Misery Business
"Hey Sora, what brings you in today?" Kari beamed.
"I think Matt and Mimi have been secretly going out with each other and I almost caught them," Sora heaved.
"What?!" Kari accidentally dropped a glass carafe to the ground.
"Whoa, watch where you drop that thing!" Zoe shrieked.
"What the fu-" TK gasped.
"I'm sorry, I think I just disassociated. What did you say?" Kari shook her head frantically.
"No, you heard her correctly. Don't need to repeat it," TK made a face.
"What on earth made you think that?" Kari gasped.
"I walked in on the two of them and they looked like they were doing something in secret, so when I said hello, they looked guilty…like they were doing something that they didn't want me to know about," Sora frowned.
"But Matt and Mimi? Are you sure? They can barely get along with each other," TK commented.
"But they probably have some things in common. Like being shallow, for starters," Kari smirked.
"Hey, that's Mimi you're talking about. Be nice," TK joked around.
"This is serious, guys! Do you know how weird it would get if like we decide to hook up with each other? It's fine and dandy when you're a couple, but what happens when you break up? Then everyone has to chose sides. That's why I feel like you can never date friends. You just can't," Sora crossed her arms.
"I suppose you're right," Kari bit her lip.
"What do you mean, choose sides?" TK gasped.
"Cause someone always has to be the bad guy in the relationship," Sora shrugged.
"I don't think that's necessarily true, is it?" TK asked.
"Isn't that why both of your moms are marrying each other? Because there was a bad guy in their relationship? If you ask me, I think men are the problem," Yolei squeezed herself into the mini pow-wow.
"Hi, Yolei…how do you know about our moms?" TK backed up.
"Cause I've seen them at a couple of gay events. Mostly the board game nights. Sora, your mom cheats at Scrabble," Yolei looked at Sora in disappointment. "By the way, which one of you guys wants to make me a lavender iced oat milk latte?"
"Nobody, but I'll do it to get out of this conversation," TK grumbled.
"Make it a double shot, I need to stay awake. Izumi dipped out on me because he's 'sick'," Yolei stuck her tongue out.
"Did someone call me?" Zoe asked.
"No?" Kari raised an eyebrow.
"Really? He looked fine hours ago," Sora frowned.
"Actually, he did look a bit rough the last time I saw him. Kinda like dog shit. Davis's words, not mine," TK said.
"I hope he's okay," Kari mumbled.
"I think he's just overworked. Maybe he just needs a little break," TK handed Yolei an iced coffee and a clean straw.
"Whatever. He's lucky he gets the 15-minute break mandated by law. Toodles," Yolei tossed the straw wrapper to the floor and walked away.
"Can we permanently ban someone from our cafe?" TK groaned.
"She's annoying, but no. We just have to grin and bear it," Catherine forced a smile.
"I bet that's what everyone says behind her back," Zoe scoffed as she picked up the litter.
"Hi, I'm in the business of misery! Need some bad news to break but too scared to do it yourself? I'm your man, just hire me and I'll break the news for you!" Davis grinned.
"Somehow, I feel like this might get you in a lot of trouble," Tai winced.
"But I'm definitely here for the ride," Matt nodded.
"Basically, I'm using the same equipment that the girls used when they were booking their little advice appointments. I'm hoping that this will work the same way, except quicker. I mean, how wrong could things possibly go?" Davis scoffed.
"It honestly sounds like a great idea, as long as you set some boundaries in place. For example, you don't wanna get mixed up in any illegal or criminal activities," Tai said.
"Can you imagine? 'Hi, I'm Davis and I'm here on behalf of Fat Tony to let you know that you'll be sleeping with the fishes, so watch your back. Bye'. Hahahahah, I make myself laugh," Matt cackled.
"Davis, are you taking requests now?" Tai asked.
"Yeah. Starting at $20," Davis nodded.
"Damn, don't you think that's a little steep?" Matt winced.
"If you don't like these prices, you can always break the bad news yourself," Davis shrugged.
"I guess you're right. Here, I want you to pass this message along," Tai pulled out a $20 note and whispered to Davis.
"Okay…," Davis nodded. "Hey Matt, I'm here to present a message on behalf of Tai. You're not funny!"
"Thanks…Davis, come here," Matt motioned Davis over and shook a $20 note in the air.
"Okay. Davis at your service," Davis leaned in as Matt whispered in his ear. "Alright. I think you're right about boundaries to be set in place. Whatever bad news you need to send out has to be PG-13 rated at most. Nothing explicit."
