The Importance of Being Sesshoumaru
A Trivial Comedy for Serious People
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Cast:
Earnest Worthing: Inukai Sesshoumaru
Alergnon Moncrieff: Tsuruga Inuyasha
Gwendolyn Fairfax: Higurashi Kagome
Cecily Cardew: Kuramoto Rin
Dr. Chausible, the younger: Kaza Miroku
Dr. Chausible, the elder: Kaza Mushin
Ms. Prism, the younger: Hirai Sango
Mrs. Prism: Hirai Kaede
Gen. Moncrief: Lord Inutashio
Bunburry: Naraku
Lady Bracknell/Aunt Augusta: Nigen Kikyou
Lord Bracknell: Nigen Suikotsu
Merriman: Jaken
Lane: Myouga
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Disclaimer:
I own nothing herein, save the idea.
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ACT ONE
PART 2
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Myouga's tiny form sprang into the room, all four arms flailing as he chirped,
"Nigen-kou and Higurashi-dono."
Inuyasha moved forward to greet them, bowing a little awkwardly to Kikyou as she swept in, dressed in a layers of different shades of blue silk, her face almost as serene as Sesshoumaru's own as she said,
"Kon'nichi wa, Inuyasha. I trust you have been behaving yourself?"
"Er...I been...feelin' just fine, Aunt Kikyou."
"That is hardly the same thing, Inuyasha. Actually, the two things rarely go together..."
Now her grey eyes fell upon Sesshoumaru, standing like a statue somewhat behind Inuyasha, and she bowed stiffly.
"Inukai-san."
"Nigen-kou."
He returned the bow with grace as the hanyou now turned to the vision of loveliness clad in flattering shades of green.
"Damn, Kagome, you look beautiful."
Kagome's grey-blue eyes lit up at the compliment and she tossed her hair over her shoulder as she replied,
"Sofu-dono picks out my kimonos, so I always look beautiful. Wouldn't you agree, Inukai-san?"
"You are quite perfect."
Grey-blue met gold across the room and Inuyasha could have sworn his hair was standing on end from the electricity. Kagome blushed faintly and shook her head at Sesshoumaru.
"I hope I'm not perfect, Inukai-san, because that would leave no room for development, and I intend to develop in many directions."
"Indeed."
The inuyoukai forced his eyes to remain on the girl's face as he escorted her to the larger cushions in the corner, reminding himself that if she did indeed become his mate, there would be plenty of time to discover what lay beyond...
Kami-sama. That houshi and his lechery are starting to rub off on me.
Sesshoumaru and Kagome sat down together, her hand lingering on his arm a moment longer than was necessary to simply steady herself. She smiled up at him and whispered an "Arigatou," as Kikyou seated herself gracefully in front of the table, opposite Inuyasha, and explained,
"I'm sorry we're late, but I had to call on dear Lady Abi this afternoon. I hadn't been to see her since her mate died. It's amazing, really. She looks ten years younger."
Smoothing the folds of her kimono, she added,
"Now I would like a cup of tea and a few of those gyoza you promised me."
Inuyasha nodded and poured her tea, as she turned to Kagome and suggested sternly,
"Won't you sit here, Kagome?"
"Arigatou, Sofu-dono, but I'm quite comfortable where I am."
She beamed at her mother, as Kikyou's attention was diverted by Inuyasha staring in horror at the empty plate where the gyoza had been and growling,
"Holy — Myouga! Why aren't there any gyoza for Kikyou-sama? I ordered them specially!"
Myouga hopped onto his young lord's shoulder and replied gravely,
"There were no scallions in the market today. I went down twice, wagakimi."
"No scallions?"
"Iie, not even for ready money."
"I see...Arigatou, Myouga."
The flea bowed and hopped away, as Inuyasha set the empty dish down with a frown.
"I'm sorry, Aunt Kikyou, that there weren't any scallions, not even for ready money."
Kikyou waved his excuse a side with a slender hand and sipped her tea.
"It doesn't matter, Inuyasha. I had mochi and dim sum with Lady Abi...she, apparently, is living only for pleasure now."
"Did her hair really turn gold from grief?"
"It has certainly changed its color, but the cause is unknown."
She and Inuyasha exchanged a look, and the hanyou grinned broadly.
