The Importance of Being Sesshoumaru
A Trivial Comedy for Serious People
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Cast:
Earnest Worthing: Inukai Sesshoumaru
Alergnon Moncrieff: Tsuruga Inuyasha
Gwendolyn Fairfax: Higurashi Kagome
Cecily Cardew: Kuramoto Rin
Dr. Chausible, the younger: Kaza Miroku
Dr. Chausible, the elder: Kaza Mushin
Ms. Prism, the younger: Hirai Sango
Mrs. Prism: Hirai Kaede
Gen. Moncrief: Lord Inutashio
Bunburry: Naraku
Lady Bracknell/Aunt Augusta: Nigen Kikyou
Lord Bracknell: Nigen Suikotsu
Merriman: Jaken
Lane: Myouga
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Disclaimer:
I own nothing herein, save the idea.
I have significantly changed this part, since there are some things I just can't imagine Inuyasha putting up with, even in such a wildly AU fic. I can only hope the tweaking works.
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ACT TWO
Part 2
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As he waited for Rin to reappear, Sesshoumaru struggled to make sense of what had just happened. He had returned home, having successfully "disposed" of his little brother, only to find that someone—
"Oi! You look like somebody died."
No, no, no, no, no! His mind screamed in outrage. Not him!
But of course it is he. No one else is so stupid as to test my patience in such a manner.
Inuyasha sauntered over with a beaming Rin on his arm and smirked up at Sesshoumaru with an almost childlike arrogance and drawled,
"Long time no see, ne, aniki-sama?"
To say that it was tempting to use Dokkasu on the hanyou would be the understatement of the era. But Sesshoumaru was a creature of immense self-control, and he did not want Rin to see him kill his brother so he settled for turning away with a faint scowl.
"I have nothing to say to you. Words cannot express my displeasure at seeing you here. And you know very well why."
Rin pouted cutely and chastised him,
"Oji-sama, you promised to be kind to your brother!"
"I did no such—"
"He isn't as bad as you made him out to be."
That brought him back around to face her. Not as bad as—was the girl mad?
Missing the fleeting look of shock on her guardian's stony visage, Rin prattled on,
"Sesshou-kun was just telling me about his nemesis Naraku-san, whom he fights to protect defenseless villagers. Surely anyone who would leave the pleasures of Kyoto to do battle with such a villain has some goodness in him."
Sesshoumaru cast a withering glare at Inuyasha and asked,
"So he has been talking to you of Naraku?"
"Hai. He told me all about Naraku-san and his plans to take over the world."
"Naraku..."
He growled, the stripes on his cheeks flaring just a little as he commanded,
"He will not speak to you of Naraku, or of anything else."
A nudge and a pert little nod from Rin encouraged Inuyasha to step forward.
"Look Fluffy, I know I've screwed up pretty bad, but for my own aniki-sama to act like this...it hurts."
Sesshoumaru's jaw was now clenched so tightly it was almost painful. Oh when he got his hands on Inuyasha...!
"Oji-sama, if you don't welcome Sesshou-kun into our home, I will never forgive you."
"Never forgive me?"
"Never, ever!"
It was almost too much to believe. Rin had forgiven him for far worse trespasses than this. Murder, torture...Jaken...But by the hells, if she didn't look serious.
The line of his shoulders tightened and with all the enthusiasm of a condemned man, he said,
"Very well. Otoutosan, I welcome you into our home."
And if I have my way, your grave as well.
They bowed stiffly to each other, gold locked with gold in a battle of wills that was only broken when Rin squealed and hugged them both.
"I'm so happy!"
"Come Rin-chan, we should leave the brothers alone."
Sango held out a hand to the young girl as Miroku nodded.
"No doubt they have much to catch up on."
"All right."
She gave each inu a brilliant smile and then left them to join Sango and Miroku. Once they were safely out of earshot, Sesshoumaru let his mask slip just a little.
"Inuyasha...I refuse to be a part of your Narakuing. Leave, before I do something you will not live to regret."
