Chapter 11:

Kryten was still beside himself as he tried to comprehend the fact that he would, eventually, have a beautiful garden of his own; one he could create, nurture and watch grow. Then he and the Cat started talking about all the things that they would do, still being friends and visiting each other on as regular a basis; well, as much as the Cat's royal duties would allow, of course.

"Yes, yes; that's all very exciting" said Rimmer, trying really hard not to vomit. "But what about the human Gerbil and me, what happens to us, you said we get back to Earth, isn't that right Sam?"

"Yes Arnold, you do get back to Earth" said the dragon.

"But how the smeg is that possible?" Lister said. "You said the ship the Cats give us is faster than light, but it's still going to take more than a human life-span to get their, won't it?"

"That's usually true Dave, but by the time you lot get to their planet, those brilliant Cats have discovered a way to bend space."

"Bend space?" said the Cat, looking more confused than ever. "I thought space was made of a lot of nothing; how do you bend nothing?"

"It's a very long story Cat" said Holly. "But just think of a piece of paper. If you lay it out flat the points between two ends of it are a certain distance away from each other, right? It would take a really, really long time to get from one to the other."

The Cat just looked at the Red Dwarf computer like he was speaking a different language. "What are you talking about baldy; are you trying to tell me that space is made out of paper?"

Kryten interrupted and said "no Cat, Holly's just using the paper as an analogy."

"An anal what?"

"Just shut up and listen, Cat" said Lister.

Holly continued.

"Well you see, if you roll the paper up into a tube and put the edges together, then the points are closer, in fact right next to each other, right."

"Yea, so what" said Lister, who was also looking rather confused by this point in the conversation.

Sam took back its story and said "so, you just dial in the place and time you want to go to, and the device in the ship somehow bends time and space and takes you there, simple."

"Maybe for you it is, Sam" said the Cat. "Gee, you're beautiful and smart!"

"Why thank you Cat" Sam said as it batted its eye lashes at the love starved moggy.

"Another smegging time machine" said Rimmer, not impressed. "Remember what happened the last time we tried to use one of those things?"

"This one is different Arnold" said Sam. "This one is a single trip unit only, one-way. Once you get to where you want to go it basically stops working."

'Yes but what if it doesn't work" said the worst hypnotist in the history of everything. "What if we end up somewhere else?"

"You won't Arnold; trust me."

A heated discussion, debate… ah smeg it! It was an argument and everyone began yelling at everyone else at the same time. Holly wanted to discuss the theory of relativity and how it related to the space folding stuff (hey, don't ask me; I'm only the narrator! If I knew anything about relativity or folding space do you think I'd be here narrating in a fan fic!); Kryten wanted to know what seeds he should take with him to his moon; Rimmer couldn't make anyone listen to him and his theory about why Lister was the missing link so he just started calling everyone goits; and the Cat just wanted to know what colour suit he should wear to meet the King of the Cats

Sam just stood there and smiled.

"Enough" yelled Lister. "Shut up all of you!"

They all stopped arguing and just looked at Lister like he was a boil on a bum.

"Look, we fold space with machine the Cats put in the space ship they give us! I don't care how it works just as long as it works, OK?"

"They all nodded and apologised to Lister, all except Rimmer of course. He just sat back down, folded his arms and began to pout.

"Right, thank you. Now Sam, can you tell us what happens after we fold space, please?"

"Why of course Dave, and I must say, that was very assertive of you" said Sam.

"Ass what?" said Lister, wondering if he should get angry at the dragon.

"A.S.S.E.R.T.I.V.E. Dave, assertive, it means you stood up for your self."

"Right, OK; continue."

"You go back to the day that the Dwarf got nuked, in fact, you appear just beside the ship minutes before the, err… accident happened."

"It was an accident, Sam! Don't tell me you don't believe me either" said Rimmer, his pride well and truly shattered.

Sam bent low and whispered very quietly to the person who failed his officers exam so many times that it was written up in the book 'The Official History of the Space Corps: Volume 333 – The Ten Biggest Boneheads Ever To Enlist And The Accidents They Caused. 247th Edition, 2637 AD.' - "Don't push it Arnold" said Sam. "Remember, I know what really happened."

"So you were saying, Sam? Rimmer said, very quickly changing the subject.

"So you appear next to red Dwarf, you lock on to Kristine Kochanski with the transporter and you beam her on board before smegging off back to Earth."

Lister got such a shock he dropped his bazookoid on his foot and then jumped up and down in pain before saying "you're kidding?"

"I don't kid, Dave. Well I do, but not about things like this."

"Kristine Kochanski, THE Kristine Kochanski! We beam her off the Dwarf and we go back to Earth?"

"Didn't I just say that?" said Sam, laughing his weird laugh.

"Why can't we beam me off too Sam" said Rimmer, looking really cheesed off.

Sam looked at Rimmer sadly and said "only one person can be beamed at a time Arnold and by the time Krissy is on board, you will only have seconds to jump into hyperspace and smeg off out of there or you will be affected by the radiation from the blast."

"Besides bonehead" said Lister jumping up in the air and clicking his heels; "if we take you the ship won't get nuked, and none of this will have ever happened."

"And that's a bad thing, Dave?" asked Holly.

"No, err… ummm…" muttered Lister trying to save face.

"Actually, Holly, it is" said Sam. "Stopping the Dwarf from being irradiated will cause too much of a glitch in the space-time continuum. It could be disastrous."

"Oh, Ok Sam, seeing as you put it that way. I understand" said Holly, lying through his virtual teeth.

"Well I bloody don't! It's just not fair" said Rimmer, nostrils flaring and hologrammatic tears forming in his eyes.

Holly felt just the slightest twinge of compassion for the hologram so he took all his ferret bits off and left him looking, relatively, normal.