A/N: happy Easter to everyone!
Chapter title means 'vanity of vanities' in Latin (Bible, Ecclesiastes Chap 1 verse 2).
Review responses sent out as usual.
Also thanks to: anon, J. Dawnwolf, refloc, Silver-head angel, Lumos2000, SPG inc., KellyMarie, Zodokai, Me, Queen Dragon (I hope you will read my Barty fic – put me on your author alert list if you haven't done so yet), The OddBird, Lady Emerald Black, AnnieThePipster, cokkii, Lii, Aly, hello, TheWatcherandReader, WiseAbsol, Koru-chan, Chibi Binasu-Chan, an-angel-in-hell, caramellxkissx, Chixawitch, shadow-slade, fluffyrachel, Dark S3cret
Chapter 20
Vanitatum Vanitas
It was past midnight when Artemis got into bed, and despite his extreme tiredness, sleep eluded him.
He was lying on his back, looking into the darkness.
He still couldn't believe what he had read.
Well, he could believe it, because it all made sense, but… it was just too much to take.
Getting an email from his other self who had been dead for one thousand and five hundred years was simply overwhelming.
And just to think that those archaeologists in Hungary were currently examining his skeleton… Artemis shuddered and in spite of the warm summer night, pulled his covers more tightly around himself.
From time to time he tried to persuade himself that what he'd just read wasn't real, it was only a nightmare, but again and again the Other Artemis's written words swam across his mind:
You LOVE lollipops but you would never admit to anyone. Not even to Holly…
Artemis's lips tucked into a smile. How very true. He liked lollies. Not all sorts, but the strawberry-flavoured ones he did like. Perhaps some day he'd tell Holly that he liked them after all but he had said he didn't like them because he didn't want to sound childish.
Childish? – he wondered. He doubted he ever acted childish… Well, perhaps only when he had been sulking about not being a genius anymore.
You've been a prat for months, Artemis. A stupid, pathetic idiot!
The Other Artemis was right. He had been a complete jerk. He had made not only his, but Holly's life a hell too. Surely Holly would never admit that she was suffering when seeing Artemis sulk, but Artemis knew well enough that it must have been tearing her apart.
He had shouted at her on the day of their engagement, he had been rude to her not much after she had had a nasty bout of morning sickness… He was supposed to be gentle with her, but no, he had been a brute. And still, Holly didn't reprimand him for shouting, only closed him into her arms, rocked him and soothed him…
I don't even deserve her, Artemis told himself. She's a real treasure, and I was pushing her away! I put her second after my genius! In my wedding vows, I said I had realised what a treasure she was and that I didn't want to lose her… and yet, even during the ceremony, I was lamenting over my lost genius! Idiot, idiot, idiot!
The Other Artemis, the long dead Artemis had been right. Apparently, that Artemis had had his genius, but was still unhappy. And here he was, married to the most wonderful elf in the world, having a son whom he had grown to love and who loved him back; and he was unsatisfied.
He had no reason to be unsatisfied! If he could only forget about his goddamned lost genius, he could be the happiest man on earth!
But could he ever forget about his loss? Could he ever be a whole man without his amazing brains? Could he pretend that nothing had happened? Could he pretend he wasn't missing a part of himself? Could he pretend he wasn't ashamed of being average?
I chose to become average, he reminded himself, sitting up in his bed and hugging his legs. And I made the right decision. I saved millions of lives with that decision… I only lost mine.
But have I really lost it? Hadn't my real life only started that April day when Holly appeared here at sunset, looking human and announced that she would stay with me?
He bent his head and propped his chin on his knees, deep in thought. Despite all that The Other Artemis had written, his soul was still fighting a battle: half of him knew how lucky he was to have Holly, Patrick, his family and friends; but the other – rapidly diminishing – part kept reminding him that the loss of his genius would never leave him in peace.
Hours passed, the battle in him raged, and by the time the first light of dawn filtered into the room, Artemis felt that he had won the battle. His 'longing-for-his-genius self' lay bruised and dying in a corner of his heart, his 'hopeful family man self' standing over its battered body, leering down at it with a pitiful pout.
The latter didn't hate the former, just pitied it for its greatest weakness: vanity.
It had all been about vanity after all… the whole battle had been about vanity.
Had Artemis not been so proud of his former abilities, hadn't he loved showing off his brilliance to others, its loss wouldn't have traumatized him so much.
Even at his wedding, he had been pondering what the guests would say if they found out he was no longer as bright as he used to be. He had turned down the invitations to hold lectures at universities for the same reason: he couldn't stand the thought of being asked a difficult question by an exceptionally clever student and not being able to answer it.
