Ch 45 - X Marks the Spot

"Hey Lokes, you up there?"

Loki peered down at Tony from the top of the banyan tree, where he had assumed no one would disturb him. "How did you know where I was?"

"A little bird told me where you might be," Tony called up. "Hey, could you come down here? I'd climb up, but I'm still recovering from the hernia surgery I had the day before yesterday."

"It feels like that was ages ago."

"Yeah, maybe to you. Not so much to me."

In order to reach the bottom of the tree faster, Loki turned himself into a serpent. He slithered down and then loosened his hold, falling the last few feet to the ground.

Tony jumped back and made a high pitched noise Loki had never heard come from an adult male before; but when he realized that it was only Loki, he took a small step towards him. "Okay, not going to lie, the snake thing is freaking me out a little. You know I love you no matter what form you take, but could you maybe turn into something a little cuddlier?"

Loki morphed back into his male Aesir form and tackled Tony the same way that Sigyn had tackled Frigga earlier, though he was careful not to hit him hard enough to aggravate his injury. "Sorry, I forgot that mortals have a natural aversion to things that might kill them. I thought I was the only one who could hear Ikol, by the way."

"Ikol?"

"My bird."

"You have a bird?"

"If that's supposed to be a joke, it isn't funny."

Tony sat down on one of the Banyan tree's large exposed roots and patted the space beside him. "You okay, kid?"

Loki sat next to him, resting his head on Tony's shoulder. "Not really. Stupid Thor. What's he going to do when I'm not here? It's absolutely ridiculous that Odin intended for Thor to take his place as All-Father but never encouraged him to learn any magic at all."

"Maybe he figured you'd be around—"

"To do Thor's dirty work for him," Loki grumped.

"You didn't like having to turn Sigyn mortal, did you?"

"I've turned a lot of people into a lot of things, but somehow it was different when I knew that eventually, Mother would figure it out and make me turn them back. And I've never turned anyone into a mortal before."

Tony arched an eyebrow at him. "And what's so bad about being mortal?"

Loki couldn't fault him for taking offense, but he still thought the answer was obvious. "In a word, mortality. She's much more vulnerable now. While I was working the magic, I tried to weave in as many physical protection spells as I could. But I don't know any spells that would prevent her from getting sick."

"Loki, she's going to be okay. Your mom's going to take care of her. I'm sure she'll get her vaccinated for all the same stuff you've been vaccinated for."

Loki couldn't help but smile at the thought of Sigyn having to undergo a full vaccination schedule like the one Bruce had made for him. He might feel bad for her, but that didn't mean he didn't approve of her suffering a little.

"You and your brother both went through the whole 'being turned mortal' thing, and you were okay, right?"

"Sigyn's different; she won't accept what's happened easily. She's liable to do something foolish and get herself killed."

"And that's what makes her different?"

"Alright, fine. That's what makes her exactly like me. Maybe that's why we eventually found ourself at odds. We're too much alike. It was almost like dating my—ah-hmm." Maybe all Lokis really were Loki-sexual.

"Yeah, I get it. I certainly wouldn't want to date someone who was anything like me. I have no idea how Pep does it."

"I'm not sure I would even want to date anyone who would want to date me back," Loki complained. "There would have to be something terribly wrong with them."

"Now, that's not true. You're a great kid, and I'm sure there are plenty of girls and boys who would want to date you. You know Pietro's crazy about you."

"Right; which means that so far, my takers have been Pietro, Sigyn, and Fandral—"

"Remind me, which one is Fandral again?"

"The hypersexual one."

"Okay, so maybe there's been a bit of a pattern so far. But it's not like you've had that much chance to meet anyone normal."

"Oh, come on, Tony, you know no one normal is ever going to want to date me."

Tony's mouth dropped open, but then it snapped shut and his head tilted to the side. "Ah well, what's normal anymore anyway? The point is, you haven't had that much chance to meet anyone. Are you even that interested in dating?"

"Not really; but it might be nice if someone who wasn't completely insane was interested."

"Lokes, when you're your age, dating is just a game anyway, and it's one you have plenty of time to play. It's not like you're going to get married anytime soon."

"It wouldn't be altogether unusual for someone my age to marry in Asgard—at least, it wasn't before Thor went and changed the laws that say who is and isn't an adult. Do you know what Ikol suggested I do to Sigyn when I told him about how she tricked me into drinking a love potion?"

"Do I want to know?"

"He told me I ought to trick her into marrying me."

"Well that would have been stupid, since I'm pretty sure you'd be just as miserable as she would be."

"Perhaps, but as her husband, I would pretty much own her."