Grief, my ass.
Kikyou closed her eyes and sipped her tea, lowering her cup to say,
"Now Inuyasha, about dinner tonight..."
The inuhanyou winced and sighed, his ears twitching as he began,
"Hai, about that...I'm sorry, Aunt Kikyou, but..."
His eyes darted to Sesshoumaru, catching the older youkai's attention, before his golden gaze returned to his aunt and he finished,
"Naraku is at it again, and since only Tetsusaiga can beat him..."
Sighing, Kikyou frowned at her nephew and responded,
"I believe it is high time this Naraku fellow made up his mind as to whether he wishes to take over the world or simply skulk about in the shadows and threaten to do so. This skirting the issue is ridiculous. So if you would please ask Naraku-san, as a personal favor to me, not to attack any villages this coming Saturday, as I am relying on you to plan the entertainment for my reception."
She drank her tea thoughtfully, adding after a moment,
"It is my last reception, and I want it to encourage conversation. It's vital, at the end of the season, when most have already said whatever it is they have to say, which unfortunately in most cases, is not much."
"I'm sure he'll be holed up in an abandoned castle, brooding, in a week."
He gulped down his own tea, his ears twitching a few times as he listened to the soft voices in the corner of the room and decided that before it either got mushier or downright pornographic, he had to get Kikyou out of there.
"Anyway, I've got some ideas, but I'd like you to look over them. I've got my stuff all laid out in the music room..."
"Such a thoughtful nephew."
She took the clawed hand he offered her, and began to follow the hanyou into the next room, saying over her shoulder,
"Kagome, this way, child."
"Mochiron, Sofu-dono."
Kagome, naturally, made no move to follow her mother, and as Kikyou and Inuyasha disappeared down the hall, Sesshoumaru straightened and remarked casually,
"Kyoto is beautiful this time of year."
"Onegai, don't talk to me about that..."
Shining pools of Ceylon blue met his molten gold ones, as Kagome continued quietly,
"I always get the feeling that when people talk about the weather, or the seasons, they really want to talk about something else. And that makes me really nervous."
"This Sesshoumaru does wish to speak of something else."
"I thought so. I'm usually right about things like that."
She smiled a little at him, trying to ignore the butterflies practicing intricate katas in her stomach. It was always the same around him.
Whether it was the piercing gold of his eyes or the velvety richness of his voice, the way he so subtly yet so undeniably commanded both one's attention and one's obedience, or if it was simply because he was arguably the single most beautiful male, of any species, that she had ever seen, she wasn't sure.
But honestly, she was not too terribly concerned about the why when the who was so close.
Kagome's cheeks flushed a soft pink and she worried her bottom lip with her teeth, as Sesshoumaru strove to think only of what he had to say, and not what he wished to do to those lips.
"I would like to take advantage of your okaasan's temporary absence."
"I'd suggest that you do, Inukai-san. She has a habit of reentering a room silently and quite suddenly. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she never listens."
At last given the opportunity that he had so desired, Sesshoumaru suddenly found himself somewhat at a loss. Feelings were not something he admitted to having, let alone discussed.
How the devil am I to do this?
"Kagome, I have never...admired a bi—we—young lady as I...admire you."
"I know."
She set her tea cup aside and shifted slightly so that she was more or less facing him, and continued,
"I wish you'd be more demonstrative of it in public."
Oh I'll give you demonstrative, you tasty little vixen.
One of her hands slipped inside one of his far larger, clawed hands as she went on,
"You've always been so irresistibly fascinating to me, even before I'd actually met you."
At this Sesshoumaru allowed a bit of amazement to seep into his expression. Whatever did she mean? He did not wonder long.
"We live, as I'm sure you know, in an age of ideals, and it has always been an ideal of mine to love someone by the name of Sesshoumaru. So when Inuyasha mentioned to me that he had a good friend named Sesshoumaru, I knew I would fall in love with you. It was destiny."
"You mean to say that you love this Sesshoumaru?"
"Wildly, passionately and..."
Kagome sank into those liquid pools of golden fire that masqueraded as his eyes and breathed,
"Hopelessly."
"You have made this Sesshoumaru...happy."
There! He said it and did not melt, turn to stone or die in some other shameful manner. Amazing! Kagome's hand lightly squeezed his as she cooed,
"Watashi no ai...watashi no Sesshoumaru."
