A/N: I'm proud to announce that my Bartimaeus fic is finished. I intend to start posting it shortly after I finish posting Sword of God. My Barty fic has 25 chapters and is 188 pages long in Word (size 12, font Times New Roman). So, by page-count, it's a little shorter than The Aztec incident, but barely. It's been a three-month long work, as I started writing it at the beginning of February. This was the second 'quickest-finished' novel-length fic I've ever written (only The Greatest Shame was finished quicker, in about two months - but Shame was even longer, around 300 pages).
Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know, in case you want to read the Bartimaeus trilogy by Jonathan Stroud (or at least its first two books, as my fic is based on the first two books only) before I start posting the fic. You have at least a month to do so ;)
Review responses sent out, as usual. Also thanks to: Lumos2000, hogwartscharmed1, blondevil, cokkii, rehilaration, nandhp, athleticsrulz, frenchpiment, J. Dawnwolf, Moon Vampire, septempopuli, Longsworder, Grim Lupine, welovechocolate, Rebel Rose, SPG inc., The OddBird, Koru-chan, Annie-morphs, LettuceNPudding, The Flying Moose, hello, AnnieThePipster, Soccer101, ebtwisty9, Zorndyke, Queen Dragon, Lady Emerald Black, WiseAbsol, mystic weaver
Chapter 22
Double Mulch Is Double Trouble… Or Not?
Opal Koboi's house, Haven
Opal was sulking. No matter how many times she had called that idiotic pony, he never deigned to tell her where her Mulchie was, even though she was sure he knew it well. Damn that centaur!
Sometimes she even thought that Mulch had probably got bored of her and decided to escape… At the moment she was having such thoughts again.
Mulch can't leave me! Especially not now! Her tiny hands balled into fists, and she felt she was on the verge of tears. Quite remarkable for someone like her; as she hadn't cried since she was two. Not once. And yet, she felt like crying now. She loved that sodding dwarf and she didn't want to lose him!
Relax, Opal, she told herself. Don't be nervous, it might endanger your health…
She took a deep breath and exhaled. Everything's going to be all right. It has to…
She felt her eyelids droop. Recently she had always been tired. A hazy image of Mulch drifted across her mind as she abandoned herself to sleep.
The creaking of the door woke her up mere minute later. She sat bolt upright on the sofa, her face alert and her eyes radiating excitement. It could only be her beloved dwarf!
"Mulch, is that you?" she called out.
"Who else, luv?" The dwarf burst into the living room with open arms and a wide smile on his face, followed by another madly grinning Mulch. Both of them were wearing funny-looking robes with capes and were hurrying towards her.
For a second Opal didn't believe her eyes. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes. "It must be because of my condition," she muttered to herself. "Double-vision all right…"
"What are you talking about, sweetums?" Mulch (the one on the right) flopped down on the sofa next to her. "Are you feeling sick?"
"Why, of course, she missed her Mulchie so much that it made her sick," the dwarf on the left said, sitting down on Opal's other side.
Miss Koboi looked to her right. Then to her left. "I must be very sick…" she whispered, as white as a sheet.
"What's hurting you, honey? Should I kiss it better?" The Mulch on the left offered, nuzzling his face into the crook of her neck. Opal shuddered with pleasure and closed her eyes to abandon herself to his kisses. Yeah, it must have been double-vision, she told herself, relishing the dwarf's ministrations. But is there a thing like 'double-feeling'? – she wondered. Because, however funny it may sound, she felt as though her boyfriend was kissing her neck from both sides. Must be a trick of her mind… She reminded herself that Mulch couldn't have kissed her from both sides at the same time… it was against all the laws of physics, biology and even contradicted common sense!
And still, what she felt was the touch of two pairs of dwarf lips. Both a bit prickly due to his beard, but pleasant, nevertheless.
A kiss from the right…
A kiss from the left…
A kiss from… both sides at once!
Opal's eyes flew open and she stared at the dwarf on her right. "Mulch!" she breathed.
"Yes, dear?"
She turned left. "Mulch!"
"Yes, honey?"
