oo
Neji had sunk into his usual arrogant gait while Lee was skipping merrily behind him. Neji was doing his best to impress on any observers that he did not know the cheery young man who kept calling on him to wait up. He even went so far as to request that Officer Wilson contain this "confused stranger". Fortunately Neji was not willing to sell his body to get Lee arrested and left police headquarters with a barely contained grimace.
"Speak of the devil," murmured Hinata, although the inflection in her voice portrayed that she legitimately thought Neji was Satan.
Hinata's comment caused everyone to release the breath they had been holding. Tenten tried to subtly place Ino and Sakura between herself and the crazed Hyuuga (both of them, really) but to her dismay the two kunoichi had already jumped into action.
(Although thankfully they weren't jumping Sasuke. They were lucky he would never admit to anyone he was routinely gang raped by two fangirls.)
"NEJI-KUN," Ino called sweetly while Sakura waved frantically.
Tenten's jaw dropped as she scurried to hide behind some debris in the alley. Whatever happened to female solidarity?
He bristled at the use of the honorific before stopping and turning mechanically. Lee accidentally slammed hard into his back so Neji unthinkingly punched him fiercely in the jaw. The female party gasped.
"Watch where you're going, sir," Neji said politely.
Lee swayed, disoriented, and lurched towards Neji. "Hey there sweetie," he cooed, "Wanna go for a ride?"
"Sorry," Neji returned airily, "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers."
"NEJI! Don't hit Lee so hard!" Tenten admonished, momentarily forgetting that shouting was not permitted when trying to go unnoticed, "He thinks he's a prostitute!"
Lee continued, leaning into Neji's hard chest. "Want a little taste of Candy?" he drawled in a high pitched voice.
"He thinks he's a working girl NAMED CANDY!" wailed Tenten.
'It's hard being this attractive,' thought Neji.
("Gee Ino, I never thought Rock Lee would out-SLUT you," Sakura pretended to marvel.
"Look on the brightside," Ino said with false cheer, "there will always be bigger sluts, but never bigger FOREHEADS!"
Sakura shook violently with contained fury.
Ino continued, "Several companies told me they'd be interested if you're willing to sell that advertising space. I think we could fit a pretty sizeable Ichiraku endorsement on there, don't you think?")
Meanwhile Lee wrapped his arms around Neji and burrowed closer, batting his eyelashes. Neji's tolerance was paper thin, but was still more than Tenten would have applied. She felt a small twinge of jealousy.
Another fist struck and Lee collapsed. Neji cocked an eyebrow as Tenten shook out her hand.
"I figured another blow to the head would sort him out, you know? Uncross all the signals," Tenten grunted.
"Find out Candy's r-rates," whispered Hinata as she passed.
o
Three lovely (read: psycho) kunoichi huddled in a dingy side street.
"Forehead, I have a plan," Ino whispered.
"Excellent, pig," Sakura responded.
"Me t-too," added Hinata.
"When did she get here?" hissed Ino.
o
"Neji, is your cousin feeling all right?" Tenten asked as a way of starting conversation.
(She needn't worry about Hinata overhearing; the frazzled girl had already drifted away after the other two rejected her scheme to light Neji on fire with slow burning kerosene. Additionally she deemed the subject to merit addressing because by her estimation Hinata was currently about two blades short of a Fuuma Shuriken.)
He thought back to this morning-
("Hinata," growled Neji, "did you spike my tea?"
It had tasted disgusting. He had thought she was just terrible at making it but had wisely resisted bringing up the subject of failure with her.
Hinata, probably figuring he wouldn't be around long enough to retaliate, nodded gleefully.
Neji gaped for a moment while she produced a humble jar with an emblem of a massive tuna printed on the label.
"I o-ordered it f-from France!" she exclaimed merrily.
"Hinata, that says poisson."
"I know, it m-must be an alternate spelling."
"No, it's French. That's fish paste."
"Hot damn.")
How did you begin to explain that your younger cousin, whom everyone believed to be as meek as mashed potatoes, had tried to kill him with pâté?
"..."
"How about them Yankees?" Tenten tried.
"..."
Bored, Neji crossed his arms.
"Well, look at the time, I've got to run some errands," Tenten spouted, glancing at an invisible watch on her slim wrist. Having already fallen for the point-and-run technique Neji was determined not to let her escape with some harebrained excuse and a nonexistent schedule.
He opened his mouth but Lee chose this time to bounce back into the world of the living and channeled whatever comment Neji was about to make into significantly more disturbing waters.