"Right. So that's horrible, completely unsurprising, and just one more thing that needs to change around here. Besides, I don't care how normal it is for Asgardian teenagers to get married. You're way too young, and don't try to tell me about how you're technically a thousand years older than I am."

"I didn't think you would approve, which is why I didn't bother to try it."

"Hold on, you mean you're actually starting to figure out when I wouldn't approve and then you're not doing that thing? Not gonna lie, this feels like real progress."

Loki narrowed his eyes at Tony. He really didn't have to be a smart ass about it. "I knew that Thor wouldn't allow it either."

"Yeah, you're probably right about that. He wants to talk to you, by the way."

"That's too bad, because I don't particularly feel like talking to him right now." Loki told himself that it was because he had used him, a mere tool to carry out Sigyn's sentence. He in no way wanted to admit that it was because he still felt like Thor had abandoned him, even though he knew that his brother couldn't put his needs before the needs of his people; or worse, that he feared the more time he spent with Thor before they left, the more he would miss his brother once he returned to Midgard.

Tony gave him such a look of sympathy that he must have known what Loki was thinking. He reached up to ruffle his hair. "Ah, come on. We're going to be going back soon, and then who knows how long it will be before you see each other again."

Loki decided he might as well relent, since Tony wasn't likely to let it go, and Thor wasn't likely to let him get away with leaving without saying another word to him anyway. "Fine, I'll talk to him."

ヾ(。＞෴＜)シ 🐍

Bruce sat up, rubbing his eyes. Still groggy, he looked down at himself, and was unsurprised to see that although he was underneath a pile of fine Asgardian bed linens, he was completely naked. At least he was in a bed this time, and not in the middle of a forest or in some sort of prison cell. "Did I—"

Leonard smiled gently as he sat down on the edge of the bed. "Yeah."

"What did he do this time?"

"He saved Thor from choking to death on his breakfast."

"Oh—right, I sort of remember that." Like always, it had been like being on a bad LSD trip, but somewhere in that blur he did remember the cheers of the Asgardian court as their king coughed up a chunk of toaster pastry.

"Thor wants to throw a feast in your honor."

"Could you please tell him that it really isn't necessary? I didn't even do anything."

Leonard's smile turned upside down, and he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "So let me get this straight. If Hulk hurts someone that's on you; but if he saves someone's life, that has nothing to do with you? That doesn't seem fair."

"If anything about my life was fair, Hulk wouldn't exist in the first place."

"Maybe not, but it's a good thing for the rest of us that he does. Thor's isn't the only life he's saved. What about all those people who were at the sidewalk café when the wrecking crew attacked? Or the people at the New York Aquarium? Not to mention all the people he saved during the Battle of New York. If you're going to take all the credit for it when Hulk accidentally breaks Natasha's arm, you ought to get at least some of the credit when he does something good."

Bruce looked over Leonard's shoulder and realized that the two of them weren't alone. Betty was there too, although she had hung back by the door, looking a little uncertain. When they locked eyes, she walked around the bed to perch tentatively on the side opposite from Leonard. "You know the only reason Hulk was able to perform the Heimlich maneuver was because you knew how to do it."

Maybe she was right, but ever since Latveria, he'd had a difficult time believing Hulk to be capable of anything good. "How sure are we that he wasn't just trying to break Thor's ribs?"

Betty's eyebrows furrowed together. "Bruce, this is going to sound odd, but in a way I feel like I probably know him better than you do; and I really can't believe that he would hurt anyone intentionally."

"I know you want to believe that, but he's hurt plenty of people intentionally."

"People who weren't trying to harm him or someone else?"

Bruce shrugged. He didn't want to admit it, but he might have a point; when Hulk hurt Loki, he had been invading Manhattan with an army of aliens. But then again, there had never really been a reason for Hulk to attack Thor, which he did on a regular basis. On the other hand, Thor seemed to enjoy that. Natasha definitely hadn't been doing anything wrong, but maybe hurting her really had been an accident.

"Why don't you ask him about it? I thought you two talked now."

"That was just in the bunker. I haven't heard anything since then, and now I'm not so sure I wasn't imagining it." The truth was, he wasn't ready to try it again. He might have to put up with sharing a body with the guy, but that didn't mean they had to be best friends. If he was honest, Hulk could be kind of a jerk.

Betty looked at Leonard, and Leonard looked at Betty, something silent passing between them. Then Betty smiled at him with the kind of smile you gave someone when you were about to give them bad news, or maybe it was the type of smile you gave someone when you knew they were out of their mind. Why did Bruce have the feeling that it might be both? "Sweetie, we need to talk to you about something."

