Title: I Finally Remembered You. Part 16 – Questions Unanswered.

Author: Xanfan

Rating: R/NC-17 for other chapters

Pairing: Xander/Angel

Summary: AU futurefic. Slash. Xander, not Buffy, had gone to see Angel in "I Will Remember You" Years later, he finally keeps his promise.

Spoilers: All of BtVS & Ats

Warnings: M/M, mild language, more in future chapters

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Words in Italics indicate thoughts.

"I can honestly say that I have no idea why you've remembered anything at all about that day." Angel told Xander, just as confused as the boy.

"How come you remembered?" Xander asked.

"Well, the PTB's wanted to make sure that the same thing wouldn't happen again. I had to know how to kill the Mohra demon, before its blood could make me human."

"Oh."

They continued to walk, both lost in their own thoughts. Each trying to come up with a reason that Xander would have memories of a day that, for him, had never happened.

Xander was more than a little confused by the situation. Why would he remember that day? Why now?

He thought about all that Angel had told him about that day. The events, the conversations, the feelings. Had it been real love? Had it been a forever type love that the girls were always talking about? Do I even believe in a forever love? What happens when a forever love doesn't last forever? What happens when it only lasts a day, then is taken away?

Xander didn't know the answers to any of these questions. Love had never worked out well for him in the past. He had always, sorta believed, that it was his own fault. That there was something wrong with him that made people not love him back, at least, not the way he loved them.

Maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe, he had just loved the wrong people?

He had really loved Cordy. Loved her humor and her attitude. She never took crap from anyone. They had had so much fun together, trading insults and snark. He had never meant to hurt her and had never stopped caring about her.

Willow. She had been his whole world, for so long. As children, she had been the only person who showed him attention, love, or kindness. He loved her like a sister, like a best friend, but he had never been really in love with her. When Oz came along, he had gotten so used to being her world, that he didn't know how to handle it when she pushed him aside for the werewolf/musician. At the time of the whole "Fluke" thing, he had been so afraid of losing her, that he had held onto her the only way he knew how, with physical affection. It had been wrong and had hurt not only themselves, but, pretty much everyone else too. And, they had never really recovered their closeness. Buffy had replaced Xander as Willow's confidant and best friend. When she tried to end the world, Xander had been there to stop her. He had hoped it would be the beginning of their own personal renaissance. But, the renewed closeness had never materialized. And he mourned that every day. He still missed "yellow crayon Willow" and he probably always would.

He hadn't meant to start anything with Anya, but she had been so insistent, so…interested, that it was just easier to go along with the flow. He had been flattered by her pursuit and had just wanted someone to want him, for once. Not be ashamed of him. He had wanted someone to want him outside of the broom closet. Literally and metaphorically. And Anya had. She had told anyone who would listen, how much she wanted him. Explicitly, even. And he had done the whole "love the one your with" thing, because he hadn't really known any better.

And he had broken her heart, brutally, in front of all of their friends and family. He had sent her running back to the demon world, which had almost caused Buffy to kill her.

He hadn't stopped loving her. Not when he had walked away from their wedding, not when he had seen her having sex with Spike, and not when she had died, fighting Bringers alongside Andrew. She would always hold a piece of his heart. And he wasn't sorry, not for loving her, at least.

So, as much as he would like to hate Angel for giving away their day, giving up on their love, if he hadn't, Xander would never have gotten to love Anya. Maybe it would have saved her life, but, maybe it wouldn't have. But, he can say, loving her changed him. He had to be the grown up in their relationship, because her long years as a demon had made her forget what being human was all about. Emotionally, she had often been childlike, unable to process or understand the emotions that she was feeling. He had been her guide, her friend, her lover. Once again, he had been someone's everything.

Maybe that was what he had fallen in love with. Being someone's everything. Maybe it felt safe, right, being that for someone. He had been Willow's everything, for most of his life, until Buffy came to town. Could it be that he had been trying to recapture that feeling with Anya?

So he had loved the wrong people. Or, loved the right people, for the wrong reasons. Where did that leave him?

Would it really have been any different with Angel? Would he have found a way to screw it up, like he had every other time? Or, would it have been everything he had been looking for his whole life?

Xander thought about the emotions his dreams had always invoked, even before he remembered them. While the sense of loss had always been devastating, the feeling of loving and being loved had always felt….right. Unbelievably, right.

Maybe that's because it was. Huh?

Maybe, being loved by Angel, was right. As in, meant to be. Maybe he had been meant to love Angel. In a forever kind of way.

Did the Powers That Be have something to do with this?

Maybe they knew that, however necessary it was, for that day to be taken back, it wasn't a good thing to do to either man. Maybe they wanted him to remember, so they could one day find their way back to each other?

Xander didn't know for sure. But, he wanted to find out.

"Angel, do you still have access to the Powers That Be?"

"The only place I knew to access them was in L.A." Angel replied, a little confused by the question. "Why?"

"Maybe they know why I have memories that I shouldn't and why they were "triggered" when we hugged."

"I could try and find Lorne. He is a conduit to the PTBs. Maybe he knows of a way. I did, pretty much burn my bridges with him, so I'm not sure if he'd be willing to help." Angel replied, sadly.

"Try. It could be the only way we ever find out for sure." Xander replied, not ready to fully share his thoughts.