He had been on the verge of smiling, his gaze having shifted from her angelic face to the alluring arch of her as yet unmarked throat, when reality slapped him across the face.
"Kagome, do you mean to tell me that you would not love me if my name was not Sesshoumaru?"
"But your name is Sesshoumaru."
"Aa, it is, demo...what if it was not? Would you not love me?"
"Oh, you mean metaphysically!"
Hai, mochiron, whatever you say...may I bite you now?
He ran his tongue over his fangs, wondering how much the girl before him knew of youkai traditions, as she babbled cutely,
"Metaphysical speculation has very little to do with real life, as we know it, so what does it matter?"
"Except in this case, I was not speaking hypothetically, per se. I sometimes wonder if the name Sesshoumaru truly suits me."
"It suits you perfectly, koi. It's a divinely dangerous name. Sesshoumaru...it rolls off the tongue. It has a music all its own, it...it produces vibrations."
She shivered almost sensually, and Sesshoumaru found himself picturing her saying his name under very different circumstances.
Kuso! I've got to stop listening to that blasted monk.
Shelving that delicious visual for later, perhaps when his little beloved was in heat...which by the scent of things, would be sooner rather than later, the inuyoukai's blank mask returned and he replied,
"Kagome, we must be mated at once."
The name issue could be dealt with easily. He just needed to kill the witnesses on his adoption certificate and have a new one drawn up. Yes, it was all falling so neatly into—
"Mated?"
Her voice held such incredulity that Sesshoumaru was taken slightly by surprise.
"You know this Sesshoumaru's intentions, and you have stated yourself that you are not indifferent to me."
"Far from, Sesshoumaru-kun, but you haven't actually asked me to be your mate yet."
Ah...he knew he'd forgotten something.
"Then I shall ask you now."
He slid with fluid grace to the floor in front of her, on one knee, and placed his hands on her shoulders, as she assured him,
"Just so you know, I have every intention of accepting you."
"Remind me again why it is therefore necessary for this Sesshoumaru to ask?"
"Because it's customary."
"Hmm. Very well, then."
Clawed thumbs slowly peeled back the layers of silk protecting the joining of her neck and shoulders as the inuyoukai asked solemnly,
"Kagome, will you do this Sesshoumaru the honor of becoming his mate?"
"Mochiron!"
Sesshoumaru smiled, fangs gleaming in the waning light, and lowered his mouth to her exposed shoulder. Kagome obediently tipped her head to the side as he grazed her flesh with his fangs, depositing just enough venom to turn the four red lines on her white skin purple. The color of the marks, and the faint scent of wisteria, would serve as a warning to all other males that she was his intended mate. He laved the scratches with his tongue, as Kagome stifled a moan to whisper breathlessly,
"It took you long enough to ask. You haven't had much practice at this, have you?"
"I have no desire to have any other bi—we—young lady as my mate."
He withdrew from her most reluctantly, as she touched his cheek with her hand and replied with a smile,
"Lots of men propose for practice. I know my brother Souta does...all my girlfriends tell me so."
Her soft fingers moved to trace his eyebrow as she added,
"Your eyes are quite, quite golden. I hope you'll always look at me like that, Sesshou-kun, especially when there are other people around."
A man, youkai or otherwise, can only take so much in one afternoon before something snaps. And so he was about to lean in and steal a kiss from a not particularly unwilling Kagome, when he heard something he was loathe to acknowledge.
"Inukai-san! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous."
Sesshoumaru tried to turn, to stand, to do anything, but Kagome's little hands settled quite firmly on his shoulders, and there was some kind of foreign energy flowing out of her body into his that seemed determined to keep him where he was. Her aura was flaring and Sesshoumaru came to the sudden realization that his little ningen was perhaps not an ordinary ningen, if she was ningen at all. Inuyasha's babbling about the living guardian of the Shikon no Tama was starting to make sense…
With a fierce glitter in her grey-blue eyes, Kagome addressed her mother,
"Kaa-san, you really need to stop sneaking up on people like that. You never know what you're going to see."
"And just what is it that I'm seeing now?"