Bruce tried to remember if Betty had ever called him "sweetie" when they were together. There was definitely something off about it now.

"Bruce, when we get back to New York, we need to find you another psychiatrist."

"No." Bruce didn't mince words, and he didn't have to think about it. He was in no way ready to go poking around in the dark shadowy places of his mind again, and he felt like Leonard ought to know better than to suggest it.

Leonard and Betty exchanged another look that Bruce didn't like, and then Leonard gave him that same look he'd given him that night he'd tried to sneak out of the tower. "I understand your reluctance after what happened with Karla, but you can't let that stand in your way of getting the help you need."

Bruce couldn't help but laugh, and he knew it came out sounding every bit as bitter as he felt. "You really think I'm crazy now, don't you?"

"No. You know I don't—"

"You don't use that word, but you can't help thinking it, can you?"

Leonard turned to Betty. "Can you give us a few minutes?"

Before she got up, Betty leaned over and gave Bruce a kiss on the cheek. He thought about begging her not to go; because he knew that when she was out of the room, Leonard would tell him again that he needed to talk to someone, and that he wouldn't take no for an answer. They had been together for several months without having a real fight, but this was probably going to be their first.

Then again, were they even still together, now that it was clear that he was in no condition to be involved with anyone? He watched as Betty disappeared through the curtain that separated the bedroom they were in from the rest of the suite, then started to speak before Leonard had the chance. "Look, I'm sorry for what I just said, I know it wasn't fair. But I'd like to remind you that it isn't a good idea for me to get angry, so—" Bruce couldn't finish that statement, because there was no way he could talk around the extra tongue in his mouth. Leonard was kissing him, and it wasn't just a quick peck on the cheek like Betty had given him, or even a quick peck on the lips. After what seemed like several minutes, they finally broke apart, both left panting for breath. "Leonard, as bad an idea it is for anyone to make me angry, you really can't do that either."

Leonard put his hand on Bruce's knee. "Sorry. I love you, and I just wanted you to remember that."

"Remember it?" Bruce opened his mouth, and then closed it again. "Because I'm kind of thinking that this is new information."

"It is?"

Maybe it wasn't, now that he thought about it, but that wasn't the point. "Regardless of how we actually feel about each other, neither of us has said that before."

"I thought I—oh, you're right. That was Coulson."

"You told Coulson you loved him?" He still wasn't sure how he felt about Phil being alive, but then again, he really hadn't known Phil as well as the others. He wondered if anyone had told Loki yet. Then again, if Bruce found out that someone he thought he'd killed was actually still alive, would he really feel any better about what had happened?

"To be fair, I thought he was you," Leonard told him. "And just so you know, I'm not expecting you to tell me you love me back yet. I know those words are difficult for you, and I understand why."

Bruce wanted to argue that Leonard was wrong, and then he wanted to prove it, but that wasn't what happened when he opened his mouth. "You deserve to be with someone who can say it back," he said instead, and he couldn't help looking in the direction of the sitting room Betty had disappeared into.

Leonard must have noticed where he was looking, and misinterpreted it. "You still have feelings for Betty, don't you?"

"What? No! I was just thinking that you should be with her instead of me. Not only should be with someone who can tell you they love you back, you should be with someone you can actually, you know, be with—" Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to say those words either, even though as an adult, he really shouldn't have been embarrassed to be more explicit.

"Bruce, I don't want to get back with Betty, and I've told you before that it wouldn't matter to me even if we were never able to be fully intimate with one another."

He couldn't just accept that, though. As nice as that kiss had been, Leonard had to want more out of their relationship. "It matters to me."

"In that case, that's something we're just going to have to work on." Leonard's hand began to creep upward from Bruce's knee.

Bruce grabbed his wrist. "Seriously, Leonard, don't do that."

Leonard withdrew his hand, but he was smiling again. A little too smugly, thought Bruce, just as Betty stepped around the curtain that hung between the bedroom and the sitting room. "Just so both of you know, I'm not interested in getting back together with either of you. You two are much too cute together."

Since there wasn't a rock available for him to crawl under, Bruce slipped as far as he could under the bed linens.

Betty sat down and pulled the covers back from him. He could tell she was trying not to laugh. "Sorry. I didn't mean to ease drop, but that curtain really isn't soundproof. So anyway, you should probably get dressed, because I'm pretty sure this feast thing is happening whether you want it to or not."

Bruce groaned. "Whether or not I deserve credit for saving Thor death by toaster pastry, I've had enough of Asgardian feasts for the rest of my life. I just want to go home now."