This was too much for her mind to take without getting a short-circuit, so Opal chose the easiest way to switch it off before she could acquire brain damage: she fainted.
o o o O O O o o o
Fowl Manor"Arty!" Angeline ran out of the building towards the little group getting out of the Jeep. "Holly!" She flung herself on her son and daughter-in-law's necks, pulling them both so close they thought they'd suffocate on the spot. "You're alive! You're both alive and fine! Thank heaven!" She pulled back a bit to look at them more thoroughly, making sure that neither of them had suffered any injuries. "What… what kind of clothes are you wearing?"
"We're dressed up as Star Wars fans, Madam," Juliet said brightly. "See, I'm Princess Leia! Dom's a Jedi, and so is Holly. Arty's the dashing Han Solo! Patrick's a… dunno what because he didn't dress up as anything, but the Mulches were Jawas. Too bad you can't see their costumes… they asked us to stop by Tara and got off there."
Angeline gaped at Juliet with an expression that suggested she didn't have the slightest idea what Jedi or Jawas were, let alone Princess Leia… "Well, come in, and quickly tell me what happened! I want to know everything!"
"Not so fast, Angeline," Artemis the First said gently, walking down the stairs into the garden. "They'll want to rest a bit first, especially Holly, she's gone through too much…" He stepped to his daughter-in-law with a remorseful expression. "I don't know if my son told you, but…"
"I know it was you who told Cavalieri I was a fairy," Holly said. "Artemis told me. And I don't blame you, Mr Fowl." She put a hand on the elderly man's shoulder. "Don't blame yourself. Everything turned out all right after all…"
"Yeah, with the exception that you'll never see old Cesare again," Juliet chimed in.
"What? You didn't kill him, did you?" Fowl Senior breathed.
"No, Grandpa," Patrick spoke up. "We didn't harm him in any way… if he gets hurt, then it's not our doing…"
"…but that of the dinosaurs," Juliet whispered to the boy so that the Fowl parents wouldn't hear her. Patrick chuckled softly.
"Well then, let's go in, shall we?" Angeline suggested. "Arty, take off these ridiculous clothes, then take your wife into bed!"
"That's exactly what I was intending to do…" Artemis smirked in a cocky way.
"You know what I meant…" Angeline rolled her eyes. "She needs rest!"
"What I really need now is a wedding night," Holly replied with an impish smile, slipping her hand into her husband's. "We still haven't had it… shall we make up for it, Mr Fowl?"
"Gladly, Mrs. Fowl," Artemis replied, bending down to kiss her lightly on the lips.
"Owww, get a room!" Patrick grimaced.
"We will," Artemis replied, and before Holly could have resisted, he picked her up and started carrying her upstairs.
"Wait, Artemis!" She banged her fists on his shoulders. "Stop!"
"What, honey? Forgot something?"
"Yeah. To give your mum her earrings back." She quickly pulled the diamond earrings out of her ears and held them out to her mother-in-law. "That's the only part of my wedding attire that I managed to keep safe. I hope you find them in perfect condition, Mrs Fowl."
"It's not my earrings I wanted to see in perfect condition, but you, dear child," Angeline said gently, taking the diamonds from Holly. "And please, do call me Angeline."
"All right, Angeline." Holly nodded, putting her arms around Artemis's neck. "Well, Artemis, shall we?"
"Definitely, my beautiful Jedi Knight."
Angeline watched the young couple disappear upstairs, tears welling up in her eyes. She knew she still needed to go a long way before she truly learned to love Holly, but at least she had already accepted her. And acceptance was the first step towards friendship and love. Even though the fairy was almost fifty years older than her, Angeline couldn't help feeling a little motherly towards Holly. And she couldn't wait to feel all grandmotherly towards the baby Holly was carrying…
o o o O O O o o o
"Why did you insist on giving Mother her earrings back?" Artemis asked as they arrived before the door of their room, Artemis still carrying his 'bride' in his arms.
