Title: I Finally Remembered You. Part 19 – So, Friends, Huh? Again.
Author: Xanfan
Rating: R/NC-17 for other chapters
Pairing: Xander/Angel
Summary: AU futurefic. Slash. Xander, not Buffy, had gone to see Angel in "I Will Remember You" Years later, he finally keeps his promise.
Spoilers: All of BtVS & Ats
Warnings: M/M, mild language, more in future chapters
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Words in Italics indicate thoughts.
Xander closed his bedroom door with a sigh. After walking back to the main house, he and Angel had realized they had missed dinner and headed for the kitchen. They ate their respective dinners' in silence, lost in their own thoughts. Angel had walked Xander to his room, awkwardly saying goodbye at the door.
Xander didn't know what he had expected Angel to tell him tonight, but, he hadn't expected to be told that they had been in love, for one day. A day that had never happened, except, that it had.
It was all very confusing.
If what Angel had said was true, Xander had been loved more in that one day, than he had been loved in his entire life. And maybe he still was. Loved, that is. He could see it in Angel's eyes. And, seeing it hadn't squicked Xander, not even a little.
But, they had agreed to start as friends. Maybe stay just friends.
As much as Xander would like to jump at the chance to be loved, really loved, he knew that he and Angel didn't really know each other.
They hadn't bothered to get to know each other, beyond the surface, back in Sunnydale. And they didn't know the men that had become since then. Xander thought they both had probably matured since then. Changed into people they may or may not even like now.
So, they were going to be friends.
Xander could always use more friends. Xander could definitely use more guy friends.
What Xander really wanted, besides love, was a best friend.
Buffy, while he was still her friend, Xander admitted that she hadn't been much of a friend to him lately. Okay, she hadn't been much of a friend to him in a very long time. Sure, they had had times of closeness, like, in those moments before Tara died and the summer Willow was away after she had tried to end the world. But that closeness always passed. And, now, Buffy hadn't said much more than "Hello" to him in over a year. Sure, when he called her or answered the phone when she called the estate, they attempted small talk, but, it was always a short and awkward conversation.
He missed Buffy, missed not just the friend, or the hero that she had been to him. He missed the girl, not the "One Girl In All the World" he missed the girl she had been when he had first known her. The girl who still held on to a bit of her innocence (and not sexual innocence) and playfulness. She hadn't been that girl, since before her mother had died. And the way she was going, she probably would never find that girl again.
Willow, she had been his childhood best friend, and they were still close friends. But, if truth be told, Willow had begun to push him aside, when Buffy arrived on the Hellmouth. When Willow had discovered that boys other than Xander existed, namely Oz, he had been shunted aside even further. When college came for Willow and Buffy, but, not for Xander, he had been relegated even further away. When Tara came along, Xander and the shy witch had bonded over their love for Wills, so Xander had felt closer to Willow through that friendship. That day on the bluffs, when he had stopped Willow from ending the world, he thought he had his best friend back. But, the closeness he had expected had never materialized. And Kennedy, she didn't want Willow to have any room in her life for anyone but her, so Xander was, once again, left in the dust.
He and Dawn had been close, but in a brother sister way, and that was just a different relationship than best friend. There were some things you just couldn't tell your baby sister. No way, no how.
Giles was his father figure, and again with the, "there were some things you just couldn't tell." While he loved Giles like a father, he had no desire to have "the talk" with him. Having Jesse's dad give him and Jesse "the talk" when they were eleven had been embarrassing enough. And don't even get him started on having to give "the talk" to Willow when she was thirteen, because her parents were out of town and they had never bothered to tell her any of that stuff, so she had freaked out when she had gotten her first period and didn't know what was going on.
He and Faith had resolved a lot of their personal crap. They actually, were becoming pretty good friends. And Xander was trying to be the best friend he could be to her, but Faith never let anyone really close. And while they were probably as close as friends that she had ever been, she might never be able to be his best friend. But, he could continue to try, and hey, he had proved before that you could have more than one best friend.
He could see in Angel, the potential to be best friends. Maybe that term was corny, but, it was the only way he knew how to describe it.
He already felt pretty comfortable with Angel, admittedly, that was due to aftereffects of a day he couldn't remember. But, the feeling was still there.
They both had been screwed over by fate and the love thing a time or two….or six.
They both seemed to have struggled, and probably still struggled, with self worth. While Xander had had his parents and others telling him he was useless and worthless, Angel had a conscience and ghosts of the past telling him he was no good. They both could use someone to remind them that it wasn't true.
He wanted to get to know Angel, the real Angel. He wanted to be his friend. He wanted to be his best friend. And yeah, he probably wanted more, but he didn't think he was quite ready for that.
So, friends, I can do that.
And who's to say it won't become something else, something more?
Xander smiled tiredly. It had been a long and draining day. As he lay in bed, drifting off to sleep, he thought, Maybe I'll have one of THOSE dreams, and maybe, I'll get to remember it this time.
Xander rested his head on the broad shoulder of the man who held him close. Luxuriating in the comfort and safety to be found there. He nuzzled a bit against the shoulder before speaking.
"Can we stay here, like this, forever?"
A warm chuckle rumbled from the chest pressed against him.
"Well, we could, but, I think, eventually, our various body functions would make it difficult and embarrassing," was the amused reply.
"Very funny Deadboy," he paused, "I guess I can't call you that anymore. What should I call you now, Liveboy? "
"Or not," came the sardonic reply.
"Or, I could just call you My Love." He said, with an uncharacteristic display of gooey feelings.
"I really like the sound of that," Angel replied," I can't call you "Harris" anymore either. What should I call you? Honey? Sweetums?" Angel teased.
"Uh, that would be a BIG no." Xander grumbled.
"Or, I could just call you Mine." Angel said, filling the endearment with all the love he felt for this amazing man in his arms.