The Importance of Being Sesshoumaru
A Trivial Comedy for Serious People
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Cast:
Earnest Worthing: Inukai Sesshoumaru
Alergnon Moncrieff: Tsuruga Inuyasha
Gwendolyn Fairfax: Higurashi Kagome
Cecily Cardew: Kuramoto Rin
Dr. Chausible, the younger: Kaza Miroku
Dr. Chausible, the elder: Kaza Mushin
Ms. Prism, the younger: Hirai Sango
Mrs. Prism: Hirai Kaede
Gen. Moncrief: Lord Inutashio
Bunburry: Naraku
Lady Bracknell/Aunt Augusta: Nigen Kikyou
Lord Bracknell: Nigen Suikotsu
Merriman: Jaken
Lane: Myouga
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Disclaimer:
I own nothing herein, save the idea.
Lots of tweaking in this section. I couldn't help myself. sheeps
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ACT THREE
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In the shelter of the gazebo, Kagome and Rin contemplated their situation and the men responsible for it.
"The fact that they didn't follow us does show that they have some sense of shame."
"Hai..."
Sighed Rin dejectedly.
"Still, I was rather hoping they would."
"So was I."
Admitted Kagome. The other girl turned to her then, the light in her eyes dulled with worry, and asked,
"What shall we do, Kagome-onee-chan?"
"I don't know, Rin-chan. I really d—"
Another slew of obscenities assailed their ears and before either of them could react, Inuyasha came sailing into view, a transformed Tetsusaiga clutched in one hand. He slammed into a tree not far from the gazebo and Kagome recognized at once the approaching youki.
"Oh for the love of..."
If only she had thought to bring her bow and arrows.
She rose from her seat and stalked over to him, just as Sesshoumaru landed, a glowing Toukijin clasped firmly in one hand, and demanded hotly,
"What are you baka no inu doing?"
Inuyasha got to his feet and prepared for another round as Sesshoumaru replied coldly,
"Woman, do not interfere. This is between the two of us."
"Like hell it is!"
Rin exclaimed, ignoring the blush staining her cheeks at her own outburst as she went on,
"By lying to us and marking us, you've involved us in this too, Oji-sama, whether you like it or not."
"Rin—"
Much to his surprise, she ignored his stern, paternal tone and rounded on Inuyasha.
"Inuyasha, why did you pretend to be Oji-sama's brother?"
His face steadily turning the color of his gi, he answered softly,
"'Cuz I wanted to meet you."
"Oh Inuyasha!"
She flung herself at him and knocked him to the ground, her arms tightening around his neck as she confessed,
"I really do like the name Inuyasha. It suits you."
"I like the way you say it."
Not wishing to develop cavities, Sesshoumaru turned from his ward and the hanyou to look at Kagome, who seemed deliciously nervous.
Of course, she is always delicious.
"Why did you...go through all this?"
"Because once I sme—saw you, I realized I could have none other for my mate, and determined to do whatever necessary to have you."
"Oh..."
She stood perfectly still as he approached, sheathing Toukijin as he did so, and made no attempt to move away when he took hold of her upper arms to raise her onto her toes. Bending slightly so as to be at her level, he assured her,
"And I will have you."
His features were as stony as ever, but there was something dark and sinful burning in his eyes, and the heat that spread from his hands coiled deep in her belly.
It took a Herculean effort to form a coherent sentence.
"But you—who are you, really?"
"After tonight, I will be Sesshoumaru."
He leaned in close, his breath tickling her ear, and added,
"After tonight, you will be mine."
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The happy if sexually frustrated couples reentered the castle arm in arm to find a very bored Kikyou waiting for them in the study.
"Sofu-dono!"
"Kagome."
"Aunt Kikyou!"
"Inuyasha."
Miko bitch.
Kikyou's eyes narrowed just a fraction at Sesshoumaru, as if she'd sensed his thoughts, but his face remained impassive, so she turned her attention back to her wayward daughter and nephew, who were staring at her with near matching expressions of horrified shock.
"Why is your aura so tainted with his, and his with yours, Kagome?"
"Inukai-san and I are to be mated, Mama."
Those cold grey orbs returned to Sesshoumaru and the former miko said icily,
"You are to have no further contact with my daughter. Starting now. Release her at once."
