Title: I Finally Remembered You. Part 21 – A Picture Worth a Thousand Words

Author: Xanfan

Rating: R/NC-17 for other chapters

Pairing: Xander/Angel

Summary: AU futurefic. Slash. Xander, not Buffy, had gone to see Angel in "I Will Remember You" Years later, he finally keeps his promise.

Spoilers: All of BtVS & Ats

Warnings: M/M, mild language, more in future chapters

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

Words in Italics indicate thoughts.

Xander stared down at the piece of paper he held. It was a drawing, of him. A laughing smile, aimed at whoever he was looking at. He looked tousled and it didn't appear that he had a shirt on. He also looked….happy, really happy.

I can't remember ever being that happy, not even with Wills or Anya.

He looked up at Angel, who looked back at him with a mixture of fear and sadness.

"Is this…." Xander began, not quite sure what he was asking.

"I drew that after, from memory." Angel said quietly, not sure what Xander's reaction would be.

"Did I really look like this?" Xander looked at the vampire, wonder and sadness swirled in him.

"That's what you look like." Angel asked confused.

"No, I mean….the expression on my face. Was it…." Xander was not sure how to ask what he needed to know. He paused, and tried again. "We were really happy weren't we? We were really in love?"

Angel's heart would have stopped beating, had it been beating in the first place. This conversation was so reminiscent of a conversation he had had with Cordy, or whoever had been in Cordy's body, after she came back, when she had become a higher being.

As painful as that conversation had been, this was worse. And he was very afraid that the outcome would be no different.

"Yes, we were. We were so very happy and so very much in love." Angel replied.

"And you let that go? You just walked away?" Xander couldn't understand, before, even with the dreams and the visions, it had all been very abstract, he had pretty much just taken Angel's word for it all. But, seeing his face, looking so happy and in love, made it that much more real. It had all really happened. It was not just dreams and visions and weird feelings. It was real.

Xander had thought he had believed it before, but now he knew that he had had doubts. Honestly, he hadn't thought that he was capable of loving someone that much, of being that happy, of having someone really, truly, love him back.

But, he had, all those things, he had. And Angel threw it all away. What if I never have any of it again?

Angel watched the range of emotions cross Xander's face. He took a deep breath and just started talking, hoping whatever this was, it hadn't ruined whatever tentative relationship they had.

"I didn't just walk away. It was the hardest thing I ever did, the hardest decision I ever had to make. I didn't want to let you go. I wanted to hold onto you and never let you go. I still wake up crying when I dream of those last few minutes. I had never been loved like that before, either. When you love someone, you love completely, wholeheartedly. And for one day, I had that. And it was amazing. And then it was gone. And I wanted to walk into the sun, when I looked into your eyes after and saw nothing of what had been there before." Angel struggled to hold back his tears.

"I had never laughed so much or so hard, than I did in that one day, not even when I was human the first time. You made me unbelievably happy, happier than I had ever been. Even my 'moment of true happiness' couldn't compare with the feeling you gave me with just a smile, no sex involved. I have ached for you every moment, of every day, since."

Xander opened his mouth to speak, feeling Angel had just proved his point.

Angel rushed on, not letting Xander speak, "Having said that, let me say this. You are here, alive, and that makes it all worth it. You are worth it. All the pain and sorrow pales in comparison to knowing that you are here, because had I stayed human, you would have died. I'm not sure how or when, but you would be dead. And so would I, because, you can't expect me to walk one more moment in this world if your not in it. All this time, you may not have been mine, but you were alive, and that was enough for me."

Angel stopped speaking and looked at Xander, waiting for his response.

"Did you ever stop?" Xander whispered.

"Stop what?"

"Stop loving me, did you ever stop loving me?"

"No, not even for one moment. When I loved Cordy, I still loved you. When my soul was gone, Angelus still loved you, and my soul, wherever it was, loved you. No matter what happened, that never changed."

"So you love me now?"

"Yes." Angel answered, simply and emphatically.

"And loving me that much, you're willing to settle for just being my friend?" Xander was still reeling, under all that had been said, so, he clung to this one idea.

"I am willing to settle for just being friends." Angel assured.

"Oh." Xander said, not understanding why he was a little disappointed.

"But, I never said I wouldn't hope for more. I never said I wouldn't hope that you could learn to love me back." Angel said, with a smile.

"Oh, okay." Xander was not sure why Angel's words gave him butterflies in his stomach.

Speaking of his stomach, "So, you want to buy me dinner on the way to the airport?"

Angel had whiplash from the subject change, but, was also amused. He knew His Boy would need a little time to process all that had been said. It was just like him to set it aside and move on to more "important" matters, like his tummy.

"Sure, you go wrap Willow's present and decide where you want to eat and I'll go heat up some blood. Come find me in the kitchen when you're ready to go."

"Okay" Xander was a little surprised that Angel had let him change the subject that easily. He gathered up Willow's gift, surreptitiously slipping the picture of himself underneath, for future study.

He headed for the door, but was stopped at Angel's next words.

"Oh Xander, since I'm buying you dinner, does that make this a date?"