Chapter 9:
"Organic gas-match?" said Sam, a look of anger coming over his face for the first time since the Dwarfers had encountered him.
"Err… Rimmer" said Lister quietly, "Maybe you should apologise to…"
"Don't worry Lister" said the man who could only get dates with semi-conscious and disfigured women. "The dragon said he wouldn't eat us and…"
"Arnold" said Sam smiling, but not in a happy way. "I know I said I wouldn't eat you, but if you continue to insult me I may just have to fry your light bee. Is that fair enough?"
Rimmer gulped and looked down. "Not again" he said as he did that thing yet again.
"Man, what a smeggin' pong!" said Lister, holding his nose and waving the air.
"P U" said the Cat copying his race's god's actions. "Man you need to get a tune up, maybe a service 'cos something in there needs tightening up!"
Kryten being the most sensible of the four Dwarf-keteers, apologised for Rimmer and asked Sam to please continue.
"Very well, Kryten" said Sam. "Dragons have a limited pre-cognitive ability. They see two things: They see details of their life's quest and they see their own death. I began to see images and movie-like scenes of things you guys did and things that happened to you as well as things that will happen in your future.
It all started when Dave was let out of stasis. I didn't see everything, but I did see a lot.
I saw the Cat come up from the cargo decks for the first time looking very cool and Arnold tricking Dave into doing stupid stock–takes; I saw Dave give birth to twins and I saw Kryten crash his space bike.
When the Polymorph came on board I saw you battle it; I saw Dave marry a G.E.L.F; I was there when you travelled back in time and helped JFK assassinate him-self and I was witness to the gun-fight at the Red Dwarf corral."
"You saw me marry that, thing? You do realise we needed an engine part, that's the only reason I agreed to do it" yelled Lister, standing up.
"Yes Dave: replied Sam.
"He keeps using that excuse, Sam. We don't really believe him!" said Rimmer, smiling like a git
"Yes; I know Arnold."
"You thought I looked cool?" said the Cat
"Yes Cat."
"Can we hear more please Sam" said Kryten.
"Of course Kryten" said Sam.
Sam went through the years that the Red Dwarf skeleton crew had travelled the cosmos, detailing many and varied scenarios.
"I was so happy for Arnold when he got his hard-light bee; very proud of Kryten when he got his pilots licence, shame about that time-hole through. But being in that backwards reality was a bit of fun for a while wasn't it."
"Maybe for these guys it was" said the Cat with a look on his face that let everyone know that was one adventure he'd rather not remember. "But I couldn't sit down properly for a week!"
"Oh, yes… Sorry Cat! Well, what about that time…? No, actually, we won't go into that one" said Sam.
"Which one?" Lister asked.
"Umm, does steak with blue cheese sauce give you a hint?"
"Yes, I think we might give that one a smeggin' miss if you don't mind."
"I though you might" said Sam and it continued with its story.
"You overcame the despair squid, defeated the inquisitor and you got away from Legion. You guys have done it all. But you only just made it out of Arnold's mind didn't you?"
"That place was creepy" said the Cat, screwing up his face in disgust. "I knew bone-brain's mind was warped, but that even surprised me."
"Do we have to talk about my mind" said Rimmer, embarrassed to the point of blushing.
"Dave, you found out that you were your own father and that Kris was your mother, that was exiting, wasn't it?"
Lister just looked sadly at Sam and said "it would have been a lot better if that GELF ship hadn't fired on that dimensional tunnel thingy and thrown Kris back to her side. And I only just managed to catch that tube gizmo with me in it."
"Yes, that was a bit of bad luck really" said Sam.
"Any other painful memories you'd like to bring up, Sam" said Rimmer.
"Well Arnold. We could talk about Rimmer World for a while. How long were you in that jail cell for?"
Rimmer folded his arms in defiance, pouted and his nostrils flared wider than a jumbo jet hanger. "Long e-smegging-nough, now can we talk about something else, please?"
Sam leaned over and whispered into Rimmer's ear. "Don't worry Arnold, I won't tell them the real reason why you gave up being Ace Rimmer and returned to Red Dwarf. No-one needs to know you smegged up so badly your ship ignored all of your commands and kept looking until she found a really good Ace."
"Err, yea, thanks, Sam" said Rimmer looking around to make sure none of the others heard what he had said.
"Well, what about that time you fought that psychotic virus, you sent its bony nucleus packing didn't you?"
"I lost a smeggin' arm Sam!" yelled Lister.
"But the nannos built you another one didn't they Dave" said Sam.
"Yea they did, but; ah never smeggin' mind."
Kryten asked "what else did you see Sam?"
"Well, speaking of Kryten's nannos, I saw them steal Red Dwarf and then I saw them rebuild it for you, using the original plans and you guys ended up with a really cool ship."
"It's a beaut" said Holly. There's so much more for me to do with the new one, lots of new toys to play with.
Sam smiled knowingly as he recalled the results of the nanno's work in another, really - really stupid reality, where the nannos actually rebuilt the crew as well.
"Well that's our past Sam" said Kryten. "What about our future?"
"Ah yes, now - this is where the fun really starts! Are you sure you want to know?" asked Sam.
"Yes!" said Kryten.
"Yes!" said Rimmer.
"Yes!" said Lister.
"You have really beautiful eyes Sam, did you know that" said the Cat, sighing.
The rest of the Red Dwarf Possie looked at the Cat with resignation, realising that nothing they said would actually shut him up.
"Thank you Cat" said Sam. "Now, let's tell you all about your future; the parts that I know about anyway.