Kagome turned her head so that her mother could see the marks on her shoulder and replied calmly,
"Inukai-san has stated an intent to claim me as his mate, and I have accepted him."
Steeling herself against the anger rising within, Kikyou countered with equal reserve,
"Marriage – or in this case, mating – is hardly something a girl should arrange for herself. It should come as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant as the case may be, and when the day comes that you are chosen, either your father or I will inform you of the fact."
"KAA-san!"
She shot to her feet, fists clenched at her sides, and Sesshoumaru rose beside her, observing the orchid-hued energy rippling around her tantalizingly curvaceous body.
When did it get so stuffy in here?
Kikyou eyed her irate daughter warily, as though expecting her to explode at any moment, and said,
"I have a few questions for Inukai-san, Kagome. Onegai, wait for me in the carriage."
"But I don't want to wait in the carriage."
"Do you want Inuyasha to carry you down there like a sack of rice?"
Seething, but not about to call her mother's bluff, as she knew it was not a bluff, Kagome stomped to the door...and loitered there for several moments, blowing kisses to Sesshoumaru. This did not escape Kikyou's attention, however.
"Kagome, the carriage!"
"Ugh! FINE!"
With a flourish and rustle of heavy silk, Kagome departed, but not without one long, last look at Sesshoumaru, who determined he would need a very cold bath, very soon.
"Onegai, Inukai-san, sit down."
"I prefer to stand."
Kikyou glared up at the impassive inuyoukai as she settled onto a cushion and took out a tiny scroll and a pencil from the silk bag hanging from a delicate cord around her wrist.
"I must admit, you're not on my list of potential husbands for Kagome, though I have the same list as Kagura-kou. We work together, you see. I'm quite willing to enter your name, however, should you answer the following questions satisfactorily."
Why am I putting up with this insufferable ningen's ridiculous questions?
Oh right...because he wanted to bed Kagome. Right. Of course. Ask away, bitch.
"Do you smoke?"
"I do."
"Good. Everyone needs an occupation. I see far too many idle young men in Kyoto these days, my dear nephew included."
Should I tell her what my real occupation is?
He studied the pale ningen scribbling on her little scroll, and almost smirked. Let her toil away in ignorance. No need for her to know he dealt in death.
"How old are you?"
Sesshoumaru arched an eyebrow at this question, and Kikyou, glancing up at him, nodded curtly.
"Never mind that. I have always believed that upon entering a state of union, one should either know everything or nothing at all. To that end, I have seen to it that Kagome knows nothing. Which do you know?"
It was tempting to smile, just to see what her reaction would be, but he opted for a cold stare and emphasizing the word unnecessarily.
"Everything."
Of course he knows everything. He must be at least a hundred years old! The former miko took note of his reply, her hand shaking a tad more than she would have liked at his tone, and asked,"What is your yearly income?"
"Between ninety and a hundred thousand."
Staving off a fit of giddiness by focusing on her penmanship, she now inquired,
"In land or investments?"
Hmm...how to dance around this one? Making a mental note to look up the word investment to back up the semantic hair he was about to split, he replied smoothly,"Investments, chiefly. I do own quite a bit of land, though..."
Almost the entire Saigoku, to be precise...thanks in part to your baka nephew's gambling.
"A castle in Kanto, and a few modest holdings in Tohoku and Chubu."
"A castle in the country? I'll need the specifications of the castle, of course, but you can provide those at a later date."
Surely there had to be a flaw in this seemingly perfect man. Otherwise, she'd be marrying her precious Kagome off to a cold-hearted inuyoukai!
"You have a home in Kyoto, I trust? You could hardly expect a city girl like Kagome to live in the middle of nowhere."
"This Sesshoumaru does, indeed, have a home within the city walls. However, I have lent it for the year to Lady Tsubaki."
"Lady Tsubaki...hmm, I don't believe I know her."
"She is quite old, and does not get out often."
"Just because someone is old does not mean they are respectable, Inukai-san. Now where is this house of yours that you have so kindly lent to an old woman?"
Willing the poison to stop flowing into his claws lest he be tempted to use it, he replied offhandedly,
"Near the Rashomon Gate."
"The unfashionable sector. I was afraid of that. Well, that can easily be changed."
"The sector, or the fashion?"
"Both."