Before Inuyasha could reply, Jaken scuttled down the steps and informed them that he had placed "Sesshoumaru-san's" luggage in one of the guest rooms.
"His what?"
"You heard him. My luggage."
"Why do you have luggage here?"
"And people say I'm stupid. 'Cuz I'm stayin' for the week."
Ignoring the confused imp on the stairs to loom threateningly over the hanyou so thoughtlessly disturbing his peaceful home, Sesshoumaru snarled,
"You are not staying here for a week."
"Yeah I am."
"You are not."
"Am."
"Are—"
Feeling the familiar stabbing pain of another Inuyasha-induced migraine, Sesshoumaru rubbed his temples and said tiredly,
"We are not going to do this. You are going to go away, and I am going to find something to kill, and we are going to forget this happened."
"I ain't goin' anywhere."
Inuyasha countered, jaw set and brow furrowed. Sesshoumaru, for reasons he would never fathom, attempted to reason with the hanyou.
"You must. You have responsibilities."
"Since when did I ever let my responsibilities interfere with my fun?"
Jaken, realizing that nothing was going to be resolved between these two, toddled off to arrange a carriage for his master's ungrateful brother and then to find that sake he'd hidden away for just such an occasion, while Inuyasha hopped onto the railing and announced,
"Rin smells good."
"You will not speak of her in such a way. I do not like it."
"Like I care..."
Muttered the hanyou, adding a bit more loudly,
"While we're on the subject, I don't like your clothes. They're too white. You usually at least have some purple or red, or somethin' on 'em."
"I am supposed to be in mourning, baka."
"But I ain't dead, ani-kisama."
Sesshoumaru smiled just a little, in spite of the insult, and replied,
"You will be if you try to stay here for a week."
"Well I can't leave my best friend when he's in mourning, now can I?"
Again, it was only by the grace of his heightened youkai senses that Sesshoumaru did not fall over. Honestly, the whelp should have whiplash from the abrupt change in reasoning.
"Fine. If I change my clothes, will you leave?"
"Maybe. If you don't take too long."
Inuyasha replied with a grimace.
"I've never known a guy to take so long to get dressed...no wonder people think you're a girl."
"That is preferable to being thought an idiot."
"Keh! At least I'm a lovable idiot."
He patted the sword at his hip and added,
"With a kick-ass sword."
Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed. He had to go and bring up the sword. Not that Toukijin wasn't a fine sword, for it was, but the Tetsusaiga had been forged with the fang of the mighty Inutaisho, and the inuyoukai was more than a little envious of its power. And by extension, he admitted begrudgingly, its wielder.
But he would never allow Inuyasha to see it.
"Your vanity is astounding, your conduct outrageous and your presence here an insult. However, as you will soon be gone, I wish you a pleasant trip back to Kyoto."
He snarled, stalking carefully up the steps and towards the door.
"This Narakuing of yours has failed, little brother."
Inuyasha smiled after his icy friend, his brows arching softly, and said quietly,
"Oh I don't know about that."
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After a thorough sniffing of the castle, the hanyou located Rin in a small parlor, arranging flowers.
"Rin..."
She looked up from her work and bestowed him with another of her angelic smiles.
"Sesshou-kun...I thought you were with Oji-sama."
"I was but...He's sendin' me away."
"Iie!"
Inuyasha was surprised at how fast the girl could move. One minute she was kneeling behind a table, the next she was pressed up against him a way that was making him blush.
"I wouldn't mind parting from someone I'd known a long time. That's easy enough. But to be separated from you, when we've only just met...Oh it's too horrible!"
A slightly tipsy Jaken took that moment to appear.
"The carriage is waiting."
Inuyasha turned his best puppy eyes on Rin and she felt her insides melt like hot wax.
"It can wait, Jaken-san for...five minutes."