The world knew him as a triple Nobel Prize winning genius, and if it ever came out that something had 'addled' his brains, causing him to lose dozens, if not hundreds of IQ points, then he'd surely die of shame…
Would you, really? – he asked himself. Would it matter what others were whispering behind your back as long as you were holding Holly's hand and carrying your newborn baby in your arm? Would it matter if they were pitying you, as long as you didn't feel pitiable at all? See? No. It wouldn't matter.
In a considerably lighter mood, Artemis got up and went down for breakfast, deciding not to mention the email to anyone. Perhaps some day he'd tell Holly… her and no one else.
o o o O O O o o o
"Good morning, Dad," Patrick greeted him in the dining room where Juliet was already setting the table for breakfast.
"Good morning, Son," Artemis replied with a small, slightly forced smile. "My parents?"
"They haven't yet come down. I'm glad to have a chance to talk to you without Grandmother around…" The boy beckoned his father closer and whispered: "She was rather inquisitive last night. Of course I told her nothing but the fact that we found what we were looking for. I didn't go into details, because I didn't think it'd be a good idea to tell her about time machines… it would only confuse the poor thing."
"Yes, it surely would," Artemis said absent-mindedly.
"Are you all right?" the boy asked. "You look unusually pale, Dad."
Artemis shook his head. "It's all right, I just didn't sleep well last night."
"What do you intend to tell your mother if she asks you the same questions she asked me?"
"Well…" Truth was that Artemis didn't have the slightest idea what to tell his parents if they questioned him about their journey. For a second he wished he still had his genius because that would undoubtedly help him avoid answering unwanted questions, but as soon as this idea crossed his mind, he felt ashamed. He wasn't supposed to have such thoughts; they were disturbing, depressive and most definitely harmful.
Angeline, Artemis Fowl the First and Butler arrived a few minutes later, and as expected, Angeline immediately swooped down on her 'little Arty'.
"Good morning, Dear, how's your sleep been?" she asked her son sweetly.
"Not well, Mother, but thank you for asking," Artemis replied impassively.
"Then you weren't the only one who had a bad night," his father said, poking his fork into his scrambled eggs. "I've had a rather unpleasant dream…"
"What kind of a dream, Grandfather?" asked Patrick in the hope of making Angeline forget about the questions she wanted to ask Artemis.
"Well… it seemed quite impossible, but… in my dream, I was telling my friend about Holly being a fairy."
"Your friend?" Artemis arched an eyebrow at his father. "Which friend of yours?"
"Cesare…" His father shrugged, reaching for a piece of toast as though he didn't think much of his dream at all.
"Holy shit," Artemis muttered.
"Arty!" said Angeline, who had never heard her dignified son utter words like that.
"Do you think what I think?" said Patrick, turning to his father.
For a few seconds father and son stared at each other, then Artemis nodded. "It would make sense…"
"Obviously. He's an archaeologist. He'd love to find the grave," Patrick agreed.
"What are you two talking about?" Fowl Senior enquired, looking hopelessly confused.
"It wasn't a dream, father," Artemis said darkly. "At least, very likely it wasn't just a dream."
"What?" whispered Angeline, her dark eyes widened with shock. "You don't mean that Timmy… Timmy told…? And that it was Cavalieri who kidnapped…?"
"I have a good reason to think so." Artemis nodded, then turned to his father. "When did you tell him? Do you remember?"
Frightened by his son's scornful face and accusatory tone, Fowl Senior shook his head. "I don't remember ever telling him about Holly! Please, don't look at me like that, Artemis!"
"The engagement party," Patrick said suddenly.
"What?" the elderly man frowned.
"You were drunk." Artemis glowered at his father. "And you left the house with Cavalieri. You were walking in the garden for at least ten minutes… Do you remember anything of what you two were conversing about?"
"I don't even remember leaving the house with Cesare…" Fowl Senior replied. "It can't be possible that I told him… I would never… It was just a dream, I…"
"If I may mention it, sir, drunk people tend to spill the beans…" Butler said matter-of-factly. "I wouldn't accuse you of actually having revealed the existence of fairies to Mr Cavalieri, but the possibility cannot be ruled out."
"Dom's right, sir," Juliet chimed in. "I remember Joe the Bone-cracker after having drunk five tequilas: he was merrily talking about his passion for wearing female underwear… That was when I stopped idolising him."
"Father," Artemis turned to Fowl Senior with a serious expression.
"Look, Son, I'm terribly sorry if it was really me who told Ces-"
"Don't apologise, Father," Artemis held up a hand to stop the tirade that was to come. "There's no use crying over spilt milk, is there? Just tell me: does your precious friend Cesare have an estate here in Ireland? And if yes, where?"
"Well…" The lord of Fowl Manor scratched his jaw, thinking. "As far as I remember, he has a manor near Kilkenny…"
"Then we're going to pay him a little visit there," Artemis said firmly.
"You don't think Mum is being held there, do you, Dad?" wondered Patrick.
