Dum deed dum, Tis I here.
Still not owning Tai, or Matt
Chapter 2 here, woop, please Read and review, I like reviews…….
Enjoy…..
Sunday 4th June
Well, well, this here is my second entry, bet your shocked to hear from me again. I didn't plan to, you know, write in here again. After I put you away yesterday I figured it was stupid and pointless to keep a diary- which I still think it is- but hell, why should I care? I've been sitting here on my bed throwing a tennis ball at the wall for about an hour now. I was- well am- feeling pretty shitty, so I suddenly though, hell maybe it would help to write, cos you know, writing is kinda distracting, so I should keep myself busy. So, here I am again, wasting even more paper- green peace are so going to be onto me soon, total destruction of the rainforest or something.
I feel kinda shit at the moment. Yama left a C.D here by stone sour; I've had the song 'Bother' on repeat for about as long as I've been throwing that damn tennis ball. The music defiantly isn't helping my mood, my God it's depressing. SHIT! She was right, I'm writing about my feelings, opening up, damn you Hikari, damn you to hell, bitch! Nah, don't mean it, that's not very nice, you know I love her really she is my baby sister after all. Why is it that I'm feeling shitty I hear you ask (Great, now I'm pretending the paper can talk to me, it just keep's on getting worse) the answer to that question would be one simple word;
YAMA!
Oh dear God.
It's really not going well. He does my fucking nut (And I don't mean that in the good way.) I know only too well that he'd hate me if he knew the truth an all, but honestly, how clueless can someone honestly be. I'd understand if he was really thick, but he's not, so there's no excuse for him being so oblivious to everything. It's not like I'm a subtle person or anything, never have been. He's got to be aware that something's a little odd here. But no, apparently not. I mean, Christ, we were watching 'bring it on' (I did tell you we'd be watching shitty chick flicks so don't you judge me!) I was feeling kinda sleepy, it was two in the morning so what do you honestly expect? So, I snuggled up to Yama. Placing my head on his lap and my arm loosely around him he pulled the blanket up to cover me, I guess he thought I'd fallen asleep. He put his arm round me and carried on watching the movie for a bit. Now, understandably I was thinking I'm on my way to heaven at this point. He's so warm, and I don't know. I just love him so much. I always have. Well, maybe not always, when we were about ten, we really hated each other, but I guess that was just because we were struggling for power, always trying to out do each other, it's still like that now, but in a more playful way. Maybe hated is a bit strong, I guess we jus wanted to prove to each other that we were better (Does that even make sense?) Anyway, so at this point in time, I'm thinking like;
FUCK YEA'! GO FOR IT TAI!
Then he leant down, and kissed me softly on the cheek. And I'm pretty sure I felt his tongue in there somewhere- unless of course I was just so tired I was slightly deluded but I don't think that's the case. My God, his lips are so soft. I'm pretty sure that I blushed at that point; it was dark though so I doubt he would have been able to tell either way. Logically, my mind is screaming. I mean come on, I'm snuggled up to him, his arm is wrapped around me and he's just kissed me- ever so sweetly- on the cheek;
GO ON TAI! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR YOU TWAT? FUCKING KISS HIM ALREADY!
Yea', that's when he whispers "Christ Tai, you're my best fucking friend." Run's a shaky hand through his blond hair and lie's down beside me, arm still wrapped round me. Really, what the hell? I mean, come on, what is that supposed me mean I know he's my best friend, but what the hell? It makes all of no sense. I was thinking, like, was that a good thing or a bad thing what just happened? Was that a secret I love you Tai…?or was he just being nice- in an odd way, you know, like just in case you were too thick to realise it, you're my best friend, just to let you know? Or it could have been an I know what your thinking Tai, an don't even bother because you're my best friend and nothing more you queer? Really, please someone let me know what that was supposed to mean cos I'm feeling a little lost here.
Yup, so that's that, and I feel like crap right now. Is he thick or something? Or is it me being thick? I don't know why I'm asking you, you can't even answer- God damn paper!
Whatever, I don't even care.
We all went out today, Me, Yama, T.K, Hikari, Mimi, Sora and Daisuke. It's been kinda hot so we went down to the beach and went swimming. Yama was in a real pissy mood, I think he was a little cranky as he didn't get much sleep. He kept snapping at Mimi. Understandably, Mimi is very annoying, so yeah, most of us want to have a go at her most of the time, but you just don't do it, she gets really upset and cries, which sucks as it tends to go on for hours. All she did was ask Matt to pass her the sunscreen. He was all like, "Fuck off and get it for yourself." This in itself wasn't too bad, I mean, Yama is rude to everyone. A little later she asked him if he was ok as he was sulking, to which he replied; "No I'm not fucking ok because you won't fucking shut up you stupid slag!" Yeah, so basically, he's been a twat all day. Then he didn't seem to give a damn that he's made Mimi cry, even though they've been friends for years. He really is a bit of a prick some of the time.
Yama was wearing a white shirt; mostly he wears black, so it was nice to see him in white for a change. He didn't want to come swimming with the rest of us so he waited on the beach. Hee hee, I tipped a load of water over him. He was not happy with that at all, but my God does he look hot when he's angry! Obviously, you know, white shirt, get's wet, it goes see through. Welcome to Heaven Tai, he's sooo pretty…..
I had ice cream, it was good. Sora stole it from me though. It was strawberry in one scoop and mint choc chip in the other. I like ice cream. Yama wanted some, but he can't eat ice cream cos he has sensitive teeth.
I know it's stupid, I'm in love with someone who I think is a prick, guess you can't choose who you love. If you could, I defiantly wouldn't have chosen him. He can be lovely though, just, hmm… not all that often. He's lovely to me, most of the time. Sometimes we fight. He can get pretty violent sometimes. But, that's only when he's really upset, an he only gets really upset as shit at home isn't too great. But whenever that happens I just hold him till he calms down, then I have to keep holding him as he cries. It always goes like that. He'll attack me, an I'll just take it, but block any particularly violent punches. Then his punches will get lighter as he run's out of energy then he cries and tells me how sorry he is, while I'm soothing him to keep him calm. I know, it sounds stupid that I take this crap from him. I'd rather he was attacking me though, as no one else knows how to deal with it. It's not his fault he get's like that sometimes, everyone need's a way to vent frustration an shit. I wish sometimes he's use a little of that energy to smack his Dad one. That probably wouldn't be the best idea though, as then he'd just end up getting it worse. I love him.
I wanna be able to tell him that, tell him that I love him, take all his pain away and just hold him in my arms forever.
Whatever, I'm going to bed. Got school tomorrow, will write more soon.
Oh yea' an I think there's something going on between T.K an Daisuke, will look into that at a later date.
Things to do;
Check self into mental instate tomorrow as they are not open on a Sunday- I don't think they are anyway.
Thank Kari for diary, it's proving rather useful.
TELL YAMA I LOVE HIM!
Bysie, 'Chi X x X x X x X x
That is the end of that. Next chap will be up soon.
Love an hugs x x x x x x x x x x x