The Importance of Being Sesshoumaru

A Trivial Comedy for Serious People

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Cast:

Earnest Worthing: Inukai Sesshoumaru

Alergnon Moncrieff: Tsuruga Inuyasha

Gwendolyn Fairfax: Higurashi Kagome

Cecily Cardew: Kuramoto Rin

Dr. Chausible, the younger: Kaza Miroku

Dr. Chausible, the elder: Kaza Mushin

Ms. Prism, the younger: Hirai Sango

Mrs. Prism: Hirai Kaede

Gen. Moncrief: Lord Inutashio

Bunburry: Naraku

Lady Bracknell/Aunt Augusta: Nigen Kikyou

Lord Bracknell: Nigen Suikotsu

Merriman: Jaken

Lane: Myouga

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Disclaimer:

I own nothing herein, save the idea.

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ACT TWO

Part 1

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In a meticulously kept garden beneath the shade of a phoenix tree, just beyond the shining white stone steps leading into a massive castle, stood a table littered with scrolls. A young woman with long chestnut-colored hair and honey-brown eyes, attired in shades of pink and violet sat beside this table, polishing a boomerang easily half a head taller than she, while a small nekomata slept in the soft grass at her feet. Behind her, a teenaged girl dressed in soft yellow flitted about the flowerbeds with a basket and a pair of sheers.

Without even looking up from her boomerang, the young woman called out to the girl,

"Rin-chan, you know Inukai-san doesn't like it when you cut all the flowers."

"But they're so pretty, Sango-onee-chan!"

"Hai, I agree, they are very pretty, when they are growing in the ground where they belong, or when a small handful of them are arranged according to the rules of ikebana."

"But...Sango-onee-chan...I can't pick just a few!"

Rin spun around, her basket all but overflowing, and added rather seriously,

"I don't want the others to feel left out."

Sango sighed a little resignedly and shook her head. The kamui themselves could not dissuade Rin from her flower-picking obsession.

"Very well. We'll go over your English lesson while you arrange them."

Dragging her feet as much as possible, given that geta sandals do not drag very well over grass, Rin approached the table.

"Mou...I don't like English any more, Sango-onee-chan. I saw myself in the koi pond yesterday after my English lesson and I looked so plain!"

"You know how important it is to Inukai-san that you learn English. He made a particular point of stressing that before he went to town..."

Sango's brow furrowed softly and she remarked, mostly to herself,

"Actually, he always makes a point of stressing that before he goes to town."

"Do you think...Ken-sama wants me to be plain!"

At her feet, the nekomata let out a chirping meow, as if wishing to be a part pf the conversation, and both young ningen laughed a little at the sheer cuteness of it.

"Sango-onee-chan, I wish Oji-sama would laugh with us."

"Your guardian—"

And here she stopped herself, unable to bring herself to say what she knew she ought. Instead she leaned over the table and said gravely,

"If he ever does, Rin-chan, run. Run and don't look back. That will be a sure sign that he's lost his mind and I don't want you to see me exterminate him."

Rin regarded her tutor with wide, questioning eyes, then suddenly burst into peals of happy giggles.

"Mou, Sango-onee-chan! I thought you were serious!"

Sango slapped her forehead in an attempt to keep the vein above her eyebrow from throbbing. Or at least, to keep her charge from noticing. While she was distracted and from behind the camouflage offered by her flowers, Rin slipped out her diary and started writing. Once Sango had her frustrated twitches under control, she looked up to see Rin lost in whatever it was she poured into her diary. Never the sort of woman to indulge in such things, she remarked,

"Honestly, Rin-chan, I don't see why you keep a diary."

With dramatic flair, Rin replied,

"I keep a diary to record the marvelous secrets of my life. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd forget them all."

"I chose to allow my memory to serve as my diary."

Sango offered, to which Rin countered,

"But people always seem to remember things that didn't happen, and couldn't possibly have happened. I'm convinced that memory is responsible for the Tale of Genji and all those other silly romances. Especially the ones that mysterious Furyou-san writes."