"Can you imagine Cavalieri dragging Holly as far as his Italian home when he could just take her to Kilkenny? He's more parsimonious than anyone I know, I doubt he'd spend money on taking her abroad."
"Well… that sounds sensible," the boy admitted. "But will he let us enter and investigate? I doubt that…"
"He will… if you use mesmer on him," replied Artemis with a sly smile.
"Oh… good idea, Dad. Can you take me to the oak tree where you first met Mum?"
"Let's go, Son." Artemis stood up from the table, followed by Patrick.
"But… but Arty, you have barely touched your breakfast!" Angeline said reproachfully. "If you continue like this, you'll get even thinner than you already are!"
"Your mother's right, Artemis, you look like someone who hasn't been eating much lately," perceived Butler. "And you're very pale too. I've been watching you since we began eating breakfast and you look like someone who's seen a ghost."
A ghost? No, I just got an email from my dead self, but everything's fine, old friend, Artemis thought, but aloud he only said: "Don't worry about me, Butler, I'm all right. Come, Son." He turned his back on the others and headed for the door, but his father called after him:
"Artemis!"
Heaving a sigh, the young man doubled back. "Yes, Father?"
"How… how can I ever make it good?" Fowl Senior said with a desperate, shameful expression.
"Don't ever drink alcohol again. That's all, Father," Artemis replied coldly and left the house with his son in his wake.
o o o O O O o o o
Ops Booth, Police Plaza"Any news on Fowl?" barked Commander Root at the centaur who was deeply immersed in watching something on one of his many computer screens.
"None," Foaly replied, never taking his eyes off the monitor.
"And you're saying that so calmly?" snapped Root.
Foaly looked up at his boss with an annoyed expression. "Would it help if I became as jittery as you are, Julius?"
"First: I'm not jittery, second: don't-"
"…Call me Julius, I knoooow," the centaur drawled. "I'll tell you as soon as something happens."
With that the centaur again sank into an oblivious-to-the-outside-world state, his eyes fixed on the screen.
Root, annoyed that 'pony boy' wasn't giving him as much attention as he deserved, crept behind the centaur to look over his shoulders at the monitor. After a few seconds he realised that he was watching some Irish TV channel. It seemed to be a live broadcast, and the people it showed were undoubtedly mad. They were dressed up as a bunch of freaks in longish, robe-like things, some of them slashing with colourful rods.
"And now," said a reporter-look-a-like on the screen, "let me ask you a few questions." She turned to a man wearing what looked like a rubber mask that resembled a mixture of a duck and a frog with two long, leathery ears. "You're dressed up as Jar Jar Binks, is that right?"
"Very much so." The person nodded eagerly.
"So, Jar Jar, do you visit the Annual Meeting of Irish Star Wars fans every year?"
"Almost every year, yes. I've got loads of friends here, see…"
"When did you arrive for this meeting, Jar Jar?"
"I only arrived a few hours ago, but some have been here since yesterday morning. After all, the meeting lasts three days!"
"What?" barked Julius. "Foaly! You're watching a broadcast of some freakish Star Wars fan meeting?"
The centaur turned around, rolling his eyes. "I needed something to take my mind off worrying about Fowl and his stupid time-travel mission. Besides, Holly's here at the meeting and I'm just making sure everything's all right."
"Oh… I forgot she was going there," Root admitted, his features softening a bit. Then, as quick as his softness had come, it vanished to be replaced by an angry Beetroot-face. "What about your job, eh? Consider today's wages docked from your salary!"
"Keep your hair on, Julius and be so kind to remain silent. It's not every day I get to watch a live broadcast of a Star Wars fan meeting!"
His face redder than the setting sun, Root opened his mouth to shout at Foaly, then thought better of it and marched out of Ops Booth.
o o o O O O o o o
Artemis parked the Jeep by the oak tree and Patrick practically jumped out of the vehicle, looking for an acorn. He had to search through the undergrowth quite thoroughly to find a battered, half-broken acorn that must have fallen off the tree the previous autumn, as it was the middle of summer, too early to find any freshly fallen ones.
"This will do," he said, pocketing the acorn. "Let's go back to Fowl Manor and I'll bury it in the garden."
His father nodded, his eyes distant. He was staring at the nearby river, memories of happy hours he'd spent here with Holly rushing to him.
"Catch me!" Holly ran into the water, the tiny sparks of reflected sun dancing around her almost naked body (she was only wearing a tiny bikini and matching top). It was the end of April, but unusually hot for the season: around twenty-seven Celsius degrees. Artemis put this down to the greenhouse effect and under normal circumstances he would have been thoroughly annoyed by it (he was an avid environmental protector, after all), but as he watched his pretty girlfriend wearing next to nothing, droplets of water coursing down her neck into her tiny top, he couldn't feel annoyed at having such wonderful weather in April.
Holly splashed water around herself like a little girl, squealing with delight. "It isn't even that cold!" she called to Artemis. "Come on in, you'll love it!