The imp teetered away but neither of the young people in the room paid any attention to the crashes of shattering porcelain or slurred cursing that marked his exit. Rin was lost in Inuyasha's eyes, and he was trying to figure out how to tell her what he was feeling without scaring her off or having a coronary.
"Rin, I...I think you're one of the prettiest bi—we—girls I've ever met and I really, really like the way you smell. And the fact that you like ramen..."
He swore his fangs ached to bite her.
"Sesshou-kun...I like the way you smell, too."
Clearly, this was a sign from the kamui. He was meant to bite her.
But apparently, not just yet.
"The...the wheely-thingie is out...there."
A very tipsy Jaken offered from the door, clutching the frame for dear life as the world tipped and rolled before his eyes.
"Tell it to come back in a week."
Jaken nodded, turned around and promptly passed out in the hall. Rin nibbled her lip nervously and remarked,
"Oji-sama is going to be very upset."
"I don't give a fuck about Fluffy. I just care about you."
If not for the sword at his hip, crimson would have consumed gold and those aching fangs would have been much longer than they were when he growled,
"I want you to be my mate, Rin."
"Sesshou-kun...It's even better than I imagined it would be..."
"Huh?"
Rin gave him an embarrassed little smile and explained,
"Ever since Oji-sama told me about you, I've been fascinated with you and I...I've been imagining what it would be like to be claimed by you."
A shudder of feral lust rippled through Inuyasha. Surely the girl didn't understand what she'd just said. Besides, he hadn't actually claimed her yet.
Emphasis on the yet.
He pulled her close, eyes fixed on the fragile arch of her throat, and set one clawed hand on her shoulder.
"Has Fluffy told you, about inuyoukai customs?"
"Iie, I had to ask Hirai-san."
She offered him her neck as he tugged the silk past her shoulder and lowered his head, jaws wide, to graze her white skin with his fangs. Rin sucked in a breath, surprised to find herself enjoying the sensation, and Inuyasha had to steel himself against the resulting change in her scent.
It really wouldn't do to just ravish his betrothed in Sesshoumaru's parlor, especially with Sesshoumaru lurking about somewhere in the castle.
He let one hand drop to the hilt of Tetsusaiga and found his still point, even as Rin cooed and ran her fingers through his hair. Even when she stretched in his arms, fragrant skin and warmed silk pressing against his chest to reach up and rub his ears.
"So soft...And your hair is the loveliest color...like spun platinum..."
"Rin, you understand that you can't break this off, like humans can with their engagements, ne?"
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Dunno. I just heard girls think it ain't serious if they don't break it off at least once."
She giggled at him and shook her head.
"Silly. I have what I've always wanted. I have my Sesshou-kun."
"Uh, yeah, about that..."
He spun her in his arms and dropped onto a cushion with her. Settling her in his lap, he set his chin on her shoulder and asked,
"What if my name was somethin' else? Would you still want me?"
"But your name isn't something else."
"I'm just sayin', what if it was. What if my name was...Inuyasha...?"
Rin considered this for a moment, and the hanyou's ears drooped, expecting the worst.
"Well...I don't know. I've always really liked the name Sesshoumaru."
His ears perked up at that and he grinned at her.
"Hey, is that monk allowed to perform rituals and ceremonies and shit like that?"
"Kaza-san doesn't usually do things like that, but his father, Mushin-jii-chan does."
"Perfect."
He swept her into his arms and deposited her on another large cushion, nearer the window, with the explanation,
"I gotta talk to him. I won't be gone long."
"Do hurry."
Inuyasha nodded and dashed outside, leaving a very giddy Rin staring after him.
"He has the most beautiful hair."
She shook her head, determining that she had been spending entirely too much time with the housekeeper, Yura. Still, his hair was beautiful...
Behind her, Jaken crawled through the door to say,
"A Higurashi-dono is here to see Inukai-san, on what she claims is very important business...but she's just a stupid ningen, so what does she know?"
"You horrible little toad!"
Jaken went sailing out the window and an irate Kagome strode into the room, blue-grey eyes flashing and fists clenched at her sides. Of all the nerve! To call her a stupid ningen when she could hear him.