A sudden fit of embarrassed coughing stifled whatever response Sango might have made, and Rin saw her chance for an afternoon of freedom from study in the form of one very handsome, equally lecherous young monk.

"Ah, Kaza-san! How good to see you."

Said handsome, lecherous young monk smiled with all the benevolence of Buddha himself and replied,

"Kuramoto-san, it is always an honor to be in your presence. And may I say that you are looking especially beautiful today?"

Rin blushed and looked down shyly, and so missed the flames erupting in her tutor's eyes.

"Kaza-san, you are too kind."

Faster than the human eye could follow, the monk had her hands in his and a very solemn expression on his face.

"Kuramoto-san, there is something I must ask you..."

With equal speed, the boomerang Sango had so lovingly been polishing contacted his head with a thunk.

"Houshi-sama...!"

"Ah, my dear Sango, I was just—"

"Going to suggest that you two work out your differences over a nice walk through the garden, ne, Kaza-san?"

Offered Rin with a deceptively innocent expression. Sango flushed crimson and was about to protest when the girl added contritely,

"After all, you're not going to be able to teach me a thing today. I just can't seem to pay attention."

"Is that so, Kuramoto-san?"

"I'm afraid so, Kaza-san."

The monk allowed his indigo gaze wander to the vision of lethal beauty that was his Sango and heaved a melodramatic sigh.

"Such a pity! Were I so fortunate as to have Hirai-san as a teacher, I would worship her every curv—ah, word."

With a sad smile and the jingle of his shakujo, Kaza-san bowed and started to leave.

"But as Hirai-san does not seem interested in walking with me, I will—"

"Chotto matte, Kaza-san, onegai."

Sango surprised everyone except the wise nekomata now perched on her shoulder by slinging her boomerang over her other shoulder and hurrying to catch up with him. He waited, eyebrows softly arched, as she stopped at his side and, without meeting his gaze, practically whispered,

"I would...very much like to walk with you a while...provided you behave yourself."

"Mou, have you no faith in me at all, Sango-chan?"

She glared up at him then and he chuckled nervously.

Ah, she still hasn't forgotten that obi incident...

"I give you my word, Hirai-san, I will do nothing you do not wish me to do."

The instant she nodded her assent and he gave her his most beatific smile, Sango knew he was up to something. Kaza Miroku only smiled in such a saintly way when he was contemplating breaking one of the tenets of his faith.

But he gave me his word. Surely he would not—

And then she realized to what he had sworn.

"I will do nothing you do not wish me to do."

Her cheeks flushed as she looked up into those soulful if deceitful indigo eyes and was forced to admit that he was good. Very good. He had at once reassured her that she would be safe with him and given himself a reasonable excuse for groping her.

As they left the clearing and Rin behind and entered the garden proper, Sango wondered why she had been cursed to fall in love with a monk cursed with wandering hands.

Rin, in the meantime, had waited until her tutor and her suitor, as she liked to call them, had disappeared before she gave in to an urge she had long tried to suppress. With wicked glee, she gathered up the scrolls and little bound books, and all the other learning materials, and threw them into the air.

"Horrid Etiquette! Horrid Art History! Horrid, horrid, cuteness-negating English!"

She sighed, a smile of utter contentment spreading over her pretty face, and she snatched up her diary and flowers, intending to hide for a while by the koi pond so that she might write undisturbed, but a horrified gurgle made her turn around. Jaken, her guardian's faithful but grating servant stood, eyes wider than usual, staring at the mess she'd made.

"Rin! You stupid ningen! What have you done!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Jaken-san, but—the—wind was just too strong. I couldn't keep the papers from flying away."

Rin lied apologetically, having forgotten that the poor imp would be responsible for cleaning up the mess she had made. She set her diary aside and bent down to start retrieving the scattered scrolls but Jaken, thinking himself a daft old toad for his sentimentality, shooed her away.

"Never mind, girl. I'll see to it. You have a visitor."

"I do?"

"Well, not really you, but you're the only one here, so...hai."

He unceremoniously shoved a small white card at her and started collecting the scrolls and other things from the grass while Rin walked, entranced, towards the stairs.

"Inukai Sesshoumaru, C3, The Shikon...Oji-sama's brother!"