They locked into a staring contest, and Sesshoumaru wondered if Inuyasha inherited his stubbornness from the ningen women in his family...
Kikyou frowned slightly and broke eye contact to ponder her scroll. As a youkai, Sesshoumaru was more than likely not interested in politics, at least not of the sort she understood, so she skipped that question and moved on to the next.
"Are your parents living?"
Every obscenity he had ever heard flashed through his mind, before he answered carefully,
"I have...lost both my parents."
"Honestly, Inukai-san, to lose one parent is seen as a tragedy, but to lose both...that smacks of carelessness."
You have no idea.
"Who was your father?"
Now, there was a multitude of possible stalling tactics that most ordinary men would have attempted at this point, but Sesshoumaru was not an ordinary man, and he saw no reason to forestall the inevitable. There was no obstacle he could not overcome, no matter how formidable. Therefore, he replied quite honestly,
"I do not know. I was adopted."
"Adopted?"
"Hai, by Uchimonoshi Toutousai. He discovered me as a pup, and gave me the name of Inukai because I was, obviously, an inuyoukai."
"And just where did this gentleman discover you?"
"In the forest near his forge, along with a sword."
"A sword?"
"Hai, a rather ordinary morohanotsurugi, with a crimson-wrapped tsuka and a gold tsuba, with a small tassel."
Relief washed over Kikyou. An orphaned and possibly illegitimate youkai, no matter how strong or wealthy, was certainly not a suitable match for her daughter, the immortal Guardian of the Shikon no Tama! She returned the scroll and pencil to her purse and schooled her features into a stern mask as she replied,
"Inukai-san, I must say that I am...dismayed by what you have just told me. To be born or at any rate bred in a volcano...well it simply will not do. It flies in the face of decency, and shows no respect whatsoever for the sanctity of family life."
"Then what would you suggest I do?"
Their eyes met again, and both recognized that the other was not going to give up so easily, not without a fight. Kikyou sighed and rose, irritated that he was still so much taller than she, as she answered,
"Try to find some relatives, Inukai-san, before the season is over."
Damnable woman. How could a cold bitch like Kikyou have ever given birth to a warm-blooded minx like Kagome? It had to be Suikotsu...he had to be more normal than his wife. Eyes slightly narrowed, Sesshoumaru inclined his head in recognition of her absurd suggestion.
"So be it."
"Good day, Inukai-san."
"Good day, Nigen-kou."
She swept out, just as she had entered, and no sooner had her shadow faded than the most odious sounds began wafting out of the music room.
A western wedding march!
"Inuyasha…!"
The hanyou stuck his head in the room, blinking confusedly at the furious inuyoukai, and asked hesitantly,
"Ano...she turned you down! Fuck...I figured you had a shot. I mean, she turns Kouga down all the time, but—"
"Iie, Kagome accepted me. As far as she is concerned, we are to be mates. Her mother, however..."
A little poison fell on the floor from his flexing claws as he snarled,
"She is an oni, a monster without being a myth, which, were it anyone else, I should think it unfair, but that bitch...she deserves such a fate."
His eyes darted over to the smirking Inuyasha and he added in a calmer tone,
"I should not speak of your relatives in such a way. It is disrespectful."
"Keh! The only way I'm able to put up with my family is by hearing other people bad-mouth 'em."
He sauntered into the room and fixed himself a bowl of oden.
"Look, Sesshou, family is just a pack of really annoying people who don't have a fuckin' clue about how to live, or when to fuckin' die."
"Hmph."
"You disagree?"
"I did not say that."
Inuyasha narrowed an eye at him, remarking,
"Iie, but you didn't say you agreed, either."
"I am not going to argue with you about this, Inuyasha. You always want to argue about things."
"That's what things're for, baka."
Ah, here it comes. The migraine from hell returneth!
Sesshoumaru put a hand to his throbbing temple.
"If I thought that, I would commit seppuku."
"Keh!"
While Inuyasha scarfed down his oden, a thought as disturbing as that sight entered Sesshoumaru's mind, and he queried,
"Kagome will not become like Kikyou in about...five hundred years, will she?"
"All bitches turn into their mothers, that's their curse. No man does, that's his."
Ignoring the death glare the inuyoukai was sending him, the hanyou flopped down on a cushion and asked as innocently as he could,
"So...did you tell Kagome the truth about you're being Sesshoumaru in town and Ken in the country?"