"Weeeeell…" She grinned, reaching out to punch in the code. "You love nibbling on my ears, Mud Boy… And if you did it again, the earring's clasp might have loosened and those horribly expensive diamonds would have been lost in the sheets, or fallen to the floor… I managed to keep them safe while imprisoned and during a perilous escape; I just didn't want to risk losing them now, thanks to my wild-in-bed husband…"
"But you don't mind my wildness, do you?" Artemis asked with a grin, stepping through the door that automatically sealed behind them.
"Did I ever look like someone who minded it?" she whispered, leaning closer and catching his lips in a kiss.
He gently lowered her to the bed, unfastening the belt that held her Jedi robes together. To his surprise, she wasn't wearing anything but a pair of tiny knickers under it. He never thought he'd ever see a half-naked Jedi…
"So, Mr. Solo, what are you waiting for?" she said in a husky voice, catching his leather vest and pulling him down to her. Their lips again met in a kiss, and he shivered with desire…
Then pulled back. "No," he breathed.
"No what?" She frowned.
"I…" Artemis bit into his lower lip, then, seeing Holly's quizzical expression, he quickly stood up and turned away from her. "I just… can't… I can't do it without telling you… Before telling you…"
"Telling me what?"
Nervously running his hand across his black locks, he turned around to face her. "Everything. About the time machine. The Mulches. Things you need to… that you deserve to know."
Holly knitted her eyebrows. "I thought you wanted to make up for our wedding night first. Not that I'm not curious to hear why there's two of Mulch, but… I thought it could wait."
"It can't." He shook his head with a serious expression. The last time she'd seen him wearing an expression like this was shortly before he gave up his genius to the Voice. "I can't kiss you, hold you, make love to you knowing that you might not even want to do it if you only knew…"
"If I only knew what?" she whispered. Her husband's expression scared her. It was so full of emotions: love, fear, hope, shame… He desperately wanted to tell her something, but was having difficulties how to do it. All she could do was to make it easier for him – to calm him, to help him feel more comfortable about whatever he wanted to share with her. With a gentle smile, she held out her arm towards him. "Come, sit back down here, and calm down… then tell me everything you think I ought to know."
Artemis hesitated for a while, inspecting his wife's features. Her eyes radiated warmth, encouragement and a little bit of angst. Her arm was still held out towards him; and finally, he took her hand and sat down next to her.
"Well…" He stared down at their intertwined fingers, not daring to meet her eyes. "It all began with an email I received from your kidnappers…"
o o o O O O o o o
Holly didn't know how long she had been staring at him silently. It could have been seconds, minutes or half an hour… she didn't know. It was simply too much to take…
So that was why she'd disappeared from the conference centre for a second! Now she understood it. She understood everything. The missing pieces of the jigsaw puzzle had fallen into place. Finally she had a complete picture, and it was beautiful and horrifying at the same time.
"Holly?" Artemis whispered, nervously scanning her features. "Are you all right?"
Mutely, she nodded.
"Listen, if you want to leave me after this, I… I understand."
"What are you talking about?" She blinked.
"You don't want to leave me?"
"Why would I?"
Artemis heaved a sigh of relief. "I was afraid you'd be mad… or at least disappointed… because of… Delylah."
Holly reached out to caress his face. "I never thought I'd ever call you naive… but this was the cutest display of naiveté I've ever seen. Cute, but… dumb. How could you ever think I'd leave you just because you – in a parallel universe – slept with your wife? How could I blame you for trying to change history back? You risked more than anyone I know ever did, and you came out of it triumphant, even if you… well, even if the Other Artemis died in the process. You… he – well, you, gave up your genius once again, to get back those you loved… and it's… it's… simply wonderful." By now tears were glinting in Holly's eyes, but those weren't tears of grief but those of happiness. "What you did was amazing, Artemis, and I'm very, very proud of you."
A relieved, almost elated smile spread on the Irishman's face. "I'm so happy you're not mad… I couldn't have lived with the thought of you harbouring a grudge against me… I love you so much, Holly…"
"You don't even need to tell me that, not with words… Your actions expressed it better than any words could." She reached out and slipped her arms around his neck, burying her face into his chest. She was home. Not in Haven, not among the fairies, but in her husband's arms. Her favourite place in the world. "Artemis?" she murmured into his shirt.