"Fine. How's this?" Matt whispered in Davis's ear again.
"Okay…," Davis nodded. "Hey, Tai. I'm here to send a message on behalf of Matt. You're a jerk ass!"
"Wow, that's great. Awesome…," Tai sarcastically clapped his hands.
"You know what? I like this business model, Davis. You literally made $40 in less than 10 minutes. I think this could get interesting," Matt nodded in admiration.
"Yeah, interesting is a good word to describe it," Tai said.
"I hope I don't regret this," Davis forced a smile.
"Hey Teeks, are you okay? You seem out of it," Kari asked.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I got a bit on my mind," TK shook his head.
"What's up?" Kari paused.
"You think Sora's right? Like if two of us do eventually date, but break up, people are going to choose sides. Right?" TK asked.
"I mean, me and Izzy weren't even a thing and some of you guys saw me as a she-devil for a brief moment. As if he were perfect," Kari tossed some dirty blenders in the sink.
"I guess that's true. I guess it doesn't matter. It's not like there's a chance in hell we would get together in the first place, I don't think the feelings are mutual," TK paused.
"I mean, you don't know that?" Kari shrugged.
"I think it's pretty obvious. Almost as much as Yolei's preference for the ladies," TK smirked.
"I guess. But who knows, unless you give it a try?" Kari frowned.
"I don't think I'm ready for that," TK said.
"You can do it at your own time. No need to rush. But regardless, you may want to do something about it before Sora does. Luckily she's distracted by Matt and Mimi," Kari remarked.
"Do you really think-" TK asked.
"I don't know. It's unlikely, but it's so unlikely that it's plausible," Kari stuck her tongue out.
"Yeah, ick…," TK frowned.
"Hey, welcome to Southport. You'll love it here, we only literally have three rules here. Don't help anyone, spray everyone's face with our signature cologne as soon as they walk into the store, and make sure no one steals or hooks up in our dressing rooms," Koji obnoxiously chewed gum.
"Nice! I think I'm gonna love this job," Mimi smiled.
"It sounds easy, but it's a bit harder than we let on," Kouichi leaned over the counter.
"Hey, welcome to Southport. Try our classic fragrance, Intense. If you need any help, don't. Figure it out yourself," Koji yawned in a customer's face and walked away.
"And that's how you're supposed to greet everyone as you walk in. Koji gets a perfect score with the secret shoppers every time," Kouichi shrugged.
"Wow. And that works?" Mimi raised an eyebrow.
"You still shop here, right?" Kouichi remarked.
"That's true. I spend more than I should," Mimi sighed.
"You just gotta watch out for the shoplifters. It's hard because we can't be interactive, yet we can't stop them, and the mall guards can't do anything about it because it's outside their juristiction. They're literally a bunch of Paul Blart wannabes," Kouichi rolled his eyes.
"Oh, so what are we supposed to do if we can't talk to them and we can't stop them?" Mimi squinted her eyes.
"I dunno," Kouichi shrugged. "All I know is that it's a red-headed girl who puts her hair in a spiky ponytail. I think she might work at Spicy Talk, or maybe she just dresses like a punk. Speaking of, that's her right now."
"Rika? I worked with her before. She was my old boss's daughter. I wonder if she remembers me," Mimi walked up to Rika. "Hey girl, how's it going?"
"Screw off, I'm busy right now," Rika grunted as she stuffed a bunch of sweatshirts into a duffel bag.
"Okay, I'll talk to you later…," Mimi bit her lip.
"Your boyfriend's not here today," Yolei snapped.
"What the hell? What boyfriend?" Tai clenched his jaw.
"I think she's referring to Izzy," Angie sighed.
"What the hell? Why does everyone assume I have a boyfriend? First Matt, now Izzy? Listen, I didn't come here for him anyways! I'm here shopping for a girl," Tai huffed.
"Oooh, who's the lucky girl?" Angie smiled mischievously.
"I'll tell you later, when it's less crowded in here," Tai shot Yolei a dirty look.
"Hey, I don't give a crap. You'll probably screw it up, like you did with the last one anyways," Yolei remarked.
"Excuse me?" Tai turned red.
"You know, we're managers. We talk, we know things," Yolei shrugged.
"I can't believe that! Did she really…nope, not today. I'm going to be the bigger person here. I gotta go," Tai stomped out of the store and made his way to his job.
"Hey Tai, you look…like Marcus right now. Who got on your bad side?" Miki snorted.
"All of you managers! You're all snakes, aren't you?" Tai yelled.
"What is he talking about?" Megumi raised an eyebrow.