Artemis felt an irresistible urge to join her in the water, wrap his arms around her slim frame and take her right there, but he didn't budge from the bank.
"What are you waiting for?" Holly shouted, beckoning to him.
Artemis made a grimace. "I can't swim."
For a second she seemed appalled, then shrugged. "I'll teach you then. No need to be afraid, there isn't much drift, this is quite a peaceful river…"
Artemis still hesitated.
"Oh come on, don't tell me that you, Fowl of Jungle, hero of Second Tenochtitlan, vanquisher of Quartz Quench, are afraid of learning to swim?" Holly goaded him with a lopsided smile. "Tell you what, you'll get an reward if you manage to learn it quick."
"What kind of a reward?" Artemis raised an eyebrow at her.
"Weeell… I never really intended to try to make love outdoors, but… I might change my mind…"
"Whoa, Miss Short…" Artemis grinned at her. "That sounds quite like a reward worth working for."
Despite being a complete anti-talent in all kinds of physical exercises (except lovemaking, Holly said he was pretty talented in that area), Artemis managed to learn a somewhat clumsy breaststroke within an hour. And he got his reward.
His lips tucked into a dreamy smile at the memory of the 'awarding ceremony'.
It had been nice with Holly in his bedroom, no doubt about that, but it didn't compare to what if felt like at the river-bend with the sun shining down at them, the wind caressing their bare skin... He had never felt so alive, so fulfilled, so happy even.
Yes, happy. Definitely happy. The feeling of a soft, warm body in his arms, the knowledge that he was loved more than he ever expected to be loved… Here at the river-bend he had always managed to forget about his lost genius. Here he had allowed himself to be lost in Holly's love, to hide himself from the cruelty of the outside world in her arms… That love had been his haven, the only 'place' where he felt comfortable, satisfied and at peace.
"Are you all right, Dad?" Patrick said as he flopped down on the passenger seat.
Artemis nodded, tearing his glance from the river and from 'Their Place'.
"You know… I've been thinking," said the boy as his father drove the Jeep onto the country road. "About what Grandpa said. If we had only known that it was Cavalieri whom he'd told about Mum being a fairy, we wouldn't even have needed to go to Hungary. We wouldn't have needed to go back in time. Actually… I think we did it all in vain."
"No," Artemis reply quietly. "It wasn't in vain."
Patrick glanced at his father, studying his profile for a while, but decided not to question him. He seemed serious, though. Did his father know things that he, Patrick didn't know?
Relieved that his son wasn't asking any more questions, Artemis drove on, his insides filled with anticipation. If they managed to get into Cavalieri's Manor and rescue Holly, then he'd never be unhappy again. He wouldn't allow himself to be unhappy as long as she was at his side.
Patrick was wrong thinking that the journey back in time had been in vain. Despite all the hardships he had gone through in Attila's camp, despite almost dying and seeing his beloved son die, despite changing history and living a different and horrible life for a while, the journey to the past had been the best thing that could have happened to Artemis… because it made him understand that Holly, Patrick, his parents and the Butlers were what mattered, and his genius or lack thereof was only second after family and friends.
He wasn't sure he'd ever manage to get rid of all of his vanity that had so far made his non-genius life a hell, but he had already managed to let go of a considerable part of it…
"What are we going to do with Cavalieri and his female accomplice once we're in his manor?" Patrick wondered. "We can't turn them in to the Police, can we?"
"Well…" Artemis shrugged. "You're the genius. You have a few hours before we get to visit Signor Greediness. Come up with a plan."
Patrick made a grimace. "Thanks for the help, Dad."
o o o O O O o o o
Cesare Cavalieri's Manor near Kilkenny"Still no news on Fowl!" huffed Emese, dropping herself into an armchair by the window.
"You gave him three more days, remember?" the archaeologist said, his eyes fixed on the television. "The three days will be up tomorrow. He will surely contact us by tomorrow midnight if he wants to see his precious wife whole again…"
"If only we still had that little tramp locked up!" she sighed. "I don't like the idea of bluffing… we might get lucky that Fowl returns with the coordinates of the grave in the belief that his wife is still our captive, but if he finds out somehow that she escaped, he would never give us the coordinates! Are you listening to me at all, Cesare?" She glowered at the man who was staring at the TV unblinkingly.
"The fairy's there," he whispered.
"What?"
"I've just seen her on TV!" The man turned to her with a half-shocked, half-elated expression.
Emese paled. "You don't mean she's giving an interview to the Police right now?"
"No." Cavalieri shook his head. "She's playing Jedi at the Annual Meeting of Irish Star Wars Fans."
"What the…?" breathed the woman. "You don't mean you've been watching a Star Wars meeting, Cesare?"