"See you, Tenten!" called Lee, flashing a nice guy pose for good measure.
Tenten stumbled slightly and lost momentum. This was a pose unlike any she had ever seen before.
"Lee, what IS that?" she croaked. Maybe if she prayed Kami would grant her second virginity.
Neji's eye was twitching so severely Tenten thought it would pop out of his head and bounce down the street screaming colorful expletives.
"Gai-sensei and I have been perfecting it, you like?"
Neji lifted his arm to strike Lee again.
Lee's stance, which had involved primeape-like armpit scratching and several pelvic thrusts, had made Tenten start shaking convulsively. Additionally strange rays of light were being released from the oddest of places.
"Lee did you put a flashlight in your pants?" she managed to say.
(Amazingly Neji allowed Tenten to pull his fist back down. However, she had to bite her tongue to keep from squeaking when he unclenched his hand to twist it until he held hers.
He absently wondered if the act would turn problematic. He dismissed the issue, he couldn't be held accountable. It wasn't his fault her hand was a fascinating balance between soft and calloused.
She glanced at Neji, hoping her blush wasn't as fiery as it felt. He seemed his usual amount of disinterest, unconcerned with their contact. She had to give Lee some points; so far he hadn't noticed a thing. That had to be some kind of record.)
"A performer never reveals his secrets!" Lee said, winking.
"I thought that was a magician," she said.
"Well everyone possesses a little bit of the MAGIC OF YOUTH!"
"You walked right into that one," Neji muttered.
Lee continued, more somber, "Gai-sensei did say it combined too many different medias. Was it too aesthetically overpowering?"
"Oh it was overpowering all right," she grumbled.
Lee looked dejected, he had worked so hard, run so many unnecessary laps around Konoha, he had even bleached all of Gai-sensei's briefs...
Tenten softened a little bit. "I only mean that it's not really -nice guy- pose material. But if you ever joined a traveling circus-"
"Tenten, you can't leave me with him," Neji cut in calmly (with an edge of hysteria only she could notice).
"Tenten, are you hurt?" asked Lee, motioning to their joined hands.
"SEE YA," she hollered, blending into the buildings on the horizon.
Neji glared at her quickly retreating back. Whatever happened to team solidarity?
o
"There's no fucking way," grunted Sasuke.
"Are you sure about that?" crooned Sakura while Ino produced a thin metal briefcase which she opened with a flourish.
Several instruments of torture (and pleasure!) gleamed in the low interrogation lamp. The swinging light flashed across Sasuke's horror stricken face from where he was bound to the chair with several articles of lingerie.
"I hope you washed these," he grumbled.
Sakura move forward languidly and Ino crossed her arms with a smirk on her face. Sasuke gulped. Sakura crouched down next to him and placed one hand on his shoulder, the other reached out behind her.
"Ino?"
The blonde dropped a transceiver (this was a fairly large-scale operation) in her open hand and moved to Sasuke's other side.
"Bring in the special guest," radioed Sakura.
No sooner had she given the command then a loud clang was heard. Rock Lee burst through the iron door wearing fishnet stockings, a green spandex mini skirt (you can lead a horse to water...), tall leather boots, a shirt with a plunging neckline, whorishly large earrings, and bright red lipstick with clashing purple eyeliner-
("YOSH! Gai-sensei, I need to borrow your purple eyeliner!"
"I TOLD YOU CRAZY KIDS MY FACIAL ACCENTS ARE ALL NATURAL!"
"The jig is up, old man, hand it over.")
"I hear SOMEBODY has a SWEET TOOTH," Lee roared.
"Sasuke, meet Candy," Ino said deviously.
"FINE! FINE! I'LL COOPERATE, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET HIM OFF MY LEG," Sasuke shrieked. Maybe if he was lucky Neji would actually kill him.
o
Tenten flew down street after street, sights and stores rushing past. She couldn't be distracted, she needed a permanent solution.
Something orange and tacky suddenly crashed into her on her left and she tumbled to the ground. When she opened her eyes she saw the stools of Ichiraku scoping upwards. Naruto bent his head down to her level.
"Yo," he said, furiously waving an arm in front of her face.
"Oh," she said, getting up slowly, "Hey, Naruto- What are you WEARING?"
"Wha- oh!" he said when she frantically motioned to the oversized antlers affixed among his tousled blonde hair. "It was part of a running prank I had going, I was trying to convince Shikamaru I was a part of his family's herd of deer then I was gonna sneak in his house and replace all of his shampoo with conditioner-"
"-Why would you want to do that?" she inquired.
"I guess I'm just a rebel," he sighed.
