Chapter 7:

With the air in the stasis room so thick with tension you could have cut it with a mining laser, the now very weary Dwarfers made themselves ready for the opening of the second chamber. They all stood with bazookoids at the ready, again; and Holly opened the chamber door.

"And about smegging time too" said a voice from inside the stasis chamber before it was even fully opened. When the door had opened as far as it could, out stepped the dragon. "Hi guys, how are you?"

Well, it was just too much for the brave boys from the dwarf. They let the pointy ends of their bazookoids fall as their jaws hit the ground and they began to whimper. And Rimmer did that thing again.

"Well aren't you going to say hello" said the dragon with what the boys hoped was a smile and not a look of hunger.

"Hello dragon" said Holly from across the room. "Sorry about the others, I think they might just be in a bit of shock."

"Well I did warn them, Holly. I did let them know what they would find when they opened the chamber, it wasn't like I was hiding anything."

Holly just smiled and said "preparing someone to meet a dragon, I mean a real live dragon, a creature that even I thought was just myth and legend; is like preparing someone to receive a rectal exam – until it actually happens, you ain't never going to be ready for it. And even then I not so sure you could ever be prepared for either"

"Ah, yes the famous dry Holly wit. But never the less a fair and apt analogy" said the dragon. "Shall we snap them out of their mesmerisation?"

"Maybe I should do it" said Holly and proceeded to let loose with a very loud klaxon horn.

"Alright Holly, we hear you, man" said Lister, gaining enough of an awareness of his surroundings to lift the barrel of his bazookoid back up.

"A dead man could hear you, and I did; you wind-up gramophone" said Rimmer.

"Yes, well; I… I… I…., thank you Holly, maybe you can help me replace my hearing circuits when we get back to Red Dwarf? stammered Kryten.

"Are you a girl or a boy?" asked the Cat, hoping it was the former.

Lister reached over and smacked the Cat on the back of the head. "Enough of that crap, Cat."

"It's alright, Dave" said the dragon. "The Cat has asked a valid question, even though Holly has already answered it. Cat, I'm androgynous, I'm both male and female and neither; and yes, I would be happy to go on a date with you, but we can only hold hands, is that OK."

"A date's a date" said the Cat, jumping up and clicking his heels in the air.

"Now, let's get the introductions finalised, Guys; my name is so long and hard to pronounce in my language that it would take you about 3 months just to say it, so you can just call me Sam."

"Sam" said Lister, why Sam?"

"Why not?"

Lister clicked his finger and pointed at Sam and said "good point."

"That's all well and smegging good, Sam; but what we want to know is how the smeg you know so much about us" said Rimmer.

"Yes Sam" said Kryten, "we're all very curious about you pre-cognitive abilities."

"I'm not" said the Cat, batting his eye lids at the dragon. "All I want to know is would you prefer to see me in lavender or cream?"

"SHUT THE SMEG UP CAT" said everyone except Sam.

"Cheers, Kryten, you did it again?" said Lister, very impressed with his mechanical pal.

"Did what sir" asked the android.

"You said 'smeg' without stuttering."

Kryten didn't say anything, he only looked away embarrassed. If he was a human, his face would have been a very bright shade of red.

Then the dragon made a noise like a Tasmanian Devil in a blender and it scared the living smeg out of everyone, even Holly.

With a look of fear on all of their faces, the Red Dwarf crew lifted their bazookoids and pointed them straight at Sam.

"Hey! Hang on guys" said the dragon. "I was only laughing, sorry to scare you."

"That was a laugh?" said Rimmer. "I thought we were goners then, you stupid scaly smeg-head! You scared the hell out of me."

Lister leaned over to the paranoid hologram, the man who used to hang his underpants on coat hangers, and said "umm, Rimmer; it's probably not a good idea to insult a 15 foot tall dragon, if you know what I mean."

"It's alright Dave" said Sam "I won't eat poor old Arnold. He'd probably only give me indigestion anyway. Besides, as I said in my message, I'm a vegetarian."

"That's good to know, Mr… Mrs… Miss… Sam, sir… madam… err… dragon" stammered Kryten, trying hard not to embarrass himself but failing dismally.

"Beside, it's the chemicals found in some plants that let me breathe fire, meat eaters can't do that?"

"You can breathe fire" asked Lister, moving back a few steps.

"Yes, Dave. How do you think I burnt through the rock and made the tunnel you came down?"

"I knew it" exclaimed Holly smugly. "I knew that wasn't made from metal! I was right and you were wrong Kryten!"

"Yes, very good Holly; well you do have an IQ of 6000" said Kryten.

"6000s not much" said Holly. "It's the same IQ as…"

"Will someone please tell me what an IQ thing is" said the frustrated feline, plonking himself down on a crate.

Kryten and Holly attempted to make the Cat understand what IQ meant but no matter how hard they tried, the cat just didn't get it.

"It's a scientific measurement of a person's intelligence" said Kryten.

"Yea, but what is it?" said the Cat.

"It's a means by which people can ascertain the level of how other people understand the universe" said Holly.

"Yea, but what is it?" said the Cat.

"It's a smarty-pants meter" said Sam.

The Cat looked at the mechanical life-forms and said "well; why didn't you guys just say that?"

Sam made that noise that was his laugh again but this time the guys didn't wet themselves, well; maybe Rimmer did.

"Shall I tell you my story then chaps" said Sam.

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