"Well…" The man blushed a bit. "Actually… I've liked this movie series since I was a kid. I remember seeing Episode IV – The New Hope at age ten… It was marvellous. Different from anything I'd ever seen before… In 1977 spaceships and androids and all kinds of funny-looking aliens were something completely new… I idolised George Lucas…"
Emese rolled her eyes. "I don't care whom you idolised as a child, Cesare! Are you absolutely sure it was our little escapee you saw there?"
"A thousand percent sure, my dear."
"Well, then… what are we waiting for?"
"Er… indeed." Cesare stood up and reluctantly switched off the TV. "We'll be needing costumes, though."
"What?" Miss Hunfalvy arched an eyebrow at her boss.
"Costumes. You need costumes to enter the fan meeting. Entry is free but you need to be wearing a costume from the movies," the archaeologist said cheerfully. "Luckily I have an old Jedi robe that I wore to a friend's wedding twenty years ago… You know, my friend was just as crazy a Star Wars fans as I was, and he'd met his wife in a Star Wars fan club. They got married in Han Solo and Princess Leia costumes and instead of the bridal march the band was playing the Star Wars fanfare…"
"You can't expect me to dress up like Princess Leia?" Emese snapped.
"You can dress up like Jabba the Hutt if you want, my dear." Cesare shrugged. "And we'll need to get costumes for the guards as well…"
"How many of them do you intend to take?" she asked.
"Five or six at least. Someone needs to be able to fight if something goes amiss… As far as I remember there's a nice shop in Kilkenny where you can rent costumes. We'll get the guards a few wookiee get-ups…"
Emese made a grimace. "They'll look charming for sure."
o o o O O O o o o
Fowl Manor"I've got it," Artemis told Butler in his study. "Father was right, according to the records of the Land Registry, Cesare Cavalieri indeed has an estate near Kilkenny. I even downloaded a map to help us get there."
"Aren't the records of the Land Registry secret?" The one-time bodyguard raised an eyebrow at the young man.
Artemis gave Butler an indulgent smile. "Of course they are. But it wasn't that hard to hack into them. Luckily I got enough experience in hacking in the last twenty years, so I could pull it off without any difficulty. It was a standard hacking procedure, it didn't require a genius. Tell Juliet to get ready."
"She's ready and so am I," replied the elderly man.
"You aren't coming," Artemis said. "Your heart…"
Butler put an arm on his one-time charge's shoulder. "My heart is fine. I haven't had any problems for a while, and just driving you lot to Kilkenny won't do me any harm."
Artemis gave his old friend a grateful smile. "It's good to have you around, Butler."
For a second, the manservant thought he'd seen tears glinting in the young man's eyes, but convinced himself that he'd been imagining things.
o o o O O O o o o
"Be careful, Arty!" Angeline said in a trembling voice, wringing her hands as Artemis, Butler, Juliet and Patrick headed for the Jeep (Artemis thought that the Bentley wouldn't be big enough for five if they managed to retrieve Holly).
"Don't worry, Mother, everything's going to be all right," Artemis said, trying to sound confident.
"Son," his father called after him. "I'd like to come."
"You, Father? Why?"
Fowl Senior heaved a sigh. "It was me who brought it all about. I want to come along to help you put it right."
A small smile appeared on Artemis's face. "Mother's nervous enough as it is, I can't let her be even more nervous just because you left with us. I appreciate the gesture, but I think it's better if you stay here. We might need to run or something, and with your artificial leg…"
"Artemis, I-"
The young man held up a hand to stop his father talking. "I'm not angry with you if that's what you're worried about. Anyone can make mistakes, and I trust you've learned from yours."
Fowl Senior nodded with a remorseful expression. "I'm not drinking alcohol ever again."
Artemis stepped to his father and put a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure you won't. Wish us good luck, Father."
Artemis the First gave his son a grateful glance. "Good luck, Son. Bring Holly back. God knows, I've grown fond of her… and she makes you happy, I can see it, so she can only be a wonderful person."
"Yes, she makes me happy," young Fowl said with a smile. "And we'll bring her back."
"Arty! Hey, Arty!" a voice – or two voices? – called to him.
Fowl Senior and Junior, Angeline, Patrick and the Butlers all turned in the direction of the garden gate where Mulch Diggums appeared. Correction, where two Mulch Diggumses appeared.
The lady of Fowl Manor stared at the dwarves with utter horror on her face – she had never liked Mulch, let alone two of him!
"What happened to you, Smelly?" Juliet said, her blue eyes widening with surprise. "Did someone clone you or something?"
"No." Mulch1 grinned.
"It was just a bit of messing with time," Mulch2 added.
Angeline and her husband exchanged confused looks, and seeing their confusion, Artemis decided it wasn't advisable to discuss time-travel in front of his parents. "Let's get into the Jeep, shall we?"
"Where are we going?" enquired Mulch1.
"To save Holly," Juliet replied. "We have a suspicion where we might find her. And on the way there you can tell us about your… er, accident."