"I have marked Kagome as my intended mate, and as you well know, that is not something that can be revoked."
If only she'd thought to bring her bow and arrows!
"We shall see."
Inuyasha had just started to hope that she'd forget about him, but when he saw her eyes settle on him, he knew he was done for, and his ears drooped accordingly.
"Inuyasha, has Naraku been troubling the villages in this area?"
"Iie. Naraku is...somewhere else. Dead, actually. Probably in hell, too, the bastard."
"That would be appropriate, considering."
Sesshoumaru added, to which they all, including Kikyou, nodded, before she remarked,
"His death was certainly sudden."
"Yeah, well, I don't need—I mean, I finally killed him."
Wondering if perhaps her nephew had really been dropped on the head as an infant as she had often suspected, she asked him,
"How is that he died?"
"Who, Naraku? Oh, he kinda just...fell apart."
"Fell apart? So the combination of the Kaze no Kizu and Bakuryuuha finally worked on him, then? Or was it the Kongousouha? The Dragon-scale Tetsusaiga, perhaps?"
Inuyasha wasn't sure why his aunt was so interested in his techniques, or how she even knew them all for that matter, and since he hadn't thought his story through, he replied ambiguously,
"It's like this, he couldn't live any more, so he just...died."
"I...suppose that makes sense."
Kikyou pinched the bridge of her nose, fighting the headache that loomed somewhere behind her eyes, and tried to focus on something other than Naraku.
"Inukai-san, I must ask...who is that young lady to whom my nephew seems so...attached?"
"Kuramoto Rin, my ward."
"She's gonna be my mate."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Inuyasha has marked me as his intended mate."
Rin offered fiercely, not really liking the way Kagome's mother was glaring at Inuyasha, or herself, for that matter. Kikyou, for her part, managed a cold little smile and replied,
"Truly, there must be something in the air here in the Saigoku. Does mating season come early in this part of Japan?"
Kagome barely repressed a groan of humiliation at that remark. Really, her mother could be such a b—
"And pray tell me, Inukai-san, is the Kuramoto clan connected in anyway with sword making? I only ask so that I might have all the facts. Until yesterday, I wasn't aware that there were clans originating from volcanoes."
Centuries of control kept him from transforming and devouring Kikyou whole. But only just.
"My ward is the granddaughter of the late Saitou Hajime, of the—"
"Shinsengumi."
Kikyou breathed, actually impressed by the lineage of the girl plastered to Inuyasha's side like a wet yukata. Satisfied that her nephew hadn't chosen someone of weak blood, since she suspected the hanyou would want to try that life-bonding spell she'd told him about once, she rose as if to leave and stated with finality,
"Kagome, it is time for us to leave."
"But Kaa-san—!"
Ignoring her daughter's outburst, Kikyou carefully smoothed the wrinkles from her kimono and asked rather offhandedly,
"By the way, Inukai-san, does Kuramoto-san have any fortune?"
"Indeed she does, Nigen-kou."
He dragged himself from Kagome's side to snatch a scroll from his desk, which he handed to Kikyou with the explanation,
"I do not think it proper to discuss such matters in front of guests."
The former miko arched an eyebrow at the thinly veiled insult and concentrated on the sum presented her, certain her eyes deceived her.
"This cannot be—"
"It is."
"But that's—"
"The reward for Aku Soku Zan."
He replied coolly as he snatched the scroll from her hand and returned it to its place in his desk. With a heavy rustle, Kikyou dropped back onto the cushion, her eyes wide and a little glassy. Inuyasha and Kouga, working together, would not be able to gamble all that money away.
Perhaps she had been too hasty.
"Kuramoto-san is actually rather pretty now that I look at her, though she seems a bit...wild."
Rin tried, as inconspicuously as possible, to smooth her hair and kimono at the same time without letting go of Inuyasha, as Kikyou continued,
"I know of a few geisha, in Gion, who could do wonders with you, child."
Turning to her nephew, she assured him,
"I am confident that in a short time, she could be presented at court. I see distinct social possibilities in her, Inuyasha."
"But I like her the way she is. And you know how I feel about society."
"Hai, and as I have told you before, only those who cannot get into society are against it."
Inuyasha's ears flattened on his skull and it was all Rin could do not to pet them. Her poor Inu-kun! Why was his aunt being so mean to him?
