvil II. Well R&R and I'll see what happens when I bring the new chapters.