"Gladly, Stinker," replied Mulch2 and got into the Jeep after Patrick.
o o o O O O o o o
"So, how come there're two of you?" Juliet asked as soon as they had got out of the area of Fowl Manor.
"To tell you the truth, Stinker, not even I understand it completely," Mulch1 replied. "I remember having come back to Ireland with Arty, seeing Haven in total chaos…" The dwarf didn't see Artemis waving to silence him and carried on, "I also remember Arty telling me of that horrible chick Delylah and that if his plan – whatever it was – succeeded, then there might be two of me, but… to tell you the truth I didn't really understand why… Never mind, I trusted our little genius and stole a camfoil for him, and shortly after that my other self appeared with no memories of Delylah and chaotic Haven and the camfoil stealing… right, old boy?"
Mulch2 nodded vigorously.
"What happened to Haven? Who's Delylah? And why did you steal a camfoil?" Patrick enquired.
"Doesn't matter, not important at all," Artemis said hastily. "We must concentrate on our saving-Holly mission right now…"
"We'll arrive at Kilkenny in three hours," Butler reminded him. "There's loads of time until then, and I'm curious to hear Mulch's story."
Artemis made a sour expression. "Are you sure you want to hear it? All of you?"
"I definitely want to," said Juliet firmly. "Patrick?"
"Ditto."
Artemis's expression got even more wry and paler as well. "Then I think it's me who has to tell you, not Mulch… not either of the Mulches, that is," he said heavily. "They don't know many things that I know…"
"I'm all ears, Arty," said Juliet.
"Yeah, fire away." Mulch2 nodded.
"Well…" Artemis stared out the window at the lush green landscape flashing by, "last night I got a rather funny email…"
Patrick, the Diggumses and the Butlers listened to Artemis's slightly clumsy retelling of the 'time accident' and by the time Artemis said '…and it made me realise that my genius isn't the most important thing after all', all of his listeners were gaping at him, wide-eyed.
"So… that was you, then?" Mulch2 gulped. "The skeleton they were talking about on the TV…"
Artemis nodded, not meeting the others' eyes. He hadn't wanted them to know… he had wanted to keep this a secret… He didn't know when he'd last felt this uncomfortable.
"Whew, never heard anything this morbid before," Juliet commented. "And this is coming from someone who loves watching horror movies…"
"Dad…" Patrick spoke up.
"Yes?" asked Artemis, still staring out the window, deliberately to not meet anyone's eyes.
"I'm proud of you," the boy said simply. "What you did was… the most stupidly heroic thing I've ever heard."
"It wasn't me, remember?" Artemis shook his head. "It was my other self."
"It was still you, just in another dimension," Butler said wisely. "And indeed, it was heroic."
Artemis rolled his eyes. "I don't like being called a hero. It just doesn't suit me. I'm a gold-maniac fairy-kidnapper, remember?"
"That was a long time ago." Juliet smiled. "Before you fell for Holly. And your love for her made you a better person."
"Will you please all stop giving me a big head?" Artemis sighed. "I'm currently trying to fight down my inherent vanity and you're not making it easier for me if you put me on such a high pedestal…"
"Honestly… a modest Arty… I never thought I'd live to see that." Mulch1 grinned.
Artemis sent him a withering glance. "Let's not talk about it anymore, shall we?"
"At least not for a while, huh?" said Juliet. "After all, as soon as Holly sees the 'Diggums Twins', she too will demand an explanation."
"I'd rather she didn't," the Irishman replied darkly. "Patrick, could you make up something… a cover story we could tell Holly without mentioning the parallel universe? I just can't find it in my heart to tell her about… Delylah."
"Why, what's wrong about it?" wondered Mulch2. "You had a nasty wife in your other life. So what?"
"So what?" Artemis snapped. "I slept with that bitch, even when I remembered Holly! I cheated on Holly!"
"You did not." Patrick shook his head. "You were forced to do her bidding if you wanted to stay out of prison to have a chance to save Mum."
Artemis hid his face in his palms to close out everyone's curious glances. "Don't tell me that shagging Delylah too was heroic…" he whispered, not even expecting an answer.
"Sometimes it's not the act that matters but the intentions," Patrick replied calmly, reaching out to put a hand on his father's hunched back and gently patted it. "Your intentions were good.
Artemis suddenly looked up, his face pale but determined. "Still, I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"Okay, let's talk about something else, then," Juliet said brightly. "Pat told me you came with him and Arty to Fowl Manor but you left shortly after, Mulch. Did you visit your Opal in Haven?"
"Which one of us are you asking?" wondered Mulch2.
"The one who refused Granny's cookies, I presume," Patrick said.
"That's me, then," Mulch2 said. "And no, I haven't visited Opal… Had other things to do. And then I ran into my other self and we had suddenly so much to talk about…"
"Like the funny indigestion you had?" Artemis arched an eyebrow at both dwarves.
