A/N: Nothing much to say right now except that this chapter has two parts beginning now. After the next part after this there may be two, maybe three, more chapters. It depends on if my imagination can keep working. Yeah. Damn that writer's block. After days of trying to write this chapter I realized I wanted too much to happen at once: hence the splitting into two parts. By now I think you've noticed that I do a heck of a lot of realizing when writing…weird: Kind of ironic, considering the title of this story. Here's the update.

Song: Walking and Thinking by Ra

Part 9, first half: Realization

From the air I see your loneliness
You carry on despite your fear
Inside a box you keep your sanity
And it will never see clear to me

Dinner at the Michalchuk's had been awkward to say the least. Paige's parents had tried desperately to strike up conversation several times, but the majority of noise was the clinking of utensils against plates. Paige's parents were mystified by the tension between her and Alex. Her mother even commented briefly, only to be denied an answer.

The two said nothing to each other, besides the rare 'can you pass the salt?' followed by a curt 'thank you.' After the meal, the dishes were done in silence, and then both girls retreated to their respective rooms to do homework.

At school the next day, neither spoke walking into Degrassi. They walked keeping as much distance between themselves. Giggles and snippets of rumors met them: all surrounding Alex's reason for absence and her unexpected return the day before. Paige unintentionally cringed at what she heard: it was back to the old days, when Alex had no one to go to.

"I don't need your pity, Paige," it was the first time Alex addressed the blonde civilly. "I can live with the rumors. I can't live with you feeling bad in the moment again. Don't act sorry. Just stay out. It's what you wanted. Now we both want it."

"Lexi, you're back from the land of the bitchy!" A familiar voice called from the bottom of the steps where the two still stood. Alex turned to face him, but Paige still looked away. "Come here, Lex. Ditch: we'll have a welcome back party for you."

Alex clenched her fists for a moment, sending pain up her bandaged wrist, and then relaxed. "Maybe later, Jay. I've got some business to take care of here. But I won't say no to you showing me a good time afterwards." She smirked knowing what Jay had in mind.

"So that's it, Jay? You're not going to tell her what you were planning a week ago?" Paige now turned towards the reject and his former prodigy. "Hazel told me everything that happened that day. I know you didn't put Alex in the hospital, but you may as well have. I may as well have, too, damn it, but what you were planning definitely could have done it."

Alex fumed. "Didn't I just finish telling you to butt out of my life, Paige? You had your chance to be devoted, and I think I would have been better off with this lying dog right here." She jabbed with her thumb in Jay's direction. "Sorry sweetie. You're a dog, but I like your bite."

Over the hills, the light, it flows
It shows the angels laughing
Where is the love that we're supposed to find?

"This cute little bad boy puppy dog was plotting something. If he'd carried it out, you wouldn't like him too much anymore. Believe me, his act isn't so much bite as it is bark," Paige stepped up to Jay and gave him a small shove. Why am I sticking up for her? Paige asked herself. She's just going to bitch at me for interfering. "Hazel told me everything. I was at home kicking myself when she called. She was going to vote me off the squad under the assumption that I would blame you. According to Jay's logic, you would go running back to him."

Alex turned towards Paige and they locked eyes. "Would you have blamed me? Would you have blamed what I understood to be mutual feelings for other people's idiocy?" Icy shards of hatred shot from her eyes.

"No I wouldn't have blamedus. To tell the truth, I told Hazel to stuff it, that I was quitting the squad anyway to get the girls off your case." Paige sighed. "I yelled at her for taking advice from Jay, hung up on her, then she called back and told me that you…Whatever. This isn't about me. Your boy toy here was willing to destroy you just to get back his control over you…and I beat him to the punch and ruined you first. Whatever, do you call that devotion?"

Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind

"I don't know. Do you call leaving me on the steps of Degrassi devotion? That was heart shattering to the extreme of public humiliation! I can take care of myself. I don't need you watching over me," Alex yelled. "Just because we're living together doesn't mean we're going to be friends or 'just like sisters' as your weirdo parents put it. We're done now, Paige. Now get the fuck away from me."

The rest of the school day passed slowly. Alex kept being a bitch to Paige, and vice versa. Alex wanted to listen to Paige, and the cheerleader wanted to know how to say what was in her heart and not her head. That way when Alex actually listened, she'd be hearing something she wanted to hear.