She hoped he landed in a koi pond.
Rin, who had been expecting a very old woman from some charity, was unprepared to see a very lovely woman not much older than herself, dressed impeccably in shades of orchid standing before her, but the manners her guardian had insisted she learn kept her from gaping for too long. She rose and greeted the other woman with a respectful bow.
"Higurashi-dono, welcome. I'm Kuramoto Rin."
"Kuramoto Rin...I like that name. It sounds so innocent and sweet."
Kagome smiled at Rin and added in a light tone,
"You know, I think you and I are going to great friends, Rin."
"That would be nice."
"May I call you Rin?"
"Hai, Higurashi-dono."
"Oh, you must call me Kagome. Higurashi-dono makes me sound so old."
Rin invited Kagome to sit and soon a few imps had brought tea and mochi for the ladies, who discussed everything from the new styles in kimono and face painting to the finer points of archery, until at last they reached the reason for Kagome's presence.
"I'm sorry Oji-sama is out, Kagome, but—"
"Wait. Oji-sama?"
The younger girl smiled at the confused miko and nodded.
"Hai, Inukai-san is my guardian, and I've always called him Oji-sama."
A pout tugged at Kagome's pink mouth at this news. Why hadn't he told her about Rin?
"Mou, Rin-chan, Sesshoumaru never said anything about having a ward."
"Oh, Kagome-onee-chan, Sesshoumaru isn't my guardian! His aniki-sama is."
"Ani...ki...sama?"
Just how many secrets did the man have?
"Hai. They aren't exactly on the best terms, so it makes sense that you didn't know about Ken-sama."
"I guess so...still, I wish he'd trusted me a little more."
"I'll talk to him for you, Kagome-onee-chan."
Rin offered helpfully, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling as she added,
"After all, a man has to listen to his mate-to-be, ne?"
Apparently, he had a lot of secrets.
"Rin-chan...are you saying that you are Sesshoumaru's intended mate?"
"Hai. He marked me this afternoon."
Without a thought to modesty, the girl tugged her kimono just far enough for Kagome to see the red welts where—
Wait. Red welts?
Kagome's eyes narrowed in concentration. Not only were the marks red, they were also different from hers. Not quite as long, nor as far apart.
Which was a relief, because Sesshoumaru and Rin...well that was practically pedophilia!
The question now was, who was this mystery inuyoukai running about, pretending to be Sesshoumaru and marking young women?
"Rin-chan—"
"Kagome."
The purple welts on her neck thrummed at his proximity and Kagome herself was unable to mask the shiver of anticipation his deep baritone sent through her.
"Sesshoumaru."
He stood on the engawa outside, golden eyes locked on her grey-blue ones, and without having to tell her body what to do, she rose from her cushion, walked over to him, and offered him her neck.
Sesshoumaru grasped the miko by her shoulders and lowered his head to nuzzle his mark. A quick sweep of his tongue set her skin aflame and she became boneless in his hold.
"Watashi no ai."
She murmured, eyelids fluttering as he claimed her lips in a searing kiss.
Had Rin not dropped her teacup with a clatter then, her guardian would not have limited himself to just one kiss. She did, however, drop her cup, and so he released Kagome's shoulders in favor of her waist. Holding her up against him with one arm lest her knees buckle, he attempted to appear aloof and nonchalant.
"Rin."
"Right, Rin-chan...You didn't mark her this afternoon, did you?"
Sesshoumaru barely arched one eyebrow at his slightly dazed miko and replied,
"Iie."
"Somehow I didn't think so."
"Oh, but Kagome-onee-chan, that's not Sesshoumaru. That's my guardian, Inukai Ken."
Kagome's eyes cleared almost instantly and she stared at the girl, as she added brightly,
"That's my Oji-sama."
A million possible responses to this revelation flitted through Kagome's mind, but for some reason, the only thing she managed to say was,
"Osuwari!"