She whirled round to face Jaken, eyes wide and heart pounding. Finally, she would meet her guardian's mysterious brother!

"Did you tell him that Ken-sama is in Kyoto?"

"Hai, and he seemed rather disappointed...and rude...the hanyou brat!"

Muttered Jaken, adding a bit louder,

"He asked to speak with you, Rin."

"Me?"

"Hai, foolish girl! Isn't that what I said?"

How he needed a vacation! Jaken took a few calming breaths and said,

"I left him in the Western sitting room."

"I'll just go and see him, then."

She replied brightly, and Jaken forgot to be curmudgeonly for a moment as he regarded her. Such an impish smile, and so full of joy.

If only she wasn't such a stupid, annoying little ningen.

"Oh and Jaken-san? Sesshoumaru-san will need a room. Onegai, talk to Yura about that."

"Fine, fine, whatever...silly child."

Rin practically skipped up the stairs and through the castle, only pausing when she reached the shoji leading to the Western sitting room. She had longed to meet Sesshoumaru ever since her guardian had mentioned him, for he seemed such a romantic figure, always getting into trouble, having to fight his way out of one dire situation after another...But now that she was a few feet away from him, she was starting to worry.

What if he looks like every other inuyoukai?

Well, at least she would have another head of silky white hair to braid.

Opening the door with determination, she stepped into the room and her eyes fell upon a head of silver hair and the most adorable set of white dog ears she had ever seen.

He doesn't!

Urged forward by the magnetic attraction between those fuzzy ears and her own fingers, she was nearing her goal when one ear flicked in her direction and he turned to face her. She froze, arms still raised, and just stared.

He was so...pretty. His eyes were the same molten gold as her guardian's, and for just a moment they seemed warm and almost soft before they hardened and he said gruffly,

"So you're Rin-chan."

Her rosy lips twisted into a pout and she retorted,

"I'm not little!"

His brows furrowed and he snapped back,

"Yeah you are!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"I AM NOT LITTLE!"

Those cute ears of his flattened on his skull and he winced a bit before he folded his arms and smirked at her.

"Keh. Whatever."

"Anyway, you must be my wicked cousin Sesshoumaru-san."

"Look, I don't know what my aniki-sama has been tellin' you, but I ain't wicked."

Rin deflated like a popped balloon. She had so hoping he would be naughty, not like that simpering Houjou and the other boys her guardian seemed to favor. They were so boring! Fixing him with a calculating glare, she replied,

"Well, if you're not, then you're a liar...pretending to be bad when you're really a goody-two-shoes. That would be awfully hypocritical of you."

Inuyasha scratched the back of his head, wondering how he managed to get himself into situations like this.

"Well, I'm pretty reckless and brash...and I never think before I do anything..."

"I'm glad to hear it."

She smiled at him and Inuyasha, thanks to the resulting surge of testosterone, bragged,

"Come to think of it, I have been pretty bad."

"I don't think you should be quite so proud of it, but..."

Rin nibbled her lip and added softly,

"But it must've been a lot of fun."

"It was. There's nothin' quite like a good brawl to get the blood flowin'."

His cheeks flushed nearly the same scarlet as his gi as he stammered,

"Though it's...kinda nice...bein' here with you."

"How is it that you're here at all? Oji-sama won't be home until Monday afternoon."

"That's a real shame. I gotta go back to Kyoto Monday morning."

Inuyasha was trying, really he was, to seem nonchalant but that had never really been his forte. And Rin was pretty, really she was, and she seemed to have no concept of personal space because she was close, really close and kami did she smell good!

His mind officially in Fantasy Snog Land, his mouth continued to press on.

"See, I've got this...business appointment that I really wanna...miss."

Damn. She had to go and lick her lips. His ears swiveled forward and he gave Rin his undivided attention as she inquired,

"Couldn't you miss it somewhere other than Kyoto?"

"Huh? Ano...iie...the appointment is in Kyoto."

Meeting Tsujikaze Kouga to go gambling wasn't exactly what most people would call a business appointment, but a necessary part of Narakuing was stretching the truth, and Inuyasha was quite a stickler for the rules when it came to Narakuing.

