With the Kraang gone everything should be back to normal. Their family was still whole and okay. Their injuries were starting to heal, but scars remained, both physical and otherwise
As soon as they'd returned home Leo and his brothers had grabbed every bit of their bedding and curled up on the floor right next to their dad's lounge chair. They just needed to know that the others were there, that even if they weren't okay now they would be eventually.
Usually when they slept together they would be very picky about their sleeping territories. They would spend several minutes arguing and negotiating about who slept next to who, and how much space they all needed. No matter how much planning they put into it they would eventually wake up and somebody was sprawled all over somebody else, and fighting would quickly ensue.
Today none of them could bring themselves to care about their personal bubbles, even Donnie. They'd all had a long and exhausting, and completely traumatizing day, and they needed each other's company. Curling up against each other in their sleep was what they were all counting on.
Mikey tried to play the part of a blanket, draping himself across the laps of his brothers so he could be in contact with all of them at the same time. Donnie contented himself with letting his brothers take control of the physical contact, accepting whatever was given to him.
Raph was big enough that he could hold onto all of them at once, and his grip was firm and comforting. Leo was glad for his big brother's touch, because it made it that much easier to hide the fact that he was clinging desperately to Raph.
Leo couldn't get out of his head how many times today he'd thought that he'd lost Raph. His older brother had been the one constant in his life, and Leo had never thought that he'd ever had to be without him, and then the Kraang had come and Leo felt nothing but absolutely terrified.
Raph fell asleep almost immediately, his exhaustion and ease with his brothers just knocked him right out. Mikey fell asleep soon after. Donnie shifted around every few minutes, though Leo didn't know if it was because that big brain of his wasn't calming down, or if he was too sore to easily get comfortable. Eventually Donnie too stilled and dozed off, leaving just Leo wide awake and staring at the ceiling.
His body was exhausted and hurt, and Leo knew that it was just begging for sleep, but he couldn't. If he so much as closed his eyes he was filled with an overwhelming anxiety. He knew that his brothers were right there, but if he couldn't see them he felt like they were gone forever. Leo had to be able to see his brothers. He had to know for sure that they were okay.
Leo now understood Raph's anxiety when he was separated from them, and he wasn't ever going to tease his older brother for his unease ever again. Leo just couldn't shake the thought that his brothers could be ripped right away from him, and he couldn't let that happen. Leo had thought that he'd lost Raph enough times today, and he wasn't going through that pain again.
When Leo's eyes got too heavy and it felt physically impossible to stay awake he curled closer to Raph and hoped that the physical contact would be enough to remind him that his brother was right there, right within reach if anything happened.
It helped a little bit, and Leo was nearly asleep when he suddenly remembered the sound of the Kraang's tentacle thing stabbing through Raph's shell. The crack. The splattering of the blood. The shell pieces scattered on the ground right next to him. The memory made Leo gasp and snap his eyes wide open. He turned his head to look at Raph, freezing when he saw the new gap in his shell. There was still dried blood on it.
Raph had gotten hurt. If he'd been just a little to the side, either direction, then the tentacle would have gone through his arm, probably maiming him for life, or through his head, killing him. The imagery sent a shiver down Leo's spine and made him want to sob. He swallowed thickly and nuzzled against Raph. His older brother unconsciously wrapped a hand around his shoulder, pulling him closer. Leo was comforted, but the gesture also made him feel more horrified and guilty.
Raph had been right there. He'd risked his own life just to save Leo from his own idiocy. Leo had been just inches away and yet he'd done nothing but watch as his brother's shell was stabbed right through. If Leo hadn't been able to stop Raph from getting hurt when he saw the trouble coming right in front of him, what made him think that he'd be able to protect him from a potential threat that could sneak right up on them as they slept?
Leo couldn't afford to sleep. What if he woke up and Raph, or any one of their other brothers, was gone? Leo would never be able to forgive himself if something happened to his brothers.
How did Raph deal with this all the time? Yes, he was overprotective, and he had a tendency to get angry when they didn't listen to him, but Raph let them do their own thing. He trusted them to take care of themselves and each other. Leo didn't know if he could do that, and it hurt.
He couldn't sleep with the concern that something might happen to his brothers at any given second, but if he didn't sleep then he wouldn't be in any state to protect them if a threat did come by. There was no winning here.
