Richard sighed for the nth time that day. He was on his private room, staring at the window beside his bed. He watched the raindrops fall and heard the wind banging on the glass window. A week had passed and the rain still has not forgotten its fury. He only regained consciousness a few hours back and even though the doctor insisted that he get more sleep, he couldn't bring himself to do so. He felt warm all over, in contrast to the freezing coldness he felt in Salt Lake. He could feel his eyes burning because of the fever and his vision swirled from time to time but he really could not force himself to sleep.

Julia

He saw her in his dreams. Did she really visit him? A nurse had informed him that he was in the intensive care unit for a few days and he was delirious whenever he awoke. But he could've sworn he heard Julia talk to him.

"Richard…?"

That voice. It was exactly like the one he heard. It was really Julia's voice; he cannot be mistaken.

"Richard?"

Richard was surprised to see her standing by his bed when he turned his head to face her. She looked as beautiful as ever. Her hair was down and loose and she wore a sweater that matched the blue sky.

"Are you all right? Why aren't you resting?" the man asked, partly in surprise, partly because he didn't really know what to say.

"Richard, you're the one who had to be operated on, placed in the ICU unit, suffered dehydration, starvation and shock, and is now having a fever caused by Hyne-knows-what… and you're asking me why I am not resting?" she told him in a partly angry voice as she stared down at him.

He had a plaster on his cheek and an IV was hooked on his left wrist. His legs were covered in bandages as the doctors discovered mild frostbites and blisters on his feet. She knew that other parts of his body were covered in bandages for she could see them underneath his thin hospital robe. His breath was still a bit shallow and labored and the weakness of his voice was very noticeable. The doctor explained as clearly as he could to Julia what his current condition was and it made her feel worse. How could he be in such a terrible condition when she suffered nothing more than a few scratches and a cold?

"…Hey… you make it sound so bad," he smiled at her annoyance; how he missed her.

"But Richard… it is." Her head was cast down and tears were welling up in her eyes. "I hate you Richard, you made my cry buckets of tears…" she partly joked. She didn't expect their meeting to be like this. She practiced what to tell him, but now that he was there, awake, and she was beside him, everything changed.

He didn't know what to say or do. He just stared at Julia and struggled to be on a sitting position. The least he wanted was to make Julia Heartily shed tears for an undeserving man like him. "Julia, I'm sorry."

"No! You did nothing wrong. Damn it Richard! You've always been right." Silence passed for a minute as Julia sat down on the chair beside his bed.

"Julia?" he reached out to hold her hand and she returned the gesture placing her other hand on his forehead to brush away the hair away from his face.

She noticed how warm he was and how flushed he looked. He was alive. He was with her. "Richard… I want you to know that I see you."

"I see you. Yes. That's what she said," the voice at the back of his head told him. See him? He was confused for a while, until he remembered their conversation sometime ago.

"When you got sick… I was so scared. I thought I had lost you forever. I was devastated when Laguna left but… Richard, I realized that… if I lost you, I...I don't think I'd survive."

He had to look away from her. Was it a dream? Was he delirious again? Just when he finally promised to let her go, just when he thought it was already clear to him that she loves Laguna Loire and she can never love him like the way he loves her.

"Julia… you'll never lose me. You know that."

"But Richard!" she suddenly turned away from him in frustration. "I was so scared… You were shaking and you were so cold… You could've died… You could've died with nothing but painful memories from me." The unstoppable tears came no matter how much she tried to hold them back. "I'm so sorry Richard."

He had to inch closer to the edge of the bed to wipe her tears. "Julia… that could've been better than to see you cry now because of me." She was wrong. His most painful memories might have come from her, but the happiest ones were also from her.

"No Richard, you're very important to me, can't you see? I never knew how valuable you were to me till Hyne almost took you away."

He could feel tears building up in his own eyes.

"Richard, I'm sorry I didn't value the love you gave me." He sacrificed everything just for her. She felt it that it was right to return the favor by giving herself to him. When her tears finally died down, she prepared herself to tell him.

"Let's start all over again… I trust you with my heart."

She's willing to love him. But there is a major difference in being willing to love someone than to give her heart willingly. She's unconsciously locking herself up in a cage and he knew that he could never forgive himself if he let her do just that. What if he couldn't make her happy? What if his love wasn't enough? What if he no longer had the strength to let her go?

"No."

Julia's heart froze. What did he say?

