Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not even these pants.
Another chapter written in another high-strung haze:
oo
Tenten's eyes jerked open when she made contact with the hard unforgiving ground. She tried to blink away the ache before giving up and slumping down completely. A second ago she had been floating, what had happened?
(Neji, not realizing the important role his arm played, had eventually released her upon receiving no reaction except her head lolling to the side and some light drool. Too busy pondering his own actions he didn't notice her start to toppled over.
He heard the crash, however. Rolling his eyes and grumbling something about how she 'should really try to be more coordinated', he crouched down beside her.)
Oh god, she hoped whatever transpired hadn't been scandalous. The one time Lee brought weed to the training ground and convinced Gai-sensei to smoke it had been disastrous-
("Le-Lee," Tenten sputtered, "do you know what that is?"
"Yes," replied Lee brightly, holding up a Ziploc bag containing a notorious substance, "the person who sold it to me said it would help release inhibitions. I figured I'd let Gai-sensei try it, he could harness its power to reach a whole new skill level!"
"That's -marijuana-!" exclaimed Tenten.
"Tenten, Tenten, Tenten," said Lee in a manner akin to explaining a concept to a very small child, "this is -medicinal- marijuana.")
Then there was the time they had gotten drunk as a team, - bonding or something-: there goes 10 hours of her life she wasn't getting back-
(Tenten woke up in a tree clutching a bunch of bananas, Lee was sprawled in a field wearing a sailor suit, and Neji lay facedown in a creek.
Rushing over despite the effects of a killer hangover, she dragged him out of the water and started randomly beating his chest. She wasn't really versed in reviving people but a marathon of Baywatch convinced her the process was rather simple.
Luckily he had rolled in the water only seconds before and therefore wasn't yet in danger of drowning. Opening his eyes, he squinted in the sunlight, ignored the pounding in his skull, and looked up at Tenten.
"Neji!" she exclaimed, wondering momentarily if her skills made her better suited to be a medic.
"Tenten," he responded, wondering how to best approach the subject, "…where's your shirt?")
She patted down her person. What a relief- she was wearing clothes this time. When she finally made an effort to take in her surroundings she noticed Neji for the first time, hovering over her. She immediately lost consciousness again.
o
When she drifted back awake a half an hour later she saw him meditating impassively beside her. Thankfully this time she awoke more refreshed and with full knowledge of the preceding events.
However, knowledge of the events did not extend to her knowing how to react to them. She knew that if she wanted to save the natural environment of Konoha she would have to become more comfortable with the subject before bringing it up with Neji.
But what was to stop him from randomly touching her again? She couldn't afford another fiasco like this. She tried to lie perfectly still. Maybe he wouldn't notice she was awake.
"You look like an idiot."
Neji's distinct voice and unblinking gaze were two things she was unprepared for.
'MEDITATING MY ASS,' she thought savagely.
"I am not a bear," Neji smirked, "you can't play dead."
Tenten struggled for something to say.
"My mistake," she squeaked, "it must be the angle...hmm, or maybe the lighting..."
She was starting to panic; she broke into a cold sweat. Then, in a moment of anxiety at the height of idiocy-
"Oh my gosh- is that a main house member?" Tenten gasped, pointing to the horizon.
"WHERE?" roared Neji, whipping his head around to follow her direction.
"Tenten," he groaned brining his gaze back to where she was lying, "that's just a woodpecker."
Tenten had vanished.
It made sense. He was wondering how she could identify a main house member by sight. (He could, 80 percent of people he instantly loathed turned out to be main house members.)
Neji felt his eyebrow twitch in annoyance.
On the Brightside, with Tenten gone he could now pursue the woodpeckers. No longer seeing any birds in the immediate vicinity, he laughed victoriously and activated his Byakugan- only to have his prey appear and go for his blind spot.
o
Tenten ran like Sakura from Lee.
(Really, was she comparing that relationship to her situation with Neji? Neji was so much more attractive and not cursed with unsightly eyebrow density.)
Let's try again.
She ran like Sakura to Sasuke.
(Better, but Tenten didn't really have a specific destination, much less a freakish obsession. She had once seen Sakura and Ino fighting over Sasuke's used tissue. Tenten hadn't had the heart to tell them the tissue actually belonged to Chouji. The artificial cheese smudges should have been a clue, though.)