"Well, I understand how important it is to skip business appointments, otherwise you lose the spontaneity of life, but still I think you should wait at least until Ken-sama returns. I know he wants to talk to you about your emigration."

"My WHAT!"

"Your emigration. He's gone up to buy your outfit."

Inuyasha grimaced.

"Oh fuck no Fluffy ain't buyin' my clothes! He dresses like a girl!"

"I don't think it will matter where you're going. He's sending you to America."

She explained a little sadly. Soon that horrible English language would dull his handsome face. It was almost more than she could bear.

"You gotta be shittin' me! I ain't goin' to America!"

He tucked his hands in his sleeves and folded his arms over his chest, striking his most obstinate posture as she told him,

"Last week, at dinner, Ken-sama said that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, or America. I tried to convince him that Canada was better, but he was quite decided about America."

"Not much of a fuckin' choice."

"I know. I'm sorry."

She laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and he relaxed almost instantly, the warmth of her touch soothing his taut muscles and the sweetness of her scent tickling his nostrils. No other girl had ever affected him in such a way, and he wondered if she knew how to make ramen. If she did, he might just have mate her.

"Maybe...maybe I'll just stay here."

He said quietly, allowing himself to lean towards her just a little as she reminded him with a smile,

"I don't think Ken-sama would appreciate that. You are wicked, after all."

"I'll just have to reform myself then."

Not that he was serious, but—

"Oh what a wonderfully gallant thing of you, Sesshoumaru-san!"

"Keh!"

His stomach decided to join in the conversation then and rumbled something fierce. Rin giggled behind her hand and said,

"My apologies, Sesshoumaru-san. You must be starving after your journey. I'll ring for Jaken to bring you something."

"And tell the little toad to hurry."

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Inuyasha leaned back against the tree, his stomach blissfully full. He felt so deliciously warm and lazy, sitting there in the grass with Rin, and so at ease. He watched her breathe in the perfumed air of the garden, watched the way her eyes sparkled with appreciation at the nature surrounding them, and wondered for the hundredth time since meeting her how she'd managed to turn out so normal with Sesshoumaru as her guardian.

"Oh, the peonies have started to bloom!"

She gushed, scampering over to a row of tree peonies growing along the shelter of a garden wall. There were burgundy ones and cream ones, pink ones and magenta ones...

"Here."

Rin turned to see a soft double pink bloom with hints of cream around the center being offered to her, and her gaze lifted to a pair of embarrassed, uncertain gold eyes before she accepted the flower and tucked it into her hair.

"Arigatou, Sesshoumaru-san."

"Tweren't nothin'."

He replied, cherry-cheeked once again.

"It just...kinda reminded me of you...all soft and...pretty and...it smells good, too."

Fighting a blush more severe than his, she grasped for words and again ended up babbling at him.

"Hirai-san says that being soft is a weakness, and that being pretty gets you into trouble, and smelling too good can get you into even more trouble."

"I don't care what this Hirai-san says, girls are supposed to be soft and pretty. 'Sides, I'd rather be in trouble than be bored to death."

"So would I..."

Inuyasha knew, on some level, that wandering off into the garden with an eager Rin was probably not one of his better ideas, but he also knew that opportunities such as this did not come every day, so he wandered off with her anyway.

No sooner had they vanished into the shadows than Hirai-san and Kaza-san returned. Surprisingly, he only had one handprint on his face, and she only looked a little disheveled.

"Houshi-sama...Do you ever plan on settling down?"

"Ah, my dear Sango, who would want to be tied to such an unworthy one as I?"

"You must realize what a temptation you are, houshi-sama...remaining unmarried for so long..."

Sango struggled to remain objective, to keep her face a mask of indifference, but damn that houshi and his gentle eyes! She always seemed to melt beneath that indigo gaze, so full of promises and forbidden pleasures.

And then there was his gloved hand resting on her backside, like it belonged there.

Slap!

Miroku rubbed his cheek and sighed.

"Mou, Sango-chan...are you saying I wouldn't be a temptation after I was married. That's rather harsh."