"No Julia, I cannot accept." The painful words came out from his mouth. This was the worst thing he had ever done in his life, but he knew he had to do it for their own good. If his old self could've heard him, he might have shot him on the spot. Just when the thing he had longed for fourteen long years presented itself in front of him in a silver platter, he rejected it like some hot burnt pancake.

Her heart broke at his words. She had now lost everything. "Why… why Richard? Is your love not there anymore for me to claim? Am I too late?" She hated herself. Had she hurt him too much to make him hate her? No. How can she live now?

"No… it's not there to be claimed… because you've had it all along." He could still see the confusion and the hurt in her eyes. "I still love you, more than ever before Julia."

"Then why?" her eyes were cast down in confusion, pain and sadness.

"Look at me." He reached out and placed his hand on her cheek and gently nudged her to face him. "Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't love Laguna Loire anymore. Tell me that I am who you see, not him."

She looked into his eyes, just like what he told her to yet the words never came. She tried so hard but she simply can't. Laguna was like a stubborn stain that won't leave the deep recesses of her soul.

"I thought so." He gave her a weak smile then suddenly let her go; he glanced back at the raindrops in the window in an effort to calm himself. "I love you Julia… But I am a very selfish man. I will have all or nothing." He can't just let her give a small part of herself while the bigger part longs and waits for that missing soldier. It would be like tearing her apart. It wouldn't be fair for the two of them.

She wiped away her silent tears. Why was this happening to her? She had never felt this devastated ever before in her life.

"Richard… I'm sorry…"

She had to run. Run away. She was utterly confused. She didn't know how she felt anymore. She ran outside Richard's room, ran outside the hospitals doors and finally felt comfort when her skin felt the stinging rain. Why can't she just order her heart to love Richard wholeheartedly to finally stop all the pain and the misery?

Laguna Loire might never come back. There could never be another ending but a sad one to their story of love.

Why?

Why?

Richard had asked himself the same question as he finally let his own tears fall. Why did he hurt the one he loved? Why didn't he just say yes and avoid hurting himself? The chance to have Julia's love, at least a part of Julia's love, may never come again. Why can't he just continue his game of make pretend? Why can't he just act out the character of Laguna Loire for her to love him forever?

"…Julia… why can't you just love me…" he almost cannot feel the tears amidst the pain. He couldn't even feel the beating of his heart… for his heart now lost its reason to move on.

-----------------------------------

Julia rode the train back to Deling the very next day. The doctors had assured her that the general would be fine even though his fever was still quite high when she left. She went to his room to say goodbye when she saw him almost hiding in his blankets because of his chills. She also noticed that she was not the only one with swollen eyes.

She told him that she had to go back to Deling since the media had been quite 'bored' without her. News about her disappearance had started to spread and she had to go back to clarify everything. He was a bit worried about her but after assuring him, he finally let her go. She scolded him a bit, making him promise to take care of himself. He said yes, and she kissed him goodbye, and then she left.

They had acted like the old times, when their feelings for each other had not yet been an issue. She guessed that it would have to do for now. Their friendship had been proven by time, and it would be the thing that would hold them together for it was currently the strongest bond between the two of them. She didn't know if they were really meant to become lovers or if friendship is the only thing that can be formed between them. But she knew that he would always be there for her and she just promised herself that she would do the same.

But then she continued to ask herself why she ran away from him. The media wasn't that important to her anyway, what they thought of her was never really her concern. She had an excuse to stay in the Timber Hospital and her manager was competent enough to keep the media off the situation. Richard was still quite ill and she just left him there. But she knew she just had to get away from him. She didn't know exactly why but she knew she had to. She didn't know if she was ashamed or if she was hurt by what he said. She knew she had to sort out her feelings once and for all.

At this point in her life, she was totally confused. Even in her younger years, the dilemma of choosing between two men never occurred to her. Sure men courted her here and there, especially when she became a bit popular in the Deling Hotel's bar, but never had she thought of giving away her heart or choosing which heart to take. She had always been a believer of true love and she knew that once she loved someone with all her heart, she'd love him for the rest of her life. But what would she do now that the one she offered her heart to was gone and another man appears in her life, ready to give his heart to her? She had stayed loyal to Laguna and politely turned down suitors as she started to become popular. But when her best friend told her finally that he was secretly among her long list of suitors, she didn't know what to do. She knew that Richard, unlike her other suitors, is true to her. He would never lie about his feelings for her. She had always thought that their feelings for each other were both platonic, and she didn't know that he had hidden his innermost feelings from her just because he realized that she loved someone else. But now that she wanted to give it all a try, he was the one who turned her down.

