Sanji was cooking.

He wasn't a complex man. All he needed in life was some hungry bellies to feed, a girl (or two, or three... he wasn't picky) to chase, and occasionally some ass to kick, and he was as happy as a clam.

Sanji slid a knife into the clam in his hand, popped it open skillfully, dug out the soft innards, and dropped them into the fryer, before letting the empty husk drop, unnoticed and uncared for and forgotten, to the floor, to join its bretheren that had already shared the same fate.

Yes, happy, happy clams.

---

Sanji was just about done preparing a light repast of fried clam strips for the two delicate flowers of womanhood above-deck (Usopp and Chopper, of course. Who did you think he was referring to?) when Zoro barrelled into the kitchen and latched onto him while wailing about true love and soaking his (custom-made, specially tailored) jacket and silk shirt with tears and possibly other bodily fluids.

Sanji debated. He could either snap the swordsman's neck like a twig for having the temerity to slightly damage his appearance, or he could lend the poor man a shoulder to cry on, and possibly get some good blackmail material for later.

Thankfully for our readers, Sanji decided against neck-snapping, which would have made this story considerably shorter.

"There there, poor boy," Sanji soothed. "What seems to be the matter? Here, have a clam strip."

Zoro took his clam strip thankfully and explained the situation. It seemed the poor fellow had found love, but Luffy - that cad - and her father were trying to throw a wrench into his plans. Sanji nodded sympathetically. "I know exactly how you feel, Zoro. There are those who say it's wrong for me to chase anything with a pair of ovaries. Who say I should content myself with chasing one at a time, even. Who say stalking is a jailable offense." Sanji leaped onto the table to better rail against Fate and imaginary critics. "Well, fie on them! Fie, I say! I'm only guilty of loving too much!"

He noticed Zoro was staring at him oddly. "Right... what were we talking about?" The pirate cook hopped down off the table, somewhat embarrassed. "Right, your problems. Hmm... give me a moment to think." Zoro nodded and munched on his clam. "Okay," Sanji said decisively. "Let's hear your plan so far."

Zoro sat straighter, and nodded again. "Well, here's how Operation: Beat Up Luffy And Take the Woman breaks down:

1. Beat up Luffy.

2. Take the woman.

3. Ride off into the sunset.

Thoughts? Suggestions?"

Sanji considered thoughtfully. "Okay, I'm seeing a small flaw or two with your plan. One: You might be able to beat Luffy, if you're having a good day, but you could just as easily end up getting your face punched in. Two: No horse to ride. Three: We're on a pirate ship in the middle of the Grand Line." Several suspicious thoughts made themselves known to the Love Cook. "Wait... we're on a ship. The only two women on this ship are Nami-chan and Robin-san."

Sanji's one visible eye glinted dangerously. "You wouldn't be trying to take Nami-chan or Robin-san from me, are you? Because if you are, I'm going to lace your next meal with arsenic."

"No, no," Zoro explained. "You're welcome to those two. I only have eyes for one woman." Zoro-In-Love only has three settings: He'd left the Hysterical phase behind him with Usopp, bypassed the Maudlin phase entirely, and settled on the Impassioned phase without a hitch. He grabbed Sanji's meticulously pressed collar and dragged him close in order to better shout into his face. "She swims in my blood now! I must have her!"

"Have you thought about simply confronting Luffy and working towards -"

Zoro dropped him like a sack of Sanji-shaped potatoes. "Yes! It's so obvious, now!" The swordsman wheeled, and ran out of the kitchen, intent on confronting Luffy.

"... a mutually... satisfying..." Sanji looked at the slowly swinging door that was all that was left of Zoro. "Right..."

Abruptly, he jerked as if he had been struck by lightning. "Oh no!" he wailed. "I forgot all about Nami-chan and Robin-san!"

"It's been," he checked his watch. "Almost two hours since I last waited on them! What if they needed something, and I wasn't there to get it for them? They could be..." his mind struggled for the appropriate words. "Hungry! Or bored! Or..."

He very nearly crumpled under the weight of his shame, but there was no time for that now! "Robin-swaaan! Nami-chwaaaan! I'm comiiiiing!"

---

Ahh, good ol' Sanji. Next: Zoro and Luffy battle for the gorgeous Marianne! Oh, the horror! Oh, the ignomy! Oh, teh angst!