:hops on to soap box:

Before you read any further, I would like to announce to you that a sequel is in the making. I have completely logical reasons for going the route I have, which will be revealed in the sequel, "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You." Its set 5 years down the line. The gang is back. All a little wiser. A litte more mature. And just as crazy as ever. I am quite happy with what I have written so far, especially with Jude. She's older, happier, indepent and settled in the music industry.

Random tidbit, can you imagine an older Kwest with a kid in one of those chest jumpers, making a sandwich? it makes for an interesting picture.

Anyway, thank you for reading. I hope that you contiue to do so.

p.s.- - Don't argue the merder/addek stuff with me. I love Addison and the McVet is swoon worthy. (swoon)

.19.

I'm Not Dead


You can do the math a thousand ways but you can't erase the facts
That others come and others go but you always come back
I'm a winter flower underground always thirsty for summer rain
And just like the change of seasons
I know you'll be back again
I'm not dead just floating
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight
-P!NK

There is no worse feeling than helplessness. I've spent the past 48 hours watching the man I love grieve a woman he loves. And there isn't anything I can do to help him. There are no words I can say. There isn't anything at all. I've tried talking to him. He either ignores me or someone gets in the way. His sister has been glaring at me since she realized who I was. Samantha's parents have been nicer than she has. Then again, Sam's parents blames Tommy for everything. I guess you can't really blame them. Tommy is a mess, though. He's a wreck, a complete disaster… And all I want to do is make him better… I am a horrible person…

Tommy was a zombie. He would not stop pacing. Jude watched him crumble and there was nothing she could do to fix it. Sam's vitals were depleting by the hour. He had never been so scared in his entire life. He had not said a word. Jude was frightened for him.

Jude followed him down the hall. He had left Samantha's parents to be with their daughter. The waiting room was still filled with people. Tommy's parents had arrived that morning. Luc and Gwyneth Quessey had rushed to their son's side. He had merely shook them off and kept on pacing.

"Tommy?" Jude called out. He had returned to his favorite bench in the garden.

He turned to look at her. She had never seen him look so lost. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. Tommy pulled her into a near bone crushing hug.

Jude was startled buy the unexpected feel of his lips on hers. Jude closed her eyes. She wanted to enjoy this moment, but she knew that this was wrong. It was all wrong.

"Don't," she muttered against his lips.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled and stepped back.

Jude did not want him to be sorry. She didn't want any of this. She wanted him to take her in his arms and kiss her. She wanted him to tell her that he loved her and only her. She wanted for all of this to be a bad dream. She wanted to wake up and find herself in Tommy's arms.

Jude launched herself into Tommy's arms. He held her close, his head resting on hers.

"She flat lined because of me," he said.

"Don't say that."

"If I hadn't left. If I hadn't kissed you. If I hadn't cheated on her.. If.. I had done things different I would have been married for 3-4 years already. You don't know Jude.. There are so many things you don't know."

"So, tell me Tommy."

"Did Sadie ever tell you how I didn't even go to high school? I was drafted to Boys Attack right out of Jr high. We had tutors, but who needed that when I was all over the world. After I left Boyz Attack.. I crashed. I had no band. No music. Darius hated me because I had married and divorced his sister. I was partying every night. Then I met Sam. She told me to go to hell. I remember being at some club in LA. I came on to her and she flat out turned me down. I saw that as a challenge. I asked her out every time I ran into her until she said yes. We were together eight months when I cheated on her for the first time. It was nice to be recognized after being out of the spot light. I don't even remember what the girl looked like. I just remember the look in Sam's eyes when she walked into the bedroom to find me with some fan girl. Six months later, I asked her to marry me. After that, she got busy with the band. She was working and going to school. I started to resent her. I started drinking again. It got so bad, so fast. I showed up smashed to my own birthday party. I pushed her too far. That's where everything I had been fighting came out. I went off about the booze, the drugs, the other girls.. I humiliated her in front of everybody we knew."