She must admit that she still longs for Laguna. She misses him terribly. When they had talked that fateful night in her room, she felt like the two of them knew each other for a whole eternity. He was everything she looked for in a man. He was sweet, kind, friendly, loose yet courteous at the same time. And those eyes… who wouldn't fall in love with those eyes?

But the thing that drew him to her was his words. No one ever knew, not even Laguna, but one day, she found a small journal on their usual seats when she offered to help the bar people to close up for the night. She had sinned against him by reading his deepest thoughts and feelings but she also saw the most heartwarming words that made her fall in love with him. He didn't lie when he told her that he wanted to be a writer. She saw how beautifully he had crafted the words and how vividly he had expressed his feelings in pen and paper. He made several poems for her and she knew, without doubt that the man was really in love.

But then she didn't even know if he truly loved her. Maybe he fell in love with the Julia Heartily everyone knew but not too many understood. As she had read, she was the perfect goddess, the musical nymph, the object of his affection; the song of his heart… but was she really more than the dress and the voice? Was she more than the beautiful woman that weaved music with her hands for him?

She had always imagined life with Laguna to be like a fairytale. She's the princess, the damsel in distress that needs to be rescued by her knight in shining armor. Then he would serenade her, whisper words of love to her ears as they run through the meadows, forever youthful, forever in love. Sure they will live a simple life, but it would be filled with happiness and love. But was that enough? Was romance enough for a relationship?

She knew she was wrong to think that way. Fairytale romance can never happen in real life. Problems will come in the way; love can't stay youthful forever. Their life can never be perfect. What if his love for her was just as deep as a page in a journal? What if it's not strong enough to stay and not fade as time passes by?

Would he still love her when she no longer touches the ivory keys, or when her beauty had already faded away?

Would she still love him when his heart can no longer write poems of love, or when his love for her diminishes?

Richard

He had stayed with her through thick and thin. He told her that she can fool everyone else except him. He knew her. The real Julia Heartily, with the weaknesses, the flaws and all. He had never been a quixotic man (or at least showed signs of it.) And she never imagined herself in his arms. He was a friend, a playmate, an occasional rival and a savior. When they were children, he was often rude, dirty, and quite mischievous – normal traits of the usual boy, but as they grew up, he started to change and become an honorable man. He was not really a man of the arts. He didn't have any special artistic talents but was a great enthusiast. One thing that they agreed on was the fact that she played the piano so well, even at a young age, that he started to admire her and watch her play as often as he could. Unlike the other children, he was more focused (and performed better) on analytic things like mathematics, science, and even showed talent on archery and sharp shooting. When they were kids, he often helped her with numbers while she helped him with notes. They were not exactly opposites. Though they had different interests, they respected each other. She was a musician, and he appreciated music a lot. She was not a very 'accurate' person but she couldn't help but wonder how he manages to hit targets so accurately.

Richard never really told her or at least showed signs that he loved her more than a friend in their younger years… or maybe she was just too blind and innocent to notice. He gave her the weirdest gifts, pebbles he got from the places he had been, arrowheads that were said to be 'lucky charms' and several piano pieces he managed to get here and there. But then he was always there when she was down. Once in their teenage years, she was picked on by a senior classman and he went to the trouble of escaping from military school and traveling several miles just to get to her and scare off the poor guy. His father, who was a general, heavily reprimanded him but all he did was give her a sheepish grin and a wink and that was enough for her to know that everything was fine. When he was around, she felt safe. He had that way of making things right and being a 'no-sweat hero' kind of guy.

Richard had always concealed his feelings for her. She guessed that it was one of the reasons why she never entertained the thought of being more than a friend to him. But now she knew, she saw things in a different perspective. Her memories became clearer and she remembered more instances wherein he showed his love for her but she didn't notice.

Why does this have to happen now? Why only now? What should she do?

Only Hyne knows.

The man of her dreams versus the man in her memories – could she live with the dreams and forget the memories, or live with the memories and forget her dreams?

Author's notes:

Here's yet another inconsistency with the FF storyline. No, there was no diary/journal/whatever. It was just a device that was supposed to make Julia fall desperately in love with Laguna…because … I think it doesn't make sense that she just falls in love with him when they talked in that hotel room… (or did they just talk….? snicker)

Laguna: Why you little….!

Oh that's …er…it for now. Hafta run!

LAGUNA! GO AWAY! (sibling rivalry… sigh….)

Thank you for reading!