"Well…" The two Mulches looked at each other. "That doesn't matter. It's gone," said Mulch1.
"For me too," agreed Mulch2.
"Why do I have a feeling that you're keeping something a secret from us?" Artemis said sharply.
"I don't know, why?" Mulch2 shrugged. "And you, Mulch?"
"Dunno… Arty's imagining things," Mulch1 replied with an innocent expression.
"Right, I think I can see a halo around your heads," Patrick told the dwarves with a smirk.
"Yeah, but ours isn't as bright as Arty's, is it?" commented Mulch1.
Seeing Artemis's annoyed expression in the rearview mirror, Butler knew that it was time to change the subject. "So, what do you think of today's weather?"
o o o O O O o o o
Cesare Cavalieri's manor near KilkennyJohnny the Bulky was standing before the front door of Signor Cavalieri's manor with a grim expression on his face. He had learned and exercised this grim expression for years and years to be able to give the image of a perfect guard.
Usually guarding duty was utterly boring and completely uneventful. The only interesting case that had happened in the last two years had been the bride's flight. Cavalieri's girlfriend, that bad-tempered Hungarian woman had been beside herself with anger when she realised that their captive had fled and she'd been screaming insults at all the guards, Johnny included.
Truth be told, Johnny still didn't know how their captive had managed to escape. It was simply beyond his mental abilities to guess – but it wasn't surprising: after all, there were many-many things that were beyond his abilities to comprehend.
The 'bride' had fled two days ago, and today it seemed that something was happening again. Johnny was puzzled, because in his earlier time spent as a guard only one or two 'interesting' things happened in a year, and now several things were happening in just a couple of days.
For example, his master and mistress had left with most of the guards just an hour ago. They seemed to be in a hurry and some of them were muttering about 'Jedi robes'. Johnny didn't have the slightest idea what an archaeologist and his hysterical assistant could want Jedi robes for unless they were about to attend that Star Wars fan meeting. Weird, to say the least! Not to mention that our noble guard was annoyed that he hadn't been chosen by Signor Cavalieri to accompany him to that fan meeting. Johnny was a huge fan of Star Wars. He liked every weapon and ship in it: everything that flashed, gave threatening roars and blasted things. His favourite was the Death Star for its ability of exploding whole planets. He had been downright angry with Luke Skywalker when he'd destroyed the Death Star…
All in all, Johnny the Bulky was having a strange day.
And now, to make this strange day even stranger, a Jeep turned into the alley that led up to the manor.
Johnny had never seen anyone arrive in a Jeep before. Surely it wasn't Signor Cavalieri or Mistress Emese…
The guard watched as several people got out of the vehicle: first a red-haired boy of about twelve years, followed by a black-haired young man in his twenties. Then came two tiny fellows both of whom emitted a funny smell that Johnny could smell even at a distance (he suspected it was sunscreen), and finally a woman with glorious, blonde hair and innocent, wide, dreamy blue eyes.
The driver remained in his seat.
"Stick your eyes back into their sockets, Pal," the pretty blonde woman said as she traipsed up the stairs to where the guard was standing.
"Who… who are you? And what do you want here?" Johnny asked, trying to look as grim as possible, but with a beautiful creature like this blonde angel in front of him, his features refused to be as grim as he would have liked them to be.
"I am the son of Mr Cavalieri's friend, Artemis Fowl the First," the young man with black hair said. "And I would like to speak with Mr. Cavalieri."
"Sorry, Mr Fowl, but Signor Cavalieri isn't home."
"Then perhaps his assistant?" asked the red-haired boy. "He does have an assistant, right? A female one?"
"Y… no. He doesn't have an assistant. Why do you think he does?" Johnny said quickly. He remembered that Miss Emese's presence was supposed to be kept a secret. He didn't even know the woman's family name (nor did the other guards); she was such a BIG secret!
"Tell the truth, Mr Guard," the young boy said in a sweet voice. Johnny had never heard such a wonderful, mellifluous voice! He had never wanted to reply to any question so much before!
"Miss Emese isn't here either," he said simply.
"Oh, good boy. So this Emese person is Cavalieri's assistant," the boy concluded. "And if they aren't here, what about that red-haired woman they are keeping captive here?"
"She isn't here either," the guard said.
"Did Cavalieri and his assistant move the prisoner to another place?" the boy enquired.
"No. The prisoner escaped."
"Escaped?" gasped the black-haired man. "When did she escape?"
"Two days ago. The Mr and the Missus have been beside themselves with anger ever since… but today they must have found out where the red-haired girlie went because they decided to go somewhere with many guards, perhaps to recapture her or something…" Johnny said helpfully.
The young man and the boy exchanged a glance.
"Do you know where they went?" the boy enquired.