"To be honest, I'm ready to leave too," said Leonard. "I'm kind of wondering if this whole feast thing is just a way to keep us all here a little longer. I'm pretty sure he's been lonely, and I don't think he was really all that prepared to be king. Thor might technically be an adult, but if they were both mortal, he couldn't be more than a few years older than Loki."

Now that Bruce thought about it, Thor had called Natasha his "elder" once, and she had only turned twenty-nine in December. There were also the stories that Loki had told them about growing up in Asgard, which made it sound like they were nearly the same age.

(*¯ ³¯*) （･_･;;) (｡• ᵕ •｡)

Thor tried to concentrate on the financial reports that lay on the desk in front of him, but all the letters and numbers on the page were doing that thing that they sometimes did where they all jumped around and traded places with one another, making everything seem scrambled. He was relieved when he heard his brother's voice, and he looked up to see Loki poking his head through the door. "You wanted to see me?"

Thor nodded and gestured to him to come inside. "I wished to speak to you before you return to Midgard."

Loki stepped into the room, frowning. "Is this about yesterday? Am I in trouble for leaving the funeral early?"

"You probably should be in trouble for that, but that isn't what I wanted to speak to you about." Thor got up and moved to the sofa, glad to have an excuse to take a break from his work.

"You're not going to try to convince me to stay, are you? Because we've already been over this—"

"I know, and it's fine. As much as I'd like to have you here, I understand that Midgard is the first place you've been truly happy, and I want you to have that for as long as possible."

Loki perched beside him on the sofa, eying him wearily. "Then what is it you want to talk to me about?"

Thor took a deep breath, and as he let it out, he slumped down the back of the sofa and his head flopped over onto Loki's shoulder."Brother," he whined. "Being king isn't any fun, and I know I'm horrible at it! What am I going to do?"

"Oh, for crying out loud, Thor." With his head on Loki's shoulder, Thor couldn't see him roll his eyes, but he could hear it in his voice. "You've only spent the last thousand years preparing for the role. It can't be that bad."

"You know I was never as good a student as you were. The other day, I was drafting a proposal for a new trade agreement, and I realized that I still couldn't remember how to spell 'Nidavellir.' Are there one L's or two?" He straightened up, then grabbed Loki's shoulders and began shaking him. "One L's or two, Loki?"

"N-I-D-A-V-E-L-L-I-R—Nidavellir." Loki pushed Thor away from him. "It's two, Thor, the same as it's always been. Have you started drinking today already?"

Of course his studious younger sibling would know how to spell it without hesitation. He had expected no less. Thor slumped down again, resting his head in his hands. "This is why I need you by my side, as my adviser."

"Thor, you don't need me for that. You see all those things on the shelves around this room? Those are called books, and look—" Loki stood and crossed the room, standing before a shelf above his desk. He pointed to a thick leather bound book with golden runes on it's spine. "You see this? It's a reference book containing maps of all nine realms. If you need to know how to spell any place names, all you have to do is look in here." Loki lifted the book from the shelf, and a loose page fell out of it and drifted towards the floor.

"What is that?" Thor peered down and saw that it was some sort of map, but it didn't appear to be a map of any place he was familiar with.

Loki bent down to pick it up. "It appears to be a map."

"I know it's a map. I'm not that dense. But what is it a map of?"

"It looks to be an area the size of a small realm, but it isn't labeled. Instead, there's just a large 'seven.' Though on second thought, the Roman numeral ten looks like the rune for seven, so I suppose it could be a 'ten.' There are occasionally some drawbacks to having tampered with my All-Speak so that I could speak and read in other languages. What does it look like to you?"

"To me, it looks like the rune for ten." Thor exchanged an uneasy look with his brother. Likely, they were both thinking the same thing. "Perhaps we should ask Mother if she knows anything about this," he suggested.

Loki threw the atlas down on the ground, crouched down next to it, and began ripping out the pages.

Thor was shocked to see him show that level of disrespect for a book. "Brother, what are you doing?"

He began laying out the maps of the known nine realms on the floor, with Muspelheim at the bottom, then Niffleheim, Hel, and Svartalfheim. Above that, he placed the maps for Midgard and Jottunheim, then Nidavellir, Alfheim, and Vanaheim. At the top went the map of Asgard, and above that—

Thor swore under his breath.

"That's a dollar."

"We're not in Stark's tower, and I don't have any Midgardian money on me."

Loki held out his hand. Thor sighed as he pulled out his coin pouch and took out a gold ingot the length of his smallest finger, which happened to be the smallest thing he had on him. At least he ought to be covered for the next ten years.