"That's right, they all have a secret circle where they talk about all of us behind our backs!" Tai pointed at Miki.
"Oh my god! Is that true?" Megumi gasped.
"I don't contribute to the chat, I just listen in…," Miki gingerly tapped the tips of her finger tips together.
"That's almost just as bad! Miki, what have you guys been saying about us in your secret manager meetings?!" Tai yelled.
"I haven't said anything, but you might want to talk to your little ex-girlfriend. She's called you unhinged on a couple of occasions-"
"Unhinged?!" Tai gasped.
"Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I don't believe a word she says. If you ask me, I just think she wants attention from any guy that will give it to her," Miki smirked and walked off.
"I can't believe she would call me unhinged…I'll show her," Tai pulled out his phone. "Hey Davis, are you busy?"
"Hey Davis, whatcha doing?" Kari stood in front of his kiosk.
"Haven't you heard? I've got a new business," Davis adjusted the sign.
"Bad News Bear," Kari read the sign and frowned. "I dunno, that doesn't sound like an appealing name. Do you think that will bring in customers?"
"You have no idea! I have so much people coming in, it's hard to keep up with!" Davis grinned.
"What exactly do you do?" Kari asked.
"I put on these teddy bear ears and I hand deliver people bad news that someone else didn't have the guts to tell them in person. See, for example, I have to break up two couples, and tell another person that his girlfriend thinks his band sucks. Oh, and I guess that fancy restaurant on the upper level likes my idea, so there's a coupon attached to the bad news and I get a cut from every customer that comes in with the flyer," Davis held up a piece of paper.
"Wow, it sounds like with all of this business, you'll be able to pay for college outright," Kari gasped.
"College? Please! That's a scam," Davis scoffed.
"Right…," Kari bit her lip.
*buzz buzz buzz*
"I'm so sorry, looks like business awaits! Hey, why don't we continue this conversation another time?" Davis hopped over the counter and grabbed his cell phone.
"Yeah, sure…," Kari nodded awkwardly.
"Hello?" Davis answered his phone. "Uh huh…yeah…I don't know if that's a good…how much?"
"Bye Davis," Kari meekly said as she watched Davis intensely scribble on a planner.
"Psst, over here…," Matt peeked behind a mannequin.
"Matt? What are you doing here?" Mimi inched closer to him.
"Hey, I got some more intel on Sora and the mall cop. Come with me," Matt motioned her over.
"I dunno…I'm still working," Mimi wrung her hands.
"Really? Cause it looks like all you guys do is stand around and look uninterested. I don't think Twiddle-Dee and Twiddle-Dumbass will even notice you're gone for two minutes," Matt remarked.
"I guess you're right. Let's go," Mimi slithered out of the store.
"No, I've seen them hanging at the bookstore!" Matt pulled her in his direction.
"What are they doing at the bookstore?" Mimi gasped.
"What do you think they're doing? They think they're so slick. Here, act natural. Cover your face with this," Matt grabbed a magazine and handed it to Mimi.
"I don't see how this is natural at all," Mimi frowned.
"Shush, you're gonna get us caught," Matt lightly nudged her.
"You're gonna get us caught! Stop!" Mimi shoved him back.
"Knock it off," Matt rolled up his magazine and smacked Mimi in the arm.
"That's so rude! What's your problem?" Mimi gasped.
"Ahem, can I help you two?" a tall woman with glasses walked over to them.
"No, we're fine…totally!" Mimi nervously laughed.
"We don't need any help at all," Matt forced a smile.
"That's what you think. Touch anything else here, and you're paying for it," the woman took the magazines from their hands and walked away.
"Uh oh, I think Sora saw us," Mimi not-so-subtly pointed at a curious Sora.
"Crap, let's go! Come on, slowpoke," Matt pulled Mimi by her wrist and yanked her out of the store.
"Hey ho, Catherine! It's Davis the Bad News Bear here to bear you some bad news on behalf of Tai," Davis walked up to the register.
"Excuse me?" Catherine raised an eyebrow.
"Bad news bear? What is this?" TK raised an eyebrow.
"We'll all see shortly," Kari pressed her lips together.
"Dear Catherine, you're a two-faced bitch and I wish I never knew you! Sincerely, Tai!" Davis read from a piece of paper.
"Oh my goodness, what possessed him to say that about me?! Did he really say that?" Catherine gasped.
"Yep. I don't embellish things. This is the toned-down version. By the way, here. There's a coupon for 10% off the Cœur Brise at the bottom. You're welcome," Davis handed Catherine the paper.
