The Importance of Being Sesshoumaru

by Lilah Neal

Would an inuyoukai, by any other name, still be as deadly? Or as appealing to the woman he wants as his mate? Sesshoumaru is about to find out. [Complete] Updated 16 May: Problems with last chapter fixed...I hope.

1. Act I, Part I

The Importance of Being Sesshoumaru

A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

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Cast:

Earnest Worthing: Inukai Sesshoumaru

Alergnon Moncrieff: Tsuruga Inuyasha

Gwendolyn Fairfax: Higurashi Kagome

Cecily Cardew: Kuramoto Rin

Dr. Chausible, the younger: Kaza Miroku

Dr. Chausible, the elder: Kaza Mushin

Ms. Prism, the younger: Hirai Sango

Mrs. Prism: Hirai Kaede

Gen. Moncrief: Lord Inutashio

Bunburry: Naraku

Lady Bracknell/Aunt Augusta: Nigen Kikyou

Lord Bracknell: Nigen Suikotsu

Merriman: Jaken

Lane: Myouga

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Disclaimer:

The characters belong to Takahashi Rumiko and Shonen Sunday (Shogakukan), and the play upon which this fic is so loosely based, The Importance of Being Earnest, belongs to Oscar Wilde and his descendants...or perhaps their lawyers. At any rate, not to me.

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ACT ONE

PART 1

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An aging servant in traditional dôbuku sugata arranged the afternoon tea on a low table in a luxuriously, somewhat ostentatiously, furnished room, paying no heed to the discordant shinobue music wafting in from the adjacent room. The servant sighed and straightened his back as the music ended and a young man dressed all in scarlet, with long silver hair and adorable white dog ears perched atop his head entered the room, his sharp golden eyes falling on the table. Though there was no ramen to be seen, something smelled quite good, and it was making his nose tingle.

"Did you hear what I was playing, Myouga?"

"I didn't think it polite to listen, Inuyasha-kou."

Inuyasha smirked.

"Too bad, for your sake, jijii. I don't play well – anybody can do that – but I play real loud."

Myouga nodded absently.

"Hai, wagakimi."

"Speaking of food..."

"Were we speaking of food, wagakimi?"

Inuyasha's nose twitched again, and Myouga merely sighed.

"Have you got the gyoza for Nigen-kou?"

"Hai, Inuyasha-kou."

He handed the inuhanyou a beautiful lotus-shaped serving dish made of heavily glazed celadon porcelain. Inuyasha's golden eyes widened appreciatively and he salivated a little. Spearing three on his claws, he plopped down on a cushion.

"Oh yeah...by the way, Myouga..."

He ate a dumpling.

"I saw from your scroll that on Thursday night, when that yaze ookami and Inukai-san were dining with me, eight bottles of our best sake were noted as having been drank."

"Drunk, Inuyasha-kou."

Inuyasha dipped the other two gyoza into the dipping sauce and ate them at once.

"I'm not drunk."

"I wasn't saying you are, wagakimi, I just—"

Inuyasha looked at him, his cheeks full, and Myouga sighed again.

"Hai, Inuyasha-kou, eight bottles and a pint."

"Why is it that at a bachelor's place, sake just seems to fuckin' disappear?"

He glared at Myouga, as though daring him not to answer. The older demon assumed the air of the sage.

"I attribute it to the superior quality of the sake, milord. I have often observed that in married households the sake is rarely of high quality."

The inuhanyou blinked rapidly.

"Fuuuuuck. Is marriage really all that bad?"

Myouga's cheeks started to flush slightly.

"Oh it's a very pleasant state, milord. I've had very little experience with it myself up to the present, though. I was only married once, you see, due to a misunderstanding between myself and a young demoness."

Inuyasha made a face.

"I don't think I wanna know about your love life, Myouga."

"It's not a very interesting subject, Inuyasha-kou. I try not to think about much myself."

"Keh!"

He ate another gyoza and waved Myouga off.

"Arigatou."

"Not at all, Inuyasha-kou."