"Yes?"
"How long do you intend to make me wait for our wedding night, huh?"
Looking down at her, his lips tucked into a kinky smile. "Not a second longer, Mrs. Fowl."
o o o O O O o o o
The garden of Fowl Manor, a week later"Artemis, you can't do that to that unfortunate agency," Holly said in a reprimanding voice, sitting on a blanket that they had put on the grass. She, Artemis, Patrick, Juliet and Butler were having a picnic to celebrate Juliet's 30th birthday. The elderly Fowl couple were away in Spain where Artemis the First was hoping to make a very favourable deal.
"Why not?" Artemis countered. "They sent us a bunch of inept idiots who left the back door completely unprotected, letting that Emese woman kidnap you! Dublin Security will go bankrupt, I'll see to it personally, and don't even try to hold me back! They deserve what they get!"
"I agree with Artemis," Butler commented. "A guard can't be so careless to leave any entrances unattended."
"Exactly." Artemis nodded. "And anyway, half of the money I manage to transfer from the agency's account to my own I will forward to a non-profit organisation that campaigns against gunrunning."
"And the other half to Unicef or WHO," Holly said firmly. Artemis made a grimace. Apparently he'd been planning to keep the other half...
"All right, then, the rest goes to Unicef," he sighed. "Patrick will help me with the hacking this time, I'm not as good at it as I used to be."
"No problem, Dad." The boy grinned. "I'm glad to be of help."
"I still don't like this…" Holly shook her head. She would never understand men with their delusions that it was a macho thing to avenge themselves.
"Neither do I, but… men will be men." Juliet shrugged.
"What do you mean by that?" Artemis frowned at her.
"Nothing, Arty." The blonde woman waved with a grin. There's no use explaining to men that doing 'macho' things was in most cases completely pointless… they wouldn't understand. "Hey, look, the Mulches are here!"
"Hi there, Stinker! You didn't think we'd forget about your birthday?" The dwarves approached, wearing wide grins and each of them carrying a longish package.
They flopped down on the blanket, and their sunscreen scent immediately filled the nostrils of everyone around.
"Nice to have you here, Smelly." Juliet grinned. "We've waited for you with the cake."
Five minutes later the Mulches were already eating their fourth slice of cake.
"Aren't you afraid of getting an indigestion, Mulch?" Butler said benignly, hoping that with such an innocent question the dwarves would realise that it would be nice if they left some cake for the others as well.
"Nah, I never get indigestion," Mulch1 chomped.
"Never?" Artemis looked up from his own, thin slice of cake. "What about the one you had when the Huns began chasing you?"
"That… well…" Mulch2 scratched his jaw, surreptitiously glancing at the package he had laid on the blanket.
"Can I have one more slice, Juliet?" Holly held out her plate, feeling that the timing was perfect to turn everyone's attention away from Mulch's digestive problems.
"That's your third one already, honey. Aren't you afraid of getting indigestion?" Artemis said in a worried voice.
Holly gave him a withering glance. "I'm eating for two, Artemis!"
"Yes, dear, I know." Artemis leaned closer, gently running his hand up and down on Holly's still flat stomach. She chuckled, and caught his lips in a tender kiss.
Patrick and the Diggumses grimaced, while Juliet held back a giggle.
"Time for present-opening!" Butler announced, forcing the Fowls to end their snogging session. They parted with a pout, feeling very depraved.
The manservant pulled a medium-size package out from behind a nearby tree and handed it to his sister.
Juliet tore the wrappers off it and, her face glowing with excitement, she lifted a pair of boxing gloves out of it. "Ooooh, Dom, I've always wanted a pair like these!"
"Glad you like them, sis."
From Holly, Juliet got a big case of green eye-shadow (she still loved wearing this colour), and from Artemis, a beautiful bow with a set of arrows. "It's not Hun," he said apologetically. "I wanted to bring you something from the past, but… I think I had too much on my mind and forgot. I'm sorry, Juliet."
The bodyguard reached out to squeeze her charge's hand. "No problem, Arty, I really like this one… It would have been nice to have something from the fifth century, but I think I can live without it."