"BITCH!"
Jarred from her shock-induced stupor, she spun away from her mate-to-be and turned toward the stream of obscenities flowing from the garden.
"OI! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?"
A slightly rumpled, very angry hanyou stomped across the engawa to point a claw at Kagome.
"I swear to Kami, Kagome, if you don't take this fucking rosary off—"
"Sesshou-kun! Don't swear at Kagome-onee-chan!"
Rin wrapped her arms around his midsection and gave him a pouting scowl.
"It isn't nice."
"Sesshou—?"
Inuyasha's ears flattened on his skull in preparation for what was to come. Though he didn't quite expect the reaction he got.
Sesshoumaru watched, expressionless from surprise, as his mate-to-be laughed herself to tears.
"Oh, oh KAMI! Oh, this is just too...oh kami-sama! This is too much! Inuyasha no baka."
"Inu...yasha?"
Inuyasha cringed and looked down at the girl in his arms, his eyes shadowed with guilt and his ears drooping pitifully.
"Hai, Rin. My real name's Inuyasha."
"You lied to me."
"Aa."
"Hey, you lied to me, too!"
"Indeed."
"MEN!"
The girls promptly linked arms and stormed off, leaving two very confused inu in their wake.
Sesshoumaru rounded on Inuyasha, his youki rippling with rage.
"This...catastrophe is what you call Narakuing?"
"Fuckin' rights. Best damn Naraku I've ever had, too."
Yes, he knew it sounded...odd, but he said it anyway. And yes, Sesshoumaru knew what he was about to say would sound...odd, but he said it anyway.
"You had no right to Naraku here."
"Baka no Fluffy...You can Naraku wherever in the hells ya want. Every serious Narakuist knows that."
"Tell me you did not just say 'serious Narakuist'."
Inuyasha just smirked and Sesshoumaru spat,
"I take some small satisfaction in the knowledge that your friend Naraku has fallen apart. No more traipsing off into the woods, hunting Naraku for you."
"Your otoutosan ain't looking too good, either, Fluffy. Guess we won't be seein' your smug face in Kyoto anymore."
The stripes on the inuyoukai's cheeks widened and became jagged as he ground out,
"And then there is your deplorable treatment of Kuramoto-san. To take advantage of one who is so innocent, especially one who is this Ken's ward."
"Look who's talkin'! You seduced The Shikon no Miko, the purest soul in all of Japan, who just happens to be my cousin!"
"I desire Kagome for my mate."
"Well I want Rin for mine!"
He stalked into the room and fell on the mochi. Sesshoumaru, entering behind him, barely repressed a sneer.
"How can you eat at a time like this?"
"Food is love."
Ah, there you are migraine. How I've missed you.
"Inuyasha, leave."
"Fuck no! I haven't had dinner yet!"
He replied, stuffing another mochi in his mouth as he added,
"'Sides, that drunkard's christenin' me 'Sesshoumaru' at five-forty-five."
"He is christening me 'Sesshoumaru' at five-thirty."
Inuyasha, his mouth stuffed with sweet, sticky rice, tried to say something but Sesshoumaru ignored him and continued,
"It makes more sense for me to be christened. I have no reason to believe that Toutousai ever had me christened. You, on the other, were undoubtedly christened."
A giant gulp of tea washed the mochi down and Inuyasha managed to say,
"Exactly. I know I can handle it. Kami only knows what'll happen to that fur of yours it if gets wet...and we all know how wet dog smells."
"Baka no Inuyasha. You are also—"
"Only half dog demon, remember? It'll be worse for you than for me."
There were many things Sesshoumaru could take. Flowers in his mane, braids in his hair, Jaken...but jokes about the scent of wet inu were not among them.
"Inuyasha..."
He rose with fluid grace and set a hand on the hilt of Toukijin in an unspoken challenge to the young hanyou. Inuyasha, never one to back down from such a challenge, accepted eagerly, and the two were soon tearing up the exercise field.