POOF! Myouga returned to his natural size and state, that of a tiny flea demon, and hopped away and out the door, leaving Inuyasha to ravage the refreshments alone. He started peeling an orange with his claws, his brow furrowed with thought.

"I can't believe Myouga has such a low opinion of marriage...I mean, hell! If servants don't set a good example for their masters, then what's the point of having them? Don't they have any sense of moral responsibility?"

He shoved the now peeled orange in his mouth, whole, as Myouga called from the hall,

"Inukai Sesshoumaru."

Inuyasha swallowed the orange with a dramatic gulp and turned to the door, where the tall, stately, walking iceberg that was Inukai Sesshoumaru had just entered. He arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow at the hanyou and remarked,

"Eating as usual, I see."

Inuyasha stiffened and growled just a little at the inuyoukai.

"I think it's customary in polite society to eat about now."

"I was not aware you knew anything about polite society."

They stared at each other for a few moments before Inuyasha asked,

"Where've you been since last Thursday, anyway?"

Sesshoumaru glided across the room and all but floated onto a large cushion near the corner.

"In the country."

"What do you do out there?"

Absentmindedly petting his kegawa, Sesshoumaru answered flatly,

"When this Sesshoumaru is in town, he amuses himself. When this Sesshoumaru is in the country, he amuses other people. It is excessively boring."

Inuyasha stifled a chuckle.

"Who in the hells do you amuse?"

"Neighbors."

"Got nice neighbors out there in Chugoku?"

"Perfectly detestable. This Sesshoumaru never speaks to them."

"They must get a real kick outta you, then."

Inuyasha ate another gyoza, his eyes never leaving the expressionless being seated across the room from him as he asked,

"Chugoku is your prefecture, ne?"

"Aa."

Sesshoumaru's gilt gaze swept over the table in front of Inuyasha.

"Why so many cups? Why such exotic fruits? And...gyoza? You never eat gyoza."

"Baka! My Aunt Kikyou and Kagome are comin' for tea."

The barest hint of a smile tugged at the inuyoukai's mouth.

"Honto ne? Marvelous."

"Keh! Aunt Kikyou ain't gonna like you bein' here."

The smile, if it could truly be called such, faded, and Sesshoumaru's eyes darkened ever so slightly.

"Assuming this Sesshoumaru cares about your aunt's opinion...why?"

"Cuz the way you flirt with Kagome is disgusting! It's almost as bad as the way Kagome flirts with you!"

"I desire Kagome. I have come to town expressly to ask her to be my mate."

Inuyasha suppressed a shudder.

"You said you came to town for pleasure. Sounds more like business."

"Your lack of romanticism surprises even this Sesshoumaru."

The hanyou shrugged.

"Keh! There's nuthin' romantic about askin' a bitch to be your mate. I mean, wanting her and all, that's romantic, but what's romantic about askin'? She might accept. They usually do, ya know. And then the thrill of the hunt is all over! I always figured the uncertainty was what made it exciting."

Sesshoumaru eyed the younger demon warily, as though the lad had just sprouted another head, as he added,

"Believe me, if I ever get mated, I'm gonna try real hard to forget about it."

"I do not doubt it. The Divorce Court was specially invented for persons whose memories are so...conveniently faulty."

"Damn right! Divorces were made in Heaven—"

He snatched the plate of gyoza up before Sesshoumaru could satisfy his curiosity and eat one.

"Hands off, Fluffy! These are for Aunt Kikyou."

"Then why are you eating them?"

Inuyasha stuffed one in his mouth as he replied,

"Duh! She's my aunt."

Taking the lid off the oden, he suggested,

"Have some oden. Kagome is devoted to oden."

The inuyoukai helped himself to a bowl and actually ate some of it.

"Hmm...and very good oden it is, too. I had no idea human food tasted so pleasant."

He finished the bowl and inhaled the aroma of the oden coming from the serving bowl. It really was quite tasty, in spite of it being human food. Inuyasha smirked at the older youkai and scoffed,

"Fuck, Sesshou! You're actin' like you're already mated to her. You're not, ya know, and I don't think you ever will be, either."