She ran...right into Gai-sensei.
When little Rock Lees stopped orbiting her head and her vision stopped spinning she blinked and focused on what had blocked her flight.
"AH, NOT-LEE, ARE YOU BURNING WITH THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUR YOUTH?" he boomed.
"Sure, Gai-sensei." said Tenten (everyone had learned it was best to just appease him).
Suddenly something came to her attention.
Very slowly she voiced what she had caught, "Gai-sensei, do you know my name?"
"WHAT A SILLY QUESTION, uh-CHAMP, OFFFFF COURSE I DO!"
As usual, Gai-sensei was a terrible liar-
("Gai-sensei," asked Tenten, "are you wearing eyeliner?"
"THAT'S RIDICULOUS; CAN I HELP IT IF I WAS BLESSED WITH BEAUTIFULLY EMPHASIZED EYES?"
"The eyeliner is purple," stated Neji.)
"It's Tenten," she said dryly.
"YES IT IS," he said, striking a pose. Then, perhaps to draw attention from his obvious neglect, he burst out, "IS SOMETHING WRONG, HAVE YOU BEEN SEIZING THE POWER OF YOUR YOUTH LIKE I TOLD YOU, TINTIN?"
(A small white dog bearing a tag marked 'Snowy' ran across the clearing, having apparently heard word that his master was in the area.
"A SQUIRREL!" exclaimed Lee happily.)
"It's TENTEN," she said through gritted teeth.
Gai-sensei placed a comforting arm on her shoulder (which only proceeded to freak her out more) and commanded her attention.
"TENTWELVE-"
"TENTEN!"
"-BE NOT DISCOURAGED! RAIN OFTEN FALLS IN THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH; IT IS NECESSARY FOR GROWTH."
'WOAH. Did Gai-sensei just say something actually almost relevant?' she marveled.
For the second time that day Tenten was having trouble staying on her feet.
However she decided passing out twice in one day was quite enough (additionally, Gai-sensei's arms were the last pair she wanted to collapse in) so she regained her senses quickly. Struggling out of his grasp, she muttered some meaningless thanks and darted out of the training area vaguely wondering if she'd be more stable had she had less contact with green jumpsuited individuals.
o
"Tenten, are you afraid of commitment?" asked Sakura sagely.
"Uh…"
She hadn't really thought about who she was going to go to for advice. (Also, running the distance into town had probably deprived her brain of oxygen.) So, against her better judgment she had enlisted the first two eligible people she saw.
The fact she stumbled on Ino and Sakura lying in wait in the bushes with a butterfly net and a large jar labeled "Sasuke-kun" should have been an indication that they weren't ones to help other people with their problems.
"Can you blame her for not wanting to be tied down?" inserted Ino with a shrug.
"I don't think…"
"Well, Ino," Sakura commented, oblivious to Tenten, "you just say that because you're a WHORE!"
"Guys, this isn't really…"
"WELL AT LEAST I GET ACTION!"
"WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT A SLUT!"
"SASUKE-KUN DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND LAST NIGHT!"
A sound like wild banshees being dipped in hot oil and then covered in chocolate sprinkles (how degrading!) was emitted from the enraged pink-haired kunoichi.
"EEEEEE! YOU TAKE IT BACK!"
"MAKE ME, FOREHEAD!"
"MY PLEASURE, PIG!"
"Hey look is that Sasuke shirtless?" dropped Tenten nonchalantly.
"WHERE?" roared both girls, now frozen, their eyes scanning the marketplace for the welcome sight. Sakura had Ino's ponytail in a death grip while the blonde's fist hung seconds away from connecting with the other girl's gut.
"Oh, oops, that's just Kiba engaging in questionable acts with his dog…"
"TENTEN!" Sakura and Ino wailed in disappointment and broke apart, momentarily dismissing their argument.
"Hey, what else could I do? You guys weren't helping."
"Sorry," amended Sakura, "I just had to teach that cheap floozy a lesson."
"I'M RIGHT HERE!" screamed Ino, who was indeed a foot away.
"Oh gosh," whispered Sakura loudly, "I think we offended it."