Once the two were home, things started to get edgy. The first night had been more of an 'okay, I want nothing to do with you, so stay out of my way and I'll stay out of yours,' kind of night. Now that the whole gist of the new living arrangements had sunk in, it was time for the domino effect to take its toll.

"Where the hell is my ipod?" Paige yelled, rushing through the living room and on into the kitchen, pushing over pillows and looking under every piece of paper that could be covering her precious portable music device. "I swear to god it was right here on the table!"

"Honey, relax. Alex's walkman was out of batteries, so I told her she could use your ipod for a bit while she took a jog," Paige's mom opened the refrigerator. "You don't mind, do you?"

A simple spell cast is broken through
The force of life decides to bend
You lay below the sacred stormy skies
And you will write the end for me

"You did what? No, of course I don't mind. Why don't you just give her all of my stuff and my life will be complete!" Paige shrieked and the house seemed to vibrate with sound. "It's not your ipod! You can't just give permission to someone to use something you don't even own! Are you nuts? Where is she jogging?"

"Well," a voice spoke from behind the blonde. "I did jog to Jay's but he wasn't around. Apparently he has a job he's at. So I jogged back here." The stiffness in Alex's voice emphasized her last word. It made it clear that it would be a while before she considered the Michalchuk's house her home. "So you don't want me borrowing your stuff, huh? You hate me so much you're gonna start accusing me of stealing now?"

Paige turned around, her mother forgotten, and glared at Alex. "I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying that next time you can't use it unless I personally give you permission. Got it? Same goes for the rest of my stuff."

Over the hills, the light, it flows
It shows the angels laughing
Where is the love that we're supposed to find?

Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind

"Oh, I see. So just because we hate each other's guts at school, we can't at least be civil here? Hazel was wrong, you never did change. And I was just starting to believe her." Underneath her tan outer tone, her skin was beet red with anger. "You keep using her as a middleman to give me your lies. Cut the crap, Michalchuk. I'm here right now. Tell me to my face. Did you ever really care about me, or was it all an elaborate plot to get me down? You show no remorse at all for what you did, yet you still act shocked as hell when I yell at you!"

Paige shook her head and snatched her ipod from Alex's hand. "I just don't know what to say to you," her voice softened and cracked with emotion. Her eyes gained a far off look of reminiscence. Before she could say anything else, though, she hardened again. "You know what? I don't have time for you or your problems right now. Mom, there's an emergency Squad meeting at Hazel's. I'm off, and I don't think I'll be back for dinner. Bye."

The door will close and I will be denied
A dagger thrust into my chest
You claim yourself to the victory
But it is I... who will rest, in peace

After the blonde fled the scene, her mom looked at Alex questioningly. "Are you girls okay? Did something happen?" She placed a hand on her hip, walked over to Alex, and placed her other hand on Alex's shoulder in comfort.

"No, Ms. Michalchuk. We act like this just for fun," sarcasm dripped from her words and stung like the throbbing gash in her wrist. It was almost as if she was reliving everything.

Before Paige's mom could admonish Alex for talking back, the phone rang, and the cheerleader's mom had to answer it. "Hello? Yes, she's here. Oh, yes she did but you weren't around. Would you like to talk to her? Okay, I'll tell her. Take care," she hung up and turned back to the brunette. "That was Jay, hun. He says sorry for missing you and to make it up he wants you to go to his place for dinner since his roommates are out. Are you going to…ok?" Before she could finish, Alex was out the door.

Over the hills, the light, it flows
It shows the angels laughing
Where is the love that we're supposed to find?

Lost in a maze of games so very dark and overwhelming
Lost in these thoughts that seem to rule my mind

My mind…

A/N: Okay. The next part of this chapter is very long. A lot happens in it. A common topic of Palex fic occurs in it, but I had to do it despite the lack of originality. I have it ready to post, so you will see. But it was very hard to write, and may be difficult to read because of the content. A little warning ahead of time is that the next update will be rated M so if anyone doesn't like sexual assault and abuse...don't read the next chapter. Okay. Yeah. I'll post the next update once I get some finishing touches.

Thank you to my readers for staying with me. This has been fun.