"And who said you had to live without it?" Mulch1 said casually.
Juliet glanced at the dwarf with a confused expression.
"Well, happy birthday, Stinker." With that, both Mulches held out the longish packages they had brought. "We hope you don't mind having two of it…"
"Two of what?" muttered Patrick as Juliet tore the wrapping off the first package. Under the wrapper she found a wooden case. Upon opening it, she let out a gasp.
"What?" Artemis, Holly, Butler and Patrick leaned closer to look into the case. Inside lay a glorious sword whose hilt was inset with rubies.
"I can't believe it…" Artemis whispered. "The Sword of God…"
"Or an impressive fake," Patrick added.
"Fake, eh?" Mulch1 snorted. "It's as real as it can be! As is the other one!" He pointed at the other package that was still covered with wrapper. "I… we brought it… them to the present in person, just for you, Stinker!"
Seeing Juliet's mouth hanging open, Mulch2 shrugged. "Well, almost just for you. Originally we wanted to keep them and sell them later, but then we remembered how much you wanted an original Hun weapon, and we heard you had a birthday…"
"Yeah," Mulch1 agreed. "Certainly, we could have sold one of them, but we realised that if we got caught by old Julius trying to sell stolen items, we could have landed at Howler's Peak again, and we wanted to avoid that at all costs. So there, you have two Swords of God."
Juliet still couldn't find her voice in surprise. Artemis, however, did.
"So that was why the Huns were chasing you! Because you'd stolen the sword out of Attila's coffin!"
"Well, yeah, Arty. Sorry… I'm kleptomaniac," said Mulch2 with an apologetic grin. "Couldn't help it… When I went back to see how the funeral preparations were processing, I spotted Attila's still open triple-coffin and the sword lying on his chest… and simply couldn't resist the temptation. I waited until the Huns closed the coffin and left the tent for a few minutes, and I stole the sword and closed the lid again. But they spotted me as I left the tent, and began chasing me."
"They spotted you carrying the sword?" Patrick frowned. "We didn't see the sword in your hand when you came running towards us…"
"Because you couldn't have seen it." Mulch1 rolled his eyes. "It was well hidden."
"Well hidden?" Holly blinked. "You don't mean… In there?" She pointed at Mulch's belly with a disgusted expression.
The Diggumses shrugged. "Couldn't have found a better place for it, could I?" Mulch1 said.
"So that's what gave you an 'indigestion'!" Artemis breathed. "But how on earth did you manage to swallow… the whole thing? This sword is longer than your whole body!"
"I have amazingly strong teeth, you know," Mulch1 said vaguely. "But you know, even in pieces, it was rather unpleasant. The tips poked me from inside for hours… It was horrible."
"You bit it into pieces?" asked Patrick with an incredulous look.
The Mulches nodded.
"But how… how did you put it back together this well? Nothing on the sword suggests that it was broken and put back together!"
"I have a second-cousin who's an excellent blacksmith," Mulch2 replied.
Artemis's eyes narrowed. "How did you manage to fool the metal detector at the airport with all those pieces of iron in your stomach?"
Mulch2 waved with a superior glance. "There's no metal detector on earth that can see through a dwarf's body!"
"Amazing…" Juliet said, "I… simply don't know what to say… how to thank you…"
"No problem, Stinker, I'm glad to see you like it," said Mulch1.
"But I can't keep both." Juliet shook her head. "It wouldn't be proper."
"Do with them whatever you please." Mulch2 shrugged. "It's your birthday present, after all."
Juliet glanced at Artemis, clearly awaiting some advice.
"My old self would say keep both of them or let me sell them on the black market," the Irishman said, "but my new-found and annoyingly righteous self says that it belongs to the Hungarian Republic. Mulch found it in their territory, so it should be theirs. If you want me, I'll send one of the swords to the Hungarian National Museum as an unknown donor."
"That would be great, Arty." Juliet nodded solemnly. "One of the swords goes to the Hungarians, and the other will be hanging on my wall. I love looking at fine weaponry, and this is undoubtedly the prettiest weapon I've ever seen." She picked the sword out of its case and ran her index finger along its blade. "So sophisticated… a true masterpiece."
