Title: I Finally Remembered You. Part 15 – Soulful discussions.

Author: Xanfan

Rating: R/NC-17 for other chapters

Pairing: Xander/Angel

Summary: AU futurefic. Slash. Xander, not Buffy, had gone to see Angel in "I Will Remember You" Years later, he finally keeps his promise.

Spoilers: All of BtVS & Ats

Warnings: M/M, mild language, more in future chapters

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Words in Italics indicate thoughts.

Xander and Angel were walking back from Xander's thinking spot, when something occurred to Xander.

"What did you mean 'At the time, you thought you still had to worry about the clause'?" Xander picked up on that piece of information, from their earlier conversation.

"You heard about the whole Darla thing?" Angel continued when Xander just nodded, "I had what I call an epiphany. I did a little research and talked to a conduit to the Powers and….Willow didn't re-curse me with the intention of punishing me, she re-cursed me with a pure intent, to help me and stop me from destroying the world."

"And…" Xander looked confused.

"Without the intent to punish, the happiness clause wasn't there. And, barring outside intervention, my soul is permanent."

"Outside intervention?"

"Once an actress slipped me a drug which repressed my inhibitions and pretty much repressed my soul, allowing my demon to take control. Luckily the drug wore off, before to much damage was done."

"What about when Willow went to L.A. to restore your soul? " Xander asked, still not sure what was being said.

"We used a spell to remove my soul to get information from my demon. And then they physically 'lost' my soul, or at least the container it was being held in. Probably not the best idea we ever had." Angel admitted.

"So, assuming, you don't get slipped a mickey or have it removed intentionally, your soul is permanent? As in not goin' nowhere? No more Angelus?" Xander asked.

"Pretty much, yeah." Angel replied. "I don't think Willow even knew."

"You could have been with Buffy this whole time, after all." Xander said sadly.

"In a way I'm glad I didn't know."

"What do you mean?" Xander was truly confused.

"If I had known, when I got back from hell that my soul was permanent, Buffy and I probably would have resumed our relationship. And as much as I loved her, we would've never worked. And not just in the "I'm a vampire, she's a slayer" way either. We really didn't have a lot, outside of our missions', in common. We never had conversations. We mostly just made out and fought. Not much to build a relationship on. I don't think either of us really bothered to get to know each other, beyond our feelings. But we probably would have tried to make it work, even if it was bad, out of stubbornness and fear." Angel explained.

"Fear?"

"Fear of the unknown, clinging to something because it's easy or just because its there. Fear that there is no one else out there for you. Fear that this is the best it'll ever get."

"Sometimes fear causes you to let go, instead of hold on." Xander said quietly, thinking of Anya and how he had hurt her. He still believed they weren't ready to get married, but, he had still loved her.

"Besides, if I had known, I might never have had my day with you. And as painful as it was to love you and lose you, I don't regret the time we had together." He smiled sadly at Xander.

Xander looked, really looked, and could see the sincerity in him.

Maybe this, whatever it is, has a chance after all. He thought to himself, with a smile.

"So, no more happiness clause." Xander stated, trying to get back to the original topic.

"No more happiness clause." Angel replied.

"Does that mean you can, you know?" Xander asked, blushing a little.

"Yes, I can." Angel smiled at His Boy's bashfulness. "From what I have heard about Anya, and what she considered appropriate topics of conversation, I think it's humorous that you won't even say the word."

"That was Anya, not me. Besides, she did it on purpose. I think she had spent so many years thinking up ways to torture people, that it was almost second nature to find new and inventive ways to make people uncomfortable." Xander smiled at the thought. He realized that it was getting easier to think about the good times with Anya, instead of just thinking about losing her.

Maybe I'm finally starting to heal?

"Really?" Angel asked, for once he actually wanted to hear about Anya, sensing that the conversation was helping the boy heal a bit.

"Yeah, she had a weird sense of humor. Sometimes, she would try to see how many times she could make Giles polish his glasses or make Willow and Tara blush. She kept a little notebook, that she had a running tally in. I think the numbers for both were well into the hundreds. I don't know how many times Buffy choked on her gum or whatever she was eating at the time. And, once, when Anya made some comment while he was drinking, Spike shot blood out of his nose and all over one of Giles' old books. They were both pretty pissed. Actually, Spike looked a little intrigued, but mostly pissed off. He says it was like shooting soda out of your nose. Which can be pretty painful, let me tell you."

Angel was flabbergasted. "What did she say to shock Spike that much? Hell, what did she say to shock Spike, period?"

Xander blushed and muttered, "You'll have to ask him. I don't remember."

"You don't remember? Then why are you blushing?" Angel teased the, now, red-faced boy.

"Well, uh, pretty much whatever she said was usually pretty embarrassing, so, I, uh, yeah. Anyway, I don't remember exactly what she said, but I can imagine." Xander babbled.

"Uh-huh." Angel was unconvinced. You can be sure he was going to ask Spike about the incident, even if only, just because he finally had something to tease his annoying childe with.

They walked in comfortable silence for a few moments. Which was pretty surprising, not for Angel, who could be found brooding for hours in solitude, but, for Xander, who was used to feeling a great need to fill lulls in conversation with babble.

Then, something occurred to Xander.

"Angel?"

"Yes, Xander?"

"Why do you think I've had these dreams all these years? Why am I suddenly remembering them? And, why did we have that flashback thingy in the training room, when you hugged me?" Xander asked in one breath.