"Baka no houshi...Of course you would!"

She snapped, eyebrow twitching freely as she added in a steely voice,

"But if you were married, you wouldn't have to chase every kimono in the Saigoku, because you'd have someone at home waiting for you."

"Aa...but what if my wife tired of me?"

"I would never—"

Sango clapped both hands over her mouth and stared at the houshi in abject horror. Had she really—

Oh kami-sama. His eyes were twinkling and there was the faintest trace of a smug smile on his lips.

She really had said that out loud.

"Miao!"

"I agree, Kirara."

Purred the monk, taking advantage of Sango's temporary paralysis to take both her hands in his.

"It is indeed about time."

"M-miroku...?"

"Sango..."

"This is really not something I needed to see."

Three pairs of eyes darted to the white-clad inuyoukai standing like a marble statue not three feet from them, his usually blank features awash with disdain. Really, to be trysting in broad daylight, in his garden. What if Rin had seen them?

Miroku, accustomed to being caught in such a manner, recovered first. He plastered a smile on his face and said lightly,

"Maa, maa...Inukai-san, it's not what you think. I was merely—"

"Spare me, onegai."

He raised a hand and then, remembering he was supposed to be grieving, affected a sigh and added,

"I have had a trying afternoon."

"Oh, Inukai-san, has something happened?"

Sesshoumaru nodded solemnly to his ward's tutor and explained,

"My poor unfortunate half-brother Sesshoumaru has died."

"In battle?"

"Indeed."

Sango frowned. That fool Sesshoumaru. Even in peaceful times, when taijiya such as herself and her little brother had been forced to find other employment, he had refused to give up the ways of the sword.

"You know what they say. Live by the sword, die by the sword."

"Sango-chan, a little charity. The lad was young, brash..."

Miroku turned from her towards the inuyoukai and asked,

"Will he be buried here?"

"Iie. He apparently wished to be buried in Hong Kong."

"Honto ne?"

"I never did claim to understand how his mind worked."

Sesshoumaru replied coldly, wondering briefly why, whenever he thought of his imaginary half-brother, he pictured Inuyasha, before he shoved those thoughts aside and fixed his gaze on the houshi. Who had the good sense to take a step back.

"Kaza-san, do you christen?"

Before the monk could reply, Sango's eyes widened and she gasped,

"Iie! Inukai-san, your brother...he didn't...leave something behind...?"

"Iie. I merely asked because I f-f-f..."

Feel was not a word he could bring himself to say, at least not in such a context, so he opted for,

"This Ken wishes to be christened."

"Demo...haven't you been christened already."

"I have no idea. Toutousai was—"

Daft, senile, several bricks shy of a load—

"Uniquely forgetful, and therefore, I believe it would be wise for me to be christened, just in case."

"Ano...Oto-chan is better where those things are concerned...Could you come 'round at about five?"

"Aa."

"Then I will take my leave. Inukai-san."

Miroku bowed slightly then turned to Sango with a decidedly lecherous gleam in his eyes. Not wishing to see more, Sesshoumaru turned on his heel and was almost to enter the castle when Rin came hurtling towards him.

"Oji-sama!"

He caught her before she collided with his person but heightened youkai reflexes could not stop the flow of words from her rosy mouth.

"Oh you won't believe it, Oji-sama! It's too wonderful! Guess who's here! Just guess! Oh you'll never imagine, I know you won't!"

"Rin. Stop that."

She exhaled, counted to ten, and started over,

"Welcome home, Oji-sama. Your brother Sesshoumaru is here."

Heightened youkai reflexes did keep him from falling over at that, but only just.

"This Ken does not have a brother."

"Oji-sama, that's just mean. No matter how badly he's behaved, he's still your brother...half-brother at least."

Sesshoumaru stood, baffled beyond words, as his ward disengaged herself from him and started inside.

"And you will greet him kindly, Oji-sama, won't you? I know that you will!"

Miroku and Sango joined him then, to stare confusedly at her retreating form.

"I thought you said he was dead."

"Apparently a most grievous error has been made, Sango-chan."

"Indeed."