"It was made by the Lord of Wars, after all." Artemis smiled.
"Lord of Wars? Who's that, some blacksmith?" Juliet asked.
"The god of the Huns," Artemis explained. "According to the legend, whoever owns the sword can conquer the world. I for one think it's nothing but a fairy tale, but… who knows? I'm glad it didn't fall into Emese's hands, though. I don't think she would have managed to conquer the world with just a sword, but she seemed mad enough to stab somebody with it."
Patrick flinched. He still remembered having been stabbed by this very sword. If it hadn't been for his father's love and Fiona's huge heart, he wouldn't be sitting here now.
"Well, she can't stab anyone anymore, can she?" Butler said jovially. "Oh, almost forgot to mention, I heard something funny on the news this morning… While unearthing the skeleton of Tyrannosaurus, paleontologists found human bones among that of the T-Rex, as though it had died with the human in its belly… All scientists are puzzled."
"Are they sure that the human had been devoured by the dinosaur?" asked Patrick heavily. "Could the human bones have got there millennia later?"
"Not very likely, since the dinosaur-skeleton and the human bones are in the same layer," Butler replied. "According to an anthropologist, the pelvis wasn't too wide, therefore it must have been a man. Well, our Cesare used to love finding old things… he can't have complained much, you sent him to a place where he found plenty. Of course, getting eaten by a T-Rex isn't a nice death…"
For a few seconds nobody spoke. Juliet reached for a slice of cake and so did both dwarves.
"Imagine," Mulch1 spoke up to break the uneasy silence, "Opal's pregnant."
"WHAT?" Juliet almost spat out her half-chewed piece of cake.
"She's pregnant. Knocked-up. Has a bun in the oven. Do I need to explain more clearly?" Mulch2 said, stuffing a spoonful of whipped cream into his mouth.
"No, just… isn't it weird?" said Juliet with a contemplative expression. "First Artemis and Holly, now you and Opal… and both couples are of different species… what does a pixie-dwarf hybrid look like at all?"
"We'll see in seven months, right?" Mulch1 grinned.
"Well, congrats, Mulch," Patrick commented, barely able to hide his amusement. "And do tell, how did dear Miss Koboi react when seeing both of you?"
The Diggumses chuckled. "You should have seen her, boy! She thought she had double-vision due to her pregnancy… then, when she finally realised that both of us was real, she fainted."
"And after that?" enquired Holly.
"After that, she woke up and we made mad, passionate love." Mulch2 winked at her.
"All three of you?" Juliet raised an eyebrow at the dwarves.
"Yeah," Mulch1 chuckled. "And she loved it. A lucky girl, my Opal… and that little tyke's going to be lucky too, to have two excellent fathers like me."
Artemis's eyes met Holly's, and he could see that she was clutching at her ribcage, shaking with silent laughter.
"Well, congratulations, Mulch," the Irishman said, trying to sound as solemn as possible. "It seems that Opal will have her baby around the same time as Holly."
"Oh, we could arrange baby showers for both of them at once!" Juliet clasped her hands delightedly. "Wouldn't it be fun, Arty?"
"Baby showers?" All the blood ran out of Artemis's face. In the past few months he had learned to swallow his pride on several occasions, but he didn't feel up to something as embarrassing as that…
o o o O O O o o o
Christmas Eve, 2016"…I was telling Foaly not to pout too much, but he wouldn't, listen," Julius grunted. "His pride has been hurt by Patrick getting the first prize at the Annual Inventor's Exhibition… But tell you what, I didn't feel sorry about him. He deserved to have his ego deflated a bit!"
"Well, I did feel sorry for him… a bit," Patrick added with a mischievous grin. "But he can still be happy to have received the second prize, beating Opal who got third place."
"Why, what did Opal invent?" Juliet enquired.
"And who's Opal at all?" asked Angeline.