"SAY THAT TO MY FACE, OLD MAID!"
"Huh?"
"You know, old maid- like you're a prude."
"Oh, ok."
"Would spinster have worked better?"
"Probably…more direct."
Tenten cut in, "I can leave if this is going to continue."
"Just give us a second," Sakura assured before rounding on Ino, "TWO-BIT HUSSY!"
"FRUSTRATED VIRGIN!" Ino returned.
Tenten was distracted from the fight just as the pair began to dip into more archaic vocabulary.
"HARLOT!" Sakura yelled.
Hinata had appeared at her left and Tenten turned to greet the girl.
"I h-hear you h-have a problem, Tenten?"
"Yeah-"
"GOODY-GOODY"
"SCARLET WOMAN!"
"-Neji's been acting weird lately."
"H-how so?"
"NAÏVE SCHOOLGIRL!"
"SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER!"
"He's been sort of hitting on me," Tenten mumbled, suddenly self conscious.
Hinata patter her reassuringly, "Oh, you won't have to worry about him for much longer…"
A bout of evil cackling quickly followed this sinister remark and Tenten began to grow considerably nervous.
Ino's brow creased in determination. "UNDESIRABLE!"
Sakura released a sort of strangle gasp and began to turn a deep shade of purple.
"Hinata, what was that laugh for?" asked Tenten carefully.
"I'm afraid I d-don't k-know what you m-mean," Hinata responded blankly.
Sakura raised her head, revealing the sadness in her emerald eyes. "I'm sorry- I had hoped it wouldn't come to this…"
Hinata dropped her conversation with Tenten and chose this time to intervene.
"Sakura, NO! Think about what you're d-doing!" the soft spoken girl yelled desperately.
"DON'T BE A HERO, BOY!" added a random person in passing who had absolutely no idea what was going on but always wanted to contribute such a line in a time of dramatic climax and realized he might not get another opportunity.
Sakura shook off all these comments, relevant and not, and readied herself.
"It has to be done," she said resignedly. Turning towards Ino she readied herself and, much to the trepidation of Hinata, hollered, "FAT ASS!"
Ino reeled back but dug her heels in the ground and launched herself at Sakura. "NARROW ASS!"
"Oh for heaven's sakes…BOTH YOUR ASSES ARE FINE!" bellowed Tenten.
All traffic in the square stopped.
Someone yelled, "YEAH!", but it was only Kakashi who was quickly ignored.
A small boy softly whispered, "What's an 'ass'?"
His mother looked so scandalized that she whisked the child home to box his ears, wash his mouth out with soap, and hole him up in the house far away from ill-bred devil children with Chinese fashion influences .
An elderly woman choked out, "My heart!" collapsed, and was whisked away. (It was later determined to be only heartburn.)
A police officer blew a completely unnecessary whistle and started writing up a ticket. Tacking it on her back, he shot her a disproving authoritative look and walked away.
She ripped it off and scanned the paper, eyes widening.
"'Disturbing the peace'…and there's a fine?"
"I h-hear Officer Wilson also accepts sexual favors," divulged Hinata who had mysteriously reappeared and sidled up very close to Tenten.
"Wha- how would you know that?"
Ino and Sakura clicked their tongues softly.
"Konoha's finest are just trying to maintain a healthy environment for our youth."
"Yeah, serves you right for yelling profanities in public."
"I mean, come on. Show some self restraint."
Tenten, seconds away from exploding or imploding (it was anyone's guess), was thrown off kilter when she spotted something further down the street. She pushed all three of them in an alley and shut them up with one blazing glare. Everyone looked to see the cause of her distress and watched as Neji walk past their hiding place and deeper into the heart of Konoha.
oo
(3) For those of you who don't know Tintin, I'm sad for you. (And if you actually got the Snowy thing, YOU'RE AMAZING).
(4) If anyone can correctly guess what the phrase "SMELLY PIRATE HOOKER" is a reference to he/she/it will be immortalized!
Please R&R, even if it's just to tell me to lay off the amphetamine!
Next week: Naruto has some suggestions while Sakura and Ino, completely misunderstanding the concept, develop a plan that only serves to further exacerbate the situation.