"Kuramoto-san, Inuyasha has nothing but Tetsusaiga, dumb luck and stubbornness upon which to rely...though I have no tolerance for mercenary marriages. When I married Suikotsu, I had no fortune of any kind, but I never dreamed of allowing that to stand in my way. So I suppose I shall have to give my consent."
"Arigatou, Aunt Kikyou."
"Arigatou gozaimasu, Nigen-kou."
Rin finally let go of Inuyasha to give Kikyou a proper bow, to which the former miko replied,
"You may call me Aunt Kikyou."
"Arigatou, Aunt Kikyou."
"Now then..."
Kagome and Sesshoumaru, having realized no one was paying them attention, had long since ducked behind one of the bookshelves and were well on their way to being more than intended mates, as Kikyou began lecturing Inuyasha and Rin.
"The mating ceremony should take place as soon as possible. I am not in favor of long betrothals, as they give a person too much time to find out the other's flaws before they are married, and that is never a good idea."
Sesshoumaru emerged from the bookcase then, his kimono and kosode open and untucked from his sashinuki, and said icily,
"I hate to ruin your plans, but Rin cannot be mated to Inuyasha without my consent until she comes of age, and I refuse to give that consent."
Dumbstruck, Rin could only gape at her guardian, while Inuyasha could only wonder how he and Kagome had managed to be so fucking quiet. Kikyou had other things on her mind.
"Why would you refuse Inuyasha? He is your friend, after all, and he is ridiculously eligible. Look at him. He has to beat the girls off with Tetsusaiga."
"That may be, but the plain truth is that your nephew is a liar."
Kikyou's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"I admit, he has his flaws, but he is most certainly not a liar."
"But he is. While I was away, he entered my home by pretending to be my younger half brother. He worked the cooking staff to the bone, destroyed half my sakura arbor—"
"I wasn't fighting myself, Fluffy!"
"Worse, he seduced and marked my only ward. And what makes his behavior unforgivable is that he knew all the while that I had no younger half brother, for I had told him so myself yesterday."
"Inukai-san..."
The former miko's tone was pensive, as though she had considered what Sesshoumaru had said quite seriously...and then she told him,
"I have decided to overlook Inuyasha's conduct towards you."
"You truly are a generous creature, Nigen-kou."
Began Sesshoumaru, adding extra emphasis to 'creature."
"However, it changes nothing. I still refuse to grant my consent."
"Rin, you're sixteen, ne?"
"Hai, but I always say I'm nineteen when I go to parties."
Inuyasha glanced up at his aunt, who seemed pleased by this information.
"Good for you, child. No woman should ever admit to her real age. It seems so calculating."
She gave Sesshoumaru another frosty smile and said,
"She is, by law, of age, Inukai-san."
Kikyou waited for him to respond, but he seemed rather distracted by something, and was actually about to duck back behind the bookshelf when she cleared her throat. With a low growl, he replied,
"Her grandfather's will sets the age of consent at thirty."
And then he ducked back behind the bookshelf. Kikyou did not appear to notice. She was too busy calculating how much Rin would be worth in fourteen years.
"Inuyasha..."
Rin set a soft, warm hand on his jaw and asked him softly,
"Would you wait for me until I was thirty?"
"Rin...I'd wait for your reincarnation, pinned to a tree by a miko's enchanted arrow for fifty years."
She was touched, but it was just a little creepy, the way his eyes glazed over when he said that...Besides, she was not the patient type.
"Inu-kun I don't want to wait!"
"But—"
"I want you to mate me right now!"
"For fuck's sake, Rin! Now!"
His face on fire, his eyes darted about the room, taking in his aunt, The Bookcase...
"Inukai-san!"
An irritated snarling sigh was heard, followed by soft giggles, and Sesshoumaru, now missing his kimono and kosode altogether, stepped once more from behind The Bookcase to face Kikyou.
"Nigen-kou."
"Your ward wishes for my nephew to mate her immediately...perhaps a little too immediately for my tastes, but nevertheless...I must implore you to reconsider your decision."
"The matter is entirely in your hands. Drop your ridiculous objections to my taking Kagome as my mate..."
And here he drew a half-naked, fiercely blushing Kagome out from behind The Bookcase for emphasis.
"And of course I will allow Inuyasha to mate Rin."