The oden forgotten, Sesshoumaru cracked his knuckles, the fragrance of his poison overpowering the scent of food, as he demanded,

"Why would you say such a thing?"

"Bitches never mate the males they flirt with. It's a rule they have, or somethin'."

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."

"The hells it is! It's true! That's why there's so damn many unmated men runnin' around!"

He poked his bottom lip forward in a childish pout and added,

"'Sides, I don't give my consent."

"Your consent?"

Sesshoumaru, for the first time in his long life, suddenly felt the urge to laugh out loud. But he ignored this feeling and remained stoic and composed, as the inuhanyou snapped,

"Kagome is my first cousin! So, before I let you bite her on the neck and drag her off into the woods, you're gonna have to clear up the whole question of Rin."

Inwardly flinching just a hair but outwardly as placid as a frozen lake, the inuyoukai blinked once and replied calmly,

"Rin? What do you mean by Rin? This Sesshoumaru knows no one by that name."

Grinning triumphantly, Inuyasha pulled a slim, silver case of some kind from the folds of his gi. Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed a fraction.

"You have had my cigarette case since Thursday last, and did not bother to inform me? This Sesshoumaru has threatened quite a few oni concerning it. I very nearly killed the last one..."

Inuyasha opened the case, his grin widening.

"Oh, whad'ya know? It ain't yours after all. The inscription is all wrong."

"You know it is mine, you have seen me with it a thousand times. And it is most improper to read what is written inside a private cigarette case."

He made a move to grab the case, but for once, Inuyasha was expecting it, and leapt onto the windowsill.

"Who cares if it's improper or not? A wise man once said that more than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read."

"I do not intend to sit here discussing modern culture with you. It is not a conversation one should have in private."

Sesshoumaru got ready to spring as he added,

"All I want is my cigarette case back."

Inuyasha hopped out the window and landed in a tree. Sesshoumaru almost frowned. Such a bother it was to try to catch something without killing it!

"Like I said, Fluffy, this ain't yours. This case is a present from somebody named Rin, and you said you didn't know anyone by that name."

With a practiced long-suffering sigh, the inuyoukai replied,

"If you must know, Rin is my aunt."

"Your aunt."

"Hai. Charming old inuyoukai she is, too...lives near Fujiyama. Now give me back my cigarette case, Inuyasha, before someone gets hurts."

Ignoring the threat, Inuyasha leapt over his head and landed on the opposite side of the room, with the futon between him and Sesshoumaru, as he taunted,

"If she's your aunt, then how come she calls herself little?"

Reading from the case, he said,

"From Rin-chan with her fondest love."

Stalking Inuyasha slowly, carefully and as discreetly as possible, Sesshoumaru moved across the room.

"Some aunts are tall, some are not. This Sesshoumaru believes that is a matter for the aunt to decide for herself."

"Fine, fine...But why the fuck would your aunt call you her uncle?"

Were it possible, Sesshoumaru would have paled as Inuyasha went on to read,

"From Rin-chan, with her fondest love to her dear oji-sama, Ken. I mean, sure, fine, some aunts are short, whatever. But no matter how short the bitch is, why in the hells would she call her nephew her uncle? 'Sides, your name ain't Ken, it's Sesshoumaru."

Defeated, the inuyoukai resumed his seat on the cushion and consoled himself with glaring murderously at the hanyou as he replied,

"It is not. It is Ken."

After a few moments of slack-jawed shock, Inuyasha began to rant,

"You've always told me it was Sesshoumaru! I've introduced you to everyone as Sesshoumaru, you answer to Sesshoumaru...You look like your name is Sesshoumaru. I mean fuck! You the most destructive looking guy I know!"

He dropped to the floor, adding grumpily,

"I don't who you think you're kidding, saying you're name ain't Sesshoumaru. Kami! It's on your fucking cards!"

Digging one out of the case, he read,

"Inukai Sesshoumaru, C3, The Shikon."

Waving the card, Inuyasha added fiercely,

"I'm keepin' this as proof that your name is Sesshoumaru if you ever try to deny it to me, to Kagome or to anybody else!"