"Opal's a stuck-up pixie, and Mulch's girlfriend," Holly replied with a lopsided smile. "Artemis and I must have mentioned her when we told you about our story. Opal helped us in the Mexican jungle, but of course not out of the goodness of her heart, but because I had promised her several years off her sentence if she helped us against her brother. She's a genius, like…" Her glance met Artemis's and he looked away, but the single second their eyes had met had been able to clench Holly's heart. Ever since they'd dealt with Cavalieri, Artemis had been much more carefree than before; he looked happy even without his genius… but Holly knew well enough that deep down it still hurt him. Much less than before, but it did, nevertheless. He was fighting a heroic battle with himself not to show any of it; or perhaps he even managed to convince himself that he no longer minded being average… but Holly saw what not even Artemis himself had seen. "Um… so, Opal's an inventor," she carried on, forcing her smile to return to her face. "And she invented some armband that can make magic-less fairies invisible if they want to disappear. No camouflage foils are needed anymore."
"Quite a good invention," Patrick commented. "I almost felt envious that it hadn't occurred to me."
"But your transporter still got first place, so you've got no reason to feel envious of anyone," Root pointed out.
"True." The boy nodded as the door swung open to admit a pair of dwarves.
Angeline flinched at their sight, but Artemis the First gave them a forced smile and invited them to the dinner table.
"Nice to be here," Mulch1 said good-naturedly. "Thank you for the invitation, Mrs. Fowl."
"I didn't…" Angeline began, only to be silenced by a wave of Holly's hand.
"He meant me." She smiled. "I mean, they meant me. I still haven't got used to having two of you, Mulch…"
"Well, we have," Mulch2 replied, reaching for a chicken leg. "And so has Opal. She says she feels like a pampered princess, with two handsome dwarves rushing up and down to fulfil her wishes… and she's got lots of them! Why, last night she sent us to get her ice cream at one o'clock in the morning!"
"Sounds familiar to me." Artemis grinned.
"I never sent you for ice cream at the one a.m.!" Holly protested.
"Yes, you only sent me for a watermelon at four a.m.," he countered.
"No surprise," Patrick said with a smirk. "When I arrived here, you did look like someone who'd swallowed a water melon in one, Mum."
Holly gave her son a piercing look, laying her hands on her bulging belly.
"Well, he's inherited his tactlessness from me, hasn't he?" Artemis kissed his wife gently on the cheek.
"Tactless? Oh, come on…" Mulch2 waved irritably. "Arty isn't tactless at all. But Opal did call me tactless, just because I dared mention she looked like a whale…"
This was when Angeline decided that she'd had enough of the dwarves' presence and excused herself, saying she had a bad migraine.
"Well, good night, mother, and get well soon," Artemis said, completely aware why the woman had decided to leave. "And Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas, dear." Angeline bent down to peck her son on the cheek.
"I think I'd better go up too, I'm pretty tired," Artemis the First announced. "Good night to you all."
"Why did they leave?" Mulch1 wondered. "Your mum didn't seem to suffer from a headache and your father didn't seem too tired to me."
"You scared them away," Juliet replied matter-of-factly.
"But I hope you don't mind our company, do you, Stinker?" Mulch2 asked.
The blonde woman shook her head, her eyes glinting merrily. "I never minded having you around, Smelly. Not to mention that I can't thank you enough for that sword… it looks gorgeous on the wall of my room. Doesn't it, Arty?"
"Absolutely, Juliet. I've always admired weaponry from the middle ages…"
Holly shot her son a surreptitious glance and he nodded. Artemis's attention was completely engaged by the discussion with Juliet about the Sword of God. It was time to act.
Patrick pulled a tiny vial out of his shirt and poured a few droplets of it into his father's drink, then hid the vial again. His glance met that of the Mulches, and they gave him the thumbs-up. Even Root's eyes radiated his approval.
Only Butler looked at him, frowning. "Patrick, what did you-"
Holly kicked the manservant in the shin under the table.
"What?" Butler hissed, massaging his aching shin.