Leo knew that he should trust his brothers to take care of themselves, because they were all just as skilled and capable as he was, but he couldn't shake the thought that his brothers were doomed if he didn't personally save them. How was he supposed to lead his brothers if he couldn't really trust them? A leader was supposed to bring out the best in the team, not take everything upon themselves and treat the others like incompetent children.
Leo didn't know how to do any of this. Was his father insane? Leo barely knew how to be responsible for himself. How could he lead his brothers? Why couldn't Raph remain the leader? He was great at finding a balance between protecting and guiding. Leo saw that now, and he now had first-hand experience that showed just how difficult finding that balance was, and how much Leo wasn't suited for it.
Leo wasn't one to back down from a challenge, but there was a difference between accepting a reckless dare and risking his brother's lives. They would all be better off with Raph as their leader.
It was a hit to Leo's pride, but in the morning he was going to talk to his dad and resign as leader. He was going to give that position back to Raph. His big brother deserved it, and he was the one with the experience and mindset necessary to do the job right.
Leo let out a shuddered breath and just stared up at the ceiling. He was sore all over. If Donnie hadn't been so exhausted when they'd gotten home then they all would have had a thorough check-up immediately. It had been put off for the morning, when Donnie was rested and actually able to focus on their treatment.
Leo knew that he was hurt, he could feel it, but he thought that all of those injuries were superficial and would heal with minimal soreness in just a few days. The Kraang had really gone to town with him, but he'd left just bruises. None of Leo's bones were broken, he didn't even think something was dislocated. Donnie had checked them all for concussions before they'd gone to sleep, and Leo was set. His shell had done its job and kept him safe from serious injury. He was fine, just sore everywhere.
Leo hoped that Donnie focused more on his own injuries and Raph's. Donnie acted like he was fine, but Leo had seen his exposed shell, and he'd seen the bruises, scratches, and weird marks across it. As for Raph, that shell had to be taken care of, and Leo also wanted those scratches near his eye to be checked on, because they were just way too close to his eye for comfort.
Leo wished that he had Donnie's patience, focus, and knowledge. Right now Donnie was the closest thing they had to a medic, which worked okay when they hadn't been fighting for their lives and their worst injuries were because of reckless, stupid stunts. If they were all hurt this badly at once, they needed more than just one person around who knew what they were doing.
Leo briefly considered asking Donnie to show him how to treat his shell, because Donnie couldn't exactly take care of his shell by himself, but Leo knew it wouldn't do any good. No matter how important it was, or how much he should concentrate, his mind wandered and he lost focus. He couldn't do that while taking care of his brother, because what if he accidentally did something that hurt him?
Leo felt absolutely useless. What was he supposed to do? He couldn't protect his brothers. He couldn't lead them. He couldn't even take care of his injuries. Leo knew that he had a place in this family, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that it felt like nothing that he brought to the table helped right now.
A voice was screaming in Leo's head that this wasn't about him. He wanted to protect his family, but if he wasn't good enough then he could stand aside and let the others do what they did best. Leo didn't need to be his family's savior, he just needed them to be okay.
Leo didn't sleep all night, which meant that he was awake, though drowsy, when Mikey shifted in his sleep and nudged his foot against the new gaping hole in Raph's chest. Raph let out a very short, shrill sound of pain that sounded like a cross between a scream and a grunt. The sound was quickly cut off as Raph slammed a hand over his mouth and muffled the sound. If Leo hadn't been awake already he probably wouldn't have been woken up by the sound.
"You okay, bro?" Leo whispered. Raph's eyes snapped open and he looked at Leo in alarm.
"You…you're awake?" Raph's eyes narrowed in concern. He sat up, adjusting his position so his shell was away from Mikey's limbs. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"Couldn't sleep." Leo rubbed his arm. He felt bad. Raph had been woken up because his injury was agitated, but he was still more worried about Leo being awake then he was about himself. How often did Raph do this kind of thing, and how could Leo have been so blind to it?
Raph gave Leo a sympathetic look. "Nightmares?"
"Something like that, yeah." Leo muttered. He hadn't had any nightmares, but he didn't doubt that if he fell asleep then his dreams would be full of seeing Raph controlled by the Kraang, or attacked by the Kraang, or tortured by the…well, you get the point.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Raph asked. Leo shook his head before he finished the question. He didn't want to burden his brother more than necessary.
"I'm fine." Leo said. He looked at Raph's shell. "What about you? Is your shell okay?"