So saying, he tucked the card into the bountiful folds of his gi. Rubbing his temples in an attempt to stave off the migraine he felt approaching, Sesshoumaru replied tersely,

"My name is Sesshoumaru in the city and Ken in the country, and the case was given to me in the country."

Inuyasha mulled over this confession for a minute or two and, deeming it a satisfactory explanation, countered,

"All right. But that still doesn't explain this whole Rin mess. Come on, Sesshou, out with it."

"You sound like a dentist. It is vulgar to talk as such when you are not a dentist. It gives a false impression of your character."

"That's what dentists do, ne?"

He grinned at the inuyoukai, baring his fangs, as he added,

"Before you tell me, I just want you to know that I've always suspected you to be a Narakuist, and I think you're about to prove me right."

"A Narakuist? What in the Seven Hells do you mean by a Narakuist?"

"I'll show you mine after you show me yours."

Oh, this was going to be a nasty migraine. Of course, Inuyasha-induced migraines tended to be particularly irritating, much like the cause himself...

"Very well. First, produce my cigarette case."

"Here ya go."

Inuyasha handed the thing over and leaned back against the wall, getting comfortable for what he hoped would be an interesting story, as he added,

"Now 'produce' your explanation, and try not to bore me."

"There is nothing particularly exciting about the tale, Inuyasha. It is actually rather ordinary."

Sesshoumaru tucked the cigarette case into a hidden pocket in his sashinuki and explained,

"Old Toutousai, who adopted me when I was just a pup, made me in his will guardian to his granddaughter, Kuramoto Rin. Rin, who addresses me as Oji-sama from motives of respect that you could never fathom, lives at my castle in the country under the charge of my former governess' daughter, Hirai Sango."

"Just where is this castle of yours, anyway?"

"Never you mind. You are not going there, under any circumstances...though I assure you it is not in Chugoku."

"Keh! I figured as much. I've Narakued all over Chugoku Prefecture twice."

He folded his arms inside his sleeves and added,

"So...why is it that you're Sesshoumaru in town and Ken in the country?"

"I doubt you will be able to comprehend my motives, Inuyasha, considering your less than serious nature."

Inuyasha opened his mouth to say something, undoubtedly something obscene, so Sesshoumaru held up a hand, not wishing to be subjected to the younger demon's foul mouth, and continued,

"When one is given a young ningen as a ward, one must adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects. Such an attitude is conducive to neither one's health or one's happiness, as you can well imagine."

The inuhanyou nodded, remembering the lecture he received from Kagome about his language in front of Shippou, the kitsune kit she had adopted from a war orphanage, and imagined having to be on his best behavior at all times. It was a frightening prospect.

"Therefore, in order to escape the monotony of country life and my responsibilities as a father figure, I have always pretended that I had a younger half-brother named Sesshoumaru, a hanyou who lives in the Shikon, who gets into all manner of trouble. And that, Inuyasha, is the whole truth, pure and simple."

"It'll be a cold day in the burning hells when the truth is pure or simple. Modern life would be a bore if it was, and I don't think they're be any new books written, either."

"That might not be such a bad thing."

The inuyoukai could not remember the last time he had read a modern work that did not make him want to find the author or authoress and rend him or her into tiny, bloody pieces for daring to insult his intelligence with their ludicrous plots and even worse dialogue...Though there was a fellow from some rainy island nation, some years back, who he had never wanted to kill. If only Sesshoumaru could remember his name...

"Keh! Just leave the literary critique to the assholes who write in the paper every day. I think getting a college degree precludes you from doin' it right..."

Much better to nip that conversation in the bud before Sesshou—iie, Ken—Fuck! He just doesn't look like a Ken. What in the hells am I gonna call him now? His cute ears twitched as he announced,

"What you are is a Narakuist. I knew I was right about you. You're actually one of the most advanced Narakuists I know."

"I have explained myself to you, Inuyasha, now I think it best if you were to explain this Narakuism to me."

"I guess I do kinda owe ya, ne?"

Inuyasha shifted a bit on his cushion, one fist on his knee while the other fist came up as a chin rest.