"I'll pass. Kamiya, I was right. Your brother is completely unhinged! I hope it doesn't run in the family," Catherine crumpled the paper in her hands and stomped off.
"Ugh, I don't like being called by my last name. It feels unsettling," Kari grimaced.
"So, Davis…are you getting paid to insult people?" TK raised an eyebrow.
"No. I get paid to break bad news to people," Davis said.
"And how's that working for you?" TK crossed his arms.
"Not as well as I expected. I mean, the money is good…however, the reactions are all the same. And no one is using the coupons," Davis frowned.
"I think maybe after hearing upsetting news, the last thing on their mind is getting a discount on an overpriced restaurant," TK winced.
"I guess so. I don't think I've thought this through as well as I've could have," Davis bit his lip.
"I mean, dressing up as a teddy bear is a thoughtful touch?" TK shrugged.
"Yeah, if only people wanted hugs from me. They just want to punch me. Like hey, don't be mad at me. I'm just the bear-er of bad news. See what I did there?" Davis grinned.
"Yes. That pun makes me want to punch you too," TK grimaced.
"Aww," Davis whined.
"Hey Izzy, glad you're back! It feels like I haven't seen you in forever," Tai groaned.
"Eh, I'm still not sure if I should showed up to work today. I just couldn't stay at home anymore," Izzy adjusted his face mask.
"If you're still sick, you should really stay home…," Angie made a face.
"I'm fine. I'm just wearing the mask so people can stay away from me. Apparently it's not working," Izzy shook his head and rolled his eyes.
"It's not like you're fun company anyways. I just need to know, where should I put the overstock?" Angie asked.
"We can leave them in the back room for now. I'll figure it out later," Izzy sighed.
"You got it, chief," Angie picked up a box and walked off.
"So, I can't imagine I missed out on too much while I was gone," Izzy crossed his arms.
"Not really. Davis is setting up a new business where he breaks bad news to people-"
"I'd knew I'd find you here!" Miki stomped over to the counter.
"Oh no, which one of us is she talking to?" Izzy turned red.
"Kamiya!" Miki grabbed Tai by the ear.
"That answers my question," Izzy grimaced.
"Ow! What the heck, Miki! I'm coming back! I thought I had a 15-minute break!" Tai whined.
"Not until I tell you what's going on! I just found out from Catherine you hired some doofy kid to call her a bitch! Now that's a bitch move!" Miki smacked Tai hard on the arm.
"Hey! You guys were talking smack behind my back again?!" Tai gasped.
"Oh…well, if it isn't the infamous Porcupine Head in my store," Yolei smirked.
"Listen here, and listen good," Miki pulled Tai by the collar. "Catherine has given you this reputation of a crazy, psycho ex-boyfriend! Sadly, Megumi is into crazy boys, and you promised to take her to this dance, so she's expecting the works from you! You better stop wasting your money on personal telegrams to girls who don't want you, and start saving up for my best friend's most important night of her high school career, or otherwise, you might not see any career past high school. Is that understood?"
"Crystal clear," Tai gulped.
"Good! I'm glad we had that talk," Miki released her grip and smoothed Tai's uniform. "I'll see you later, Tai!"
"Yeah, I'll see you later," Tai nervously laughed.
"Wow, this sounds like it could be fun," Izzy remarked.
"I don't know how I'm even going to accomplish whatever this is….I have a metro ticket and a coupon to Jersey Mike's. I technically owe Davis $15 right now," Tai winced.
"What do you mean you owe him? What is he doing for you?" Izzy huffed.
"Davis, what are you doing dressed up…more stupider than you normally are?" Matt raised an eyebrow.
"Ahem, hi! I'm Davis, the Bad News Bear, and I'm here to deliver a special message on behalf of your best friend for never, Tai. Dear Matthew, you are a dumbass. By the way, here's a coupon for 10% off at the Cœur Brise," Davis handed Matt a flyer.
"Why don't you take this coupon and shove it up your ass, you wannabe Charmin bear?" Matt crumpled the paper into a ball.
"Hey! Take it up with Tai! I'm just the bear-er of bad news," Davis smiled.
"You think that joke is clever?" Matt scowled.
"Yeah. I did…," Davis frowned.
"Look, I'm sorry. I know, it's not you. You're just simply doing your job. Which is why I need you to do two things for me," Matt held up two $20 notes.
"Wow Rina, when you asked to meet me here, I didn't expect…this," Izzy sat down on a dainty stool next to Rina.