"The truth is not something one tells a sweet, delicate little filly like Kagome, Inuyasha. Don't you know anything about how to behave around bitches?"
"'Course I do. Ya snog with the pretty ones and ya get the ugly ones to introduce you to their pretty friends so you can snog with 'em."
To this, the stoic inuyoukai could not conjure a reply.
Snog? What in the Seven Hells is he talking about?
"What're you gonna do about your little brother?"
"I am going to kill him. He will die in Hong Kong...of...a dark miko curse. Or perhaps he will simply fall in battle. Aa, that seems more like him."
"What about Kuramoto-san? Ain't she gonna be sad if you kill him off like that?"
Sesshoumaru turned a patronizing gaze on the younger demon. Really, the whelp was just so...stupid.
"She will get over it. Rin is not a silly, flighty ningen, thankfully. She has a healthy appetite, loves the outdoors and pays no attention whatsoever to her tutor."
"I wouldn't mind meeting Rin."
"Indeed. Well you are not going to meet her. She is excessively pretty and only just sixteen."
"Have you told Kagome that you have a young hottie for a ward?"
Ignoring, for the moment, the hanyou's odd vocabulary, Sesshoumaru responded flatly,
"Inuyasha, one does not simply blurt these things out to people. Besides, I feel certain Rin and Kagome will get along marvelously well. They will probably be calling each other sister five minutes after they meet."
"Keh! Bitches only do that after they've called each other a lot of other shit first."
Before the inuyoukai could say anything back, Myouga reappeared, announcing the return of Kagome. Inuyasha blinked a few times and groused,
"Oi! What the fuck're you doin' back here, bitch?"
"Inuyasha...Osuwari."
SLAM. The hanyou became intimately acquainted with the rug, thanks to a rosary Kagome had put on him whilst practicing her miko spells when they were children that she had just...never really felt like removing. Being able to face-plant Inuyasha at will was simply too tempting.
While the hanyou muttered his obscenities into the wool, Kagome rushed into Sesshoumaru's arms, clinging to his white kimono as though her life depended on it.
"Oh Sesshou-kun! Sofu-dono told me your romantic origin story, thinking I wouldn't want you any more, but she was wrong. You're even more mysterious now, and I'm even more devoted to you than before!"
To the Hells with propriety. Claiming her trembling lips, Sesshoumaru poured as much passion as he could into the kiss without becoming so ferocious as to warrant stripping her and taking her that instant, in front of Inuyasha.
"What the fu—"
"Mmm...Osuwari."
SLAM. With Inuyasha once again firmly embedded in the floor, Kagome pulled a scrap of paper from her purse and said urgently,
"We might have to do something drastic...like elope or—"
"Mate fiercely when you're in heat so your mother has no choice but to allow you to marry the father of your pups."
"Hai, something like that."
She was so intent on finding her pencil that she did not seem to have heard him—
Or else she's thinking along the same lines.
Either way was fine with him. Her slightly swollen lips curved into a smile as she latched onto the elusive pencil and she set the paper on his muscled chest as she asked,
"I have your address at the Shikon, but what's your address in the country?"
"Ginhakushoku Castle, Saigoku, in the Kanto Prefecture."
Kagome nodded, nibbling her lip again, as she reread the address, then lifted her face to his and purred,
"How long are you going to be in town?"
"Until Monday."
"Hmm..."
The magnetic pull of her lips was not a force to be denied, though clearly this was not something Inuyasha understood.
"Oi! Break it up, you two! This ain't a teahouse!"
Relinquishing his hold on Kagome —and her delectable mouth— Sesshoumaru took a step back from her.
"He is right. You had best go, before your mother comes looking for you."
"Walk me down?"
"Mochiron."
He offered her his arm and she accepted, and they floated out of the room, leaving a grinning inuhanyou and his confused servant. Myouga, peering down at the floor from his perch on his master's shoulder, asked in a hush,
"Inuyasha-kou, what did you carve into the floor?"
"Nuthin'."
He kicked a cushion over the scratches, scratches that to Myouga's eyes looked suspiciously like Kanji...
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A morohanotsurugi is a somewhat large, double-edged Japanese sword that predates the katana.