Holly pressed her index finger on her lips and winked at him. "Trust me," she whispered, then cleared her throat, turning her husband's attention to herself. "Let us drink to this special evening when we're united as friends here. Years and years ago I was dragged into this house, unconscious and against my will. I hated my kidnapper before I even knew him and swore never to return here if I could help it. Now I'm sitting here as my kidnapper's wife and I love him more than life itself. I can't express with words how happy it makes me to see everyone I care for here, around me, and in peace. Let this be the first in the row of several Christmases that we spend together as friends, as a family. Cheers!"
"Cheers!" said everyone else and they downed their respective drinks: Artemis, Butler, Juliet and the Mulches red wine, Holly, Patrick and Julius mineral water.
"That was a beautiful speech, you know," Artemis murmured, leaning in to kiss Holly. "And I'm the luckiest kidnapper on the face of Earth to have you here with me."
She ran her hands through his silky locks, her eyes never leaving his. "How much is 354x26?"
"9204, why?" he asked casually, then suddenly went rigid. "9204?"
"Exactly," Patrick confirmed.
Artemis turned to his son, his eyes wide with shock. "How did I know that? How… how could I tell the figure in just a second?"
"It's magic." Patrick winked at him.
"What?" Artemis blinked, turning from his son back to Holly. "What… what's happening here? I… I feel so… weird…"
"As if you'd got your genius back?" Juliet fluttered her eyelashes at him.
Artemis's mind reeled. Could it be possible? The Voice had taken his genius away and there was no way it could have given it back to him! And still, he suddenly felt different. Different from the 'average' Artemis. Suddenly he felt he could do anything by just using his brains… solve any riddle, devise the most devious plans… anything.
"How?" He mouthed to the others, as no voice came out of his throat.
A wide smile spread on Patrick's face. "Thank it to Prince Aladár, Dad."
Artemis knitted his eyebrows. He didn't understand a thing. He was a genius again, and yet, he didn't understand what his son was referring to.
"Aladár mentioned a well to me," the boy explained. "The Well of the Fairy Lady, whose water had magic healing powers. It was said to have the power to restore health and lost abilities. According to Aladár, warriors who got injured in battles and drank from the well's water were healthy in an instant. Women who couldn't bear children drank from it and soon got pregnant. Allegedly there was a shaman too who'd lost his Sight and when he drank from the well, he got his Sight back. The well's in the mountains Pilis. According to Aladár it had dried out a year before we arrived into their camp. So all I had to do was go back shortly before it dried out and bring you some of its water."
"You don't mean you… you went back in time… again?" Artemis gasped.
"We went back in time," Patrick corrected him. "One of the Mulches and me. We used the time machines that both Mulches still had after the Cavalieri incident."
"Yep." Mulch1 nodded. "Tell you what, it took us quite a while to find that ruddy well… You could express your gratitude somehow, Mud Boy."
"No money, Mulch," Holly hissed. "We agreed it would be a Christmas present!"
"Okay, okay, Spoilsport…" Mulch2 rolled his eyes. "Enjoy your Christmas present, Arty."
Artemis looked around, still unable to speak. His face, however, radiated elation and gratitude. "I…" he croaked, "I just… don't know how to-"
"You're welcome, Dad," Patrick said with a smile.
Artemis suddenly seemed to snap out of his shocked state and knitted his eyebrows. "Don't you ever dare travel in time again, Patrick! You know exactly how horribly dangerous that can be! You could have made a mistake, and we could have lost you! I'm not worth that much!"
"And what about me? You wouldn't have missed me?" Mulch1 said grumpily.
Silence fell on the dinner table, only to be broken by Butler's guffaw. "Artemis, oh, Artemis! You sounded just like a father now!"
"Well, that's what I am, aren't I?" Artemis replied, his stare still scolding his son.
"And you're going to be father of two…" Holly said abruptly, clutching at her belly, "…in a few hours, I think."
"What?" Artemis gasped. "But the baby isn't due for another month!"
"Fairies carry their babies for eight months only…" Holly replied, giving him a feeble smile, but he saw well enough that she was in pain. "Chin up, Daddy… it's going to be a Christmas child."
o o o O O O o o o
A/N: yep, only an epilogue left. REVIEW, PLEASE!