"You don't gotta worry about me." Raph tried to wave off his concern. Leo remembered hearing this kind of thing from Raph all the time, and he'd always taken it as a confirmation that he was okay. Only now did Leo realize that Raph hadn't actually said that he was okay.
Leo stood up and held a hand out to his brother. "Come on, let's get your shell taken care of."
"Leo, I'm fi-" Raph started, but Leo wouldn't hear it.
"We both know you're not fine." Leo said sternly. He gave Raph a pleading look. He didn't think that his puppy eyes were as good as Mikey's, but he knew that Raph would have a hard time denying him. "Please. You got hurt because of me. Give me the chance to at least try to fix it."
Raph looked wounded. "Leo, this isn't your fault. You know that, right?" Raph looked desperate. "Please tell me you know that."
Leo sighed. He was too tired to lie. "I'm not backing down, and we both know how stubborn I am. If you don't want to wake the others with our fighting, I suggest you just let me help you with your shell."
Raph sighed, annoyed, but he took Leo's hand and at least gave the illusion that he was pulled to his feet, even though they both knew that Raph was pulling himself up while Leo was doing nothing more than holding his hand.
Raph spent a few long moments adjusting Donnie and Mikey so they were cuddling each other and wouldn't miss their absence. Raph reluctantly followed Leo into Donnie's room. They normally weren't allowed in here without Donnie's approval, which he rarely gave, but both Raph and Leo believed that there were exceptions to every rule.
Raph sat on Donnie's bed while Leo found probably the one medicine thing that he could identify in this room besides a bandage. Donnie called it antibacterial ointment, Leo called it shell stuff, because that's all they used it for. It was a mixture that Donnie put together himself to disinfect and sooth any injury they may get on their shells. He was the one that used it the most, but Donnie also insisted that if any of them needed it then they shouldn't hesitate to use it.
Donnie had made the ointment so that only a small amount was needed to work, but Leo had never been very good at restraint. He got a fair amount of ointment and started gently slathering it on the cracks and injuries on the shell. Raph hissed through his teeth before sighing contently and leaned into Leo's touch.
"Man, that stuff stings." Raph chuckled slightly. "But it also feels so good."
"Donnie knows what he's doing." Leo said. "Just don't tell him I said that. He has a big enough head as it is." He had some leftover ointment on his hands, and he started using it on the other small cuts on Raph's shell, not just the really bad ones.
Leo wanted to act like he was just fine, but when he looked at the shattered bit of Raph's shell he saw the moment replay in his mind. He froze and just stared, his horror and guilt blatant on his face. Raph hummed curiously and looked over his shoulder when Leo stopped. Raph's eyes were full of nothing but sympathy, and it felt like a punch in the gut. Raph was the one that was hurt. He shouldn't be worried about Leo right now.
"Bro, it's not your fault." Raph insisted.
Leo stiffened as his chest tightened. "Then whose fault is it?"
"The Kraang's." Raph said.
"But they wouldn't have been here at all if I'd just listened to you." Leo's hands shook. "You wouldn't have gotten hurt if I'd just listened."
"You couldn't have known what would happen." Raph said quietly.
"That doesn't matter." Leo said.
It matters a lot." Raph turned to face Leo. He pulled him into his arms, and held him tight. Leo wanted to be strong, but he ended up breaking down as soon as he was engulfed in his big brother's arms.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Leo muttered. Raph hushed him and held him tight.
"It's okay, Leo. I'm okay." Raph said. "We're just fine."
"I don't feel fine." Leo shook his head. "And I know you don't either."
Raph was quiet for a long moment before he sighed. "Maybe, but I will be. We all just need a little bit of time…and a lot of rest." Raph pulled back. "You need to get back to sleep."
"I don't think I can yet." Leo said. He didn't say that he hadn't been sleeping at all. He didn't want to worry Raph more. His older brother should just be worrying about himself. "I think I'll go for a walk, or train, or something."
"Okay." Raph said quietly. He didn't sound completely happy, but they all sometimes had a hard time sleeping. Physical activity usually helped to tire them out. "Do you want some company?"
"I'm fine." Leo said. "Go get some sleep."
"Okay." Raph said. "Goodnight, Bro."
"Night." Leo sighed as Raph left the room. Leo sat there for several long minutes before he forced himself to move. He was too drained for training, and he didn't want to go for a walk and leave his family behind, but there was something that he could do.
Leo left Donnie's room, only to turn and make his way to Splinter's room. He felt a little bad for waking his sensei, but he couldn't just sit around and wait for morning. Patience had never been his strong suit. Leo had tried, but he couldn't do it anymore. He felt like he was going crazy in his own head.
