She put her hand over her heart. She thought he'd died. The world thought he'd died. But here he was, hiding away in a Brooklyn Brownstone, kept safe by the person who loved him most.
A nurse with gray hair stood abruptly from her chair and walked over to them.
"Mr. Barnes."
"I got your text," said Bucky, his voice strained and quiet. "I came as soon as I could."
The nurse pulled Bucky aside, while Jenny backed against a coffee table. She felt she'd entered a sacred space, one that she didn't belong in and it was breaking her heart. She wasn't number one and she would never be. She understood Sarah so much better now, and why she gave up the fantasy of being loved by him. He couldn't give himself over completely, no matter how much he may say he wanted to. She glanced at Bucky, his eyes filled with love for the man in the bed. Just like Daniel, there was no room in them for her.
"He should be awake soon." The nurse nodded at Jenny and closed the parlor doors.
Almost as if in answer, the man who was Captain America blinked awake. He looked up at them, and a weak smile fell across his face.
Bucky rushed to his side and pulled up a chair next to him. He held Steve's hand, his eyes lit with concern.
"Did you do anything stupid?" asked Steve, his voice quiet and frail.
"I left all the stupid here with you," said Bucky smiling. "How are you?"
"You've got a job to do," said Steve, a rattle deep in his chest. "The mission comes before me. Always."
Regardless of how she felt, it was hard to see him like this. His posters used to hang on her and her sister's walls, the picture of perfection. He looked so placid now, his skin thin and papery. Arms feeble, and weak. And yet, there was a strength and a twinkle in his eyes. He was still Captain America.
Bucky reached over and stroked Steve's cheek. It was gentle, loving and intimate and not meant for her. "No one will ever be as important to me as you," said Bucky.
At the words, Jenny's heart collapsed. There it was, verbal confirmation. Why had she agreed to come? Why had she insisted, and why had he let her?
"And who's this?" asked Steve.
Bucky's gaze didn't leave Steve's face. "This is Jenny- I mean Jennifer."
Jenny finally got a hold of her breath. "For you, Jenny," she croaked, hardly believing she could even speak.
"Ah. Jenny," said Steve knowingly.
The former assassin flushed every shade of red and purple on the spectrum. He stared at the floor, his eyes unmoving.
She was a fool for insisting on coming. He didn't want her here.
"Go away Buck," said Steve. "I want to talk to her."
Bucky looked like he was about to fight him on it, but a stern look from Steve forced him to his feet. With a sideways glance at Jenny he walked out a side door that looked like it led to the kitchen.
"You're welcome to sit young lady," he said, gesturing weakly to the chair Bucky had exited. This was a dream. She pinched herself and sat, completely flummoxed at the strange turn her life had taken. Sitting next to a childhood crush, and the man her grandfather had attempted to murder several times. And the man that held the heart of the person she…that she…
She wanted to run away, but some macabre question compelled her to his side. She had to know why.
"How- how are you feeling?" she asked, not knowing how to open this conversation.
He gave her a weak smile. "Like death."
Jenny was never comfortable with death, but he was so forthright and congenial she couldn't help but smile a little.
"I should say fine or better, but I'm dying. I don't have a lot of time to bullshit," he said.
"Speaking of, I thought you had…"
He winked at her. "By design. Buck broke me out of a military facility when he found out they were taking my blood." He took a wheezing breath. "More Super Soldiers. Better if they think I'm gone. Don't want that legacy." With that he started coughing and Jenny jumped in alarm. He pointed to a cloth with a shaky hand. She handed it to him and he wiped his mouth. A smear of crimson showed on the fabric, and she winced.
"Can I get you anything?" she asked.
He shook his head as he took a deep labored breath. He motioned he was going to continue. "Appreciate if you kept this between the three of us. Four counting Nurse Grace."
"Of course. I could never do that to him."
Steve gave her a shrewd look. "You love him. Your eyes haven't left the kitchen," he said.
"Oh! I don't…"
"It's alright. Couldn't have asked for a better way to go. Know he'll be ok."
The rock in her stomach turned to an urgent fluttering. "Why- Why did you leave him?"
Steve's head rolled toward the window. "I've thought about that a lot. I chose between the two loves of my life."
Jenny swallowed. Going back in time was a fantasy for everyone else. A fallacy. It felt selfish and unfair. "But he was right here," she said, her voice becoming louder. "You can only go forward. Peggy Carter was gone. He was right here."
Steve looked up at her, pain in his eyes. "It wasn't accepted at the time."
She stood from the chair. "But he was here, in this time. In a time where it would have been acceptable, legal. He needed you and you abandoned him." Her face grew hot, and she knew she should stop, but it was flowing out of her now. "He was right there ready and waiting, waiting for you not to go."