"Don't flatter yourself. I only asked to meet here because I saw a bunch of flyers for 10% off this place. By the way, don't order anything unless it's a tea or a coffee. I can't afford anything else on the menu," Rina typed away on her laptop.
"Thanks, but I'm fine. Why did you call me over anyways? I thought we put this stupid compatibility quiz down to rest now," Izzy shook his head.
"I thought so too, but now I'm obsessing over it too. I'm losing sleep over it. For example, can you believe I'm incompatible?" Rina gasped.
"Yes. Yes, I can," Izzy nodded casually.
"I'm regretting calling you here," Rina scrunched her face up.
"I regret coming he…," Izzy paused.
"What? You look like you saw a ghost," Rina made a face.
"I might still be experiencing post-fever hallucinations," Izzy stared into the distance and immediately locked eyes with a startled Sora. "I'm sorry, Rina. I have to go."
"We just got started!" Rina protested.
"Rain check!" Izzy hollered as he snapped his fingers at Sora. "Hey, don't pretend you can't see me! I'll just keep drawing attention to myself!"
"Crap! I'm so sorry, Joe! I'll be right back!" Sora cringed and got up from her chair.
"Uh, sure?" Joe adjusted his glasses and forced a smile.
"Izzy, what is your problem?! I'd expect this behaviour from literally everyone else but you!" Sora repeatedly smacked him on the arm.
"First of all, you need to relax! Second of all, you need to tell me if I'm hallucinating or if that really is you sitting next to the mall cop," Izzy stupidly pointed at the table Sora was previously sitting at.
"I could ask you the same about Rina!" Sora put her hands on her hips.
"No, don't twist this around on me! We can't stand each other, we're just trying to tie up some loose ends. What is this? How long has this been going on?" Izzy tried to hold his composure.
"Hey, don't get mad at me! Matt and Mimi have been going around behind everyone's backs, maybe you should talk to them too," Sora protested.
"Nonononono….please. I can't! I just got back out in the public today, don't mess with me…," Izzy slurred.
"Izzy, are you okay?" Sora bit her lip.
"First, Tai is stupid broke, then you with the mall cop…then Rina hunts me down, then Matt and Mimi? What next?" Izzy stammered.
"Attention everyone here, I'm TK and I love flaming h-"
*crash*
"Flaming hot cheetos…what the heck was this guy's problem?" TK gently nudged an unconscious Izzy with his foot.
"Thanks for helping us get him here," Sora said to Joe.
"I'm just glad we were here. Sorry we don't have much resources, but it's a good thing I renewed my First Aid certification," Joe nodded.
"Izzy! Oh my god, is he awake?!" Mimi ran into the security office and picked Izzy's head up.
"If he wasn't yet, he should be now," Matt trailed behind her.
"What the heck am I doing here?" Izzy struggled to open his eyes.
"Hey, it's Davis the Bad News Bear and I'm here to bear some bad news on behalf of TK. You passed out in front of a bunch of people, feel better! Here's a coupon to…actually, never mind. You don't want to go there- trust me," Davis nervously tucked a flyer into his pants.
"What?!" Izzy turned red.
"Damn, that reminds me, since you're all here….," Davis pulled out a couple of papers. "Hey Mimi, I'm Davis the Bad News Bear-"
"Alright, cut to the chase! What's going on?" Mimi crossed her arms.
"Fair enough, I get paid either way," Davis shrugged. "Mimi, you're fired. Also, you owe Matt $40. Izzy, you need to accept the facts in front of you. Sora, Matt and Mimi know what you're doing. Matt and Mimi, Sora knows what you're doing-"
"What I'm doing?! More like what are you doing?!" Matt, Mimi, and Sora pointed at each other.
"Are we missing out on something?" Davis, TK, and Izzy asked.
"They are having a relationship behind our backs!" Sora pointed at Matt and Mimi.
"Ew, us?!" Mimi and Matt shrieked. "No way! We saw you sneaking around! That's why we've been creeping around!"
"Ah, that makes more sense," TK nodded.
"You know, I'll let you have your time. I should be on patrol anyways," Joe awkwardly said and slipped out of the room.
"Him? Really?" Matt jerked his thumb.
"Cut it out! He's nice," Sora warned everyone.
"Wait a minute! Did I just get fired?" Mimi gasped.
"Yep. Those creepy twins from that store hired me to let you know they don't need you anymore. They found you suspicious because you knew the shoplifter on a first-name basis and you never showed up for work," Davis shrugged.
"At this rate, I'm really running out of places to work," Mimi sighed.