"Not exactly, but I have an idea… they wanted Jedi robes, see…"
"Jedi robes?" one of the smelly little men grunted. "Why would they need such a thing?"
"Er… dunno. Perhaps they want to go to the Star Wars fan meeting?" Johnny shrugged.
"Star Wars fan meeting?" the black-haired man said with an incredulous expression.
"Could be, Arty. There's the Annual Meeting of Irish Star Wars Fans in Drogheda right now," the blonde angel replied.
"But what would Holly be doing there?" the young man demanded.
"No idea…"
"Well then, thank you for the information, Mr Guard," the red-haired boy said, his blue eyes boring into Johnny's.
"You're welcome." Johnny grinned. What a delightful thing it was to help people!
"And now, you will forget that we were here," continued the boy. "No one was here while your masters were away. You didn't tell anyone about anything."
"I didn't tell anyone anything…" Johnny echoed the boy's words. "Er… what didn't I tell anyone? And who is the anyone I didn't tell anything?"
Five minutes later when another guard who had been patrolling inside the building came to change places with Johnny, he found the bulky man gazing at the fake-marble steps with an empty expression.
"Hey, you all right, old guy?"
Johnny looked up and said dreamily: "Nice to see someone at last. I haven't seen anyone all morning. It's been rather dull… wish I could have told someone something, but no one came along…"
o o o O O O o o o
"Escaped! Hah! That's my girl! She escaped!" Artemis said with an enraptured expression on his face as he sank into the soft back seat of the Jeep.
"That's great, Artemis, but we don't know where to look for her now," Butler said. "And the question arises: if she escaped two days ago, why hasn't she come back to Fowl Manor yet?"
"I think she must have thought the manor was bugged or something," Patrick replied. "And we know where she is… or at least we have a suspicion."
"But… a Star Wars fan meeting?" Butler shook his shaven head in disbelief. "What would she be doing there?"
"I don't know," Artemis said. "But perhaps someone else knows it."
"Foaly?" suggested Patrick.
His father nodded. "If Holly indeed thought that Fowl Manor was bugged, she would have tried to contact Foaly at least, don't you think?"
"Sounds logical. Let's contact Foaly then, shall we?" the boy replied.
Artemis fished his laptop out of its safe compartment and opened the secret channel to Foaly.
The centaur's face appeared on the screen, this time quicker than any time before when Artemis or Holly had tried to initiate a conversation.
The centaur looked excited, exhilarated and livid at the same time. "Fowl!" he yelled. "What the d'Arvitting hell were you thinking, eh?"
"Is Commander Root dead by any chance?" Artemis said.
"Why?" Foaly blinked.
"Because you seem to be channelling his spirit…" Artemis replied. "What exactly did you mean by 'what the 'd'Arvitting hell was I thinking'?"
The centaur's face reddened again. "It's 17th July, Fowl! The 17th! You were supposed to go back in time on the 15th, and return on the 15th and immediately contact us! But no! You thought you had all the time in the world and let poor Foaly go mad with worry about you and Patrick!"
"And me?" Mulch1 stuck his face before the screen. "Weren't you worried about me as well?"
The centaur rolled his eyes.
"And what about me?" Mulch2 too stuck his face before the screen.
Now Foaly, instead of rolling his eyes, looked like someone who had just been struck by a lightning. "Diggums! What the… what the… why are there two of you?"
"A little time-accident," Artemis said. "That's what delayed me… but let's talk about it later. Now tell me, has Holly contacted you after she escaped?"
"Oh, so you know she escaped?" Foaly said sharply.
"Just found out," Patrick replied. "And we heard something about a Star Wars fan meeting and we were wondering if Mum really went there…"
"Well, she did." Foaly shrugged.
"But why?"
"Because the three blokes who gave her a lift were going there. I suggested to her she stay away from Fowl Manor as long as you were abroad. So, for the time being, our Holly's sitting at a conference centre in Drogheda, dressed up as a Jedi Knight. I've been watching the live broadcast for over a day now. It's fun, really."
"Soon it won't be that much fun," Artemis replied darkly. "Cavalieri, his female accomplice and several of their gorillas are en route to Drogheda to recapture Holly. They are even going to get Jedi robes to be able to mingle with the fans."
"Ouch. That's not good news…" The centaur grimaced. "I've got to tell Julius. He might decide to send some fairies there… or not. If it came out that Holly was living happily as a Mud Woman, there'd be a HUGE scandal. I think you'll be on your own, Arty. I'm supporting you from here."
"Thanks for nothing," Artemis grunted and before Foaly could answer, he ended the call.
o o o O O O o o o
A/N: yeah, not exactly an exciting chapter, just a bridge one. Hopefully the next one you will find more exciting.
Also, I know that the acorn needs to be picked at full moon, but let's imagine it is going to be full moon the following night, or it was full moon the previous night, so the acorn still works :)
Review, please!