"No, I mean that's...stupid."
"It figures someone with your hairstyle wouldn't be able to recognize the importance of using the right product. Shampoo is balanced to remove dirt and pollutants that build up while simultaneously leaving nutrients and oils necessary to keep the hair in check. Conditioner is used to further increase the user's ability to treat and manage hair but does nothing to clean it," he said matter-of-factly.
Tenten was quite irked at the insult leveled at her buns, which she thought to be quite endearing, and it wasn't like she didn't get enough hair care lectures from Neji. As a result she said her next comment with some malice, "You realize the boy's a genius. That was never going to work."
"That's were you're wrong! Before my cover got blown I managed to get as far as his bathroom! But he needed to get out of the shower before I finished the deed…"
Tenten was still shocked at learning Naruto snuck into the showers of Konoha's residents while they were using them. She tried to push the thought of Shikamaru showering out of her mind because a part of her sternly believed Ino had acquired the ability to read minds, and didn't want to be on the receiving end of a dramatized bitch slap.
"Want to eat some ramen with me?" he said as if he was granting her wildest dreams (This was because it was his wildest dream).
She glanced at the hundreds of empty bowls stacked haphazardly on the counter and the harried storeowner who looked on the verge of collapsing. Behind her his daughter made a series of hand gestures as if to dissuade her from taking the offer.
"Aren't you done?"
"Tenten, you're such a card," he laughed, wiping his eyes. He froze when he saw her expression. "Oh- you were serious?"
o
"I said I'd do it, GET AWAY FROM ME!" shouted Sasuke at the two girls hounding him.
"We know, but frankly, we don't think you're up to it," said Ino.
"Right, so we made you these cue cards so you won't have to worry about the dialogue," Sakura explained.
"The underlined words are the actions," Ino added.
"How are you going to give me that kind of direction in public?" he mused.
"That's why we have these!" Sakura produced several grappling hooks and harnesses.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Sasuke, "I thought you two were over your bondage phase!"
"Relax, Sakura will just use them to repel from a nearby building to flash the signs."
Sasuke breathed a laborious sigh of relief. Then suddenly narrowed his eyes.
"HEY- I DON'T NEED CUE CARDS TO PICK UP A GIRL!"
Sakura clicked her tongues softly while preparing a poster board reading: "Don't tell her she's annoying"
o
"I have a brilliant plan!" exclaimed Naruto, seconds after she finished her account of the day's events.
Unfortunately he was halfway through a bowl of ramen when she wrapped up her tale and Tenten got to experience a spray of noodles, broth, and saliva.
Going to Naruto for help in this field was questionable. After all, he still thought the reason Hinata flushed so often was poor circulation. Often in his presence people would mistake Hinata for a tomato and try to add her to their salad. It was really quite tragic. Additionally he had the maturity of a letter opener, but who was Tenten to be picky?
"You don't dislike Neji, right?"
It took her a second to wade through the double negative but she agreed.
"Actually, I think you like him, right?" he teased, grinning.
She let out a sigh. She'd probably be better off talking to the letter opener.
"What are we going to do?" she said evasively.
"Well," he said, eyes shining, "we make him look like an idiot! With pranks and stuff!"
Tenten groaned, was there anyone who could provide some actual help? (Again she seriously considered the letter opener, surely such things picked up some wisdom being so close to mail and text and whatnot.)
"No, wait," he insisted, trying to find the right words to verbalize his theory, "Neji is kind of intense. So if you see him as a regular person who gets embarrassed, you won't get freaked out!"
Tenten tilted her head. It was off, but it seemed more sound than Ino and Sakura's logic.
"Let's do it!" she exclaimed, jumping up.
"Uh…," Naruto started.
"What?" Tenten returned.
"I think you have a ticket on your back."
She gripped the note in a white-knuckled fist. "WHAT?...TASTELESS PDA?...PAY TO THE ORDER OF OFFICER WILSON?"
"Hinata told me-"
"I know, I know, he'll let me off if I perform a sex rite or something," she spat angrily.
Naruto looked uncomfortable. "Um...Hinata just said there's a job opening down the street. I just thought you might need some extra cash to pay off the fine…," he mumbled, trying to push the image of the older girl performing a sex rite out of his mind. If only most his mentors hadn't been wicked perverts.
"Oh. Never mind," amended Tenten, embarrassed, "- hey wait, there's a FINE?"
oo
A/N:
(5) Anyone have requests for appearances?
Next: Two plans kick into action, more passes by Neji, and Tenten miraculously avoids hospitalization!