"Jenny," said Steve coughing.
She pressed her hand on her heart. "He was right here. I'll never understand that. I'm right here!" Her breath caught at her words, as tears streamed from her eyes. "I'm… I…"
A tear rolled down Steve's cheek.
"I… I'm sorry…" Jenny turned and ran from the room, past the doors that held Bucky and Steve's private world inside. She felt empty, lonely, ashamed.
As she started to run up the stairs, Bucky burst from the hallway. "What the hell was that?" he asked.
Her shame gave way to fury. She spun around on the steps, heat climbing up from her stomach into her chest cavity. She felt like she'd burst from the inside. "Why the hell did you let me come? How could you do this to me?"
Bucky swallowed but kept going. "He's sick and weak, and you berate him?"
She walked back down the steps straight to him and looked up into his cool blue eyes. "I'm never going to come close am I?"
"You…" He stared down at her, his countenance shifting through various emotions.
"Just tell me now that everything you said to me last night was a lie. Just tell me the truth!"
"He could have died!" he shouted, the energy coiled inside, snapping out.
Jenny stepped back. She bit her lip nodding slowly. "I see." She turned around and ran up the stairs, all four flights until she reached the top. She threw the door open and kicked her bag inside, slamming the door behind her, panting from anger and sadness and the climb of the mountain of steps in this stupid house. Then she put her head in her hands and cried.
BUCKY'S POV
He would always be alone. That was the curse of the Winter Soldier. He watched as Jenny ran up the stairs, clamoring to get away from him. The door slammed in the far reaches of the house, and it was like the finality of realizing you were dreaming after waking up. The dream wasn't real, he would never actually get a chance to be happy.
The truth was, relief had washed over him when she had asked to come with him. He wanted her here. He needed her. But he needed Steve too.
He rubbed his face so the tears wouldn't show, pushing them into his skin, absorbing the pain back into himself. He took a deep breath and walked back into the parlor. Steve was staring at the ceiling, his hands resting on his stomach. Bucky sat down and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, his head hung toward the floor.
"I'm so sorry," he said quietly.
"No," said Steve. He reached a hand out, and Bucky took it, feeling the last strength of a dying man squeeze his fingers. "I'm sorry."
"You didn't do any…"
"I was afraid," said Steve. His words were labored and slow but determined. "I was afraid of the world. And so tired. Thought if I could escape I'd be happy."
The fragments of Bucky's heart started to vibrate in his chest. All this time, this whole year they'd never talked about it. "Were you? I wanted you to be."
Steve nodded. "We were, but half my heart was missing. And that was you."
Bucky's head slumped, as hot tears landed on the hard wood floor.
"Our kiss in Switzerland meant so much to me," said Steve. "But it scared the hell out of me too. Then you fell, and Peggy picked up the pieces. Never been so happy when I found out you were alive."
Bucky nodded. It had scared him too. But it was also perfect.
"But we never talked about it," Steve continued. "I wasn't sure if you remembered. I thought I was making it easy for you," said Steve. "That's my flaw. Protecting people who never asked to be protected, but really I'm just sparing myself. I was selfish. I ran away without telling you how I felt."
"I always knew."
"Sometimes the words need to be said Buck. It was my fault we couldn't be together the way we wanted. I love you."
"Are you saying goodbye?" he asked, willing him to stay.
"I'm saying, there's room in your heart for two. I loved both you and Peggy. You can love her and me."
He thought of Jenny who had held his face in her hands, pulling him out of himself, loving him with her request to be by his side. He wanted her. He wanted her so badly, and it felt like a betrayal, so he pushed her away all while promising not to.
Bucky squeezed his hand harder.
"It's time to let me go," said Steve.
"What if I can't?" asked Bucky, his voice shaking.
"You loved me. I loved you. You're capable of big love. You're going to be ok. I never told you, but you're going to be ok. You were with me till the end of the line."
The tears flowed freely now. Bucky leaned forward and kissed Steve on the forehead. "I love you Steve."
Steve patted his cheek, his eyes fluttering closed and began to breathe with sleep, a rattle deep in his chest. Bucky pulled the blanket higher up to Steve's chin and kissed him again. He walked to the couch, falling on the cushions and sobbed. Though the sadness was overwhelming, strength pulsed in his chest for the first time in a long time. The broken pieces inside felt like they were gluing themselves back together. He sniffed and blew his nose in his handkerchief. Reaching back he pulled the copy of The Hobbit from its spot tucked in the back of his jeans and took out the list of Reparations. He touched Steve's note inside the tattered cover then closed it, placing it on the coffee table. Looking down at the names he decided there should be one more. He wrote her name at the bottom.
I'll be moving this to and M rating next chapter. Make sure you're following! Thank you so much for reading!