Title: I Finally Remembered You. Part 18 – So, Friends, Huh?

Author: Xanfan

Rating: R/NC-17 for other chapters

Pairing: Xander/Angel

Summary: AU futurefic. Slash. Xander, not Buffy, had gone to see Angel in "I Will Remember You" Years later, he finally keeps his promise.

Spoilers: All of BtVS & Ats

Warnings: M/M, mild language, more in future chapters

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Words in Italics indicate thoughts.

Angel closed his bedroom door with a sigh. After walking back to the main house, he and Xander had realized they had missed dinner and headed for the kitchen. They ate their respective dinners' in silence, lost in their own thoughts. He had seen Xander to his room, awkwardly saying goodbye at the door.

The big revelation hadn't been his total nightmare, with Xander hating him and staking him.

It also hadn't been his wildest dream, with Xander declaring his undying love and jumping into his arms, followed by extremely hot monkey sex.

It had been somewhere in between, but, better than he expected. He and Xander were going to be friends.

I can do that, the friend thing.

He and Xander had never really been friends before. They had been rivals, grudging allies, enemies and lovers, but not friends.

He wanted to be Xander's friend. And have Xander be his friend. He had always respected and envied the loyalty, affection and love that Xander had bestowed on his friends. Now, he had a chance to be a part of that.

Was it enough?

Could he hang out with Xander as friends and not want more? Was it okay to want more if he didn't push for more?

Could he stand being so close to Xander and not touch? Because he wanted to touch Xander, Oh Boy, did he want to touch him. Not in a platonic, patting friend on the shoulder way either. He wanted to "naughty touch" as Xander would say. Really naughty touching, dirty even. Dirty, yeah, maybe with whipped cream, ice cream and chocolate like they had that day. Crap, Angel, get your mind out of the boy's pants! He wants a friend, not a boyfriend.

So, could he face being near Xander all the time, and not be with him?

Or worse, could he face not being near him anymore?

The past few years, he had not admitted it to himself, but, he had secretly survived on the hope that Xander would be His Boy again one day. If he didn't have that, couldn't even be near the boy, would he be able to continue?

Without Xander, his redemption meant nothing, was for nothing.

Even if Xander wasn't his lover, he would be his friend. And that had to be enough. Life, or unlife, without Xander in it somewhere, was unthinkable.

He and Xander would be friends, maybe one day more. Regardless, he would love Xander, whether the boy ever loved him back or not.

Because, Xander needed him, needed his friendship. Needed his affection and love, even if it wasn't returned. Needed to be cared for and listened to. Needed to be someone's everything.

Xander had been Willow's everything for many years, before she had pushed him to the side for Buffy, Oz and Tara. Xander had been Anya's everything, because she literally had no one else. Xander was used to being someone's everything. Xander didn't remember, but he had been Angel's everything too. He would be again.

Maybe it wasn't healthy, but it was Xander.

Xander had spent so much time being told that he was worthless, useless, unloved and unneeded. Xander needed someone to need him. He didn't need to be needed as the physically strongest one, or the bravest, or the smartest, or the –est anything. He didn't need to be needed as a hero or a champion. He needed to be needed as a rock, a touchstone. Someone to make sense of the world, support in the tough times and a voice of truth in times of confusion. Xander was all those things, to people who hadn't recognized or appreciated it. Even now, he was treated like the handyman, instead of a valuable member of the team. Angel knew Xander liked working with his hands, but he also liked helping in other ways, too.

Angel was going to make sure that Xander never felt unneeded or underappreciated, ever again.

The people that Xander considered friends, family even, hadn't been taking proper care of His Boy, hadn't taken care of him in a long time, if ever. And not just physically, Angel, don't think or growl about missing eye, he was talking about mentally and emotionally. Angel had been able to smell sorrow, loss and helplessness coming from the boy, even through his laughter and jokes.

Hadn't that always been the case? Hadn't His Boy always hidden behind smiles and jokes?

His boy was not useless and should never be made to feel that way ever again. A man can only take so much, before he completely gives up. Angel should know, he had been there a time or two himself. But, he didn't want Xander to give up on the people he loved or this life.

Xander needed him. And he needed Xander. They both needed a safe place, a person they could be themselves with. They could be that for each other.

Even if it was just as friends.

Angel would be Xander's friend. He wouldn't push for more, but, he wouldn't be closed off to the possibility that Xander might, or might not, want more down the road.

But, he could dream. And, he could remember.

Xander rested his head on the broad shoulder of the man who held him close. Luxuriating in the comfort and safety to be found there. He nuzzled a bit against the shoulder before speaking.

"Can we stay here, like this, forever?"

A warm chuckle rumbled from the chest pressed against him.

"Well, we could, but, I think eventually, our various body functions would make it difficult and embarrassing," was the amused reply.

"Very funny Deadboy," he paused, "I guess I can't call you that anymore. What should I call you now, Liveboy? "

"Or not," came the sardonic reply.

"Or, I could just call you My Love." He said, with an uncharacteristic display of gooey feelings.

"I really like the sound of that," Angel replied," I can't call you "Harris" anymore either. What should I call you? Honey? Sweetums?" Angel teased.

"Uh, that would be a BIG no." Xander grumbled.

"Or, I could just call you Mine." Angel said, filling the endearment with all the love he felt for this amazing man in his arms.

Angel smiled at the memory. He let himself relax into sleep, hoping that more dreams/memories like that one would follow him into slumber. Hoping that those dreams and memories would be enough, if they had to be.