"That is out of the question."
"Then I suppose we are all destined for celibacy."
Not that anyone in the room believed him...
Kikyou gathered herself to her full height, her irritation flaring anew at the realization that the damned inuyoukai was still at least two heads taller than she, and snapped,
"Kagome, compose yourself. We are leaving."
Miroku chose that precise moment to waltz into the study, shakujo jingling and his most recent slap mark from Sango still stinging, to announce,
"Mushin has everything in order for the christenings."
Again, Kikyou felt her knees buckle. There was only so much a former miko could take in one day.
"That seems a bit premature, wouldn't you say?"
The monk, his gaze riveted on Kagome's creamy thigh, replied,
"I'm thinking not."
"Kaza-san, what would Hirai-san say if she saw you ogling Kagome-onee-chan?"
Miroku's head whipped around at that and he forced a nervous smile.
"Ah, Rin-chan...I was just—"
"Hirai-san? Did you say, Hirai-san?"
"Aa."
He nodded, his brow furrowing at the cold look he was receiving from the woman in the wine colored kimono. It unnerved him to hear his Sango's name spoken in so hateful a tone.
"Is this Hirai-san a member of your household?"
"Iie, she works for Inukai-san."
A communal groan went up and all eyes, even Miroku's, turned once more to The Bookcase.
"Inukai-san."
Without coming into the open, he replied,
"Hirai-san is Rin's tutor. She was previously—Stop that—employed as a taijiya in the North, but following the peace she and her brother Kohaku came—I am trying to concentrate, woman—here with their mother, Kaede."
"Hirai Kaede. I must speak with her."
"I'm afraid that's impossible."
Rin interjected, drawing everyone's attention away from The Bookcase.
"Kohaku-kun always takes Kaede-obaa-chan to Hokkaido this time of year, so his mother can pay her respects to her ancestors."
"Then I would speak with her daughter."
"Miao!"
"Kirara!"
"Ah, here she comes now."
Miroku said with a smile, as Kirara scampered into the room, followed closely by a boomerang-less Sango. Her eyes latched onto the monk's and she began,
"Houshi-sama, I've been waiting for you."
He was at her side in an instant, one hand holding hers, the other gloved hand inching lower and lower...
"Aa, my Sango-chan...you needn't wait much longer."
Slap!
Kikyou began to wonder if there really was something in the air...
"Hirai-san."
Instantly, Sango's spine went rigid and her gaze shifted from the perverted, probably masochistic houshi to the cold noble at the other end of the study.
"Hirai-san, tell me...What did she do with the pup?"
Sensing that this was some sordid tale not meant for virgin ears, Inuyasha instinctively tucked Rin's head under his chin and covered her ears, his own pressing tightly to his skull.
There was a heavy clatter from behind The Bookcase and Sesshoumaru's obi fluttered out.
Miroku wondered why neither of them had gotten slapped.
Sango cuddled Kirara to her and tried to lose herself in the nekomata's fur as Kikyou continued,
"Two hundred years ago, a woman known as Hirai Kaede left the home of the Inutaisho in charge of a male inuyoukai pup and the Tenseiga. Neither ever returned. Some weeks later, the Tenseiga was discovered, peace-bonded, in a shrine near the Rashomon Gate, but the pup was gone and so was Kaede."
Kikyou rose and glided across the room to face Sango.
"Tell me, Hirai-san, what did your ancestor do with that pup? I have a feeling that you know."
"Nigen-sama...As it all happened long before I was born, I can only tell you what I have myself been told..."
Sango's brow knit, and she did not reject Miroku's comforting arm around her shoulders as she explained,
"My ancestor Kaede actually left with two swords, the Tenseiga and another sword, the name of which I do not know. She was supposed to keep the healing sword with the pup, so that he could grow used to it and the energy it gave off, and take the other sword, a sword with a jaki so fierce the Inutaisho himself had to place a ward on it, to the temple to be purified. But in a fit of madness for which none of the Hirai clan can ever be forgiven, my ancestor took the Tenseiga to the shrine and left the pup with the other sword."
There was a mad scramble behind The Bookcase and then Sesshoumaru emerged once again, tying the waist ties of his sashinuki.
"Where did she leave the pup?"
"Onegai, Inukai-san, don't ask me...it's too horrible."