Splinter wasn't always the easiest person to open up to, but it was easier to get him to be vulnerable and give useful advice when it was just one on one, and Splinter had been getting a lot better lately.
Splinter had sat on his chair while they had settled down to sleep, but had returned to his own room to sleep in his own bed. Leo thought it was because his dad felt like he wasn't allowed to be vulnerable around them, and he needed some personal time to meditate and process all that had happened that day.
Leo had thought that he was going to spend several minutes standing next to Splinter's bed, trying to work up the nerve to talk to him. As soon as Leo entered though Splinter rolled over and looked at him. Splinter hadn't been asleep. It seemed that Leo wasn't the only one having a hard time sleeping tonight.
"My son, are you alright?" Splinter sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Shouldn't you be asleep?"
"I needed to talk to you." Leo said. His tone was serious and determined. This was very important, and for the best of the family. Leo wouldn't take no for an answer. He couldn't lead his brothers. Surely Splinter would see that.
"Dad, I can't be the leader." Leo said. "I can't do it."
Splinter blinked a few times before he sighed and got off his bed. "Okay, I guess we're talking about this now."
"I tried to wait until morning, but I couldn't." Leo said. He knew that his dad would understand. Splinter frequently had a hard time concentrating on things.
"I suppose I don't need to ask where this is coming from." Splinter said. "Leonardo, I know that yesterday was difficult for all of us, but you can't just look at one bad day and let it control your decisions."
"It's not just yesterday." Leo said. These problems had been going on this whole time. Leo had just been ignorant and blind until yesterday. "Dad, this isn't just because I don't think I'm good enough to do it. I know that with practice I can get better at whatever I put my mind to. I've seen all the superhero movies. I know how the lesson goes. That's not the problem."
"Then what is?" Splinter asked.
"It hurts." Leo said. His voice trembled, and he didn't bother hiding it. "I can't sleep. Whenever I close my eyes all I can think about is that when I open them again my brothers are going to be gone, and there won't be anything I can do about it. I'm scared of letting them do anything, because I'm scared they're going to get hurt, but I can't control everything they do."
Leo took a deep, shuddered breath. "There's so much that goes into being a leader. It's a lot more than I ever expected, and way more than I can handle. I can be a better follower now, but I can't lead. I just can't. It's too much for me. I-I don't want this. Please, please, make Raph leader again."
Splinter frowned slightly. "You say that you understand the burden of leadership, and yet you want to give it to your brother because it's too hard for you?" Splinter's tone wasn't at all accusatory, but Leo felt like he was being called out anyway. He knew that he should be stronger than this, but he really couldn't.
"Raph's better at it than I am." Leo said. "He's a protector. Whether he's the leader or not he's going to look out for us. If he's the leader then we'll actually listen to him, and he'll listen to us in a way that I just don't know how." He really wasn't trying to give this burden to Raph out of laziness. Leo genuinely thought that Raph fit the role so much better. Splinter had to see that it was the truth as well.
Splinter was quiet for a long moment. "...Do you believe it's what's best for the team, or the best for you?"
"Both." Leo said. Mikey and Donnie would do so much better with a leader who knew their limits and skills, and if Leo wasn't leading then maybe he'd be able to calm down enough to trust his brothers to live through the night, and maybe he could get some sleep.
Splinter sighed. "If you truly believe this is for the best then I'll think about it." Leo breathed a sigh of relief. He knew that his dad wasn't just saying empty words. He would think carefully about what Leo said. He was about to thank his dad, but Splinter held up his hand to stop him before he could.
"However, this isn't just about you." Splinter said. Leo felt a pang in his chest. He knew this wasn't about him. He was doing this for his brothers. This wasn't a selfish decision, at least, Leo didn't think it was. "Raph will have to accept the role."
There wasn't a doubt in Leo's mind that Raph would accept the responsibility without a moment's hesitation. Raph was a great leader. He just hadn't fought Leo over the role of leader because he was bigger than that. Leo didn't think he'd be able to do the same if their roles were reversed.
"He will." Leo said confidently. Raph would do whatever he needed to to keep their family safe, and right now him being the leader was what was for the best. Leo knew it to be true, and after some consideration Splinter would see it too. Raph was a lot smarter than he was given credit for. He had to see it too.
Their family was going to be okay. They just needed to make a few changes first.