"I don't know if I would have ever taken you back much less married you after that," Jude admitted. It took her a long time to be able to look at her father. And she still hadn't completely forgiven Shay. " She must really love you."

It was in that moment that Jude realized something. Sam really loved Tommy. She held the same hope that Jude did...

"I know why he chose her. You cannot compare 11 years to 3 months. No matter how bad you want to root for her, it wouldn't work out in her favor. He loves them both. Meredith is the anti-Addison. So, is Addison the anti- Meredith? Or could she have been Meredith? What if the situtaion was reversed? What if Meredith was the cheating wife? And why is Derek considered McDreamy? He's leading them both on. He never told Meredith that he was married. Where is the honesty there? They don't even know each other. Why would he throw away a marriage of 11 years for a stranger. Addison loves him as much as Meredith does.Neither are perfect.. Can Meredith forgive Derek and act like if everything is okay if he had been honest with her.. Addison isn't the bad guy. Derek is! Derek isn't Mc Dreamy.."

Tommy looked at her lost. What the hell was Jude rambling about?

"Would you mind filling me in on what the heck you are going on about?"

Jude rolled on to her tip toes and kissed Tommy. She needed something to go on if she was going to get the words out.

"I don't think I could ever forgive you if I were her. I love you, Tommy. I would give anything for to be your only one, but you can't give me that. You made your choice. You can't have both. I've always been second best. I'm done with that. I deserve better than that. I deserve everything you can't give me. And I am done hurting myself and other people."

Jude stepped away from him. She held his hands in hers. " I can be your best friend Tommy, but I need to let you go."

Tommy opened his mouth to respond when Genevieve came rushing at them.

"She's crashing! Tom, she's crashing!"

Tommy squeezed Jude's hands before he jetted down the hall way.

Jude leaned back against the wall. She felt better. She felt stronger. Jude knew that she would always love Tommy, but she deserved someone's whole heart. Someone who would be committed to her and only her. Tommy couldn't do that while he had Sam. Jude was not going to lower herself to the other woman status. No that place was for Yvette and Eden. She would never be able to forgive herself if she was the cause of a break up. She had seen the hell her mother and sister went through. She had been there and done that. Nope. She was not going to go there again.

Jude looked up to find her big sister standing in front of her. Sadie held out her hand for Jude to take. Unbeknown to Jude and Tommy, she had watched the entire scene. As much as it hurt to see, Sadie was proud of her little sister. The Harrison sisters had survived Tom Quincy. Now, if Samantha would survive, they could start a club.Maybe they could even make t-shirts.

Tommy had never ran so fast in his life. He reached her room just as the doctors rushed in. His father held on to him. Tommy attempted to struggle out of the firm grasp.

Life slowed around Tommy. His entire life flashed before his eyes. He saw his first Christmas. His joint birthday parties with Gen. His first guitar. His first kiss. His Sunday afternoons with his parents. The first time he met Boyz Attack. His Vegas wedding to Portia. His many road trips with Kwest. The night he met Sam. The night it all fell apart. He saw meeting Jude. Kissing Jude. Falling in love with Jude. His time with Sadie. He remembered the morning he ran into Sam. Their months in Los Angeles together. Their wedding. He saw the night he kissed Jude. He felt love. He felt proud. He felt a heart wrenching amount of guilt.

The room around him fell silent. The doctors looked to him with mournful gazes. The doctor opened his mouth to call time of death.

:Beep….beep….beep..:

"Heart rate is up. BP is rising. Vitals signs are improving fast."

The occupants of the room let out woops of joy and sighs of relief. Tommy just stared at the still body in the bed. He wasn't sure what to do. He moved over to the bed and took Sam's hand. He placed a kiss on her fingers.

Those around him slipped from the room quietly. He needed her to wake up. He needed her to be okay. It was the only way he would be able to ease his guilt.