"Taijiya."
Her head snapped up like a soldier's and he repeated his question.
"Where. Did she leave. The pup."
"On the side of a mountain."
"What mountain?"
"Mount Asahidake."
Whispered Sango miserably, not even caring where Miroku's gloved hand was.
"How very interesting."
He stepped behind The Bookcase briefly and returned with Kagome, who appeared to be wearing his kimono, and the Toukijin.
Kikyou dug frantically for the smelling salts she had started carrying since that incident with Jakotsu and the American sailors.
"Is this the sword your ancestor was supposed to leave in the shrine, Hirai-san?"
"It certainly looks like it, Inukai-san."
Sango stretched a hand towards the blade and Kirara's hair stood on end as the sword's dark red jaki became visible. The former taijiya immediately withdrew her hand and looked up at her employer.
"That is most certainly the same sword. No other blade has such a powerful jaki. But how is it that you are able to carry it, Inukai-san?"
"I suspect because it was made for me..."
He leveled his steady gaze at Kikyou and asked,
"Am I mistaken, miko? Was the Toukijin not forged for my hand?"
"You are not mistaken. Your late mother commissioned the sword, before you were born. She wanted her son to have a mighty blade, equal to that of his father's."
Her grey eyes shifted to Inuyasha, who was hopelessly lost at this point, before returning to the demon holding her daughter.
"Unfortunately, the sword smith went mad. It seems the jaki was too strong for him, and he killed your mother when she came to collect the sword. Naturally your father killed him, and it was his wish that the Toukijin be peace bonded and placed in a shrine. I can only imagine that it was the influence of the sword that caused your nursemaid to forget herself so tragically."
"Whoa—"
"You mean—"
Inuyasha and Rin gaped at Sesshoumaru, who stood in the middle of the room like some kind of infernal god, with a devil sword in one hand and half-naked girl in the other, as Kikyou explained,
"You are the eldest son of the late Inutaisho by his first mate, and consequently Inuyasha's half-brother."
"It is customary to give the bad news first, Aunt Kikyou."
"Fuck you, Fluffy!"
Ignoring his otoutosan's outburst, and trying desperately to ignore what Kagome was doing under the cover of his kegawa, Sesshoumaru inquired with amazing calmness,
"And my name? Had a name been given me, before my abandonment?"
"Naturally. Due to an arrangement made with your mother's father, you were to be given his name."
It was getting harder and harder to remember why he couldn't kill her, and even harder to ignore what Kagome was doing, but still he persevered.
"I trust you know my grandfather's name."
"I can't say that I remember it..."
Kikyou pursed her lips together thoughtfully. It was a name she did not care for, that much she remembered, but the actual name eluded her. Sango had no idea and not even Miroku, who had studied the histories of all four Cardinal Points, could recall the name.
And then the unthinkable happened.
"Chichi-ue married the First Princess of the East, ne? Shouldn't the guy's name be in one of those scrolls about the royal family?"
Inuyasha used his brain as it was meant to be used and there was much rejoicing in the land.
With Kagome snugly tucked away in his kegawa, Sesshoumaru plucked the appropriate scroll from a shelf and scanned it, searching for his grandfather's name. After a moment the outer corners of his eyes crinkled ever so slightly, and his lips twitched upwards just a whisker. His chest rumbled and then he let out a short bark of laughter before turning to face his astonished audience to say,
"Sesshoumaru."
"Sesshoumaru..."
Kagome drug out the syllables, letting them roll of her tongue, and tripped a finger down his chest.
Always having been of the opinion that fortune favors the bold, the inuyoukai turned to his dear Aunt Kikyou and said,
"Tomorrow this Sesshoumaru will claim his title as taiyoukai and the Tenseiga. Tonight, he claims something else."
And without further preamble, took off into the forest with his intended-mate. In the uproar their departure created, Inuyasha and Rin managed to sneak away into another part of the forest, leaving Miroku and Sango to deal with a rather irate Kikyou. Half a jug of warm sake convinced her to return to Kyoto, to inform Suikotsu and everyone else about the unexpected goings-on in the Saigoku.
Once she was safely in her carriage, Miroku prevailed upon Mushin, who had consumed far more than a mere half jug of sake, to bind him to Sango so that he could begin enjoying his marital rights.
Fin