"You've made up this younger brother Sesshoumaru so that you can come to Kyoto whenever you want. I've created this shadowy villain guy called Naraku so that I can leave Kyoto whenever I want."

Sesshoumaru arched an eyebrow as the hanyou added,

"Naraku is the best. I mean, if wasn't for him planning on taking over the world, I wouldn't be able to have dinner with you at Youjakai's, 'cuz I told Aunt Kikyou I'd eat at her place last week."

"This Sesshoumaru has not invited you to have dinner with me anywhere."

"I know. You're bad about invitations. Nothin' annoys people as much as not getting an invitation...well, 'cept maybe cowards, groveling toads or guys who wear baboon pelts."

"You should dine with Kikyou-sama."

"Like Hell! I ate there on Monday, and once a week is too often to eat with relatives if ya ask me. 'Sides, whenever I eat there, I either get stuck with Uncle Suikotsu or worse, with Uncle Jakotsu...Or I have ta sit next to Lady Kanna and watch her flirt with Uncle Bankotsu across the table! Ugh! It's disgusting. Flirting with your mate in public is like...like washing your clean clothes in front of the whole town, or somethin'."

"Really Inuyasha, your gift for metaphor is mind-boggling."

"Anyway, now that I know you're a Narakuist, I wanna talk to ya 'bout it. There's rules, ya know."

Kon'nichi wa, migraine. Daijoubu desu ka?

Sesshoumaru barely managed to restrain a sigh.

"This—I am not a Narakuist."

"Oh yes you are!"

"If Kagome agrees to be my mate, then I am going to kill Sesshoumaru."

Considering this a moment, he nodded slowly and went on,

"Aa, I believe I will kill him anyway. Rin is far too interested in him. So I am going to kill Sesshoumaru. And I would advise you to do the same to...your villainous friend with the absurd name."

"Fuck no! I ain't gettin' rid of Naraku!"

Inuyasha's ears swiveled forward as he leapt to his feet, all but growling out,

"And if you do get mated, which is gonna be a headache, I'm sure, then you're gonna be real glad to know Naraku."

What did this whelp know about headaches? Absolute nothing. He was never subjected to himself.

"Nonsense. If I am mated to Kagome, who is the only bitch I have ever wanted to be mated to, I will not wish to know Naraku."

"Keh! Then Kagome will. Don't you realize that three's company and two's none?"

"You have been going to see foreign plays again, haven't you? I have told you a hundred times to avoid those French dramas."

"It ain't like the happy families 'round here are proving that theory wrong."

"Drop the cynicism, Inuyasha. It is far too easy to be cynical."

"Not these days. Everything is a competition."

They suffered another staring contest, which was interrupted by a rather severe chime sounding somewhere in the house. Inuyasha's ears flattened on his skull.

"That would be Aunt Kikyou. Only relatives or creditors ring in such a Wagnerian manner."

Kami-sama! The pup had heard of Wagner? Wait...he had dragged the lad to the opera. Sesshoumaru felt somewhat pleased by the knowledge that the gruff hanyou had actually retained some of the information gained at the opera. Shocked, naturally, but definitely pleased. Perhaps there was hope for Inuyasha yet.

"Listen, Sesshou, if I can get you a few minutes alone with Kagome so you can ask her to be your mate, can we go to Youjakai's for dinner tonight?"

"I suppose so, if you want to, Inuyasha."

"You'd better be serious. I hate it when people aren't serious about food..."

Myouga's tiny form sprang into the room, all four arms flailing as he chirped,

"Nigen-kou and Higurashi-dono."

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A full description of what constitutes a dôbuku sugata, along with other things, can be found here:

http // www . sengokudaimyo . com / garb / garb . html

The main site ( http // www . sengokudiamyo . com ) has links to other areas of interest, like the history of Japanese armor.

And here you'll find some information on the shinobue:

http // www . mejiro-jp . com / eng / eshinofaq . hmtl

Ah, poor Inu-kun, having to play a flute...Heh. Anyways, I picked the shinobue because that one is often used in local festivals, so it seemed like less of a stretch for Inuyasha to be familiar with it.