You wonder where exactly your life went wrong.
You thought you were on track, sort of. You were almost thirty and you were over McDreamy and his stupid dreamy looks and you were finishing up your first year as an intern and you were dating a nice, normal vet named Finn.
And then it all went to hell.
You wonder how you turned into the type of girl who could be having an affair with a married man.
And it gets worse – you have a boyfriend. A man who is sweet and caring and perfect for you. He cooks you dinner and talks about animals and takes it slow. It's a perfectly normal, healthy relationship. Except for that one little problem.
But when Derek shoves you up against the wall, you can't think about Finn or Addison or any of the other reasons why you two are being horrible people. His hands are everywhere and his kisses are toxic and you think you could die right then and be happy.
Never mind the fact that the only place you can do it is at the hospital – obviously the trailer and your house are out of the question. He asked you, once, if you wanted to go to a motel, but you just shot him a dark look to shut him up. You feel enough like a filthy whore as it is, you don't need a cheap motel added into the equation.
It was all because of that damn prom. If he hadn't looked at you like that – like you were the only person in the room, like you were the center of his world – then none of this would have happened. You could have stayed Just Friends.
It's gotten to the point where you can't even think straight when he's in sight. Once you saw him kissing Addison quickly on the lips and it sent you into near hysterics until the two of you were able to find an empty on call room and he whispered apologies into your skin.
He probably does love you. But he's a good man, or at least he was until you came along, and he'll stay with his wife, for now at least. Because he has to be the good guy. Sometimes you want to slap him and tell him to do what he actually wants to do instead of what he should do.
And he's doing the same thing to Addison that she once did to him. Some kind of twisted karma, you suppose.
When he begins to pull on his scrubs after one of your trysts, you call him out on it. "You're no better than she is, you know that?" you tell him.
He looks up at you seriously. "I know," he says softly. "I know."
You want to scream and stomp your feet and pound him with your tiny ineffectual fists. He can't have it both ways, it's not fair. He can't have you during the day, a quick fuck and whispered declarations of love, and go home to his perfect wife. It's just not fair.
You remember Addison's question – "Are you sleeping with my husband?" – and realize that less than twenty-four hours after you gave her an honest "no," you went ahead and actually did it.
Because he's Derek. Because he's the one you thought you could spend the rest of your life with. That's the only reason you're making these sacrifices in exchange for a twisted affair.
You think, probably, that you're both filthy, cheating people.
And you finally have your McDreamy, but he's a little different now. A little bitter. Your soul mate, maybe, who you found just a little too late.
You have him, some of the time, but not for real. It's not right and it's not fair.
But for now, it will have to be enough.